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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunty responsibilities ...she never picks up DCs

225 replies

beegee · 29/10/2014 21:57

We have a lovely Aunty to our 2 DCs (my SIL). She loves them to stay over, although it happens quite rarely. (My eldest is 11yo) - she lives about 45 mins away. I've just noticed that there has never been an occasion she suggests she comes and picks them up. We always take the children there, then drive home, then the next day we drive down there to pick them up, then home again. Of course this is fine, it is just this weekend we are really stretched with time and asked her if she could possibly come on the train and then do the return journey with them (they would love the journey on the train with their Aunty, too) Then we would come to pick them up the next day as usual. We thought she would be fine with this lift share. However, she gave us a flat 'no, sorry', in a text and left it as that.
She has no children of her own, so she's only got herself to consider.
We are just a bit surprised by her rejection of our idea without any explanation it's a flat 'no'. It makes me feel slightly alone tbh.
Perhaps I'm overreacting - very possibly - but I think I'd have no problem doing this if it were my nephew and niece.
Let me know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling miffed. Thanks!

OP posts:
makeminered · 30/10/2014 08:11

I can see where you are coming from. You think she's not doing you a favour. It's a mutually beneficial thing. You need a bit of a change to an arrangement and instead of a normal discussion about it, a curt no, leaves you feeling unsure of the whole ground you are on.

I think a proper discussion is in order. Maybe she does see it as a favour. Maybe she does think she was doing it to help you out. Perhaps she has put herself out when she hasn't particularly wanted to. Perhaps she doesn't realise that you don't actually need her to. Perhaps she was happy to do it in the past but now her feelings have changed but she doesn't feel able to tell you? A talk to see how all parties view things is probably a good idea.

CrashDiveOnMingoCity · 30/10/2014 08:14

You clearly don't want to be challenged. I agree, some posts have been quite cutting but there are no personal attacks and no abuse - not that there should be.

Personally, I think you're overthinking it. If it's such a hardship for you, just decline the weekend visit.m

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 08:16

I meant by family responsibility the giving of help if needed to other family members not having similar responsibility as the parents for young children.

The day my niece was born I was at Uni and I hopped on a coach for an 8 hour return journey to see her. I could not wait. I love being an Aunty. It's a very different relationship than being a parent. The OPs sister in law seems like a great Aunty, it sounds like she loves having her nephews and they love being with her. (She does need to work on her text messaging though)

diddl · 30/10/2014 08:17

It does seem to be a mountain out of a molehill.

You can't get the Kids there so either she collects/you meet halfway/she Comes to you/you rearrange.

But instead your husband & Kids are having a Weekend away.

Which might work out better if you don't Need help to move your dad.

Charley50 · 30/10/2014 08:17

It seems she is doing you a favour because the kids would be in the way if you are helping your dad move house. I think you are stressed with all the stuff going on in your life which has blown her reasonable 'no, sorry' out of proportion for you.

ItsNotEasyBeingGreenAndWarty · 30/10/2014 08:17

OP you seem to have really overthought and over stressed about this. She doesn't have to provide you with a reason, she can't/doesn't want to come to you in order to go straight back home again with your children to her house.

soverylucky · 30/10/2014 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 08:19

Thanks DreamingDiva. Yes, my DH often says I need to toughen up and stop jumping through hoops for others. It's hard to be accused of being selfish (on this thread) when you know you're not that person and, in fact, have others always commenting the very opposite in RL. Quite hard to bare also as all I really want is for my DCs to have a good weekend with their brilliant Aunt.. I'm just surprised there was no comment attached to the straight 'no' when my DH asked if she could pick them up on this one occasion.

I love being an aunt and have no worries going to help/pick up my nieces and nephews if asked. If it's not convenient I would explain why!

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 30/10/2014 08:22

I've often noticed that on here and similar forums, much more than in real life, people believe it is absolutely unreasonable and "entitled" to expect anyone, ever, to be willing to help you out, be that financially, in terms of time, etc etc. As if we all have responsibilities only to ourselves, children and partners, and everyone else has to bloody well fend for themselves.
Where I live, people call on friends and neighbours to help them out when needed with transporting the kids etc etc, let alone close family members. And you would be looked at a bit askance if you said no because you just couldn't be bothered and didn't think you had any responsibility to help anyone else, ever.
For what it's worth, OP, I believe my db has "responsibilities" towards my dd (and yes, he is child free, by choice, but he loves her and me so why wouldn't he have responsibilities to help her when he can. Just as I feel responsibility to help him and his partner when needed, and have done on numerous occasions). I don't think you were unreasonable to ask her to do this as a one off, or to be a bit insulted by the curt nature of her refusal - what would it have cost her to soften it a bit - " sorry can't help, it's just not convenient today. Can't wait to see the dc though!" Or something.

PoppyAmex · 30/10/2014 08:24

"You clearly don't want to be challenged."

Yep. Another case of:

  • IABU?
  • Yes.
  • No, I'm not because you don't know all the details. So there.
UptheChimney · 30/10/2014 08:25

Maybe she was busy? Maybe she doesn't like texting? I don't. I'd prefer people to telephone or email.

