AIBU to say nothing to DH even though I can't unknow what I know !

[Toofat2BtheFly]

Right , first post so be nice , and I will do my best grammar wise but it's not my strong point ...

Anyway let me set the scene ... I'm a married FT working mommy to 3 DDs eldest is 16 then 3 and 4 year old .

Mornings are also not my strong point but somehow I manage to get everyone up and ready and out the door in a reasonable state of dress on timeish , dropped off at school , nursery , collage and get to my desk for 9am , my little ones are not the most cooperative of kids first thing in the morning but we get the job done usually at the expense of the housework , ie breakfast stuff not in the dishwasher , toys left out , pj's left where ever they were taken off ...

DH has a huge issue with this as he thinks I should be more organised ,he is gone way before kids get up the morning so actually has no idea what happens UNTIL NOW

Today I have found several recordings of upto 2 hours long on the IPAD recording exactly what goes on a morning ... The shit bag has been secretly taping me on a app ... I've no idea what he plans to achieve by this or what he intends to do with the info on there but I can't tell you how upset I am ...

He is generally a fairly decent DH and DF , but I know he will try to laugh it off if I mention it or say something along the lines if I had nothing to hide it shouldn't be a problem , or something else similar ..

WIBU to say nothing to his face but Monday morning talk to the iPad to let him know I know , ie 'good morning DH , hope u enjoy today's thrilling installment of the morning routine ' .... It's a bit PA but I'm too heartbroken to row which is a shame as usually love a good row ...

Wise mumnetters , give me a good talking too please !

Yes I didn't think about that but I agree with PP who have said, he might think you're cheating.

Under the bed is a weird place to leave it, unless you and your 3 DC get ready in there and that's where all the 'mess' is left

So is it just the sound he's been recording can you tell how long it's been occurring?

I'd rehearse a speech 'morning voyeur ....nothing much going on this morning but breakfast.... (then throw a weetabix) and a few spoons of honey over his Ipad'....just thought you'd like to join us....

I'd actually be livid and wonder what the hell else he does. Very odd.

I don't think any assumptions should be made about what he is doing and why. It's possible he has said something OP which is why you think the recording is him monitoring you in the mornings.

It's possible it is accidental.

This needs to be talked about though. Copy the recordings to a USB stick or the cloud if you feel you have to then tell him you've found some odd recordings on the iPad and ask him what is he trying to record and why. Don't tell him you think he's checking up on you - put the ball in his court to explain himself. Keep the moral upper hand and talk about respecting someone else's privacy and what his issues are that have led to him making recordings.

If he has deliberately set out to record you all for no good reason (that you can see) then that is weird.

Your lovely secure equal marriage is indeed anything but.

Sorry, but this is way, way beyond any sort of acceptable behaviour. And to hear you say he would laugh it off is frankly worrying.

A normal person would not think that this was an ok thing to do. They really would not.

I would simply go way over his head with this. Because it is not a 'household, relationship' issue. It is a massive invasion of privacy to covertly record someone. If this was in the workplace, he would be in serious trouble. As indeed I imagine he could be here, if you so chose.

As you say he will not take it seriously, I suggest you help him along the way. This will seem extreme, but what I would do is contact the police and a solicitor and ask their advice. Not that you would necessarily act on any of it, but the simple reality of his wife's reaction to his actions being to go to the police sounds like the only thing that might open his eyes... and hopefully shock and frighten him into realising that he has not acted reasonably, normally or acceptably here.

A quick google (not really the most reliable way to get an answer to this question I know) seems to say that recording someone's telephone conversation without their knowledge is illegal. I'm not sure how this would apply to the covert surveillance he's undertaken here, but go to the police and ask.

I would then confront him, tell him what the police response had been and assure him that the recordings had been saved and would be used as evidence of harassment in the future if you got the merest whiff of anything like this ever happening again. In the meantime, relate/counselling. No choice in the matter. Oh, and I'd make sure he realised that any further nonsense would see me not only pursuing a separation, but looking into using the recordings as evidence of threatening/harassing behaviour in order to get an occupation order to put him out of the house.

In a nutshell, zero tolerance. Because your lovely husband is not lovely at all.

I would not be thinking my marriage was strong after such a discovery.

I am fuming on your behalf. His behaviour is dreadful. It would be the beginning of the end for me because no matter what he says, what is done is done and I would never be able to trust him again, neither would I feel at ease in my own home ever again.

Is the house a mess when he gets in? How does your morning routine usually go?

But I think if you are getting all the children, and yourself ready and to various places on time then it really isn't an issue.

If i found something I like this I would assume dh was building a case for me not being able to look after the children and was going to use it in a separation and custody case.

You really need to confront hi before Monday.

What about pretending to make making a telephone call and go through a 'loving' script. Eg

Hello, my darling.

Pause and pretend to listen to answer
Oh, well, er. I think I might be able to.
Pause
Righto 12.30 at [insert name of restaurant] See you [insert day]. Byeee

It won't be on your telephone bill so you could prove that it was a spoof.

It would also be interesting to hear women's aid and the polices take on this before confrontation.

Calm down above.

Until you ask him op how in earth can you take any action at all.

It may be a mistake, a stupid joke to play to you at Christmas, you can't possibly make anything of this until you simply ask him.

When you get a response then you will know what to do.

If he acts like it's all fine and it's not an issue then you have a big problem here I think as it's seriously wierd behaviour.

