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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

249 replies

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 13:56

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 14:16

I cannot ask him.

Here's why. Once you ask, you can never be sure that you're not just invited round out of guilt. Who wants that? It would be awkward forever.

And his wife is not an introvert. I know from conversation that they have people round - just not us.

I want to be told this is normal!!!!!

OP posts:
BettyFocker · 22/10/2014 14:17

So how often do you see them? Do they come to you?

snala · 22/10/2014 14:18

What happened on the first visit op?

VitoCorleone · 22/10/2014 14:20

YANBU, say something to him.

On a different note, my mum 'pops in' unannounced every day mon-Fri, it bugs the fucking shit out of me, but how do you politely say "stop coming round all the time" to somebody who is petty????

ToniWol · 22/10/2014 14:20

I'm not sure with this. DH and I very rarely have our parents round at ours. We see them at least weekly but we tend to go to theirs. I think it's been mainly because of having to fit around various activities, work, and the fact DM isn't too confident on driving in the dark.

There's also the worry that they'll criticise the clutter (no storage space in the house whatsoever - we can't even put stuff in the loft as it's a flat roofed house!) but not sure if that may be part of it...

That said. I suspect it will change once DC1 makes an appearance.

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:22

i don't know if it's normal because it's not clear what the reason is for not being invited round. but i can think of a number of reasons why you haven't been invited very much, which aren't because they don't want you there iyswim

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:23

if you cna't tell him that you want to be invited more, then you have to invite yourself

Mammanat222 · 22/10/2014 14:23

I don't immediately think it's a huge problem or a personal insult.

Do they come and see you often? Are you in regular contact?

My home is very much my own private domain and I'd happily never have any visitors (that goes for friends as well as family) but we have big families and live close to our folks and most of our siblings. We have a house rule that people text and don't just turn up though!!!

We have a teeny flat so that is another reason I don't like having guests. I am guessing space isn't an issue for them?

I am just one of the people that prefer to visit others (god that sounds cheeky, I don't turn up with a suitcase / at dinner time etc)

I am just not a natural hostess.

BettyFocker · 22/10/2014 14:24

That would drive me up the wall Vito. Luckily I would feel I could say to my DM, "Stop coming round everyday." She texts me every week to ask if I'm free on Saturday. Sometimes I make up that I'm doing something because I just like being a lazy slob on Saturdays sometimes but I would probably hurt her feelings if I said I'm free but don't want to visit or them to visit. My DM would see me every week and then some if it was up to her. I see them every 3 weeks which is more than enough for me.

cailindana · 22/10/2014 14:24

Well if you feel you can't ask him then you have your answer right there. How can you be a mother to someone and yet be unable to sit down with them and tell them honestly how you feel? My own mother is the same - will skirt around things, be hurt and never actually talk to me. It has ruined our relationship (along with other things). I feel she doesn't trust me enough to be open with me and I am bloody sick of constantly having to guess how she is feeling.

If you want to sort this out TALK ABOUT IT!!

Otherwise, everything is going to stay the same and you will never know anything for sure.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 22/10/2014 14:25

We definitely need to know how often you see them elsewhere, and who prompts that? Not necessarily the case, but if you are already seeing them more than they want, tthey might be trying to maintain some distance/boundaries.

and some people don't like having visitors. Especially popping in ones. It sounds like you didn't realise people don't "want that" until you had already done it!

maybe they are messy. Maybe they like to walk around naked. Maybe they like having sex in the kitchen! Or the opposite, maybe their marriage is on the rocks already.

Whatever, i would say you should just accept it, forget about it, and if you get a spontaneous invite it will be a nice surprise, rather than you fishing and ending up disappointed or upsetting them.

Waltermittythesequel · 22/10/2014 14:26

Gosh I never invite my mum around! I don't have to, she's my mum.

But my parents are visitors anyway. They never visit. We always go to them.

