Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person Hmm

OP posts:
happyyonisleepyyoni · 29/10/2014 22:52

heartisaspade the point is that there are posters on this thread who are enjoying rubbernecking and egging on the OP to kick off a drama-it's sick

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 22:54

I am not rubber necking. I am simply saying I would prefer to know if my H was shagging someone else.

Viviennemary · 29/10/2014 22:59

I know it's not the 'done thing' to inform people of their partner's cheating. We all must play nicely. Except the cheats. They get away with it. If you feel like sending the e-mail then send it.

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 23:02

Cheats are not criminals. Their relationships are a private matter. Who knows what the back story is to this.

It's not like grassing someone up for fraud.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 23:05

MZ, out of interest. If your partner/H/presuming you have one was shagging someone else, would you think it ok that you were among the last to know ? I don't.

likklemum · 29/10/2014 23:15

My ex dp was cheating on me. His best friend's DP told me and I am eternally grateful. In fact, just met up with her after 5yrs (some 12 years later). I would always much rather know than everyone else know and not me. Would rather know than waste a second more of my life on someone who clearly lacks the ability to keep their draws up!

GarlicGhoul · 29/10/2014 23:15

Ugh at all the gleeful Scarlet Letter writers.

I think "Ugh at all the collaborators." Realising that practically everyone knew, except me, was even worse than the revelation itself. I had been deceived by all my friends as well as my partner. I tried to move along, as of course I could see how difficult it had been for them, but in the end I lost them all because they were embarrassed/ashamed.

I did tell my best friend, too, face to face, when her fiancé was cheating. It wasn't easy for either of us but she preferred to know and our friendship group stayed together (the engaged couple didn't.)

In OP's predicament, I'd send a text saying something like "You may know DH and I are having some problems. He had an affair with XX for a year until last month. I'm very sorry." I would send a text or email, because I'd not be able to trust my emotions face to face with him. It's his drama now, but I'd find it hard to keep my own feelings out of it.

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 23:42

I'd be fucking aghast if my DP cheated on me and other people knew. But I wouldn't expect a stranger to be the one to inform me, in fact I'd think it odd if they did. And possibly question their agenda.

The person who owes me the facts and honesty is DP. If he fails to provide these it's not up to other people to step in and do the right thing.

Likewise, a strangers relationship is none of my beeswax.

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 23:43

If a good friend knew and didn't tell me, that's very different.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 23:44

In this case, it isn't a "stranger" as such. It is the other cheated-on party.

And in the BIL/SIL case, they are not strangers.

GarlicGhoul · 29/10/2014 23:47

Tbh, the agenda's fairly clear when the information's coming from the other cheated party. What he does with the information's up to him.

makeminered · 29/10/2014 23:47

I think I would text and say that I had some information that he would probably find upsetting. Would he like me to tell him?

He could well know anyway but be burying his head in the sand. At least that way you know the info is wanted.

I would want to be told.

DoJo · 30/10/2014 00:45

gentlehoney

The OP may feel confident in her sexual health, but I don't think I would want to trust the word of a near stranger that I was unlikely to contract anything from them and would rather be armed with the information to make an informed choice myself. This is without the potential for the parties involved to cheat again/have cheated before etc.

Whether that is her motivation or not, it is a deciding factor in my personal stance on whether to tell or not in these situations, and could help the OP make a decision which is why I posted. The fact that she hadn't mentioned it was another reason I mentioned it - if she is having trouble making a decision on the grounds of whether it is her business or not, then a more black and white area such as providing someone with information which could affect their health might make it easier. One motive doesn't preclude the other.

Hurr1cane · 30/10/2014 05:46

Why do these things always get so nasty?

Look, I think sending it is the right thing to do, I'm not saying that I'm correct, my logic may be flawed, but I think it's the right thing to do so if I personally didn't, I would feel I've done something wrong.

Some of you think that not sending it is the right thing to do, you may be right,you may be wrong, but if you think it's the wrong thing to so but still do it, then you are wrong.

For things like this there is too many arguments for both ways for anyone to claim that they are the absolute fountain of all moral knowledge, and it is extremely arrogant to think you are.

