To think it's much easier being a single parent??

[Deckmyballs]

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

This is one of the stupidest ops I've ever read. And that's saying something.
You must live a charmed life if your biggest problem is not having free child care. Here's a thought, pay for a babysitter, like other people do (both single and partnered parents).

I actually feel that the OP was asking for help, rather than a Mumsnet internet stoning..

That would be fine frank if she has actually asked for help rather than start a thread which to a large proportion of those on this site is actually pretty offensive

It's your own responsibility if your DCs have never got used to a babysitter.

Your thread title is presumptive and insulting, and your last post is just rude.

But if you split up with your DH you'd spend even less time with him because you've ....(drum roll please).... split up!!!

Geddit?

If you want to spend more time with your OH (don't we all?) then splitting up ain't the way to achieve it.

She'd have got it if she'd thought about her first post and not made the comparison.
We had two small children and no support and were living in a city far away from all our friends and relations with very little cash.
It was very tough going for a while, but that's part of the shit you wade through when you decide to have dependents.
We had a lot of date nights in.

You say you do all the cleaning caring and cooking while he works but in a single parent household the parent has to do the cleaning caring cooking and providing the money. If I get ill I still have to look after the children, if the children are ill I am the one who has to look after them but on top of that I also have the added worry about money.

Your husband needs to start pulling his weight at home and you need to start arranging a babysitter and nights out, if the children are asleep in bed then who is sat downstairs listening out for them is not going to matter to them.

I do the cleaning, childcare, cooking. He works.

How terrible.

I do both/all. The idea of having an adult to talk to in the (50% of) evenings when the children are in bed is a tantalizing dream.

But if you think you're be happier single, knock yourself out.

Frank. I agree but if I posted something like my hair is such a mess I wish I'd had chemo and could wear a wig I'd not get style and beauty advice

I actually feel that the OP was asking for help, rather than a Mumsnet internet stoning..

Well you might feel that. But she didn't actually ask for help just whined about how we all have it so much easier. Forgive me if I take this chance to point out the reality of single life for the majority of single parents.

Ok Deck if it's going to be so much better leave him.

BTW - your friends must be on a better wage/have a far better maintenance settlement than I got if they can regularly afford that. I can't. And I'm exhausted the majority of the time and my depression/anxiety levels are generally a lot higher. But the only way that lone parenting is better for me is that neither dd or myself have to put up with his emotionally and financial abuse. Dd is no longer growing up thinking that his treatment of us is normal.

Or are you just fed up and can't see past the hotel nights? If you are I'd suggest actually talking to them. Because that treat might be something that they've saved/been bought as a pick me up to stay sane.

Sorry to post and run but I've got to go to rugby now...

I don't know the reality of life for single parents, and I still think the OP is being an arse.

This is beyond crass.

So you have a supportive DH that's also a great father?

Book a babysitter. Martyrdom gets you nowhere, fast

My married life isn't all rosy and shared responsibility. I do the cleaning, childcare, cooking. He works. It's 50/50 if the dc go into bed in time for alone time in the evenings. He is a good parent who doesn't shy away from the kids and loves spending time with them but it is my job through other circumstances. I also don't have the time to be ill. I have to nurse a sick child while caring for the others.
Erm, I do the cleaning, childcare, cooking AND work. I don't have time to be ill, I have to nurse one sick child whilst caring for another ( or myself!!)

I have no support from elsewhere. My kids have been with me for so long they would never go to a paid babysitter.
And I couldn't afford a paid babysitter!

My observations come from knowing 4 people in split relationships who share child care. Every other weekend one if off to some lovely hotel or restaurant having much needed 'couple time'. The others enjoy simple things like going for lunch together or shopping for things without a trail of crying dcs behind them. Going to the cinema. A long walk.
And my observations come from knowing single parents who have no-one to share childcare with, who never get to go to "lovely hotels" , never have "me" time, let alone couple time, who go for a walk with children or not at all

I am envious I cannot spend couple time with my DH. I fear our relationship is strained through lack of time for us. It's been 6 years so far and everything now is a process. There is no thoughtful couple-ness which I don't doubt would be there if we actually had the time to give to each other.
Well. given my ex walked out I don't get much couple-ness either!

Honestly, just think before you open your mouth!

Deck. Many single parents were married before so don't need patronising and telling that it's not all roses.

You are right, it isn't.

But you haven't a clue till you have tried it.

