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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunty responsibilities ...she never picks up DCs

225 replies

beegee · 29/10/2014 21:57

We have a lovely Aunty to our 2 DCs (my SIL). She loves them to stay over, although it happens quite rarely. (My eldest is 11yo) - she lives about 45 mins away. I've just noticed that there has never been an occasion she suggests she comes and picks them up. We always take the children there, then drive home, then the next day we drive down there to pick them up, then home again. Of course this is fine, it is just this weekend we are really stretched with time and asked her if she could possibly come on the train and then do the return journey with them (they would love the journey on the train with their Aunty, too) Then we would come to pick them up the next day as usual. We thought she would be fine with this lift share. However, she gave us a flat 'no, sorry', in a text and left it as that.
She has no children of her own, so she's only got herself to consider.
We are just a bit surprised by her rejection of our idea without any explanation it's a flat 'no'. It makes me feel slightly alone tbh.
Perhaps I'm overreacting - very possibly - but I think I'd have no problem doing this if it were my nephew and niece.
Let me know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling miffed. Thanks!

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 29/10/2014 22:43

You're feeling miffed? If I was your sil I would be miffed at the fact that you think I have responsibility for your children and should pay for public transport so I can look after them for you.

Flipping heck, have a sense of entitlement do we?

She's the kids auntie, not a non resident parent!!!

enWoooquethesythebearingwizard · 29/10/2014 22:43

Never heard of anyone gaining 'responsibilities' because a sibling decided to have children Hmm
Must be a reverse.

HowDidThatWorkOut · 29/10/2014 22:43

Surely It must be a reverse Confused

WineWineWine · 29/10/2014 22:45

It really depends on how many hours you are paying her for and what expenses package you are offering!!
What? She's an aunty? Doing it out of the goodness of her heart?
You are being incredibly ungrateful.

rollonthesummer · 29/10/2014 22:46

What piffle.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 29/10/2014 22:46

I don't get why people do a reverse. Is it really as common as MN makes out?

SoonToBeSix · 29/10/2014 22:47

Reverses are irritating especially because as the Aunty op you know yanbu. You are however annoying!

Brummiegirl15 · 29/10/2014 22:48

I'm afraid it's attitudes like yours op that really do wind me up about some parents. That because someone is childless they are selfish or don't understand. "She only has herself to consider"

That sentence alone....

SistersOfHearsey · 29/10/2014 22:48

I grew up in a huge family with mum being one of seven children and dad one of five. I had aunts and uncles coming out of my ears and some to spare. Don't recall ever having any of them pick me up and if I went out with them for the day I was dropped off there with thanks, sandwiches and a small amount of money.
Yabu.

EverythingCounts · 29/10/2014 22:50

Seriously, was this kind of pile-on necessary? Hmm

OK, looks like it's my day to be disagreeing with people... I don't think OP is unreasonable for asking. As has been pointed out repeatedly, the aunty is under no obligation to have the kids, so presumably she likes them and gets pleasure out of them coming to stay - why should it be a major problem to pick them up once in a while? I like being with my godchildren and I will happily pick them up now and again. The OP hasn't suggested the aunty does all the travelling or even the lion's share, she's asked once because of time pressures. Of course the SIL is still perfectly entitled to say no but it's not cheeky even to dare to ask, unless the kids are a complete ordeal to spend any time with, which it doesn't sound like they are.

Interesting how different a response this would have got if it was, say, ILs or a good friend who expected the OP to travel to them every time and never offered to come and visit. Give and take in most situations is considered to be a good thing, except in particular MN childcare scenarios where apparently as a parent you can never ask anything of of anyone, even pretty simple requests you might previously have made of the same people, as friends or relatives, before you had a child.

Amy106 · 29/10/2014 22:51

Sorry but an aunt do not have any "responsibilities" to your children. If they are kind enough to volunteer their time, your response really should be thankful not miffed. Or is this a reverse?

makeminered · 29/10/2014 22:51

No responsibilities for aunties. They do favours which need to be appreciated. but I would be a bit upset if this was only a one off but I would realise that iabu

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 29/10/2014 22:53

Really?You think it's perfectly normal and acceptable for the free childcare (who doesn't have them often,which reads as 'I wish she'd take them more') to have to pay for trains to come and collect your child she will be looking after? Really? And with an op who thinks the aunt has a responsibility to do so?!

championnibbler · 29/10/2014 22:55

YABU. They're your kids and ultimately your responsibility.

