To think it's much easier being a single parent??

[Deckmyballs]

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

The op has a full posting history so Unfortunatly no wind up

DS is at school while I work. If he is ill I have to rely on my parents goodwill to look after him as I have no choice but to work.

I have had to give up on my chosen career path as it wouldn't work as a single parent without expecting way too much of my limited support network. I work term time only for that reason.

For single parents who are alone who else do you think does the childcare? I am lucky I have support but that isn't to the same level as a partner being there to help

When I split from my ex, my eldest child was 17. My next eldest was 16 and my youngest was 9. My eldest used to pick my youngest up from school on his way home. The school had an afterschool club every day for one hour - so she HAD to go to those clubs, whether she wanted to or not.

Wow. I didn't realise my life was so easy! My DC go to their dads EOW and he's pretty hands on in the week too but I wouldn't say it was easy. I hate the time away from them and certainly don't wave them off cheerfully thinking 'oh good, now I can have a rest'.

My alone time is miserable and spent catching up on the things I haven't had chance to do whilst they are home.

My DD wakes up in the night still and it breaks my heart that I can't always be there for her, my DS asks for me every morning when he's with with his dad.

Yes, my life is just fucking rosy.

Get this thread deleted, have a rethink and post again in relationships focusing on what you want to change in your relationship and in your marriage and asking for support and ideas.

Who looks after the kids while you work??

It's called school.

Then I work after he's gone to bed again.

I have reared my kids singlehandedly for a decade, their dad isn't even in the country ,nor are my family.

It is me and them ,that's it every day(no breaks for me), every decision, every illness ,every bill, every problem at school, work, when the boiler breaks, the car has no petrol, we have run out of milk. Everything is my responsibility, always.

Saying all this ,I have a fantastic life, I have so proud of my little family, but doing it this way is hard, can be lonely. I am only doing it this way because my ex h was a controlling, unkind manipulator who threatened to destroy me and my kids if we stayed.

My life is now what I made it, I don't sit around thinking I wish I had a husband, life would be better, because I know (from experience) that is not always so.So please show the same courtesy to not presume you know all about, all single parents.

Deck - I did read past the thread title. Your OP made you come across as a complete plonker (and I say that as a single parent who manages quite well, and does believe, looking at marriages from outside, that it's about 50-50 as to whether they'd be an improvement on or much much worse than my current situation). It might be worth asking yourself why you came across as a plonker (because it might well be that your OP was a clumsy plea for help because you're actually in the sort of marriage I wouldn't want to be in at any price).

You made wild generalisations which just didn't fit the lives of many single parents (many can't afford baby sitters, don't have exs who have the children every other weekend, really struggle for money because the ex doesn't pay maintenance, many of us work outside home and do 100% of the housework inside), and you showed no insight at all into the horrible circumstances that might have led to someone being a single parent (bereavement, infidelity, abuse) and the extra grief that might pile onto the situaiton. That's why you looked like a plonker and that's why people have piled on.

If there really is a reason why you're this unhappy with your marriage, namechange, and re-post in relationships with an accurate picture of your marriage.

If you just wanted to vent and have a whinge about your husband not pulling his weight, you could have chosen a less inflamatory title and better worded OP - something like "Am I the only one whose husband is a waste of space?"

And I actually consider I had it luckier than most - I had older kids, so had someone to leave in the house (or send to the shop) if I needed milk and bread at 11pm when making the lunches for the next day.

Deck. School?

Bit of school clubs? Childminder. Nursery

Please don't tell me you are now going to start looking down on lone parents, or indeed, any parent that works.

I have to put a rood over my child's head. Food in her mouth.
I was left homeless. Twice. By the actions of my ex husband.

But obviously must be a bad mother for working to provide for my child.

You are just being rude and incredibly stupid. Are you bored? Perhaps go do something with yoir dh instead of winding up women who are doing the best they can.

My children were at school whilst I worked, school is not childcare So perhaps make your points elsewhere!

I work from home as I am self employed so yes I do do the childcare too apart from the 15 hours a week she is in nursery.

I'm currently in hospital with pneumonia.
Dad's dad refuses to have her.
I want to discharge myself due to the fact my poor parents after 4 days with a 2yo look absolutely worn out.
I've not had any visitors due to the fact I am a single working university parent and find it hard to socialise.
I spend eow driving dd to see her dad, which is court ordered. It's a 6 hour round trip. How I love the M25. And she only goes for 18 hours.