Anyway recording aside you need to sit him down and tell him exactly what his house work duties are. It's 50:50 when you both work ft and no pushing it all onto you.

If i found something I like this I would assume dh was building a case for me not being able to look after the children and was going to use it in a separation and custody case.

My thoughts exactly.

It all depends on how well the two get on. If he's not controlling and he really would see this as a joke, then it's a very different situation from a controlling man spying. Do let the OP comment before going for the police option!!!

IF it was my house then I think the I Pad would be 'missing' until DH can explain himself as to why he thinks that at any point he was right in doing this.

OP this is not a joke. Your DH does not view you as an equal. Even if he hadn't stooped to the despicable action of filming you, how dare he expect that you when you work f/t and are responsible for getting 3 DCs into school and nursery, somehow you are also meant to keep the house pristine. Unless you've solved the space time continuim of being in two places at once, it's just not possible - and if it was, why the heck isn't he doing it.

You seem quite downtrodden. Surely you must see that you are excellent at mornings. I only have one 8 year old DS and find it challenge enough to get him to school and into work for 9.00am and if DH dared to make any remarks about my lack of organisation, well I'd just move out for a few days and see how he figured it out.

Talk to him calmy about it, but as a minimum I'd be expecting counselling, a cleaner if it's that bloody important to him that the house is immaculate he can pay for it, and some help in the mornings. Why can't he do part of the morning routine, even if he leaves early, he could be getting out cereal bowls, prepping outfits etc the evening before.

If it was me, my first thought would have been 'how the fuck has this ended up recording automatically'.

It says quite a lot about your marriage that you assume he's doing it on purpose :(

In your situation I'd be going through every single thing to see if there's anything else on there.

Then I'd confront him. Face to face, and he would not be turning it into a 'it was just...' Situation. If he has done it, it would be the end for me, it over steps the creepy, weird & no fucking right to line, by a long way.

When I go back to work after maternity leave, we've agreed my partner will get our DS ready for nursery and take him, and I will do the pick ups... I have to leave for work at 6.30 for a 7.30 start, whereas DP's commute is shorter and he starts at 9am, and I'll be able to pick up by 5pm, whereas DP would be picking him up at 6pm. I suspect (from the state of the kitchen when DP makes his sandwich in the morning!) that the house will look like a bomb has hit it when I get in in the evenings, and I'll be the one to tidy it up... But isn't that the pay off for escaping the frantic morning rush?

Your husband is being unreasonable about this, aside form the whole creepy recording thing!

rookie I think you have made some massive assumptions or have read some different posts from those I have read to describe the OP as 'downtrodden'. She knows her DH so thinks she knows why he has made recordings.

Pps have suggested several different reasons why he may be doing it, if indeed it is deliberate, but in fact no one knows and the OP's DH needs to be asked in order to find out.

Ok wowfudge downtrodden was perhaps not a great choice of words and I apologise to the OP.

However the facts remain that getting two preschoolers and a preteen out the door and getting in to work for your f/t job on time with zero help or support, only criticism about lack of tidiness from your partner, is pretty good going. For the OP to say she is not a morning person seems kind of unlikely based on how much she is managing to do in that time.

I might be wrong. Perhaps the OPs DH is making the recording so he can understand how much work it is to actually get out in the mornings, so he can offer to help and support her and buy her a huge bunch of flowers to say sorry for being such an enormous arse . No? Well that's the only nice reason I can think of and as it's not terribly likely based on his previous behaviour of belittling the OPs cleaning.

It would be really interesting to know what time the DH leaves the house and why he can't/won't participate in the getting ready or time critical and 100& vital tidying up to his standard. Perhaps his full time job is better and more important than the OPs full time job and therefore absolves him of any responsibilities.

Fuck that, he's a controlling perv!

Give him something to worry about, it is nothing to do with your morning routine, it is because he has only got 2 hours recording time more like.

Rookie your second post about sums it up nicely.

On the point that he might be recording due to using it for any custody battle I would assume behaviour like this would back fire spectacularly wouldn't it?

Recording him a message is the perfect idea. I'm sure you're resist the temptation to tell him he's being a controlling tosser.

OP's eldest is 16. I can't see why she'd need any help getting ready in the mornings at all.

So, two preschoolers - plenty old enough to eat without being fed, to take themselves to the toilet and so on. It really shouldn't be that difficult especially with a 16 year old to help.

I would tell him to f off about tidying up in the mornings. You will choose when you tidy up. End of discussion.

But, while the recording is weird, wrong and very creepy, I can't help wondering whether he wonders something else is going on because of the big issue being made of getting two kids breakfast and putting them in a car. Come on, OP, an adult and a 16 year old getting themselves and two preschoolers dressed, breakfasted and out of the house takes half an hour tops. It took me less than that without the 16 year old to help.

So what it doesn't take you as long, Skylark? This isn't about you and these aren't your children. All children are different and some can be very challenging especially when working to a time frame.

If the OP's dh doesn't like the mess may be he should muck in more instead of making secret recordings.

What else is he recording without your knowledge/consent? Something like this would make me think about every single step he does....It's shocking and I am really sorry OP but I wouldn't leave it...

I think you're barking up the wrong tree OP, I think he is trying to listen to phone calls etc, does he suspect you of cheating?

skylark how long it takes you really isn't the point. I'm sure there are aspects of your day to day life that others can get done quicker than you. Would you think it was ok for them to record you as a result?