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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say nothing to DH even though I can't unknow what I know !

217 replies

Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 11:23

Right , first post so be nice , and I will do my best grammar wise but it's not my strong point ...

Anyway let me set the scene ... I'm a married FT working mommy to 3 DDs eldest is 16 then 3 and 4 year old .

Mornings are also not my strong point but somehow I manage to get everyone up and ready and out the door in a reasonable state of dress on timeish , dropped off at school , nursery , collage and get to my desk for 9am , my little ones are not the most cooperative of kids first thing in the morning but we get the job done usually at the expense of the housework , ie breakfast stuff not in the dishwasher , toys left out , pj's left where ever they were taken off ...

DH has a huge issue with this as he thinks I should be more organised ,he is gone way before kids get up the morning so actually has no idea what happens UNTIL NOW

Today I have found several recordings of upto 2 hours long on the IPAD recording exactly what goes on a morning ... The shit bag has been secretly taping me on a app ... I've no idea what he plans to achieve by this or what he intends to do with the info on there but I can't tell you how upset I am ...

He is generally a fairly decent DH and DF , but I know he will try to laugh it off if I mention it or say something along the lines if I had nothing to hide it shouldn't be a problem , or something else similar ..

WIBU to say nothing to his face but Monday morning talk to the iPad to let him know I know , ie 'good morning DH , hope u enjoy today's thrilling installment of the morning routine ' .... It's a bit PA but I'm too heartbroken to row which is a shame as usually love a good row ...

Wise mumnetters , give me a good talking too please !

OP posts:
CaptainJaneSafeway · 08/11/2014 11:55

Is he paranoid? Are you sure he's checking on your competence or is it something like he's worried you all bitch about him or something?

I would have to have it out with him.

I actually don't think recording/filming is always out of the question, for example it might be a good idea for someone who is being abused to gain hard evidence. But checking up on your standards because he disapproves and thinks you're disorganised - that would make me furious.

In my relationship I'm the organised one and DP is chaotic and messy - and yes sometimes I nag and sometimes I get frustrated. But I wouldn't DREAM of recording how he manages the DC when I'm not there.

Original poster
Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 11:55

Thanks all .. You have confirmed everything I had already thought ... Must go get ready for my visitors now ... I will update as and when Confused

OP posts:
CaptainJaneSafeway · 08/11/2014 11:56

(Also you do need to be sure it's him - not the DC messing about?)

Original poster
Toofat2BtheFly · 08/11/2014 11:57

It is 3 recordings , all from 6.30am for 2 hours , tues weds thurs of last week ... He must have forgot Friday !

OP posts:
championnibbler · 08/11/2014 11:57

Wow. So your DH is a peeping tom.
I would be worried that he has secretly recorded me elsewhere i.e. in the bathroom, bedroom etc.
I would also be worried that he has recorded the kids.

Jolleigh · 08/11/2014 11:58

If he's only recording sound, are you sure he's monitoring your cleaning? Sounds like the actions of someone trying to catch a cheat, especially if he's leaving it under the bed Hmm

ClashCityRocker · 08/11/2014 12:00

If fuming for you!

What the actual fuck was he thinking?

Was he going to show you the secret recordings and tell you exactly where you were going wrong? Did he think you'd be pleased at that?!

I would suggest, as he knows it bloody all, you go off for a nice breakfast for a week and see how he deals with it all.

VeryStressedMum · 08/11/2014 12:02

What is he hoping to record by leaving it under the bed? How would it pick up what happens downstairs? Very strange!

FamiliesShareGerms · 08/11/2014 12:02

This would be game over for me, I'm afraid. That breach of trust would be almost impossible to overcome

Leviticus · 08/11/2014 12:02

Yes I can't see how that's monitoring you cleaning up. Does he suspect you if cheating?

puntasticusername · 08/11/2014 12:04

"If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear"? Seriously? That's something the fucking GOVERNMENT would say.

Don't indulge in any of the PA games suggested on here, tempting as it is. Tell him straight that he's a total wanker who has utterly betrayed your trust, and ask whether he would like to commence his several months of extreme groveling straight away, or will he be off to pack his bags instead?

headlesslambrini · 08/11/2014 12:04

Shock blimey!

Plug your hoover in and switch it on and leave it till you leave the house.