It's absolutely wonderful. As for dating don't even get me started.

Oh and I'm in here because I don't have much money. So damp washing and not putting the heating on in a cold old house have contributed to my pneumonia.

It's absolutely wonderful being in this position.
Whilst my ex is still with OW, taking absolutely no responsibility.

But go on, you give it a go if it's do easy because we obviously are on spa days every weekend, drinking champagne and shopping!

Deck - don't confuse having to pay for outside help with actually having a co-parent to take half the jobs! A typical single parent has to be responsible for ALL the childcare and ALL the work - you can choose to only do half of that without eating into the household budget, very different! If a single parent works they are usually paying for childcare out of a very small budget, why don't you pay for child care if it's so easy to do, then you can have loads of free time.

WTAF

Oh OP - what an insulting title. And I say that as a married mother to my DC's father.

Look - life is different for anyone some married people have it harder than some single parents, but many single parents will be having a harder time I'm sure as there is no one to share the worries. you can't possibly say that it's easier for single parents.

I'm in a similar situation to you. I never get time with my DH. But that is my choosing as I personally am uncomfortable leaving my young DC with a babysitter that isn't family. So we get 2 nights out a year. But that'll change as the kids get older, I'm sure.

Life is different for everyone

I have one friend who's exH takes the kids almost every weekend. So she's had plenty of time to meet someone else.

However, I have another friend who is a single parent but never gets a night out because her Mum looks after her DC while she works. So the friend doesn't like to ask for further babysitting. So she's still single after many years.

Of course life would be easier with a trustworthy family babysitter to take kids regularly so the parents can maintain an adult relationship. That does NOT equate to "life is easier for single parents".

I have no idea how most single parents manage it. I am in a relationship where we spit things pretty evenly and only one DC but I still can't keep up with the housework and I'm still knackered all the time from racing between work and nursery and home. We don't have much outside help but surely 2 able bodied adults should be able to manage this?! Fair play to all single parents out there.

You are being incredibly offensive OP.

Christ just keep on digging that hole OP

I do understand what you mean a friend though our toddler group has just split with her partner 6 months ago and likes to go on about how hard it is being a single mum but her ex has her DD 2 evenings a week and a Friday her mum has her for dinner on sat and often keeps her DD that night (most weeks) and she goes to her dads on a sunday so she can 'have a break' they play with DD and she watches tv and relaxes. Her dad also tops up her benefits and maintenance with £50 a week for going out so she can try to meet someone else so she has weekly nights out.

It really grates on the rest of the group probably me least of all because I have loads of help from DS's grandparents who love to steal have him but a few of the girls are married but have zero help at all and think she's a lucky cow. I think it depends on your own circumstances what is easier for you if you have no help and no partner life is going to be pretty fucking hard however being stuck with an arsehole makes life just as hard.

I think you have a very romantic view of it all...

In reality where there are single parents there is sometimes also a number of other things involved: affairs, abuse, estranged fathers, financial issues, children who are emotionally damaged, step/half siblings, having to do everything alone, arguments over contact, unreliable ex-DH/DW, the emotional side on you and feeling of being inadequate.
Yes for some it may mean there is the freedom every other weekend of having childcare sorted but in my experience that is the minority. I think many would choose having a reliable DH (who never left or who they had been able to stay with) and stable family unit over having a broken family where there is upset. I know very few children with divorced parents who aren't affected negatively by it.

Who looks after the kids while you work??

I have to pay an absolute fortune in childcare fees because I HAVE to work.

Just keep digging your hole OP.

I cannot believe you think that the only part of your post is the title. I have never posted on mumsnet before just browsed.
This is the first time I have seen something so offensive that I have felt the need to create and verify an account so that I can respond.

You need a bloody reality check.

My mum was a single parent. She took my brother and I to work with her (she cleaned the library and the bank in the evening). She also worked in a factory in school hours.

She had no-one to share the bills with or to share the hard work of raising two kids, to talk about us or to help with important decision making. No one to share the worry with when we were ill. It was all on her. We saw our dad for 1 week a year and we hated going so she worried about us.

I have two kids and a lovely supportive dh. I often think about how easy my life is compared to how mums was. As my mum died before dc1 was born and we live 50 miles from dh's family we don't have a lot of "support" either. I don't think we've been out for over a year either. Yes, it can be hard but it's easy to see it's nothing compared to doing it all on your own.

Wow.

Single parents and seemingly working parents now can't win, can they?!