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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunty responsibilities ...she never picks up DCs

225 replies

beegee · 29/10/2014 21:57

We have a lovely Aunty to our 2 DCs (my SIL). She loves them to stay over, although it happens quite rarely. (My eldest is 11yo) - she lives about 45 mins away. I've just noticed that there has never been an occasion she suggests she comes and picks them up. We always take the children there, then drive home, then the next day we drive down there to pick them up, then home again. Of course this is fine, it is just this weekend we are really stretched with time and asked her if she could possibly come on the train and then do the return journey with them (they would love the journey on the train with their Aunty, too) Then we would come to pick them up the next day as usual. We thought she would be fine with this lift share. However, she gave us a flat 'no, sorry', in a text and left it as that.
She has no children of her own, so she's only got herself to consider.
We are just a bit surprised by her rejection of our idea without any explanation it's a flat 'no'. It makes me feel slightly alone tbh.
Perhaps I'm overreacting - very possibly - but I think I'd have no problem doing this if it were my nephew and niece.
Let me know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling miffed. Thanks!

OP posts:
Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 05:29

"maybe she just does not want to isn't that good enough?"

Not for me. I would rather know this was not the case and that there was
another explanation.

googoodolly · 30/10/2014 05:31

But why should SIL have to give an explanation? Would it make you feel better if she lied and said "oh, I have a hair appointment" or whatever, just so you had an explanation, even if it's not true?

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 05:33

The Aunty knows about the tough time. Very much..
It's her request to see the DCs. She loves hanging out with them, they are great company and not a burden. And she sees it like that too
We could do without it this weekend, but we don't want to disappoint the DCs
We have never (in 11 yrs) asked for this before - even during REALLY hard moments
It's easy to accuse me of not listening to the answers. I am. It is helping focus my argument actually. It's helping me to justify my uneasy feeling as my DH came home from work with her response.
I would completely understand if there had been a 'no, sorry... Got so much on this end' etc ANYTHING. But, a flat no was meant to be something else, whether you think you know my circumstances better than me, is another question.

OP posts:
Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 05:38

I've also learnt that some discussions on MN are just not for me... I can and want to be challenged. But the judgemental tone of some of the posts is just a waste of everyone's time

OP posts:
Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 05:45

...also wanted to thank Antiopa12 for empathising with this situation Thanks

OP posts:
Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 05:48

I have given hours of unpaid professional help to my brother in a crisis and helped his family in other ways. I would help him again when needed but when I get another request to help him in any way in the future I will try not to dwell on the bus timetable text, or send him a list of professional fees or just say no without an explanation.The OP describes her DH as generous, it hurts when you are a giving person . I can understand the feeling of rejection when in the rare occasion you ask for help you get a slap in the face back because that is what it feels like especially when you have been through tough times and you yourself would always help your family member if requested.

It is not about people having their own lives it is about supporting family members.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 05:56

EXACTLY! He is such a giving person. I'm lucky to have the DH I have. He's a keeper. And he has been there (above and beyond) for all his family over the years. It's when a small, incidental moment happens like this it throws it in to perspective. Fundamentally - we believe in being supportive to family members. It's not about who the children 'belong' to. That makes it sound like we want to duck away from being parents. Absolutely NOT. She is being controversial by giving no explanation. Simple as that. And during the course of the thread, I have been able to begin to see that. Now, how do I tell DH I've been up half the night mulling it over? He won't be happy! Hmm

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 30/10/2014 06:10

I'm not expecting her to dance our tune

But you are. How can you not see that? You have asked someone who is already doing you a favour to then massively put themselves out and then get upset when she declines. That's your problem in a nutshell - you can only think of the impact on yourself.

If the train journey is such a small thing, then why not put your kids on at your end and she can pick them up at hers? Why don't you even consider this perfectly reasonable option? 11 and 8 - short train journey - problem solved.

For all the talk about being supportive and having great relationships - this is al one-sided because you see it only from your point of view and ignore hers. Your DH feels isolated because she is his only family nearby - well, the same is true for SIL, only multiplied because she has no children.

Your SIL is not being controversial at all by saying "no". You were BVU to ask and are compounding the situation by refusing to even attempt to see any point of view except your own. That is probably why she texted "no" - because she didn't want to get into a discussion. Which is her absolute right. No discussion required.

You are blowing all this up massively. Again it is all about you and not being able sleep. No thought for the awkward situation you and DH have put poor SIL in. Don't be surprised when she begins to pull away.

Camolips · 30/10/2014 06:14

You say your DH was at work so sil may also have been in the middle of something but thought it polite to reply straight away but didn't have time for a long-winded text.
I would just explain to your dcs and sil that the weekend isn't happening because of timings.

Camolips · 30/10/2014 06:17

That's a really good suggestion about putting them on the train and being met at the other end. Makes much more sense than the double journey.

KatieKaye · 30/10/2014 06:19

"maybe she just does not want to isn't that good enough?"

Not for me. I would rather know this was not the case and that there was
another explanation.

And maybe SIL would rather not enter into a discussion with people who only think about themselves because she knows they are unreasonable?

SIL had every right to decline and to do so in a way that made it clear she was not going to engage any further. OP should be asking herself why SIL felt she had to do this - and the reason is simple - the request was selfish.

The fact that so many people thought this was a reverse AIBU says it all.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/10/2014 06:19

It's all very well being a giving person. But it's not reasonable to just have this arbitrary expectation of what someone else should do. Maybe you have different definitions of the word giving.
She has a right to say no and not give an explanation.

KatieKaye · 30/10/2014 06:20

Thanks, Camlips.

I suggested it last night but OP has ignored it.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 06:33

I don't want to put them on a train by themselves. They've been through a lot recently and my DS would become too anxious with the responsibility.

OP posts:
Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 06:37

Yes everyone has the right to say no. We all have busy lives.
But to text No without an explanation is hurtful, how is that good practice and conducive to maintaining good personal relationships?
work colleague "Can you help me with this? "
Me "No"

Me to DH " Can you help me make the dinner?"
DH "No"

No explanation needed for either?

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 06:38

...and what do you mean by she is 'doing us a favour'? I love the weekends with my DCs. I have local, very supportive family for babysitting services, if that's what you mean? You presume to know much about my RL (and my SIL) I like my SIL very much, by the way. I think she has issues with my DH and that is possibly what's going on

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/10/2014 06:41

No because helping you with dinner is something that your dh can reasonably be expected to do and should do. The same can't be said in this situation.

Original poster
beegee · 30/10/2014 06:49

...even if she has suggested the weekend herself? It's her planning to have them... We always run our children to hers - no problem - and if we had to cancel the weekend, I would explain my 'no' it can not happen because xxxx reason... Not just, 'it's not happening... No explanation needed'. Hmm

OP posts:
Nanadookdookdook · 30/10/2014 06:53

Usually adults without DCs are utterly clueless at how hectic life with DCs is.

I suspect she either feels she is doing you a favour by having the DCs but cba to pick them up or drop them. Or she likes making your DH trail around the country and show gratitude to her (because she doesn't care for him) - but I would say the first option.

Shame you didn't just say sorry we've too much on this weekend but thanks for your kind offer.

You'll know next time.

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 06:53

Guybrush so this comes down to what family members including sisters brothers aunts uncles grandparents etc can be reasonably expected to do and the manner in which they give their response

toriap2 · 30/10/2014 06:57

Did you offer to pay the train fares or were you expecting your SIL to pay for the privilege of looking after your children? Maybe she doesn't have the disposable income to pay for tickets plus other travelling expenses, plus entertaining your kids for a weekend.

KatieKaye · 30/10/2014 07:04

I don't want to put them on a train by themselves.

You are being very, very unreasonable. A short train journey is no big deal at all for an 11 year old, who is put on at one end and collected at the other. And he should be getting used to doing things like this.

It's a perfect solution but you don't even want to consider it. No, you would rather put your SIL out!

I think she has issues with my DH and that is possibly what's going on. I think you have issues with overstepping boundaries, refusing to see any point of view except your own and taking advantage of people, hence SIL's refusal to engage with your games.

You aren't going to get your way, so you have the choice of taking your children or telling them you can't be bothered. It's your choice. You love being with them - well this way you get to be with them on the journey to SILs.

musicalendorphins2 · 30/10/2014 07:23

Doesn't mumsnet say that "No" is a complete sentence? Wink
I have to say, I would not want to take the train there and back with the kids, but I am probably much older and not as healthy as your sil. I would be exhausted and not be much fun for the kids. Is there any chance your sil is not feeling her best?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 30/10/2014 07:25

Maybe your SIL needs that time to get ready for your dcs' visit?

I think you have to remember that it's your choice to do things to help other people. If you're not happy about the balance, you can choose to do less for them but it's not really very reasonable to say well now you have to do more for me in return.

Antiopa12 · 30/10/2014 07:28

You are being a bit harsh Katiekaye

"People who only think about themselves"
The OP has described her DH as very generous person who goes above and beyond for his family

She is not "entitled" The Aunty requested that the DCs visit they are not being dumped on her.
Fior the first time because of circumstances the DH asks if the Aunty could pick the kids up by train. It was a request that received a curt NO without any explanation. When a person goes above and beyond for his family (and this will include his sister) this will hurt a bit. It is understandable if it is not possible for Aunty to agree to the train but not understandable just to say NO without an explanation.
It would not put my 8 year old and 11 year old on the train together , the 11 year old maybe at a stretch but not the younger child ( and I know many mumsnetters have no doubt jetted half way round the world alone at that age)