Aunty responsibilities ...she never picks up DCs

[beegee]

We have a lovely Aunty to our 2 DCs (my SIL). She loves them to stay over, although it happens quite rarely. (My eldest is 11yo) - she lives about 45 mins away. I've just noticed that there has never been an occasion she suggests she comes and picks them up. We always take the children there, then drive home, then the next day we drive down there to pick them up, then home again. Of course this is fine, it is just this weekend we are really stretched with time and asked her if she could possibly come on the train and then do the return journey with them (they would love the journey on the train with their Aunty, too) Then we would come to pick them up the next day as usual. We thought she would be fine with this lift share. However, she gave us a flat 'no, sorry', in a text and left it as that.
She has no children of her own, so she's only got herself to consider.
We are just a bit surprised by her rejection of our idea without any explanation it's a flat 'no'. It makes me feel slightly alone tbh.
Perhaps I'm overreacting - very possibly - but I think I'd have no problem doing this if it were my nephew and niece.
Let me know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling miffed. Thanks!

Funny thread op. Hi to my fellow chaletians!

Seriously op you are joking surely?

Entitled, much ???

Can't believe how vvvvvU you are being.

How have you managed to convince yourself this is a 'lift share'

Wait - this is a joke thread, right ?

Ha, you are funny OP! Yes YABVU.

Hi all. Thanks for responses. Some brutal...More explanation needed perhaps, but I'm fully prepared that I can be unreasonable. Ha! I can see why you'd think she's doing us a favour, but it's not like that for us actually. We love catching up at weekends altogether. The DCs are 11 and 8... It's not Aunty as babysitting services! We are lucky in the fact that we have loads of family locally if we wanted that. Plus mine seem to always be on sleepovers or have friends here, so it just isn't like that from where DH and I are standing. There is a long history of weekends away, even if she doesn't have them much. She does drive, and the train is really easy. It's more a discussion between my DH and his sister - he asked her by text as he was at work - and I found it strange that she answered him with a flat no.. I think it has more to do with their relationship than any thing.. She doesn't 'owe' him an explanation, but when you read a 'no' like that, he feels sadly rejected, I think. My sister would be the complete opposite and knows if I'd asked to share the transport arrangements regarding any family issues, it wouldn't be coz we were being selfish. And this certainly isn't meant as if 'she has no other life' (not that judgemental) because she doesn't have children... I stated that as a short cut way of saying it's not because she will be worrying about her own parenting responsibilities and feel stretched by that. Jeeeeeez Louise... I KNOW I didn't have children to fill her 'empty' life. It's hard to put all that in OP, but there it is... And yes, we are really lucky she loves to have them for the weekend in the sense of - that's exactly what we want for the DCs - to have a strong relationship with the extended family. They are fantastic DCs and deserve a weekend with their Aunty because they LOVE her and will we do what we can to help them and her meet up.

'I don't think OP is unreasonable for asking. As has been pointed out repeatedly, the aunty is under no obligation to have the kids, so presumably she likes them and gets pleasure out of them coming to stay - why should it be a major problem to pick them up once in a while? I like being with my godchildren and I will happily pick them up now and again.'
Thanks EverythingCounts your post put it better than I did! We are under time pressures but I don't want to cancel the weekend as the DCs are really excited about seeing her.
Oh and paying for train fares.. We would meet her at train station ( we live 3 mins away) and pay for all of that, anyway.

I would hate the hassle of a train ride with two children. No decent toilets, possible horrendous delays, no thanks.

DD took a train last week and only found out on the platform that there would be a delay. She had to sit by herself for over two hours on a cold bench at 11pm. Grim.

YABVU expecting anyone to use a train to run your children around.

I think the problem is that you are comparing her to other people who do more. I think everyone does what they can. I have a dd and a dgd and I know my dd is surprised that I am not more interested in looking after my dgd, because other grandmothers do. But everyone's circumstances are different.

She doesn't 'owe' him an explanation, but when you read a 'no' like that, he feels sadly rejected, I think

I think that is your problem really - your husband's emotional needs are unreasonable. Why should he feel sadly rejected by that response? Because he didn't get what he wanted? Because if she loved him she would completely sacrifice her weekend for his children? Because love means never saying no?

