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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say nothing to DH even though I can't unknow what I know !

217 replies

Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 11:23

Right , first post so be nice , and I will do my best grammar wise but it's not my strong point ...

Anyway let me set the scene ... I'm a married FT working mommy to 3 DDs eldest is 16 then 3 and 4 year old .

Mornings are also not my strong point but somehow I manage to get everyone up and ready and out the door in a reasonable state of dress on timeish , dropped off at school , nursery , collage and get to my desk for 9am , my little ones are not the most cooperative of kids first thing in the morning but we get the job done usually at the expense of the housework , ie breakfast stuff not in the dishwasher , toys left out , pj's left where ever they were taken off ...

DH has a huge issue with this as he thinks I should be more organised ,he is gone way before kids get up the morning so actually has no idea what happens UNTIL NOW

Today I have found several recordings of upto 2 hours long on the IPAD recording exactly what goes on a morning ... The shit bag has been secretly taping me on a app ... I've no idea what he plans to achieve by this or what he intends to do with the info on there but I can't tell you how upset I am ...

He is generally a fairly decent DH and DF , but I know he will try to laugh it off if I mention it or say something along the lines if I had nothing to hide it shouldn't be a problem , or something else similar ..

WIBU to say nothing to his face but Monday morning talk to the iPad to let him know I know , ie 'good morning DH , hope u enjoy today's thrilling installment of the morning routine ' .... It's a bit PA but I'm too heartbroken to row which is a shame as usually love a good row ...

Wise mumnetters , give me a good talking too please !

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 08/11/2014 16:07

Not only is this a completely unacceptable and outrageous situation, but the fact that you work full time too and deal with everything in the morning while he only has to deal with himself is unbelievable. Rather than help and try to do things the night before with you to help the mornings run smoothly, he records you instead?????

I really hope you tear him a new one OP .......

Bambambini · 08/11/2014 16:08

Sounds like he's listening to see what time you get up and if you're leaving it too late or leaving the kids to see to themselves. Very weird. I guess I would only be tempted to tape someone if I thought something really serious was going on.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 08/11/2014 16:08

I'd say to one of your guests does your partner film you to make sure your doing enough around the house to make him look a twat. What a dick

TheLyingOldBitchAndHerWardrobe · 08/11/2014 16:20

This is the same set up as dh and me. He leaves at sparrow's fart and I get myself and three dc up and out and leave the house tidyish with varying success.

Often I get home and dh will bring me coffee and say 'you must have had a rough morning with them, it was a bomb site' and we'll commiserate together.

Your dh is an arse.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 08/11/2014 16:20

Hope he has a very good explanation for his actions!

Dragonfly71 · 08/11/2014 16:23

Good point Marceline! I expect he justifies everything by saying gets up early for work. But as my dh admitted when he had a long commute driving along with the radio on is actually quite nice, especially compared to morning havoc with kids against the clock before you even start work ( as in paid work).

Original poster
Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 16:24

Where do I start ...,

So I casually stroll Into the lounge as he is sat on the couch with the iPad , I very calmly say , let me show u something ... Flick to the recording app .. And very quietly ( kids are about) ask if there is a reason he has recorded what he has done

His reply ... To record u snoring , ( I have a cold and I'm not usually a snorer but it is something he has mentioned over the last few days ) I replied .. So what's with the rest of it ? Recording start at 6.35 my alarm go off at 6.45 .. Apparently that just how long it goes for !

I explained how violated I felt and how completely unacceptable this is and how although I believed we had a strong marriage the trust has gone

Of course he promised never to do it again and he said he could see where I was coming from blah blah blah

Knowing him as I do , it seems a reasonable explanation , he is almost quite simplistic so I doubt he has thought further on about how it would make me feel or the implications etc ...

However ... I can't get passed it ... I truly don't think he will ever know how bad it made me feel this morning , we have faced tough time before , more than most marriages I would think but the trust has always been there and I've never doubted it until today

I've no idea how this is going to end .. Maybe it will kill us , maybe we will laugh about it ( eventually) who knows

Thank you lovely ladies .... In RL I tend to approach things with a gob almighty .. Your posts gave me the strength to deal with this calmly and quietly which actually I think has made it sink into his stupid thicko head and convey how truly hurt I am ... Keep up the good work Smile

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 08/11/2014 16:28

I don't buy the recording you snoring excuse, why would he want to do that, to what end? No, you don't record someone without their knowledge ever.