You have a partner. You might do all the cleaning, but I'm sure he could go out for a pint of milk if you run out one night. Can't happen if you are a single parent and the child is asleep. Worse is if the bread has gone stale too....

I bet he does small jobs anyway. Empty the dishwasher. Wash up. Bins out. Carry stuff upstairs. Or even just talks or sits with the children while you are doing stuff like that.

You have issues which could be fixed. One put the kids to bed. One clear up after dinner. Both get to sit down and relax Earlier. A single parent has to do the whole lot.

If you want time together, carve it out.

You have every night. Every day.

I'm in a new relationship. 4 months in. I have dd 28 days put of 30. 2 of those 4 spare days I work. How much time do you think I have ?

Presumably at weekends you are both there? So how about one weekend you take full responsibility for your kids from morning til night and do all the night time wakings. Then the following weekend your DH does the same. Sure you'd each get your 'alone' time, you wouldn't get quality time together which is presumably what you want.

I can't believe you haven't even apologised to all of us you have offended. Get your head out of your arse and be thankful for what you have. A 'kind, loving father' and kids with a happy home and two parents who love them.

Your title, is offensive. My ex knows how much I value free time that comes to me when he has the kids, so he buggers about with it, cancels it at short notice, refuses to have the kids overnight so I never get to go out....a day off is like a glimmer of light at the end of two or three really really hard weeks where I do everything for the kids. I have a dp, who doesn't live with me...and we try really hard to create time for ourselves, but often we lose it at short notice, because of my ex's behaviour.

These single parent friends of yours more than deserve their time out, and who are you to judge anyway? After a tough week, a day off is really vital. With both of you, you can at least go out separately....I Can't even go and grab some milk at 8pm. Also, wishing you were in the position of a single parent is ridiculous. What you need to do, if you are actually looking for advice, is sit down together and work out HOW you can have some couple time. Ie: planning a film night at home, trying out a babysitter for a couple of hours etc etc.

Some of your post is resentful and sounds like you want to be able to stay out past midnight, have a full day off a week and that simply doesn't happen. Very few parents single or otherwise get this, why should you be any different?

I never chose to be a single parent, my children have suffered terribly due to the actions of their dad, and some events during the year are incredibly hard and painful for us all. That's why your post is so offensive.

Ignoring all the single parent crap you're spouting because pp have said it better..

"I don't have time to be ill"? Oh yes, because being ill is a delightful choice people make to fill their spare time

Wait til you've got a teenager and are a single parent. Then you won't get any alone time ever and they'll be going to bed after you.

If you think it's so much easier being a single parent, I suggest you try it.

And it's entirely your fault if your kids won't go to a babysitter, paid or otherwise.

And anyone who is looking for "thoughtful coupleness" in a marriage with young kids is honestly living in cloud cuckoo land. It's not easy with young kids, you have to make an effort, and you haven't. You haven't made the effort to know a neighbour or a teenager who could baby sit for you and let you and your husband go out. My DD babysits for the couple across the road - she's 16, and she's been doing this for about a year.

*I do the cleaning, childcare, cooking. He works....

How terrible.

I do both/all.*

This.

Try it, OP. Go on, try it. I've just worked another 6 day week. The house is a mess because after not getting back home till 9pm on Friday afer work and daughter's tutoring, I worked 8.30 - 6pm yesterday with barely a break, and all I was for for was collapsing on front of the tv with a Pizza Hut.

Want to come round and do my housework? Because on top of holding down three jobs, and caring for my daughter, I have to do all of that as well.

My heart bleeds for you. I'll tell my DC (18 and 20 years old), whose father left when they were 7 weeks and 20 months old, never paying a penny in maintenance, contacting them perhaps once every couple of years and sending them not so much as a Christmas card between them how lucky we all are.

I'll remind myself how fortunate I was to go through surgery and radiotherapy while looking after two babies singlehandedly and how very lucky I was to be struggling on a below poverty line income with an insecure tenancy.

Day in, day out. No nights out. Ever. No fucker to share the childcare with when I or the kids were ill. Ever. No one to leave the kids with when going to the supermarket, the local shop for a pint of milk, the doctors or the hospital. My kids still remember sitting in the waiting room of the oncology outpatients department and are still to this day traumatised by that memory.

Be careful what you wish for.

I wouldn't have wished my experience of single parenthood on anyone. Until I read your OP that is.

For those saying they do all the childcare AND work, that's not actually true is it? Who looks after the kids while you work?? Just making a point.