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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think it's much easier being a single parent??

289 replies

Deckmyballs · 09/11/2014 01:56

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

OP posts:
iwanttogotothechaletschool · 09/11/2014 09:56

So you have based your opinion that all single parents have it easier than you on your observations of 4 single parents that you know. Even Whiskers cat food had a larger sample size than that!

You are being very offensive now.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 09/11/2014 09:58

You were 'on the brink of divorce' last December. Your DH was working away all week. You thought, with good reason, you'd be better off living apart from him but 'you loved him'. A year on things are obviously still awful, so what are you going to do about it, other than post crap which you know is offensive?!

FloatIsRechargedNow · 09/11/2014 09:59

I think that the OPs last post shows that she might be a bit...er... intellectually challenged, or suffers from an extremely narrow, inexperienced view of the world, or indeed both.

avocadogreen · 09/11/2014 10:01

Oh my goodness don't tell me you're going to squeeze in a bit of SAHM.vs WOHM in here as well?!

I drop my kids at the childminders at 8am, then I go to work. I finish work at 3.30 then literally leg it to pick them up from school on time. Then bring them home, cook tea, do homework, reading,.bedtime etc. Then come downstairs clean up all the dishes, do some washing, hang washing out, etc etc in a neverending groundhog day.

I consider myself lucky that I work school hours. The other day they had an inset day and I had to pay the childminder 70 quid to look after them all day- which is way more than I earn in a day, so I actually lost money.

But of course my life is so much easier than yours because one day every 2 weeks I actually get to catch up on the cleaning by myself and maybe go out for a drink with a man who is not my children's father.

Fabulous46 · 09/11/2014 10:04

My hat comes off to single parents. I know I would have really struggled on my own with 4 kids but some people do. I have no idea how the hell they cope juggling work, kids, school runs, shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning, sickness etc etc.

I never had nights out with DH until the youngest kids were around 8ish as one of my twins had terrible health issues and I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with anyone.

I have a friend whose been a single parent for nearly 12 years now and her life has been really hard at times.

FrontForward · 09/11/2014 10:07

Here's a shovel OP. Oh. You don't need one

ChippingInAutumnLover · 09/11/2014 10:07

Given your DC go to nursery, it's a nonsense to say you can't use a babysitter and it's very off to tell single parents they aren't doing it all if their kids go to school! You get a lie in every weekend, it's a damn site more than most single parents get. This utopia of which you speak... Most single parents can only dream of.

I think you need help, you need proper help. I suggest your GP first.

GoldfishCrackers · 09/11/2014 10:08

LPs not only have to do everything everyone else has already said upthread, but they have to put up with idiots telling them it's one big holiday.

OP I saw your original post and gave you the benefit of the doubt. Your OP was unfeeling but you were probably a bit fed-up and probably drunk and not thinking. But having seen your subsequent posts, I see that you really can't see or don't care.

MNHQ
EllenMumsnet · 09/11/2014 10:08

Morning all, have had a few reports about this thread so going to sit down with a Brew and wade through. Before getting diving in, please remember our guidelines folks. Grin

rita68 · 09/11/2014 10:09

I used to think this, because I do indeed have a lazy arse of a husband who does feck all around the house or with dd. Nothing at all. And because people know I have a husband, they never offer to help or even realise that I need help. Sometimes I know they criticise the untidiness of my house or the filthiness of my car, but I'm trying my best.

BUT then, when talking to my sister, we agreed that actually, at least this way we get our children 24/7. If we left the lazy arses, then the poor children would have to go and spend a few days a month with men who knew nothing whatsoever about them, and with whom they did not want to go. Which would be awful.

My husband works nights, which gives him the perfect excuse to not do anything, so I do do everything alone - shopping, bins, cleaning, washing, managing household finances, taking the car for services/MOTs, household DIY, school run, after school activities, homework, parents' evenings, teaching to ride bike/skip/swim/rollerskate etc etc. I haven't had a night out since November 2009.

But all of this is a better option than dd having to spend time with him alone in another household!

PerpendicularKitten · 09/11/2014 10:09

OP, I would name change and re-post (not in AIBU) and ask for ideas on how to maintain/enjoy/save a relationship when you have x3 D's and feel like you don't have a moment to yourself.

Comparing how hard you have it against how easy others in a position you no nothing about have it is never ever going to end well.

Good on your single parent friends if they appear to enjoying their alone time with their new partner! do you ask them about the tough times that they go through?