Your sil no doubt loves her brother and loves your children. she is a good aunt. there should be no "sadly rejected" in this story.

There might be a bit of "shit I wish she had said yes it would be much more convenient, even if it was a bit of a push to ask her to do it" because in a marriage it is ok to complain about family even if it is unreasonable but surely no "sadly rejected"

Yes, but the more I think about it, I'm concerned this is about my DH's relationship with his sister. He's lovely and generous to his family. He's been through a serious illness too, not that we want to remind ourselves or anyone of this fact...and I feel sad that she wouldn't do him a favour. My OP didn't really cover this as I didn't fully realise why I was feeling so miffed
Trains can be a problem, sure. But I reckon this wasn't her motive.
Now feeling so rubbish thinking about it all, I can't sleep

Honestly OP there are a myriad of reasons why your SIL might not want to take your kids on a train ride that's horrifically inconvenient for her, if you want to interpret it as her rejecting your DH then go ahead.

CYFH ...I'm not explaining myself very well. Sadly rejected isn't really what he feels completely... It's really not easy to explain actually. All I know was he feels upset as the rest of his family live really far away so he feels isolated, she's the closest to us with regards to distance

OP you are seriously overthinking the concept of "doing things when I ask you to = you love me" for your dh and his sis.

You are also overreacting if you can't sleep because you can't get over the blow your sil dealt when she said a reasonable no to a request for a favour.

A favour is just that. You have no idea what is going on in her life that she said no. And she has no obligation to tell you. She probably didn't have a "motive". She just didn't want to get on a train - simple. get over it.

Yes, Katrose. You're right. It's the lack of explanation that troubled me... My family are so close to me, I find it strange that she's not forthcoming with an explanation, but perhaps that's because she resents him asking in the first place...

'Get over it' ??
Wow
Thought this was a community to discuss problems..
I can be challenged, fair enough. But judgements like 'overreacting' Wow!
You have no real context for making that opinion.

I get the feeling of rejection OP. I have always helped my brother when needed but the one time I ask my brother to give a lift to my daughter to a family function he was attending anyway in the same town he texted back a bus timetable. I was very hurt by it , it was so curt. I can understand where you are coming from.

Thanks Antiopa. It's exactly like that. We go above and beyond in RL. Would drop anything for anyone. I think people's reactions to this thread have come as a result of not having a context for it all and have piled on because it looks like we are palming off our DCs on her for the weekend. Which was my fault for not explaining well enough. I just thought his sis would see what he's been through and would be glad to help (he's had a life threatening illness.. We are lucky he's in recovery now, but it still hits us hard) and we NEVER ask anything of her.. Perhaps subconsciously we've known she would say 'no'.

...and bus timetable. That's hurtful. Sounds like my brother actually. That's the sort of thing he'd do

One things for certain, I think DH and SIL need to open up a dialogue to check in on how each other have interpreted this. It may not be a biggy for people, but I think it may be an epiphany moment for both of them

OP, she doesn't need to give you a reason. Maybe she just doesn't want to. Isn't that good enough?

Errrmmm. 'Inconvenience herself hugely for me?' FWIW This weekend is not 'for me'? How is this for me? And I'm not expecting her to dance our tune. FFS. I'm imagining I know my SIL more than you do.

If a member of my family asked me if I could do something for them I would always help them , I don't see it as an inconvenience and if In the very rare event I could not help I would explain why . To just send a no, sorry text I just would not do this to a family member. I can understand why this is hurtful. Yes we all have busy lives. The Op stated that her children stay over rarely, her family have been going through a tough time which the Aunty must know about.
I can't get my head around "dancing to your tune".

Not sure why you asked if yabu when you haven't even remotely listened to any of the responses.
She has every right to say no ams every right to leave it at that.
"How is this for me?" You're expecting free transport to your free childcare. Who else is it for? It certainly isn't for the benefit of your SIL because if it was, toy would have accepted her refusal without word or judgement.