To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

[SassyOlaf]

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

Do the couple have children? Would that make a difference?

It's not undignified to tell him, it's not spiteful or nasty or any of the other emotive things that people are saying. The op and the OW's partner may have been exposed to all manner of sexually transmitted infections.

Do the people saying don't tell think that it is ok for this man to be at risk of undiagnosed health conditions? He has a right to know so he can protect himself. It is immoral not to tell him or anyone in this situation.

The fallout is not the op's responsibility, that is owned by the people doing the cheating.

So should people tell partners whenever they know anyone is having an affair even if casual work colleague/ acquaintance? Most of us don't feel the need to go round telling strangers their partner has been unfaithful. the risk of STDs of 2 people having a year long affair is pretty slim, shagging with a stranger at an 18-30 holiday has far more risk. This isn't about STDs, it's about revenge or perceived revenge. Making yourself feel better by making someone else miserable isn't a good way to move forward with your life.

Presumably, if the OP's husband has been tested since the affair and is free of disease the other woman's partner is at no more risk than before the affair?

Of course it's about revenge. It's disingenuous to suggest anything else.

So, are you going to?

If they had kids i wouldn't.

The gleeful hand-rubbing over the imminent destruction of a strangers relationship does no-one here any credit.

My BIL had a short lived and misguided affair when my SIL was PG with their fourth child.

They are still together 15 yrs later and happy, it was not my place or anyone else's to butt in and I am very glad for all their sakes I didn't . They obviously had their problems but came through them and there is no doubt in my mind this was the best outcome for all of them. If I had told my SIL it could have wrecked at least 6 lives.

Yoni, in your SIL's situation I would have preferred to know. The only person "wrecking 6 lives" was your adulterous BIL.

Imagine if it comes out later (as these things are wont to do) and she realises that you knew all along. How devastating.

I wouldn't. What if he goes berserk and kills her? Or assaults her? Or comes round and kills your DH? Or assaults your DH?

I know karma is a bitch and all that but I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

Maybe she's in an abusive relationship and she's scared to leave him?

I don't believe in karma and I wouldn't care if she's in an abusive relationship, that's no excuse to fuck around with a married man. I have zero sympathy for her situation, she didn't accidentally fall on his cock.

Saying all that, I wouldn't press send. It's not my thing.

I would send it.

Ugh at all the gleeful Scarlet Letter writers.

I would want to know.

I thought I would press send but wannaBe's message has changed my mind a bit.

You sound unsure about the future of your relationship - understandably so. If you press send, it'll open a whole can of whoop ass which I think would end your relationship - this might be entirely right for you. Just be certain you've considered every implication before pressing.

I would want to know if someone was playing russian roulette with my sexual health by sleeping around like a mangy mutt.

I have also told. It was very hard as they were both friends. Neither talks to me any more but I did what I felt was right.

I disagree, if he was having an affair for a year and she didn't notice how much was she ignoring him? She has contributed to the ruination of her own marriage and you lot are gleefully telling her to ruin someone else's and then come back and tell you all what happened so you can all get your kicks vicariously. And I'm tthe spiteful one? You lot crack me up!

Youareallbonkers, I fully agree that it is wrong to tell but it is not the OP's fault if her husband has an affair.

HappyHalloween it was 15 years ago that my BIL had an affair. Either SIL knows and they have sorted it between them, or not. Either way, if she was to find out now that it happened, I very much doubt whether I knew would be the worst of her problems!

People here are incredibly naive about the prevalence of EMA, and are giving poor advice based on their rose coloured view of the world

Someone told me my h was having an affair out of self interest (he admitted this to me, he wanted to break up OW's primary relationship and her affair). I am still very very grateful he told me. It's my life and I'd like all the facts before I decide what to do! In this same debacle, I chose not to inform OW's DP of the full facts - she told him she snogged my DH and that was it. He chose to believe her lies and went on to marry her. He could have contacted my DH or me if he had wanted to but he chose not to. So I suppose se people like to bury their heads in the sand but it's not a great plan IMO.

I would tell because someone who is cheating is risking the sexual health of their long term partner. I could live with myself if he thought I was interfering or would rather not know. I wouldn't like to imagine how I would feel if he contracted an STI which limited or impinged on his life and future health.

I am really quite confused about the sexual health aspect.

Either.... The Op and her husband were tested after she found out about the affair and were clear, so the other woman's husband is not at risk.

Or... The OP doesn't think there is much risk and hasn't bothered with tests, in which case why would she be more concerned with the other woman's husband's health than her own?

I can well understand why the OP is furious, but her statements... "I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world" and " I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person" don't indicate that her motivation is concern for his health.
I don't think she even mentioned it did she?

What is your real motive? I can't say that I really buy it's just to help some poor soul out, it sounds like revenge (though you'd be justified, I suppose).

I don't like paper trails. I'd either call them and arrange to meet and tell the man face to face, or do nothing.

He kind of deserves to know the truth really. I'd send a factual message with the offer of further discussion if he wishes.

A friend of mine received a message via Facebook (of all places) from the OW husband telling her about the affair her husband had been having with his wife. She was grateful and able to make an informed choice about what to do next. They're still together actually, so it didn't 'destroy' their marriage.

I think I would be tempted to, but I don't think I would do it. Rise above it op, their relationship has nothing to do with you. I think you can only come across as bitter no matter how you word it. I understand why you want to though.