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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person Hmm

OP posts:
YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 29/10/2014 14:41

I would rather know.

He'll find out later on the line (she'll do it again), after wasting time on her.

A dog is a dog.

DaisyFlowerChain the OP wouldn't be hurting anyone. The cheating girlfriend is the one responsible- him being heartbroken would be a consequence of what she did, noone else.

Ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2014 14:42

I would send it.

I'd want to know.

You may or may not want to put your contact details/ phone number etc in the email though - he might have questions and I think it's only fair that you make it relatively easy for him to contact you.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2014 14:43

I think you will regret it tbh

SuperFlyHigh · 29/10/2014 14:44

I'd be so tempted to send it but I think as BitOUt says you may regret it.

Can't you type it and save in drafts for now?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 29/10/2014 14:47

YANBU, poor chap deserves to know. I'd certainly want someone to tell me if it was my DH.

BiancaDelRio · 29/10/2014 14:50

I wouldn't.

There's no point pretending your motivation is some sense of public service to the OW's man.

It's revenge. Pure and simple.

Their relationship is none of your business and if it were me I wouldn't stoop to such behaviour as it sends a clear message to the OW that she still matters to you and that you're willing to expend energy and time meddling in her life.

Rise above and get on with your life.

Also, I suspect lots of posters on this thread are telling you to send the message so that they can have an entertaining thread about the fallout to read once the kids are in bed tonight.

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:50

Sending it will only cause him pain, why would you want to do that when he has done nothing to you? Hurting another person out of revenge for something somebody else has done is wrong.

It might not cause him pain. It might put him out of his misery. Many people who have been cheated on say they felt they were going mad because their partner was behaving in a suspicious manner but denying anything wrong.

It does not have to be done as 'revenge', in fact it can be very kind to let him know. Like many have said, it's horrible to be the last to find out.

How have you worded it OP? I would say something like, 'Dear x, you may already be aware of this but just in case you're not I think you should know that your partner has been cheating on you. I thought it best to let you know so that you can decide what, if anything, you want to do about it. If you want to know any more, you can contact me at 'x-address'.

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 29/10/2014 14:52

It certainly won't cause him pain perhaps 10 years down the line when he has settled down with someone who knows how to keep their underwear on.

Bigger picture

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 29/10/2014 14:56

I would send it.

worserevived · 29/10/2014 14:59

I'd send it. I've been cheated on, and if someone had told me I'd have appreciated it. I don't think your motivation matters, the poor man deserves to know, so he can make a decision for himself about his future. All this keeping quiet for the greater good, it's bollocks said by people who don't know what it feels like to have a partner cheat.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 29/10/2014 15:03

I wouldn't be agonising over it. If just tell him. You owe the OW nor your DH anything.
Is humiliating being the last to know and it's worse that he knows your DH - another humiliation.
Tell him and good luck to you. Thanks

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 29/10/2014 15:04

*I'd
And you don't owe ...

Ffs

19lottie82 · 29/10/2014 15:06

Not saying it's definitely the right thing to do (although I THINK it is), but I would send it. I also think a text is the right way to do it, but tell him he can phone you if he wishes more info.

Davsmum · 29/10/2014 15:11

I agree with biancaDelRio Of course you shouldn't send it. What do you think it will achieve? For someone to feel as angry and as hurt as you do?
Your issue is with your DH,..not her or her boyfriend.

You will just cause more trouble and it IS revenge motivated. Their relationship will sort itself out.

I don't see how you doing a nasty thing ( because it IS nasty) can make the situation any better.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 29/10/2014 15:15

Do it do it do it press send

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 15:19

davesmum let's just hope no one ever fucks about on you for a year on you them and people decide to keep you in the dark. Ignorance is bliss and all that.....

PiperRose · 29/10/2014 15:21

I wouldn't, but if you must then speak to him. Text/messaging is cowardly.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 15:21

In fact I back track and maybe it would be better if you called instead. You might be able to discuss at some point what a pair of selfish bastards you both have been living with.

InfinitySeven · 29/10/2014 15:21

There is an interesting dynamic here...

I don't think there is anyone here who has said that they wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating on them. If there was, they would almost certainly be in the minority.

Knowing that other people knew about the affair would make finding out a lot worse, for anyone.

So who is supposed to tell, in this situation? Third-parties tend not to get involved, because they don't want to be blamed. It's not moral, but the bystander affect is real.

She is unlikely to have a change of heart and suddenly confess all tonight.

OP knows. She's involved. But revenge is a possible motive, and that's never good.

So who should tell him?

I think it's quite possibly meaner to leave him living a lie that everyone else knows about, building a future with someone who is cheating on him, than it is to cause him pain but reveal the truth.

MadeInChorley · 29/10/2014 15:22

I would send the message. I'd definitely want to know. You might not enjoy finding out that your partner is a lying, cheating shit, but would anyone seriously prefer to be kept in the dark?

Examine your motives for doing it though. If it's because you believe he has a right to know and deserves to understand the truth then go for it and try to resist emotive language. If you are doing it spitefully to potentially break up their relationship in revenge for her doing that to you, I'd be careful. But I'd do it anyway.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 15:22

piper I do t think it's cowardly. op has nothing to be cowardly about.

Sickoffrozen · 29/10/2014 15:24

I would be wary about this. Do you know anything about the man? If so I would advise caution. I know someone who did something similar and the man physically attacked both his GF and the lover (in this case your DH). Now I'm not saying that would happen in every case but I would think very carefully. Some people in this world are very dangerous and given information like this can do serious damage to people. I personally on that basis would not get involved unless asked.

Davsmum · 29/10/2014 15:25

I wouldn't be bothered about 'being kept in the dark' I would see it as between me and my DH. Nor would I expect other people to having to get themselves involved.
If a close family member definitely knew something then I suppose I would be surprised if they did not tell me - but I would not expect someone I hardly knew to be poking their nose in

No way is the OP doing this for the good of the boyfriend. It is a selfish thing to do to make herself feel better and to get back at the OW to ruin her relationship - which will only be a temporary feeling anyway!

PiperRose · 29/10/2014 15:25

I think it's very easy in this and many other situations for people type and send messages that they wouldn't have the nerve to say in public.

My view is if you feel better doing in by text/message then don't do it al all.

Itsfab · 29/10/2014 15:29

If she had crashed his car or fraudulently spent all his money would you tell?

I just wonder why affairs seem to be different when telling someone a loved one has wronged them.

I think you should tell him but be kind. He did nothing wrong.