To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

[SassyOlaf]

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

No - I wouldn't. Sounds like revenge dressed up as public service 'oh he would want to know'.

I think you should send it. I would want someone to tell me, if it was my DH playing away.

Hmmmm SHE had an affair with you husband, why not the other way round? What she does shouldn't matter to you, your issue is with your husband. How could you not notice for a year?

Send it. I would.

I wouldn't want to know if my husband had cheated on me, particularly if it had now all blown over. I would far rather live in ignorance and let my life carry on as normal.
I seem to be the only one though.

I didn't. Because she had convinced H that her H was controlling and abusive and H convinced me. I was afraid he'd hurt her, and to be really honest, that he'd confront H or come to our house. I have since learned (as far as anyone outside of their relationship can ever really learn) that the truth was a bit different. However it was 2 years ago and we've moved on.

I would have liked to have been told of course. I wish someone had. One of the worst aspects was finding out later that so many others 'knew' or at least had heard rumours, but that I was in the dark.

Youareallbonkers I think that's a little harsh. It's not the OP's fault she didn't know for that long!!

Yes youareallbonkers that is such a pointlessly spiteful thing to say. Why not add feeling stupid to the OP's woes eh? And I write as someone who's xDP was living with someone else for a year so yeah.

And I can assure you I'm not stupid!!

I would want to know, BUT I wouldn't necessarily believe a message. Anyone can go on the internet or get their phone out and send a message, and they can do it for all kinds of reasons - to tell the truth, to shit stir, to lie, whatever.

I think you need to tell him in person or on the phone at least. I would believe a phonecall if someone was clearly distressed or upset, but a text? No, it's too easy to lie on a screen - face to face is much harder.

Send it. This woman has cheated on him, possibly exposed him to STDs (sorry OP), and probably other people know and are laughing at him. He deserves someone to (kindly, not spitefully) tell him the truth.

Not unreasonable, I can see why you'd want to. What do you think your husband's reaction would be if you told the boyfriend? What do you want him to do?

If I were you I'd save a draft and sleep on it. If it still felt right tomorrow I'd send.

He needs to know, he will need an sti test.

It would be undignified to tell him. Don't drag it all up and hurt someone who has done you no harm. It wont fix your marriage and it wont turn the clocks back.
I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

Just assuming that the OW your husband was having the affair with knew the reaction to expect from her partner. Surely her having the affair means she either doesn't think there will be any violence/suicide etc. or she doesn't care. If he was going to commit suicide if you tell, surely he would do that if he found out some other way.
But I agree with some posters that in person is better than text etc. It's a very personal message and you could always talk to him quietly somewhere.
An STI check may be necessary, who knows how many blokes she's shagging/shagged. So for that alone he should know how many people he has been indirectly sleeping with

I'm in the moral dilemma as is said above, we all say we'd want to know, but others say they shouldn't be told.

I would prefer a text/email/whatever written way of being told than a face to face meeting. As somebody else had said, if I was to break down,cry,be angry/upset I'd want to be able to be/do that, without the added humiliation of the person who already knew, being present.

I agree with those who reckon the motive for sending this is revenge and spite. Whether the boy friend deserves to know is an irrelevance.
No I wouldn't send it. What satisfaction would you gain from interfering in their relationship? It won't mend yours.
And there are too many on this thread simply slavering at the prospect of the fall out.

I wouldn't mainly because it means you are still focussed on the OW rather than the relationship between you and your husband and sorting out your future. The OW and her relationship shouldn't be that important to you that you want to spend that much time on her.
Your husband had a relationship with someone else. The particulars of that someone else and their relationships don't matter.
I'd probably only speak to her boyfriend if I knew him. I wouldn't send a text/ email etc. Do it in person or don't bother.

of course this isn't some kind of public service for the greater good. Not even from the people encouraging the op to send the message - people are positively gleeful about the fact he may finally find out. all very undignified.

And what happens if the ow's life is not ruined by this revelation? What happens if her bf already knew? if they had an open relationship? if they come through it and their relationship becomes stronger as a result? How will you feel then op?

I can see the motivation for telling at the time of the affair. But once it's over and if you are trying to rebuild your own relationship - nope. never any justification. Either you want to rebuild your marriage or you don't, throwing in revenge tactics is neither justified nor dignified.

I think tell him.
I have been in this position, we worked in the same place, I was pregnant, it turned out everyone new and it took a new member of staff, who didn't know either of us to tell me. I'm so glad he did.
He deserves to know.
I would prefer email, possibly offer In email to talk on phone if he wants, it would be better to have the email for the facts though, I'd find that easier to process. I find that you never ask the questions you want in high pressure situations.

I would send it.

So would I.

I would send it

I would tell. I'm vengeful. I don't believe in karma either. It would give me satisfaction to screw her over. I would prefer to tell him on the phone to be sure he knew.
Then i would happily move on.

Actually if you DO send it be prepared for the fall out from it... and update on MN