Original poster
Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 16:29

And just so u all know , I'm no pushover ... He bloody well will be doing more of the morning load ... He leaves way before me but he can still sort the kids breakfasts out !

Arse ! I dare him to ever bring up housework or my lack of it again

Arse again !

OP posts:
Dragonfly71 · 08/11/2014 16:29

Gut instinct OP... Do you believe it was about snoring?

Gruntfuttock · 08/11/2014 16:29

Why did he want to record you snoring? What good is that going to do?

emotionsecho · 08/11/2014 16:30

I don't know enough about Ipad recording to know whether that is right about the length of time it records, I am a bit sceptical, but I am sure someone will confirm/debunk that.

oneowlgirl · 08/11/2014 16:30

Well done for confronting him & making your point. Hope you can get past this if things are usually good with you both. Good luck.

Original poster
Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 16:31

He would record me snoring to prove I do ... He is bastard for 1 up man ship ,

Again a trait I bloody detest !

OP posts:
ArsenicSoup · 08/11/2014 16:31

He wants to get a recording of you snoring so he sets the recording to start 10 minutes before your alarm goes off?

I don't buy it. Not at all.

My DH is a snorer. The last ten minutes of sleep is just not what you'd aim to capture.

He is suspicious of something re your morning routine. He also sounds like a smooth liar. You poor thing.

InfinitySeven · 08/11/2014 16:32

I've tested this. My iPad will record all day if left, or until the memory or battery runs out.

Or for a preset time.

But not for two hours as default...

Chippednailvarnish · 08/11/2014 16:32

You're letting him off the hook far too lightly.

ArsenicSoup · 08/11/2014 16:34

DH and I have used an app to record his snoring (his app with his knowledge/consent) but the point was to let him see how bad/loud it was. Otherwise why bother?

emotionsecho · 08/11/2014 16:35

So what if you do snore when you have a cold? Big deal. What's his point, trying to undermine or humiliate you further maybe?

ArsenicSoup · 08/11/2014 16:36

And why bother with a little 10 minute snippet at a time when someone is coming out of deep sleep anyway? If he sleeps with you he will know that that is not peak snoring time.

Bearbehind · 08/11/2014 16:37

Although recording only 10 minutes before you wake up seems a bit strange, I guess if he's awake and hears you snoring he could have set it to record then.

Do you wake up before your alarm or could you have been snoring then?

It is totally ridiculous that he felt the need to do it but the fact he had an answer straight away and could have had no inclination before you confronted him, I suspect it is the real reason he did it.

Doesn't change the fact he's an arse though.

emotionsecho · 08/11/2014 16:37

What was he going to do with the snoring recording (all 10 minutes worth out of 2 hours worth of recording hmmm), was he going to play it to you and say "here listen to yourself, you snore" and ???

rookiemater · 08/11/2014 16:38

It does sound plausible to me, but it doesn't let your DH 100% off the hook.

Firstly if you get up at 6.45 then you are far from lazy. I suggest that now is a perfect time to talk about your thoughts on his criticism of you for not tidying up in the morning. I'd push for a cleaner if family budget allows and for him doing some of the morning chores, as I said in an earlier post layout of breakfasts and uniform/clothes can be done before ( although even then I'd struggle to get everything done in half an hour as skylander manages to).
You're meant to be a team, so he needs to start acting like you're both on the same side, not trying to catch you out and demonstrate that you snore. FWIW DH snores, more so when he has been drinking, I use Boots Muffles wax earplugs, suggest you buy your DH a box, and you can save a pair for when he starts unnecessary complaints.

silveroldie2 · 08/11/2014 16:46

I think this is intolerable and at the very least would take the ipad into the garden and smash it into a hundred pieces which I would then drop in his lap. No way do I buy the snoring story.

Original poster
Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 16:47

He has just made a big showy point of deleting the app ...

My gut feeling is he is telling the truth but was happy to let it run to try and catch me out otherwise , he has mentioned my organisation skills and morning routine many times and how he could do it better without the shouting and arguing (kids not me !) and herding so I know he would have being looking for ways to pull me up given half a chance ...

He is a total dick and I'm glad I'm out on the Wine tonight ...

Shame he deleted it ... Would have loved to hear him getting the DDs to bed .... Grrr

OP posts: