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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person Hmm

OP posts:
AppleSnapple · 29/10/2014 12:52

Everyone on here usually says no, don't tell them, it's not your place to. I haven't been in this position thankfully but if it were me I would want to know, 100%. Why would you not?! I would be careful not to be sensitive though, insofar as this poor unsuspecting chap is as innocent in it all as you are.

Sorry you're in this predicament, hope you're ok.

squoosh · 29/10/2014 12:52

Are you still with your husband? If so, direct your ire at him.

If you've ditched your husband then go ahead and press send.

calculatorsatdawn · 29/10/2014 12:53

I don't think you have a duty to but if the boot were on the other foot would you want him to tell you? (I certainly would).

Keep it factual, don't say anything inflammatory. That way the effect is the same (ie he knows) but you are still the bigger person for not mud slinging.

pluCaChange · 29/10/2014 12:56

Just make sure that it is a medium which sends messages through straight away. Facebook puts messages from non-"friends" into an "Other" folder that people rarely, if ever, check.

If you have decided to send the message, it would be a shame for you to be frustrated in your aim.

Leeds2 · 29/10/2014 12:57

My friend got an anonymous letter telling her that her DH was having an affair. She confronted him, and he confessed. She said she was glad, if glad is the right word, to have been told.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 12:57

Christ, by text?

Have some compassion and at least speak to the man if you're going to turn his world upside down.

cherrybombxo · 29/10/2014 12:58

Personally, I would want to know. I'd sent it but, as above, be succinct and don't get personal or nasty.

HamishBamish · 29/10/2014 12:58

I was in a similar situation a long time ago and it was my boyfriend, not my husband. I ran into her and her fiancé (by accident, not design!) and the sheer look of terror on her face put me off saying anything. I don't know what happened with their relationship, but I do feel a bit guilty that her fiancé didn't know.

JeanSeberg · 29/10/2014 12:59

Does he know who you are?

Hurr1cane · 29/10/2014 13:02

Oh I don't know. I would want to know. It's horrible being the only one who doesn't know about an affair

Jackie0 · 29/10/2014 13:04

I wouldn't.
I understand completely why you want to but I don't think you've anything to gain from it, other than a short lived feeling of revenge.
You don't know ( I assume) what the dynamics of their relationship are. You don't know what this man has in his head or heart. For example, what if he assaulted her?
What if he took an overdose ?
I know I'm being dramatic but you never know, and for what ?
You must have been through hell, I can't even imagine.

Original poster
SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 13:08

No he doesn't know me, he does know my DH though.

DH and I have been on and off since I found out and I really don't think we will stay together.

Your comments are all really good, it was a pretty neutral note but there is one line I will delete as it was a bit catty and your right, I don't want to be nasty, just informative.

Thanks so much.

OP posts:
Meechimoo · 29/10/2014 13:19

press send.
This is her karma.
And he should know.

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 29/10/2014 13:32

Sent it. Why should these people get away with their cheating and fucking people over. And give the poor guy the chance to make a fully informed decision as to whether he wants to continue a relationship with a lying cheat or not.

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 29/10/2014 13:32

*send

2minsofyourtime · 29/10/2014 13:34

I would want to know. He deserves to know

Milchardo · 29/10/2014 13:36

Probably not the correct advice, but I would send a succinct message as well. If it were me, I'd be devastated by the news but ultimately I'd want to know.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 29/10/2014 13:38

Hell yes. I'd send an unemotional, factual message. Every time.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 13:39

What is it with Mumsnet and sending messages?

Does nobody speak to anyone any more?

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 13:40

Send it. I can't believe you have waited so long tbh.

Keep it clear and concise.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 13:41

I would definitely send it. Press send and be done with it.

squoosh · 29/10/2014 13:42

To be honest I think I'd rather receive a factual email/letter than have a stranger tell me face to face that their partner and my partner had been shagging.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 13:42

worral I'd send a text as it would be a very emotional phone call for me. Keeping it in written form lets you control the information.

I don't think I could be cool headed on this one.

sillymillyb · 29/10/2014 13:44

I'd rather revive a message than be told face to face / on phone too. My reaction to that news would be private. I wouldn't want anyone else to be privy to it if you see what I mean?

JustAShopGirl · 29/10/2014 13:46

nope... I would not send either.

You affect other people's lives in ways you do not even comprehend when you send information like this - what if he DID commit suicide? What if he did kill her ... and him? what if he got drunk and crashed his car into a bunch of school kids? He may know already, may be trying to keep his head in the sand, hoping things will blow over? maybe he gets his kicks that way?

Why take on the responsibility for creating someone else's angst.