Delatron · 08/11/2014 12:04

You both work full time therefore Childcare/ cleaning should be 50:50. How dare he moan about a bit of mess, you sound like superwoman to me. I would rearrange my working hours so 50% of the time you are the one leaving early and he is dealing with the kids. No negotiation. See how he gets on then.

I would go ballistic at being filmed. You are supposed to be a team, instead of supporting you and helping out he films you? Jeez. I bet his mornings are lovely, get up, have a cup of tea, do bugger all, go to work. This is so unfair on many levels and I would be tearing strips off him.

Osirus · 08/11/2014 12:06

I thought that he might be suspecting you of cheating too - but if he's only recording for two hours in the morning I'm not sure that fits.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/11/2014 12:07

Look, a man who decides to critique your tidying up when you have two young children to get ready in the mornings, ferry the three of them about while he's already fucked off to work is an arsehole. You do all that AND arrive at your workplace for 9am which makes you WonderWoman and he's just a judgmental prat who hasn't got a fucking clue.

Him recording your morning routines is beyond the bloody Pale. How dare he! It's weird and very, very creepy. This is not something I'd be prepared to keep quiet about. No bloody chance. Have it out with him, and pronto

Jolleigh · 08/11/2014 12:10

The more I think about this, the less likely I think it is that he's recording you simply to work out where you're wasting time in the morning. If he's left it under the bed recording sound only, how can he hear what goes on in the kitchen at breakfast? He wants to know specifically what's happening in your bedroom. And I'd assume (not knowing the ins and outs of your morning) that all that happens in the bedroom is getting yourself dressed and the DCs are dressed in their rooms? If I were to step into a home with a desire to record routine, I'd set the device up in a family area, not the master bedroom.

Lucked · 08/11/2014 12:12

I would be torn too, the idea of getting to say what you want to him on the recording without having him interrupt and to give him a shock would be very tempting but you also let him prepare a defence.

It should be clear that you are livid, it is beyond unacceptable and that it has seriously damaged your trust. I do like the idea of "the sound you just heard was me packing your bags!" Or similar.

I am so sorry op, I would be really upset.

ApocalypseNowt · 08/11/2014 12:16

I would go absolutely spare at this. Shock

I'd also cancel the visitors and give him both barrels right now.

StarlingMurmuration · 08/11/2014 12:19

So it's an audio recording in the bedroom (the divan being your bed?)? Could he suspect you're having an affair? Otherwise, I don't understand why he's recording noise in the bedroom and not say the kitchen. Not that recording you is acceptable either way, I hasten to add.

Inertia · 08/11/2014 12:19

I don't get this- how much can it actually record from under the bed? Surely most of what happens in the mornings takes place in the kitchen, bathroom, children's rooms while they get up/ dressed?

This is a real breach of trust- and the fact that he's recording you in bed is really quite creepy. I wouldn't be able to let this lie - and I would actually tackle it with him from the point of view that this is the action of a voyeur, and what the hell is he doing secretly recording you in the bedroom, and you'll consider taking the ipad to an IT specialist to check whether he's uploaded any of his peeping tom activities to the internet.

The complaining about morning routines is a different issue. I would tell him that you have to be at work for 7am for several days on xx dates and he will need to deal with the children and get himself to work later. But the fact that he's even commenting, while doing nothing to contribute to the family, tells you that he's a selfish arse.

iklboo · 08/11/2014 12:20

Is there even the smallest chance it's on some kind of auto timer & it's happened by accident? That he realised on Friday & switched it off?

If not, sod the visitors. In fact, bring down the IPad while they're there & ask them if they'd like to see something interesting.

Monathevampire1 · 08/11/2014 12:21

Can you save copies of the recordings somewhere? Once he knows he has been rumbled he will delete the recordings.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/11/2014 12:22

Why is the iPad kept under the bed at all?

Sorry but this is becoming more baffling to me.

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/11/2014 12:23

You know when you think you had heard and read it all and then bam!

I'd go about my normal business and then say as I was leaving, 'Oh husband, by the way, I am now off to see a solicitor about a divorce. I hope this covert recording of me was worth it.'

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/11/2014 12:24

If not, sod the visitors. In fact, bring down the IPad while they're there & ask them if they'd like to see something interesting.

Actually - this ^