I don't have time to be ill either (SAHP to x4 small DC's, DH out of the house long hours), but at least if I am ill DH can leave work on time so he can make it home in time to go to the shop on the way back from work and pick up soup paracetamol etc.

My friend is a LP and stayed in a posh hotel with her bf the other week and I don't begrudge her a second of it or feel like her life is easier because of it, neither of us have it easy but neither of us is inclined to pity party so we support each other and get on with it.

rita68 · 09/11/2014 10:10

Oh, and I work too.

meglet · 09/11/2014 10:10

"I do the cleaning, childcare, cooking. He works".

Single parents do all of this, plus supervising homework, gardening, making sure the car has petrol / MOT is booked / car serviced, grass cut, working after a night up with sick kids (when grandma is nearby to come round in the day) or taking unpaid leave to stay at home with them. And no nights out to relax.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/11/2014 10:12

Do you really think having a night to yourself once a week or every other week makes it all ok this is no co parenting but a better situation than many single parents are in

I do not want ds away from home having a date makes no difference to how I feel about that

Then there is the pressure of paying mortgage/rent bills, juggling work/childcare, the school run no matter how poorly you are, homework at night, dealing with tantrums and your child feeling unsettled, having to do everything yourself every single day it's exhausting

avocadogreen · 09/11/2014 10:13

I should also point out I was a SAHM before exH left us. I got a job out of necessity. My life back then was a walk in the park compared to being a single working parent.

gamerchick · 09/11/2014 10:13

Be careful what you wish for OP.. If you're at the grass is greener stage of your relationship you may get your dream sooner than you think.

3 kids are hard when they are young but kids grow up and do their own thing. Mine are 19 nearly 15 and primary.. We both work but still get playtime together. It gets easier.

If you're feeling twitchy then have a chat with your husband.. you're pointing your nose in the wrong direction.

Aliennation · 09/11/2014 10:13

It must be miserable being you OP, you sound so bitter.
Nevermind, if your marriage is going down the pan you'll soon find out how easy us single parents have it.

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 10:17

Hate to say I told you so op - but people won't read past the title.

I think people have been really harsh to the op and purposely misread/misunderstood her pov - it's perfectly clear from the op what she means.

100 different posts telling her she's a cunt and 'Oh yes it's a doddle' are really unnecessary - and at odds with her op.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 09/11/2014 10:18

OP, I've skimmed some of your other threads.

You're unhappy in your marriage - don't you think there is maybe an element of the grass is always greener in what you're posting?

flanjabelle · 09/11/2014 10:20

I think karma might just sort this one for us. Ever heard of the expression 'be careful what you wish for'?

CromerSutra · 09/11/2014 10:20

I found it harder to be with a very unsupportive partner than to be a single parent but it is WAY better to be with a supportive partner than single.

I don't wish to be unkind Op but, based on what you have shared, you have nothing to complain about. You chose to have 3 kids, you have a supportive partner and are able to have one of you work and the other to stay at home. You are choosing not to have a babysitter and you must have couple time because when your kids go to bed you can chill out with your DH. That's couple time in my book. We very rarely go out alone without Dd but I consider that part of being a parent.

I know it can get a bit frustrating but that is nothing compared to the lives of so many single parents who are in nothing like the idyll you describe.

Aliennation · 09/11/2014 10:22

No Memphis I think most of us have read past the title.
Her subsequent posts are even more insulting than the first one.

CromerSutra · 09/11/2014 10:23

Apologies if you are in fact unhappy in your marriage. That is a different situation.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/11/2014 10:24

who looks after the kids??? school and a brilliant CM - which I pay for

I also do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, parents evenings, packed lunches, sick days, holiday cover etc etc

It's not easy at all - OP I get you are having a tough time in your marriage but the grass really isn't greener and you don't solve your problems by slagging off other people

I recently had surgery and had to stay in because there was no one at home to look after me - that is horrible - to be so alone - and then to be recovering from surgery with 3 kids to look after Hmm

Their dad is pretty hands on and does share 30% of their care but the hard stuff always falls to me

frankbough · 09/11/2014 10:25

And then certain posters wonder why they are still single, all that vitrol over a poster who is quite obviously struggling with a her life....
Often people men and women feel that the only solution is to leave especially when a situation is difficult and they feel they have no control..

In practical terms two people have to make sure they are a priority to each and make time to be together, otherwise the alternative is separate lives and a mundane lonely relationship or a mundane back breaking single life with kids and very little money...