You really seem to expect other people to behave in the way you think they should behave that is, like you.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 08:25

Charley50..
We are helping him to move house over a number of weekends.. Not just this. Yes, this thread has become all consuming! Need to get on in RL. I'm not really over thinking it anymore, other than all the posts that keep popping up now! Feel like we've got it sorted. DH is really happy to go be with his sis, and he will check in with her that he hopes she's ok because of original curt response..

OP posts:
PoppyAmex · 30/10/2014 08:26

"I'm just surprised there was no comment attached to the straight 'no' when my DH asked if she could pick them up on this one occasion."

She said "No, sorry". That's a normal answer in polite society.

Why are you refusing to accept this?

ilovesooty · 30/10/2014 08:27

Good grief. What a lot of extra information to justify your stance of nbu.
The more you post the more I think you're overreacting and I really am not surprised your SIL doesn't want to justify her inability to meet your rather extensive needs, which seem to include your husband's emotional needs.

diddl · 30/10/2014 08:27

I thought that she put "no, sorry", not just "no"?

Sounds as though your husband Needs to toughen up as well!

You are going through stuff atm though -sorry to hear about your dad.

OraProNobis · 30/10/2014 08:27

But nobody is under obligation to explain anything! This is precisely why people get so pressured and maybe feel they need to tell small lies - if they could just say 'No' and be assured that that would be sufficient wouldn't life be so much easier. We don't feel we have to give an explanation with 'Yes' so why with 'No'? Doesn't make sense to me. You don't say 'No' unless the answer is very much 'NO' and you have a good reason for saying it. Why do you think she needs to give an explanation and if she did would you scrutinise it for acceptability?

signin · 30/10/2014 08:30

yanbu , my sil used to want my 2 dc to stay she was a 45 min car journey away as well , i never asked her to have them , she asked me , she used to pick them up from me , and i collected them the next day , if she asked me to do both trips to see them i would say no , i didnt see it as a favour to me when she had them so didnt feel i should do both trips .

makeminered · 30/10/2014 08:32

I think it is more complex than that. It's pretty normal in most discussions with people who you are in a close relationship with, for there to be more information than no. So whilst no is ok in theory, its strange and would take me aback, unless that person usually communicated like that.

londonrach · 30/10/2014 08:32

Glad it sorted beegee. Been a lurker on this as im an aunt no own dc. (I live in hope) My dsis or my dbil and i would have discussed arrangements by phone and agreed to something that suits all, depending on work etc. The short text could be because your dsil was busy at the time and felt you needed a quick answer or shes not good at txt. Only you know that. I do think yabu from your original op. But sounds like this post has helped your dh if he going to see his dsis. Hope your children have a lovely weekend with your dsil. X

ilovesooty · 30/10/2014 08:33

Classic aibu in that the OP refuses to accept she's unreasonable, chucks in a load of additional information and offers profuse thanks to the few who agree with her.
I sometimes wonder if people like this are such hard work in real life.
As someone else said, I'd love to hear the SIL 's side of this.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 08:34

Thanks lovelydiscusfish - yes, softening it a bit would have cost nothing. I suppose that was the shock. It would be different if we were always leaning on her or something. Or we had asked her to looks after DCs and then expected her to pick up.
PoppyAmex - all the details come out as the whole picture is thought through. It's not because these sorts of threads are being deliberately evasive.
Upthe Chimney - indeed. Although they are always text each other - usually humorous and detailed catch up texts too, so this was un-characteristic.

OP posts:
youarewinning · 30/10/2014 08:37

I was one of the first to say YABU. However from your further explanations I can see why your miffed.
If someone asked to spend time with my DS and I said yes but I couldn't do drop off so could they manage it and they said no, I'd rearrange. So although your SIL is not BU to say no, if she's asked for this weekend and it's not for you, then you not bu to say no either.
However, it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and this weekend is mutually helpful for you as well as being what she wants. So I think you'll just have to accept she won't do train journey.

FWIW I think sometimes people offer to have your children because they enjoy your company but also at the same time see it as child are, break, respite for you too. It's easy for them to forget it is.... As long as it doesn't massively inconvenience you too at the same time!!!

Hope the move goes well and your dad and DH are better soon.

Nanadookdookdook · 30/10/2014 08:40

The problem is probably you beegee taking an innocent comment personally.

You have low self confidence so asking a favour is difficult, as you feel you might be putting on someone, being a nuisance.

So the innocent response 'No' is seen as proof that you have put upon DSIL or annoyed her or asked too much.

When in fact the short response might have been because she was answering the door/ speaking on the house phone at the same time/ driving? /on the loo and 'busy' / any other reason.

Might this be it?

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 08:50

Thanks for support on my dad situation. And my DH. He's a great man. Very lucky. Life is tough at the mo, but many other things to be happy/grateful about, so keeping strong.

Yes, it's probably now become my most over thought public moment to go down in my MN history. Blush But, I'm really feeling ok now as we can see a way to sort it. But it has opened up an interesting discussion on family, I suppose

OP posts:
WanttogotoDisney · 30/10/2014 08:53

Good grief! Assuming you are not in another time zone, you have been up all night posting because your SIL sent a 'no' text message to your DH. Big bloody deal. You need to get a grip and some sleep and get things into perspective. You say your DF is seriously ill. How about you focus on what's important rather than being so petty. There could be a multitude of reasons why your SIL did not explain herself.

'Aunties' don't have responsibilities. YABVVVU.