Parenthood is like the Foreign Legion - if you sign up, then I'm afraid you have to soldier on.

WalkingInMemphis · 29/10/2014 22:56

The op is potentially not bu though and I hope she comes back and clarifies.

Dh's sister is brilliant with the dc, she loves them, they love her. She asks to have them frequently but unfortunately lives 70 miles away so it's not a quick 'nip' over there.

They generally go and stay with her for one weekend a month (at her request). A few months back though one of our cars broke down. I needed the other for work so there was no way for us to drive them there. I phoned SIL and explained, which caused much huffing from her. So I said that she was welcome to come and get them but we just couldn't drop them off.

She went mental, you'd have thought I'd asked her to cut her arms off and feed them to the dc for dinner.

She made a few references to how much she 'helped us out' and provided 'childcare' it took every ounce of strength not to shout that we let her have the dc for her because she was always going on about it, not as a favour to us at all.

It may not be that the Aunt is 'helping' at all, just asking and asking to have them.

enWoooquethesythebearingwizard · 29/10/2014 22:57

It's not only the flat No answer, it's the fact that the OP is upset to hear No without qualification, which is what MN always recommends when something doesn't suit.

How did you put your request OP did you ring and speak to her, email or text?

DeWee · 29/10/2014 22:59

I don't think anyone is saying that it was unreasonable to ask as a one off.
However it is unreasonable to be miffed at being told "no" and to think aunts have responsibilities and should do half the lifts.

I'm not sure it's a reverse. I know someone who is as entitled as that. In fact if this was a few years ago I would suspect you were my bil. He phoned up at the last minute because he wanted me to have his dses all day. He then told me he expected me to drive over and pick them up (30 minutes either way)at 9am, deliver them back for 11 so they could sleep in their own cots, take them back to my home after lunch at about 1:30 and deliver them back for 5:30 for dinner. None of these timings were shiftable.
This was with my 3dc, one of whom was an ill toddler, and would involve getting other people to pick up my dc at school, one of my dc missing an after school club and me not doing something I was committed to. I used the complete sentence "no" and he was clearly miffed.

I'll also note he has never offered to have any of my dc at any point-he had 10 years to do this before his dc were born and has had several years since...

RandomFriend · 29/10/2014 22:59

YABU. She is nice to have your children to stay.

As for the short text, does she normally do long texts? If not, then she was probably trying to answer you quickly and politely.

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 23:03

YABU.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 29/10/2014 23:09

YABU.

My dsis doesn't have her own children but that doesn't mean I expect her to be at my beck and call either.

Discopanda · 29/10/2014 23:13

As someone who relies on their SIL a lot for help with DD and emotional support, YABU. She doesn't have any obligation and she's helping enough by looking after them. Hope you don't get too much of a MN roasting but just appreciate what she does do for you.

EustaciaBenson · 29/10/2014 23:37

YANBU to ask her to do this as a one off, it rather a lot to ask that she pays for a return ticket though, you could perhaps have offered to pay for it although we dont know her financial situation

You are however being very very unreasonable in implying she said no because shes selfish because she has no children of her own. Ultimately they are your children, your responsibility and if its inconvenient to take them over it woukd be best to suggest rearranging to a different date

MrsJuice · 29/10/2014 23:48

My Sister never has my DCs overnight. Her choice to not have children, and I'd never expect her to!
I know she'd drop everything in an emergency - she has a fab relationship with them.
I don't see her as having 'responsibilities' to have them at all though.
This is very odd!

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/10/2014 23:51

YABVU, obviously.

antimatter · 30/10/2014 00:12

OP makes a lot of assumptions about her SIL's availability. Assumption that someone has extra 1-2 hours spare to spend on a weekend at a drop of a hat ....

If you ask a question NO as an answer is as likely as YES Grin