Also name calling others who don't share your moral stance is wrong, that's pretty obvious to everyone, so why would anyone listen to your advice?

Anyway OP, you need to do what YOU think is right in order to be happy with your decision.

atoughyear · 30/10/2014 05:55

OP. Your DH should tell the boyfriend. After all, they are friends. If he refuses that says everything you need to know about your DP.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2014 06:03

Hurricane where's the name calling? I think this has remained quite reasonable tbh.

I wonder what the op has done

MaryWestmacott · 30/10/2014 06:37

I think it's unfair the ows DP is trying to make a successful relationship in the absence of all the facts. It's unlikely he doesn't realise something went wrong, but not what.

I don't like the view by many on here that the moral thing to do when finding out your DH/p has betrayed you and kept a secret from you, is to join in the secret against the other wronged party. I'm always surprised so many people think the wronged wife should take the position of enabling the deceit

However, selfishly op, if you are thinking there's a chance you and your H might make a go of it, then don't do it, the fall out might well be nasty, the ows DP might blame your h, make it very public or attack your h. Less of an issue if your marriage is over, but if it's not, you are inviting in another set of problems, you've enough on your plate.

londonrach · 30/10/2014 06:55

Not sure, in theory he should know but giving someone that pain. Can i sit on the fence and just wish you and the ow boyfriend the best. Agree if you do letter factual only. Hope you and your children ok x

Longdistance · 30/10/2014 07:19

I can't see the ops h telling hid friend hr had an affair with the gf. What's he gonna say? 'Sorry mate, I was shagging your gf for a year'. Nope, that's not gonna happen, as it's not a soap opera it's rl.

I'd do what op is doing. Either text or a phone call. Op's marriage sounds like it's up the shit creek anyway. I see it as not letting the h off the hook. Seen as it's his friend.

JustAShopGirl · 30/10/2014 07:58

you say you and DH are on/off now and you don't think you will stay together...

so telling the DH of the cheating wife would probably free her up so that your DH and the OW can be together...

is that what you want?

thesnailandthewhale · 30/10/2014 08:35

If you text there is there a chance that she may see the message is from you and delete it? I leave my phone lying about indoors and if I get a text whoever is near it will often look at it and say "You've got a text from mum / friend /etc" ... so possibly the message could be intercepted before it gets to him anyhow??

Also, by sending a text you have no way of knowing what he's doing when he receives it ... perhaps just about to enter an important business meeting / dinner with parents / his birthday ... who knows what the situation will be when he gets potentially life changing news ...

I'm on the fence on this one. I too would want to know if I was in his position but am not sure that the news should come from you. My other concern is this: you have known this info for a while, have chosen to try and work on your relationship which you now feel is a lost cause. Why did you not tell him before this point, it seems that as you have given up on your own relationship you are happy to let dh and ow suffer by dealing with his reaction. I think you need to be sure that your motives are for his sake not for getting back at dh and ow.

Wishing you (and him) peace x

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 09:14

None of you know anything about these people.
You don't know anything about the state of the OPs relationship before or during the affair.
You don't know about the OW or why she had the affair - or anything about her partner - He could be a serial cheat for all you know.

All the OP should be concerned with is that her DH had an affair - doesn't matter who with. She needs to focus on fixing her own relationship or get out of it.
Contacting the OW partner serves her no good at all.
To pretend it is to protect OWs partners sexual health is ridiculous.
People have affairs all the time - they are grown up and know about protection - they don't need other people to warn them.

OP needs to sort out her own life and leave OW and her partner to get on with theirs because she knows very little about them

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 09:17

PLUS,..Don't assume the OW boyfriend would prefer to know! Not everyone does want to know!
It is not your responsibility to tell him.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/10/2014 09:22

It's not about responsibility or doing the right thing by everyone, I can't understand why silence is seen as more dignified than anything. And why is dignified so important.

To me, it would be a simple case of poking the ow in the eye - it might not hurt her, but at least I would have done something. That would make me feel soo much better.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 09:42

I wonder if those saying don't tell have had or are currently having affairs and are breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought that it might be them Grin