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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

249 replies

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 13:56

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

OP posts:
magimedi · 22/10/2014 14:00

YANBU - it seems very odd to me that you are never asked to visit & yet they are still happy to take an expensive gift from you.

VodkaJelly · 22/10/2014 14:00

Ask him. Otherwise you will never know. It could be something like his wife is an introvert who doesnt like visitors, or any number of things. You have nothing to lose by asking him. Smile

Vanillepudding · 22/10/2014 14:02

I think you are not unreasonble, sorry.

It would have been nice to have seen the item in situ, but maybe they are just very busy and wanted to thank you quickly?

I would say something - but that's just me - make a lighthearted comment, especially if your relationship is good.

Why was popping in unannounced a problem?

LadyLuck10 · 22/10/2014 14:03

Yanbu, seems very odd that he hasn't invited you. There's only one way to find out. There definitely is some issue because in 14 months it's unbelievable that you have been there only once.

Mabelface · 22/10/2014 14:03

Try "hi love. Are you free on (day) evening? I'll pop round of that's ok. I'll bring cake. "

grendel · 22/10/2014 14:04

All families are different, but to me this sounds very odd. I can't imagine my daughter living 4 miles away and her never inviting me round to her house in 14 months!

So your son and DIL are happy to come round to your house? How often do you see them? Do you get on with your DIL? Do they have other people round to their house, members of DIL's family for example?

What happened the one time that you did pop in? Are you perhaps being 'punished' for over-stepping the mark in some way?

Have you tried just asking your son whether there is some problem, or even just asking breezily next time you see them "So when are you having us round to lunch then?"

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 22/10/2014 14:04

Why dont you text your son about the furniture looks lovely, bet youve done loads to the house since I last saw it, I was thinking about calling over this weekend to say hi, hope thats ok, let me know what day/time suits you both x

Nocturne123 · 22/10/2014 14:06

Was it different before he got married ? Do they come to your house ?

It does seem a bit strange .. I live about the same distance away from my in laws and they come down about once a week to see the Dcs

squoosh · 22/10/2014 14:08

Don't blame you one bit for feeling hurt, sounds very odd to me. I get that some people aren't overly keen on visitors, but not having your own Mum around in 14 months? Bizarre.

BettyFocker · 22/10/2014 14:09

Have you only seen them once in 14 months? Or you've only been to their house once in that time? If it's the latter, do you see one another often?

CherryDolphin · 22/10/2014 14:09

YANBU and I'm sorry to hear this Sad.

Have you tried talking to him about it? If you can get him on his own then even better.

blizy · 22/10/2014 14:09

I've been living in my house with my Dh for 6 years, a 5 min walk away from my parents. I have never formally invited them to my house, but we are not that sort of family, I would love it if they would pop in. I visit their house at least once a week though. Inlaws tend to pop in to us around once a week too.

wink1970 · 22/10/2014 14:10

How awful for you, you are not being unreasonable and you sound like a good MIL.

I wouldn't go down the direct route of 'can I pop in on XYZ date' as suggested, as if there is a reason for them not inviting you it will make it more awkward. I'd be more inclined to go with a conversation about whether the furniture looks good IRL, and see if they take a hint.

Then again, I'm really blunt and I'd probably just ask my step-son outright!!

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 22/10/2014 14:11

Could you just invite them to your house? Why does it have to be theirs?

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 22/10/2014 14:11

I'm not sure, we tend to just ring and say 'is it convenient', we don't wait to be asked. Maybe they don't ask because you don't ask either.

And the pic could just be to show you quickly. I've bought things for mine and they've sent pics so we could see straight away.

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:11

we live about half that distance from dp's parents and they have only come round about 3-4 times since we moved in (about a year ago). it's not that we don't want them here, it's just that they tend to invite us round quite a lot and we get the impression that they prefer us to come to them rather than to leave their cosy home (i don't mean that in a sarky way at all - it's not exactly a chore going to another house two miles away - but it does feel a bit like they prefer to stay in their own home).

i would just say that you'd like to see the furniture in situ and see them at home or whatever. it could be that, like us, it just hasn't occurred to them

on which note, we should really find a time to invite them over, as i'd hate dp's parents to feel this way

Poolbirthx2 · 22/10/2014 14:11

As a previous post said, could you send a text saying ill call around on such a date with cake or tea. Do you invite them to your house?

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 22/10/2014 14:11

No I would be hurt and think it odd.

Be honest with your son. I would.

WftsC · 22/10/2014 14:12

Aw, YANBU. Basic manners would extend to the odd invitation for a cup of tea, even if the relationship was very formal. But if you all get on as you say, they need to be a little kinder!
However: they might be genuinely unaware of this, and a nice little request to your DS ('we would love to come round some time, we've been holding off because we didn't want to intrude, but we would love to visit!') may be enough to just highlight it!

CherryDolphin · 22/10/2014 14:12

Does he ever visit you running? Or do you just not see any of him at all these days?

I have to admit that this thread is making me feel guilty. I barely invite my parents round either even though we don't live far from each other and I'm not even married and live on my own. We are all very busy though and it's hard to find a time when we're all free at the same time although I do still like to make an effort.

In this situation I would probably try to rationalise it with "he's just busy."

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:13

also - i'm guessing they don't have children? we are the same, and it means that when we go to theirs dp is going to his childhood home and i've been going there since i was a teenager. if they come to ours they feel much more like guests than we do at theirs (much as i want them to feel as at home as possible when they're here). because we don't have children it's not like we have to bundle up small bodies and clothes and toys etc to go out to someone else's house

lunar1 · 22/10/2014 14:14

Why do you think you weren't welcome last time? I think it's really odd, you really should talk to your son.

HonoraryOctonaut · 22/10/2014 14:14

I can't stand people popping round unannounced. My mum will text me 'are you in?' and I don't mind that, so she will just come round when she fancies and I go to hers at the weekend.

When I lived with ex, his mum popped round a couple of times in the beginning and it was always at s bad time, not her fault, but it was annoying. She didn't text before hand so I didn't have chance to have a tidy up whereas I wouldn't bother to tidy up for my mum.

Exes mum never came round again, because she wanted to wait for an invitation, and I assumed she would text if she wanted to pop in, just a misunderstanding really. We went to her house a lot though (and hypocritically I used to just turn up unannounced! But they were that type of people) because it was the centre of the family, where exes brother and family would pop in too, plus they always fed us Wink, and it was a nice jolly atmosphere. Plus it was home to ex and it's always nice to go home for a bit.

CMOTDibbler · 22/10/2014 14:15

Well, tbh, we don't tend to invite the PIL round, and we don't do popping in either (at the weekends we are busy, and if I'm relaxing in slob wear, I wouldn't want the PIL there). I doubt they come to our house more than once a year, and its when we invite dhs brothers as well.

If you have other children, then maybe he's happy to socialise when things are at your house, and doesn't see why you'd want to come round.

A photo of a gift would seem to be a normal thank you tbh, especially these days when its so easy to take and send one.

Also, do you offer to come round and help with things that are going on in their house/garden? Like if he posted on fb saying 'major sort out in the garden this weekend', would you say 'oh, would you like a hand'? And then get on with a job?

BettyFocker · 22/10/2014 14:15

Just to add, I live the same distance from my parents and don't invite them here often. Perhaps every 2-3 months. I see them every 3 weeks or so and tend to go there because we have a small flat, they have a house, my childhood home, and I prefer to go there really. Or I meet my DM out for lunch somewhere.