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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunty responsibilities ...she never picks up DCs

225 replies

beegee · 29/10/2014 21:57

We have a lovely Aunty to our 2 DCs (my SIL). She loves them to stay over, although it happens quite rarely. (My eldest is 11yo) - she lives about 45 mins away. I've just noticed that there has never been an occasion she suggests she comes and picks them up. We always take the children there, then drive home, then the next day we drive down there to pick them up, then home again. Of course this is fine, it is just this weekend we are really stretched with time and asked her if she could possibly come on the train and then do the return journey with them (they would love the journey on the train with their Aunty, too) Then we would come to pick them up the next day as usual. We thought she would be fine with this lift share. However, she gave us a flat 'no, sorry', in a text and left it as that.
She has no children of her own, so she's only got herself to consider.
We are just a bit surprised by her rejection of our idea without any explanation it's a flat 'no'. It makes me feel slightly alone tbh.
Perhaps I'm overreacting - very possibly - but I think I'd have no problem doing this if it were my nephew and niece.
Let me know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling miffed. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 07:28

Thanks Nanadoo - yes, I expect she just has no idea...I wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable doing anything she wasn't happy doing. I just felt somewhat sorry for DH, I suppose, as he sees me and my family (on the most part) come together to solve a problem quickly without worry about whose turn it is, etc.. Just spoken to DH and he's told me not to worry, he will take them by train and stay there too so he can catch up with his sister properly. Means our weekend has to change but I already feel better knowing he's ok with this.
KatieKaye - all 11yo are different.. Are you really trying to accuse me of being a particular parent? I haven't a problem with introducing independence to my DS. I don't feel the need to explain my RL situation any further to you, other than I'm confident I know my DS better than you do

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 30/10/2014 07:29

I wouldn't put dc on a train alone either if I felt the responsibility would be too much for the eldest.

However, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect you sil to take an extra couple of hours out of her day to collect them. If you think dc would like the train why don't you take them on it to sil.

I do think you and dh are overthinking this.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/10/2014 07:30

I would absolutely love to hear the SIL's side of this. Let's hope she reads this thread.

"Aunty responsibilities" - what a load of tripe.

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 07:38

Replace "Aunty responsibilities" with "Family responsibilities"
Is that a load of tripe?

UptheChimney · 30/10/2014 07:41

You OP is the very definition of 'entitled' -- the only glimmer of reasonableness is your suggestion that you might be 'very possibly' overreacting.

Possibly? The rest of your responses show that you really don't want to consider any other point of view than your own.

Flip the situation -- maybe your SiL is aware of your attitude that, as she doesn't have children she has "only herself" to consider. If a member of my family thought that about me if I didn't have children, too bloody right I'd not go out of my way to help her.

I suspect that she knows how little you think of her and is responding appropriately.

Camolips · 30/10/2014 07:42

Have they been by train before? If not I suppose I can see why you are not keen for them to go on their own. If DH takes them this time and shows them how easy it is maybe in the future they would see it as an adventure to go on their own. And it would save you having to take them every time.

mimishimmi · 30/10/2014 07:43

If the aunty asked to have her DN's over without you hinting, then YANBU. However, if she's doing as a favour to you because you asked or heavily hinted, then you're really taking the piss. The fact she's childless has nothing to do with it, you're making demands on her time for your choices. And the reverse is also true if she asked them over of her own accord.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 07:46

No, not been on a train before on their own. Wouldn't want my 11yo to be responsible for 8yo, it would def make him anxious. My 8yo would love the challenge, frankly! But yes, my DH looking forward to showing them the ropes of train journey.

OP posts:
whatshallwedo · 30/10/2014 07:50

Surely only the parents have responsibilities towards their dc's not their wider family? Ot would be nice of family to take them out or have them to stay once in a while but to me suggesting that they have family responsibilities sounds very entitled.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 07:51

I don't think little of my SIL - and certainly not because she doesn't have children. I worded it insensitively in the OP and I regret the way it sounds. I was meaning (and I said this earlier) that she doesn't have LOs of her own with regards to travelling, so there wouldn't be extra children to worry about on the train. (Regrets original wording Confused )

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 30/10/2014 07:51

I know OP described her DH as generous. But in this situation both of them are only thinking of themselves and what is convenient for them. That us not generous.
They have a responsibility to their DC. SIL does not, she is offering a treat .
OP either takes them as she won't let them go on the train or she tells them she can't be bothered going over to aunties. It's her decision.

diddl · 30/10/2014 07:51

So you were pushed for time but now your husband & Kids are going away for the Weekend??

Could SIL not have come to you, or at a last Resort rearrange even though the Kids would be disappointed?

