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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 02/11/2014 15:54

If I wanted to know, it would certainly not be via a spiteful text out of the blue from a stranger.

IrianofWay · 02/11/2014 21:13

Why is the word 'spiteful' relevant. Why assume it's spiteful? Perhaps it's just passing on vital information?

Actually I feel better for reading this thread. I have felt a little guilty about now informing the OW's H about the affair. I still do a little. But this thread appears to absolve me from all responsibility. I had my reasons for not doing so but I assumed they were self-serving and selfish. Apparently not as no-one has any responsibility to anyone they don't know personally. So ...yay for me

Davsmum · 02/11/2014 22:04

I don't think it is necessarily spiteful,..but it is childish, possibly selfish, and unnecessary. This thread has not absolved you of anything,..SOME people on here agree that it is good to inform the other party.
I think those people cannot see beyond their own feelings of being hurt or what they fear may happen to them. They have to share that hurt,..because it is terrible to feel you are the only one who has been 'mistreated' Take someone down with you!

Fairenuff · 02/11/2014 22:07

I think those people cannot see beyond their own feelings of being hurt or what they fear may happen to them. They have to share that hurt,..because it is terrible to feel you are the only one who has been 'mistreated' Take someone down with you!

I would only tell because I would want to be told Davs, the same as you would not tell because you would not want to know. I think these arguments are going round in circles now.

revealall · 02/11/2014 22:22

I have experienced both sides of this.

When my boyfriend decided to go off with a close friend, I did tell him ( after a few weeks of umming and ahhing ) about the secrect life she led. If I'm honest half of me did feel he should know for his own good and the other half wanted to drop her in it. Of course she confessed all and it became a source of romantic frisson that he saved her from her dreadful situation.

After finishing with her a few months later he wanted me back. We sort of got back together only for them to get back together a year later.
However it turned out that a few people had seen them knocking about together a few weeks before but hadn't wanted to say anything. I found out by accident but by then it was a bit late.

On reflection I think honesty serves everyone well. It helped their relationship initially and it would have helped me to know the truth sooner.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/11/2014 08:32

The op said herself that at least part of the message was "catty". Which is a word I hate - only ever applied to women so I changed it to spiteful.

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 08:47

I would only tell because I would want to be told Davs, the same as you would not tell because you would not want to know. I think these arguments are going round in circles now.
-------------
It is not a case of me not wanting to know! I would not 'expect' to be told by anyone or see it as anyone's duty to tell me. There is a difference. Once I did know - I would not be that concerned with 'who-knew-before-me' I would be busy sorting out what I wanted to do about my relationship. Other people would be the last thing on my mind.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/11/2014 09:04

Lots of insults from you Dav's Mum which is surprising seeing as you seem keen to take the moral high-ground.

I see earlier in the thread you thought people who disagreed with you were immature - then you insinuated they weren't good parents - then they were bloody do-gooders. Now we are back to childish and selfish.

Perhaps you could try to understand that people react differently to things without the insults.

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 10:24

I didn't say 'people who disagree with me are immature' -You have decided that is what I think. I did not say people who disagree with me are childish or selfish - certain actions that people may do are certainly childish or selfish.

You really should stop putting your own spin on things.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/11/2014 10:32

I think Davsmum has remained very patient in the face of quite a stem interrogation tbh

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/11/2014 10:51

I don't think it is necessarily spiteful,..but it is childish, possibly selfish, and unnecessary.
Still that's a change from her previous comments.
I don't see how you doing a nasty thing ( because it IS nasty) can make the situation any better.
*You would think that once people became adults - they would have matured enough and have enough intelligence to not to act like spoiled brattish schoolkids who try to deliberately hurt someone just because they have been hurt.
Even more scary - these people are parents who influence children.
Oh, grow up!!

Its just very amusing that's all, that Dav's mum's is telling all about being non-judgemental, wise and doing the right thing, (her right thing) but her posts are displaying the exact opposite. Ho hum. Isn't that always the way?!

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 12:29

Perhaps you can tell us how you can express that you believe something is childish without using the word 'Childish' - Likewise,..how you can get across that something is nasty without saying that.
You can judge an action without completely judging a person.

You don't find it amusing at all JohnFarleyRuskin - It annoys the hell out of you that someone can criticise or question a decision/action that you agree with.
I have not directly insulted anyone,..only their actions,..Read back to see actual insulting names and comments directed towards the OW.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/11/2014 12:39

Nope, its the way you're doing it that amuses me, honestly.

Plenty of other people have said they wouldn't dream of telling without coming across as so superior.

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 13:09

Perhaps that is just the way you perceive me. Personally, I do not think anyone, whoever they are, is ever superior to anyone else.

You, of course, come across as perfectly humble and totally rational ....

