to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

[runningonwillpower]

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

Actually I have low expectations of my sons in the future, I often say to my sisters who both have two daughters, that they won't bother with DH and I when they have flown the nest.

The son is probably at the root of this.

Rollontomine

It really isn't like that at all, I do understand my uncles wife has her own life and is entitled to live it the way she likes.

I would never expect anyone to provide their children for my nan's entertainment, after all they are not my nan's children.

It would just have been nice to be allowed to get to know them a bit better. I'm not saying living in each others pockets either, a visit or being allowed to visit every now and then would have been nice.

No one has ever pushed the subject with my uncle or his wife either, or tried to be overbearing or over involved. It has been accepted that this is how things are.

My brother and i both don't invite my parents over as much as we would like because she is so snooty about our levels of cleanliness/mess. Having my mum over is 3 days of sorting and still i get comments (and its not that bad) and I don't have the time.

See life is an american soap, if you had asked your son about it nicely all those months ago you would have known where you stood. It may not have resolved the way you wanted but you would know.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. So this is all because of the first visit, during which you felt uncomfortable? This could have been just a coincidence - they were tired of moving in, maybe had a little fight and then you showed up.
And now you never ask if it's ok to pop round? Well, they might assume that you for some reason don't want to come round then and are happier meeting at yours.

I am now sitting here wondering if MIL is thinking the same as you - that we for some reason don't want to have them over. Because true, they've only been to our house a handful of times, for Xmas and so, never for just a visit. No issues there, we simply don't ask because they don't like driving on motorway, so we have assumed they would prefer if we go to theirs instead. If MIL said they'd like to visit more often, we would not have any issues though.

What baffles me with this OP is why you feel that mentioning it to your son is such a big issue. Can you really not just casually mention that you would like to come round at some point. If you can't speak frankly to your own son then I think there may be a problem with the relationship.

I find this situation pretty odd - you see your DS every 2-3 weeks, mostly either at your house or out for dinner. That's far more than I get to see my DParents and about the same amount as I see DPIL.

Does the setting really matter? I'm starting to feel paranoid now as my DP come to our house more (because they have to travel long distances) whereas we just meet up with DPIL as and when, so they haven't been round for a long while. Gosh, hope I haven't inadvertently offended anyone!

One wonders if the OPs DIL is on or following this discussion

They had most likely just had an unrelated row when you popped round before and the atmosphere was nothing to do with you...

Just try again....with a cake...

You need to think about your relationship with your son a bit more carefully, people do nt behave like this without a reason.

Do nt invite your self round,your son is making a point and you should consider his motivation.

OPs not going to come back. She's said several times she just wanted to hear that it was normal and that she wasn't looking for opinions. We're flogging a dead horse here, she's never going to admit there's a problem.

I reckon you're right Sue. It's a shame though. The OP is clearly troubled by the situation, so I'm not sure why she would choose to let it rumble on rather than considering options for trying to resolve it.

YABU

Overthinking.

For a second I thought this thread was about me.

I don't invite my MIL over because I have PTSD and am not coping.

My brother (who lives on his own) very rarely thinks to invite anyone round to his house. If I ever end up there is it because it is convenient after a meal out, or I'm picking him up to go somewhere or I want to borrow somewhere (or I'm fixing the roman blind I made for him which he seems hell bent on destroying).

There is nothing wrong with our relationship he is just a bit thoughtless.

Dropping in is also a no-no but I, personally, don't mind "i'm in the neighbourhood can I come round" texts as my parents realise that No is an acceptable answer.

There are so many reasons for an atmophere between a couple that are nothing to do with their visitors. Mil seems to have a knack at walking in on one between dh.

Our first home was a tiny studio flat. The first time she and fil came to visit dh and I had had a masive row because I'd mixed my shifts at work up and needed to leave half an hour later.
The second, third and fourth time I was ill in bed with the mumps. As I said tiny studio flat and I was up to doing less than nothing and she was just there, trying and failing to be helpful.
The fifth time she came round when fil was going to help with some diy, pre aranged and were met with me rushing out the door and a bearly a sorry something came up. A child I worked with had been rushed into hospital, serriously ill, and as I was local to it I'd been asked if I was free to offer support to the family. I couldn't explain to them but I did literally drop everything and run.

