To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

[SassyOlaf]

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

Davsmum - the humiliation is obviously because out of the four people involved he is the only one not to know the truth. So he's not only being cheated on, he's also the only party ignorant of what is going on. There are probably other people who also know what is going on. The humiliation is because of the lack of knowledge, not the cheating per se. It does not take any great amount of empathy to realise this.
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How can you be humiliated if you don't know anything? Surely, any 'humiliation' will come as a result of the 'kind' person who decides you HAVE to know? So you are not so much bothered about a partner cheating,..more bothered about 'Who knew'? and that they may feel pity for you,..or think it reflects on you?
I doubt the affair would have been a plot against you,..It is about them not you!
And,..No - I am not taking this personally - It is those of you who would feel humiliated are who takes everything personally.
Nomama says the BFs response is irrelevant,..Seems to me some of you think HE is irrelevant because you have absolutely no real concern for him at all,..Just the selfish need to spread a poison.

I find it very interesting that people are telling the OP to keep schtum and not say anything to the other cheated-on spouse.

And go on to say that this other spouse will find out soon enough from elsewhere.

And yet, if everyone is sticking to the line that it's best not to say anything, where is the other spouse going to find this out from?

Oh boy, you really don't get it, do you davsmum - you cannot possibly consider the situation where this poor guy finds out that his partner has been having an affair with his best friend and that BFs wife knows about it - and he was the only one who did not know?

There - I've spelt it out for you. HTH.

It doesn't take much empathy to realise that being cuckolded is generally very humiliating.

As none of this is about me, I'm at a loss as to why you are directing your post to me. It doesn't make sense.

You don't agree - that's fine. But people are allowed to disagree with you without being told they are selfish, paranoid etc. That's what I mean about you taking things personally - because of the tenor of your posts.

Crikey davsmum that's the best "I'll just take a little bit of what you posted out of context to make my point" I have seen, here or anywhere else.

Well done!

You're being a bit aggressive, KatieKaye. People are not being told that they are selfish, they're being told that the need to spread poison is selfish in that poster's view. I share that opinion, 'telling' doesn't indicate anything good about the person doing it and I don't believe it comes from any good place.

Just because a poster has a different viewpoint to you doesn't mean that they 'don't get it', it means that they don't agree with you.

Lots of people say that they're ok with people having their own opinions but that doesn't seem to translate to when somebody has an opinion that isn't 'mainstream'.

btw, I don't think you can cuckold somebody without their consent, therefore knowledge.

There are always polar opinions on this subject, usually based on whether or not posters themselves would want to know. If OP asked and there was a pretty unanimous 'don't tell' or 'definitely tell' the decision might be easier for her but that isn't going to happen, no-one on this thread is going to change their mind.

It's down to you now OP. Do what feels right for you. If it makes you feel better, or takes away the uncertainty, or clears the air for you and helps you talk more openly about it, fine, go ahead and tell. If you're not really that bothered if he never knows about it, or at least not from you and it makes no difference to you, then leave it.

Your call.

Oh boy, you really don't get it, do you davsmum - you cannot possibly consider the situation where this poor guy finds out that his partner has been having an affair with his best friend and that BFs wife knows about it - and he was the only one who did not know?
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The BF is NOT her husband's 'best friend' They know each other if I remember correctly.

I only directed anything to you in response to stuff you said.
When I said 'You' I was also talking about anyone in that situation,..be that you,me or anyone else.
Perhaps it is YOU who doesn't get it,..because you seem to think it was directed at you
Nomama - Nothing you said was taken out of context. Surprised you think it was.

Not as surprised as I was to see what I posted used to show that some think HE is irrelevant, davsmum In context I said motives for telling are irrelevant, and his response would be equally irrelevant, The point would be that all parties should know what had happened.

I hope KatieKaye you have got the irony of scolding davesmum for failing to appreciate that other posters have different opinions than her. Then immediately giving her a lecture about how her problem is that she "doesn't get it" ie doesn't agree with you!

I'm fine with policing all over, there might be less dicks in the world if we did or less people shat on by them.

The OP hasn't updated in a while, I wonder if she will - whether she did bother or not. Personally, I hope she kicked the cheating cunt to the curb.

Maybe we could have vigilantes as an offshoot of that public policing? There would be no dicks anywhere as there would be nobody anywhere.

Bit like the 'league tables' operated by prisoners in prison isn't it? The murderers (who don't abuse children) look down on the paedophiles (who don't kill people) and in turn the muggers (who don't abuse children OR kill people, but hurt and rob vulnerable people) think they're above it all. They should be in unlocked cells and given free reign to police each other. No more overcrowding and no need for a justice system.

Only a little stretch from policing cheating... there's emotional affairs -v- physical affairs - what if it's both? Then add to the mix the cheater might be abused themselves (by partner) or might have emotional needs from being abused as a child... or might not have known what they were doing, or might have been drunk, drugged, whatever. Extend those same extenuations to the other cheater as well for fairness and award the moral high ground to those who were 'innocent'... only wait! They may or may not have been completely innocent but might be? Might be fully cognisant of an affair but willing to accept subject to not being publicly known about, may or may not be stable should the facts come out. Let's hope any children don't double-suffer... I mean, emotionally absent parent (possibly) and the wrathful parent on discovery... even if they are not present, not a nice atmosphere but, it's only the fault of the cheaters, eh?

Still, it's no concern of the teller. They've got to do what they've go to do... and some of us will not believe that they ever disclosed for the benefit of the other person, no matter how much they protest it is so.

I think that honesty needs to come from the people who've committed to you, who supposedly love you. You're not owed it from other people and I wouldn't want it from them.

giving her a lecture about how her problem is that she "doesn't get it" ie doesn't agree with you!

No, what I was doing was explaining what I was saying (for about the third time) as Davsmum had the wrong end of the stick.

It is just as reasonable to feel the one person who does not know what is going on and to feel is at a disadvantage as to believe that they are better off not knowing anything.

I've been in the position of finding out that everything I thought was true was in fact false, and that knowledge put everything that had gone before (over 20 years) into doubt. I would much rather have known the truth sooner rather than later.

I disagree, I think honesty should come from them but quite often it doesn't because it's in their best interests. Those interests aren't always their partners.

If someone hadn't told my friend her DH was cheating then she'd never had got STD checked because they were trying for baby, he was putting her health at risk and didn't give a damn. He should have told her but if one of the women he cheated with, who'd been unaware he was married, hadn't facebooked her then she'd have ended up possibly infertile due to the STD.

Yes, cheating is 100% the fault of the cheaters because they chose to do it. It's a choice they make. They are not 100% responsible for all issues in their relationship but they chose to do the action of cheating.

Well Katie I would say that there's a thin line between "explaining" and scolding / lecturing. And I'm not the ony one who thinks you've crossed that line several times!

I think we all get it that you and Davesmum don't agree!

And I think a lot of us are in the position of finding out similar devestating things. I know I am.

And at the time, wheher other people knew or not didn't bother me in the slightest. I couldn't have cared less what anyone else knew or thought.

I realise that's not how you felt - fair enough. But everyone is entitled to feel differently without them having their opinions dismissed as them "just not getting it"!

I think this is good in theory lying

I think that honesty needs to come from the people who've committed to you, who supposedly love you.

But the problem here of course is by definition she is dishonest so it could take a long time for him to find out the truth if everyone decides 'not to interfere' or similar.

I think everyone on here has said that they'd want to know if they were being cheated on. But some would prefer to hear it from their partner or someone close (rather than a stranger).

For the record, I wouldn't care who told me or why as long as someone did so I could stop wasting anymore life on a cheat. Life's just too short.

I don't think you can cuckold somebody without their consent

What????!!! I only hope, Lying, that nothing happens in your naive & lovely world to shake that certitude.

I'd assumed that was a weird typo - or mangled by a phone.

I was ignoring it, cos it hurt my head

Yes - since, as posted, it also means it's OP's fault her husband cheated

wanttosqueeze... Actually, I don't think I would want to know. If my husband was going to have an affair, I'd (possibly) prefer it that he protected his and my health and kept it away from me. In my head, that's what I think - I don't know in practice. If I had to hear it, I would definitely not want to hear it from anybody but him.

Garlic... you're right. I was thinking of another thread where this was discussed. Unwitting is probably the correct term.

I didn't think I lived in a naïve or lovely world, btw... I do always hope for the best though, so you could be right about the naivety also.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe there's nothing wrong with thinking or hoping that, I would hope if DH ever was a big enough cunt to cheat that he would at least protect my health even if he's not protecting me otherwise. Sadly though, I've seen it not happen that way from someone I never would have thought was so disrespectful. He was out of order, stupid and careless- quite often people in affairs are reckless.

Out of interest would you not want friends or family to tell you either if your DH refused? I know a couple of people I'd never tell that their OHs are cheating, because I know they'll prefer to be in denial.

you

addictedtobass... I suppose that family and friends would be ok because I know they would have my interests at heart and as hard as it would be to hear it, I would KNOW that. I wouldn't know that if a random person told me and I'm afraid, I wouldn't think they were doing it from any reason but spite.

It's a very unpopular view here but it's still mine - some affairs (many, perhaps) can be conducted with such discretion that they aren't found out, mostly between one couple (OM/OW and no others). There's no change in behaviour, nothing to upset the family at home and the OW/OM also conducts the affair in complete secrecy. Some affairs go on for many years like that.

If affairs are a part of life - and they certainly seem to be - then I'd prefer discretion that would enable family life to be sustained.

Then I stand corrected lying but I think you are the only one who wouldn't want to know.

And I do follow your reasoning - 'what the eye doesn't see...' etc

But of course the problem arises when you do eventually find out. If it's years into a relationship, which you realise has been based on a lie, with a partner you really don't feel you can trust again... You could find yourself wishing you'd known a lot sooner and looked for a good relationship with an honest person. Anyway, lets hope this is all just theoretical eh?

Amen to that, wanttosqueeze. Part of my feeling comes from the fact that my husband is the person I get on best with in the world. I don't know that I'd have the will or heart to replace him.

I discussed this with him when we first got together and told him how I felt. He would want to know after the fact - I wouldn't. I would respect his views and tell him if I were to have an affair. Both of us would want to know BEFORE the actual affair started though. It would come from either of us, obviously, so not the same scenario as the OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe That's your choice, at least if you have all the information you can decide that though. I think some people do believe ignorance is bliss, for the most people prefer to know-whether or not they do anything about it. I don't think most people are that great at hiding affairs for the most part, but usually they don't care enough to. Some I'm sure hide very very well because they do care to.

I think if it is the OW who they are cheating with it can very much look like spite or revenge or wanting to force the cheat to leave their partner, though in the case of my friend it was just disgust that the cheat had told the OW he had no intention of coming clean despite the infection which he knew he had.

The problem is that if someone is happy to risk their partners emotional well being y having an affair in the first place then they may be just as happy to risk the physical.

Here's hoping this is all theoretical as wantsto said.