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/11/2014 13:17

I know ;)

I do feel it was wrong to say, The people who want to spill the beans are as bad as the cheaters. I think that is crazy talk and it did annoy rather than amuse me (!) but I think it was said in the context of an escalating argument kind of thing?!?!

Shall we agree to differ?

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 16:19

Ha ha,.Perhaps I should have said 'almost as bad',...You are right, it is a bit crazy,..because you cannot compare the two. I concede the point.
Yes,..got carried away!

Yes,.. we have no choice but to agree to disagree

Fairenuff · 03/11/2014 17:18

It is not a case of me not wanting to know! I would not 'expect' to be told by anyone or see it as anyone's duty to tell me. There is a difference.

Just to clear this up Davsmum, could you just clarify, if your partner had been having an affair, would you want to know?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/11/2014 17:23

Aww! I loved reading John and Dav making up then!

Fairenuff - can I answer too? I think that's not the question in hand is it? The question isn't whether the OW's DP would want to know or not is it? How will we ever know unless he posts here? The question should be, should the OP should tell him?

So to answer both questions:

would I want to know? Yes
should the OP tell him? No!

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 19:07

Just to clear this up Davsmum, could you just clarify, if your partner had been having an affair, would you want to know?
---------------

I doubt you would 'understand' my reasoning on this.However,..if you insist,..
I don't expect my DP to have an affair - but I don't expect him not to. If he did, you already know I would not 'expect' anyone to tell me. I honestly do not spend time thinking about whether I would want to know or not.I don't think it is a healthy way to think. I don't dramatise 'what ifs' in my head.
If I did 'find out' I would feel disappointed and probably bloody sad about it and have to really think about what I wanted to do.
I existed quite happily before I met my DP and even though I would be hurt & upset if something like an affair happened, I know I can exist quite happily without him again if that is what it came to.
I don't feel a 'need' to know to be honest but I would probably hope that he would tell me himself - rather than anyone else doing so.
What he should do - is tell me he was tempted or thinking about an affair BEFORE it happened- That is why I would probably separate from him if he had an affair, because I would have totally misread him as the person I thought I knew.
So - I have no preference either way. I deal with things as they come.

Fairenuff · 03/11/2014 19:38

You don't know if you would want to know if he was having an affair?

bitofanoddone · 03/11/2014 19:56

I don't know either. Our lives are so entwined and our marriage is a sum of many things and people. If I was told, I might feel compelled to do something about it. I love my life and family. The thing that would really get to was if he wanted to leave for someone else.

Davsmum · 03/11/2014 21:05

Fairenuff It is not a yes or no answer for me. If I didn't know it would not affect me would it? I don't see it as a plot against me,..If he had an affair he would have his own reasons for it - People DO have lots of reasons and I doubt many are about trying to humiliate or hurt their partner. It is about themselves.
I am sure it would come out sooner or later.

IrianofWay · 04/11/2014 12:17

"The thing that would really get to was if he wanted to leave for someone else"

Whilst I agree with this, the problem with affairs is that they maximise the problems in the marriage, and minimise the potential problems in the new relationship. So unless your partner is the classic cake-eater (undesirable IMO anyway)the one thing that you might not want to know about (the affair) might well lead in time to the thing that you would be concerned about (leaving). Affairs tend to lead to revision of marital history and the emphasising of marital problems to the extent that when the affair is found out the shock, disruption and shame may well lead to the unfaithful spouse throwing his/her hands up in horror and saying 'Stuff it, its all too horrible, I'm off!' regardless of whether they really want to go or not. Or alternatively over time the affair sucks the energy out of the marriage until it simply withers away, all the time the betrayed partner desperately aware that 'something' is wrong but can't fathom what it is.

Whilst I respect everyone has the right to know what makes them happiest, in our case, the secrets he shared with OW were killing us as a couple. As it was I had 24 hours of trickle truth, evasion and then finally one horrible night of 'it hasn't been right for 10 years' and 'I don't know what I want'. I woke the next day thinking that my marriage was over and done with and that he was leaving. Took him a few hours to clear his head and realise what he had almost lost and only THEN was he prepared to be honest and give me all the facts so we could try to start again. He fully admits now that he was prepared to leave because he was simply terrified of being honest with me, he was ashamed and that the full confession was the worst thing he has ever had to do.

Infinity8 · 04/11/2014 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kentishgirl · 04/11/2014 15:41

I'm on the side of telling him.

I'm sure there is an element of shit stirring in wanting to do this. It'll cause her trouble. I understand that impulse.

But that doesn't change the fact that she and your husband are the ones who have hurt this man, not you, if you tell him.

I've been cheated on and YES I absolutely would want someone to tell me if they knew. It doesn't sound as though you are going to be nasty to this man, just give him the info and let him work out what he wants to do for himself.

I went through two years of hell when my ex was having an affair, and suspecting it but being unable to prove it, and his denials and turning it back on me being bonkers and imagining things. I wish someone had told me.

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