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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunty responsibilities ...she never picks up DCs

225 replies

beegee · 29/10/2014 21:57

We have a lovely Aunty to our 2 DCs (my SIL). She loves them to stay over, although it happens quite rarely. (My eldest is 11yo) - she lives about 45 mins away. I've just noticed that there has never been an occasion she suggests she comes and picks them up. We always take the children there, then drive home, then the next day we drive down there to pick them up, then home again. Of course this is fine, it is just this weekend we are really stretched with time and asked her if she could possibly come on the train and then do the return journey with them (they would love the journey on the train with their Aunty, too) Then we would come to pick them up the next day as usual. We thought she would be fine with this lift share. However, she gave us a flat 'no, sorry', in a text and left it as that.
She has no children of her own, so she's only got herself to consider.
We are just a bit surprised by her rejection of our idea without any explanation it's a flat 'no'. It makes me feel slightly alone tbh.
Perhaps I'm overreacting - very possibly - but I think I'd have no problem doing this if it were my nephew and niece.
Let me know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling miffed. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 08:53

Nanadook - yes ..and I think I get very defensive on my DH's behalf as he's been very ill.. I feel very overprotective of him. Perhaps I hadn't seen myself doing this

OP posts:
Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 08:54

Been doing other things than just posting!! LOL. MN is a big distraction, we all know this, surely?!

OP posts:
wanttosinglikemarycoughlan · 30/10/2014 08:55

It really doesn't make any difference what your situation is OP. You are on aibu and you will get pages of people telling you yabu which get nastier page by page
Then you will get the obligatory poster telling you everyone had said yabu so you should accept it and stop arguing
Of course if some random kid walked into your house they would tell you that you had a duty of care for her

I think your sil should be prepared to put herself out a little if she wants them to stay. It sounds like them staying makes work for you
And, in this context, I would find no a rude reply

LemonadeRayGun · 30/10/2014 09:15

The problem here is you have described two very different situations in your posts. First situation, Auntie is babysitting, which FYI she doesn't actually do very often, rubbish Aunty, and not only that but she refuses to come by train to pick them up! She must have an empty life without children, so why can't she run around after mine?

Second situation. Aunty has asked to have the kids for the weekend. We are really pushed for time and it isn't really convenient this weekend as we are helping out my ill father. I asked Aunty if she was able to come by train to collect the kids and she replied "no". It's going to be really difficult to get the kids to her, I'm not sure how we will manage it.

First situation you are being unreasonable, second one I can see how that is frustrating and annoying.

My kids used to go to MILs for tea on a Thursday after school, initially because I was working, but then I changed my working pattern and there was no need, in fact I didn't like them going as I like having them at home after school, I miss them all day! But I thought it was nice for them to see their grandmother and grandfather. But then it got to a point where all she did was complain about them, how difficult it was having them, how tired she was, how badly behaved they are etc etc and for us getting them home was really inconvenient as FIL wouldn't drive them (a 30 min walk at the end of a long day, often in pouring rain it seemed!!) so we stopped them going. She rarely bothers with them now. When I was working, we would have put up with it all because they were doing us a favour, free childcare. Once I wasn't working and it was, I thought, more for MIl and FIL (kids weren't fussed), it became a different situation altogether to put up with their moaning etc!

In your situation though OP I think you need Aunty to have the kids this weekend so you are free to help your father, so she is doing you a favour., and your OP is probably closest to the real scenario. So I think YABU, although her short text is a bit rude, that would annoy me too.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/10/2014 09:16

lovelydiscusfish, I do think it is unreasonable to feel entitled to help from others. You are entitled to ask, they are entitled to say no without repercussions. It's lovely when people do help and is lovely to help people . But if people do help, you should be grateful not just think that's what you are entitled to! You are lucky, not entitled.

needaholidaynow · 30/10/2014 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovelydiscusfish · 30/10/2014 09:25

I guess I just have a very different view of how society should work, Guybrush. I feel obliged to help those around me (within reason) and entitled to reciprocal help back, again within reason. Which is not to say I don't also feel grateful for help given, and say thank you.
Obviously there are limits on what I'd do for others, and limits on what I can expect them to do for me. I'm not a particularly good person, really, so I don't always do as much as I could, I don't suppose. But picking up someone's kids to help them out is well within the limits of what I'd consider reasonable to do for others, where possible, and to ask them to do for me.