AugustaGloop · 22/10/2014 14:26

I think it may just be that they are used to seeing you at your house (I assume you invite them to yours?). My brother has never been to visit me in the 5 years we have lived in our current house. He knows he has an open invitation to visit as I repeat it every time I see him, and have also issued some more specific invites. Neither has ever come. But my siblings all live within a few miles of each other and near my parents whereas we live several hours away. When I raised it with my brother and he basically said he always thought it easier for me to go visit them because we can see everyone at once and my parents house is the centre of the family.

squoosh · 22/10/2014 14:28

I think it's insensitive of them to not think to invite you over. And rude.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 22/10/2014 14:32

How often do they come to your house OP?

Original poster
runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 14:35

Gosh, so many posts so quickly I can't reply to all.

What happened first visit might address a few questions.

They had just moved in and we helped a bit with cleaning and decorating. We were very excited for them. So, when they had new carpets put in we asked if we could come round to see them. We invited ourselves but we texted in advance to ask if it would be ok and when would be a good time. We got a time to visit but when we got there it was obvious we had intruded. It was so uncomfortable my husband noticed! He's not usually quick on atmosphere so it has to be dead awkward before he will notice.

So, we're never again popping round and we're never again asking when would be a good time to pop round.

We're just hoping to be invited and I'm hoping to hear that it's normal that sons forget to do that.

OP posts:
ChuffMuffin · 22/10/2014 14:36

Maybe their house is a shit tip? Are they ashamed of where they live?

My rented flat has structural problems big time and there's a lot of damp in the corners of the ceilings and creeping through the wall (I'm moving out in the next few weeks, hooray!). I never invite people over because of that. My mum lives 100 miles away and my PILs the other side of the world so they can't exactly pop in, but even if they did they'd still be more than welcomed. You'll have to ask your son I think.

AnnyMummy · 22/10/2014 14:37

Do they sometimes come around to visit you?
Maybe they just find it more comfortable to visit you instead of inviting you and to clean up the whole house.
Nevertheless I would still just ask him why he doesn't want you to come over. Especially if you have such a good relationship.

ChuffMuffin · 22/10/2014 14:37

Ahh x post, sorry!

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:38

running given the fact that you had been given a time to visit, your visit may have had nothing to do with the atmosphere. they might ahve just had a disagreement, or whoever you texted hadn't checked it was ok with the other one so they had to change their plans

that's not what i call popping in unannounced anyway

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:40

unless there's more of a back story in terms of your relationship with your son and DIL i do think you're being perhaps too careful here. if you won't ask why you're not invited, and you won't invite yourself, there's not a lot you can do really

SconeRhymesWithGone · 22/10/2014 14:43

OP, we have a similar situation. My son and his wife live about a mile from us, and I have never been inside their home. They have lived there four years. We have them over for dinner, etc. and DH has been asked to go over there to help my son fix things, but we have never been invited as a couple. It's odd, I know, but I have just accepted it now.

We get along fine with them; they bring the children over; we all go out to eat regularly; we go to the children's school events. I asked only once, and my son said that DIL prefers to entertain outside the home because the house is always a mess with the kids, dog, etc.

But it is odd to think that we have been in our daughter's home, who lives 1000 miles away (we are in US), many more times than we have been in our son's home, which is walking distance.

It used to bother me but now I really don't think about it much.

Eastpoint · 22/10/2014 14:48

It might bring some consolation if I let you know that since my father moved 5 years ago I have not eaten one proper meal at his house (he lives on his own). He has come on holiday with us & eats regularly at our house. It might just be a male thing.

Mammanat222 · 22/10/2014 14:48

What happened on the first visit doesn't really address anything?

There seems to be no apparent reason for the atmosphere? You text, they gave you a time to visit?

Are you able to offer any insight into if they come to visit you? How often? Do you speak to DS often? What is the relationship like aside from this issue?

Honeybear30 · 22/10/2014 14:48

I have a great relationship with my MiL. We always go to her house and never invite to ours. There's no reason, that's just how it is. We have recently had a baby so she comes a bit more but not all that much. I think we need to know how often you see them, if it's never then YANBU. If its a lot, just not in their house then YABU, what difference does location make?