In the four and a half years we were there there was one sucessful visit for dh's birthday when I went all out to throw a party. Other than that I was studying, working 50 hours a week plus over time and generally only home for a few hours at a time other than sleeping. It never occured to dh to invite them over and they never would have asked.

Our current house mil, fil and bils visited two days after we moved in. Dh insisted they didn't want feeding despite coming at a lunch time type hour so in the midst of unpacking we didn't bother to go to the shop before the online shopping was due to come. Our move had been rushed, six day turn around from agreeing to rental on property to moving in. Two weeks I'd been signed of sick from work with broncitious then was still recovering as I manically packed up our flat. I was due to return to work for a 60 plus hour week and an important inspection due, so the house had to be made habitable in the next day and a half. It wasn't a converient time to have them to visit but was the only time they were likely to be able to see the house in the next few months due to busy shedules, dh had been hoping they would help. When they arrived dh was strugeling with a set of book shelfs and I'd just got through to a human after over an hour on hold chasing a delivery that was supposed to have arrived that evening and had an arm full of books I'd been unpacking whilst on hold. They got shown to the living room and left for the ten minutes it took to track down our new bed and sofa. Bil helped dh with the selves but the rest sat like lemons, mostly on the floor due to lack of furiture, until dh had finished. I made small talk but couldn't face setting foot in the kitchen to make tea due to morning sickness, dh and I had only found out for certain that morning and weren't ready to say anything but the smell of the tea and the kitchen made me ill. So they drank tea while I hid away. No help was offered as they didn't want to interfear and they went home well past a reasonable dinner time, hugery because they had been expecting to be fed and wondering what the hell was going on between dh and I.

They didn't visit us again until dd was born, which led to months of disatrous visits for entirely diffrent but perfectly valid reasons. Dh still sees as little of them as possiable, he realised how abusive his childhood was after dd was born and doesn't want to expose her to that but doesn't want to cut them out of his life altogether. Not wanting to imply that is ops problem in anyway because she seems very emotionally awear and sensitive unlike nmy mil who would post about her dil and son disowning her and having a problem with her!

My son also has been married 15 months but I have never been to his house, they are both happy to take expensive presents from us ie-holidays.It really hurts as my dil parents visit her often but she never calls us, I appreciate they have a small flat but it would not hurt to invite us for a tea, although they visit us often normally to go to a restaurant or have dinner at home.

I have to say I'm agog at this. I just cannot imagine not being able to carefully say something to a child about this. OP you sound like a sensitive caring woman but really, it just sounds a bit doormat to me. Is your relationship close, I know you say it is, but can you just not say..

"I would love to see your house sometime or other, any time that suits you, no hurry at all, it's just your Dad and I haven't seen where you live, and we would really like to pop round, don't worry we won't make a habit of it!"

Personally I think it is very selfish of your son for very many reasons. You're not asking for a full blown catered for 3 night stay. Just a cuppa for half an hour. You ask 'am I seeing a problem where there is none?'

I would say there well might be a problem but I would rather be open and honest with my children than worry and fester. You might have to pick the right time to say this, but you should say it! You've bought them an expensive piece of furniture so they are happy to have that from you, but to never have you over? I could not leave it.

zombie

oh sod it! Didn't see that!

am i being unreasonable in beingdissapointed that my son and his girlfriend dont ever invite us round to visit them
my son bought his flat with our help a few years ago, but moved in with his girlfriend 2.5 years ago. in that time we have never been invited over. not even for a cuppa. we have really helped them in so many ways, both financially and with support. however i know that her parents have been over and she has her sister to stay.

i cant bring myself to bring up the subject with him as i dont want to argue with them and i certainly dont want them to argue amongst themselves, but both my husband, his dad, and myself are very disappointed in him. we brought him up in a loving family environment with family values and morals, but he seems to have forgotten them.
i know they work and of course they want time to relax together, but surely to make time for his parents and grandparents every coyple of months isnt too much to ask. they seem to make time for their friends and her family.

My family all have spotless homes and my mum is critical over mess - mine is not. This is one reason i rarely invite them over. The second reason is that I try and be nice and offer to do the travelling to them, rather than everyone come to me. Third reason, I am a shit cook!

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