ThatBloodyWoman · 30/10/2014 07:52

YABU.
My Dsis had her dc's young, and I had barely anything to do with them -kids just weren't on my radar.
Kids weren't on my radar, or any parenting issues, until I was in my 30's tbh, and I never saw being an aunt as a role with attached responsibilities.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 07:53

Mimishimmi - it was completely her suggestion. No hinting from us. We love the DCs staying with her as they adore her, and she them. She loves being an Aunty

OP posts:
Missunreasonable · 30/10/2014 07:55

OP: Can we swap inlaws? Mine haven't looked after my children for even 5 mins ever and my eldest is a teenager. I would drive wherever is required to drop my children at the inlaws so they could spend time with them. I feel very jealous that your family is so close (even though SIL won't collect them). Envy

duchesse · 30/10/2014 07:55

OP, YABU. They're not her children, she's either chosen not to or by chance does not have children. No reason for her to go around considering them at all. She has no need to do any parenting, she's not a parent. That's her choice and her life and you need to respect that and be happy if she chooses to spend any time at all with your kids.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 07:56

Diddl : we are pushed for time coz I'm helping my Dad move house.. He's got cancer so is very ill - my DH was helping with that. But, now he's spending it with his sister and the DCs. We couldn't possibly host this weekend. But we regularly host, no question

OP posts:
sandgrown · 30/10/2014 07:56

As an eighteen year old auntie I twice did a three hour journey to collect niece and nephew because SIL was having a breakdown. They came to.live with me and my parents for long periods as DB was in the forces. They are like a younger brother and sister to me and even now they are adults we remain close. They are family and I treat them like my own even though I have my own kids now

Chippednailvarnish · 30/10/2014 07:56

Surely only the parents have responsibilities towards their dc's not their wider family?

Exactly.

DreamingDiva34 · 30/10/2014 07:57

I don't think Yabu. I remember when I was younger and my niece was born, when my sister asked me to babysit she would collect me or pay for the taxi or bus to get me down to hers (I was teenager and too young to drive)...on the other hand when I was older and moved into my own place I would regularly ask if I could have my niece to stay, as far as I was concerned it was then my responsibility to go and collect her then bring her back to my house on public transport because I couldn't drive. Even when my sister offered to drop or have her dropped to me I said it's okay don't put yourself out...Why should my sister or BIL have been inconvenienced because of me?
I wasn't doing them the favour, yes I'm sure they enjoyed the time child free and made the most of it but actually they didn't have to say yes or facilitate the contact I had asked to have with their child.
My immediate reaction when I read your op was if you have asked her to have them then yes yabu, if she has asked to have them then YANBU.
If it was a none resident parent asking for the op to facilitate getting the children to him and back for his contact time I don't think people would be quite as quick to say op's unreasonable, or selfish or any of the other things she has been called on this thread. To me facilitating the contact for the aunt is no different, your being good enough to give up your children for the weekend, why should you jump through hoops to do it?
I also know what it feels like to have a family that do not help if it inconveniences them but are happy to ask for and accept your help despite whatever you have had to change to do it (mine and my oh's family are like this to an extent). You need to be a bit tougher and willing to to things that you are not going to resent doing at a later date. It's not second nature to do that, if your like me you hear of someone needing help and are already planning what things your rearranging, how you will facilitate it etc, it can be done though. I still help a lot when asked but the days of me dragging my two children all over and cancelling my plans to do so are long gone and I feel much more better for it.

KatieKaye · 30/10/2014 08:02

If your DC are invited to a party do you expect the host to come over and pick them up?
SIL has her own life . She sounds lovely . She also sounds hacked off and it's not hard to guess why.

diddl · 30/10/2014 08:02

I also don't think that there was anything wrong with asking since she wants to see them.

It's a shame that you couldn't have met half way.

Do you really "host" your SIL?

Seems to me that it would have been ideal for her to be at yours with them so that you & your husband could get on with moving your dad.

Or take them early so that there's time to get back & do the moving.

UptheChimney · 30/10/2014 08:03

I worded it insensitively in the OP and I regret the way it sounds

People often give themselves away in their first thoughts/expressions.

mimishimmi · 30/10/2014 08:04

If I asked to have my DN's over (not that SiL would probably ever let me but let me not go into that) I'd happily go to pick them up if brother/SiL didn't want to. It would be nice if they'd meet me halfway but I'd see it as my responsibilty since I invited them.

Redhead11 · 30/10/2014 08:09

Aunty doesn't have any responsibilities towards your kids. Maybe when she asked if she could have them this weekend, and it wasn't convenient for you, you could have said... no, sorry. Gosh, did that ever occur to you? I don't think replying 'no, sorry' is rude. Just 'no' on its own perhaps, but adding the sorry, to my mind at least, indicates that SIL has not done this just to be awkward, as you appear to think, but that there is a reason why she can't do it and frankly that reason is none of your business.

I have put an 11 year old on a train alone. She was put on the train in a seat, given a timetable so that she could follow all the stops along the way and was collected at the other end. She had never done that before, but felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment, despite her nerves and worries initially.

YABVU and the more you protest, the more U you sound.