Fudgeface123 · 30/10/2014 09:26

She doesn't want to look after your kids, she doesn't need to tell you why, maybe she's sick of looking after your kids. She doesn't owe you an explanation and you should just accept it. They are YOUR kids, not hers.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/10/2014 09:32

But Fudge she has "Aunty responsibilites" Grin

Fudgeface123 · 30/10/2014 09:40

oh yeah, sorry Chipped, forgot about that bit Grin

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 09:44

Fudge but when she needs help , her brother will come running and go over and above to help his family including his sister. They are not her kids but her nephews, her mothers grandchildren , part of her family.

Fudgeface123 · 30/10/2014 09:53

Antiopa12 that doesn't mean the auntie has a responsibility to return the favour. We are allowed to say no to family sometimes

HowDidThatWorkOut · 30/10/2014 09:54

OP, I have read all your posts but I still think yabu - the reason being is that it's all over the 'tone' of a flipping text! Haven't you ever been in the middle of things and quickly had to send a short text.

There may be lots of reasons that she doesn't want to pick the kids up. If she is been working all week maybe she wants to relax or do her chores before the kids come so that she can give them a fabulous weekend. That you interpreted her text and the fact she doesn't want to pick the kids up in such a negative way is very unfair.

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2014 10:02

Oh stop being so over-dramatic Antiopa they're also her grandmothers great grandchildren if you want to start naming random relations.

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2014 10:03

And actually its a lesson that if you want a favour phoning rather than texting is better.

antimatter · 30/10/2014 10:16

You put it that way Aunty responsibilities - sounds like whatever your and your DH's families rules have are different from most of posters on MN.

Maybe it is different culture we are talking about as there's no such thing as Aunty responsibilities.

You seem to disregard her weekend plans and make it sound like no big deal. If it wasn't as big deal - why won't one of you would take them there 45 min each way by train. Once you have this answer replace I/DH with your SIL's name and it would be easy to understand.

I am too busy/tired/exhausted to take my kids to SIL.
with
SIL is to busy/tired/exhausted to take my kids to her town

How having your kids over is not enough for your DH to see his sister helping him?

Also did your DH send her text asking:
Sister can you please come to collect my kids from X and then is surprised to get text reply as No, sorry.

Has he picked up phone and asked her explaining background?

If question was by text and answer by text too - that is definitely not an issue.

If he spoke to her on the phone, she said let me think about it and then replied with a text saying No - there may be an issue.

I hope you let us know how was that question asked.

needaholidaynow · 30/10/2014 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 10:29

Let's say it is not a family member. You are a generous person who has helped a very close friend on numerous occasions, you have just been through a difficult time yourself and on a rare occasion you ask your close friend for a favour. she texts back "No, sorry" .
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. It is hurtful.

ApocalypseThen · 30/10/2014 10:35

I think she's being unreasonable to see it as a responsibility rather than a favour and also unreasonable to think that the sil ought to do it because, having no kids of her own, she has nothing else to be doing. If that's your attitude to people they pick it up and they don't appreciate it.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/10/2014 10:38

Projecting much Antiopa12 !

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 10:40

The OP explained that the reason she mentioned no kids was because the Aunty would have less difficulty arranging the train journey not because she has nothing else to do

needaholidaynow · 30/10/2014 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 30/10/2014 10:56

Which makes no sense as an explanation, in fairness. Why would she have less trouble organising to sit on a train for an hour and a half if we accept that she has other stuff going on in her life?

Letitbee · 30/10/2014 10:59

'yes, softening it a bit would have cost nothing. I suppose that was the shock.' Honestly whatever the situation or circumstances you sound like hard work an one of those people who go on and on about things that are trivial and not worth the pixels this is all written on . And all the I'm so blessed and she's lovely but is very passive aggressive.

DreamingDiva34 · 30/10/2014 11:05

If she wanted to chill on her day off she shouldn't have asked to have the children surely. If I ask to have my niece or nephew I don't expect them to be brought to me, picking them up and dropping them back would be something I planned alongside with what We were going to spend our time doing. If I couldn't pick them up for whatever reason, I would ask their parents if they would be able to drop off but I wouldn't assume they would be okay to do that regardless as they aren't asking me a favour I'm asking them, so I don't see why they should be put out by me wanting to spend time with their children.
The op should have said 'sorry no can do' when it became apparent that she/hubby was to do the dropping/collecting because it wasn't convenient but I can understand them not saying it for fear of causing Bad feeling with sil-but in exchange for that they have been left with bad feeling themselves because they aren't asking a favour of anyone but are having to go out of their way to facilitate something that someone else wants.