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Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person Hmm

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 13:46

Well I'd prefer a phone call than a heart stopping text message

At least you have half a chance of working out if the other person is being genuine or not, by their tone of voice.

Original poster
SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 13:46

I did think about speaking to him face to face, I was hoping I would run into him somewhere but then I think it would be so awkward, I may lose my nerve, cry or be nasty, which I really don't want.

I think I will send it. I'm so tired of pretending everything is ok just so they can save face.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 13:46

I think he deserves to know but the message should be written sensitively.

Are you going to be available for further information, should he want it? He might want to converse with you further to find out more, have you thought of that.

I would also let 'd'h know in case the boyfriend decides to confront him.

nottheOP · 29/10/2014 13:46

I would want to know.

Tell him because you don't want him to be in the dark not because you're getting back at her. Make sure you've written from that angle.

I'd send a message as I'd be an over emotional wreck if I tried to say it.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2014 13:47

I think it's usually very mixed on here.
I wish someone had told me!!!
I would want to know.

polarpercy · 29/10/2014 13:48

I'd prefer a message to face to face. When I found out I at least had a couple of hours to process the messages I had seen before confronting my husband. I was still way more emotional than I had wanted to be. I couldn't be the collected person I felt I should be.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 13:48

Why let the h know? Fuck him.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 13:49

At least if you rang and did end up crying, he might think there was some truth to it.

If I opened a text with heart stopping information, I'd assume the person was so cold hearted that they were probably just out to cause trouble.

Then again, you know this guy and I don't.

I still think a text message is a horrible way to deliver the news though,

inlectorecumbit · 29/10/2014 13:49

yes send-the poor bloke deserves to know

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 13:50

^what if he DID commit suicide? What if he did kill her ... and him? what if he got drunk and crashed his car into a bunch of school kids?

Well that would be entirely his choice and his responsibility, nothing to do with OP.

Coconutty · 29/10/2014 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannaBe · 29/10/2014 14:04

I think that sending a message just comes across as bitter and out to seek revenge tbh, especially when it's weeks/potentially months after the event.

And while I do think the "what if he kills her/himself responses are somewhat over dramatic, reality is that you don't actually know the state of their relationship. Affairs are rarely black and white, and while there is IMO never any justification for an affair, there are often things within relationships which could drive someone to have one. Presumably you saw your relationship as happy before the affair became known to you, but you don't know the same of her relationship.

your dh is the one responsible for the issues in your marriage, your issue should be with him, if she's no longer in your lives then aim to keep it that way.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 29/10/2014 14:05

Agree with Fairenuff and was about to post the same thing. Any action he chooses to take after receiving the news is not the responsibility of the person he hears the news from.

WannaBe · 29/10/2014 14:09

and fwiw I've been on the receiving end of someone telling me they "thought I should know." something which I did already know actually. But the deliverer was smug and clearly wanting revenge, and what he had to say didn't affect me at all because as it happened his dw wasn't having an affair with who he thought but with someone else. but given he is a violent creep who has more than once threatened to kill her and their children I can't say I blame her.

So tbh I think these things aren't always quite that straightforward, and while one person is likely a victim there's no knowing that the ow/om's partner is a victim in the same way iyswim.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 14:11

He gains the knowledge his other half is cheating, so he can decide what to do about it.

As you know him, I'd probably opt for telling him face to face.

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:11

Have you sent it OP?

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 14:12

I agree with WannaBe. Stay out of it. Other people's relationships are none of your business.

liquidstatehasrisenagain · 29/10/2014 14:19

I would send it. Why should you be the only holding it together? But then I would prefer to find out the truth if it was me being cheated on.

Cheating is a non negotiable wrong in my book.

VodkaJelly · 29/10/2014 14:23

I would send it. I would want to know if I was being cheated on.

DixieNormas · 29/10/2014 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 29/10/2014 14:30

I would send it.

TonightTonight · 29/10/2014 14:30

Send it. He should know. You are not responsible for the fallout from someone else's affair. If he already knows/doesn't mind/is actively involved, then no loss.

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/10/2014 14:31

What do you gain from sending it? The poor man has done nothing to you and neither technically has the OW. Your DH is the one that broke his wedding vows.

Sending it will only cause him pain, why would you want to do that when he has done nothing to you? Hurting another person out of revenge for something somebody else has done is wrong.

guitarosauras · 29/10/2014 14:35

No although part of me thinks that I would want to do the same. I'd want to do it for revenge which isn't right.

I'd want to know of course if were me but I wouldn't want to find out like that.

Once your partner is well out of the picture then you could maybe have another think about it?

MamaMed · 29/10/2014 14:37

I would definitely want to know. But I'm not sure what I would do in your situation.