to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

[runningonwillpower]

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

Sorry, I haven't been dodging questions. They have just been coming too quick and fast. (And my typing is slow.)

Yes, we see them at our house. Or we go out for meals. We see them about every two or three weeks. I'd say our relationship is very good.

That's what's puzzling me.

vivi - I would keep in touch with my son by inviting him to my house but wouldn't bother with his wife.

Where, anywhere in the OPs posts does she specify that it's her DIL who is keeping her at arms length? As far as i can see it neither her son nor her DIL have invited her round. In fact, as her son is the blood relative here, i would say any annoyance should be directed mainly at him as his own parents are more his responsibility.

Ok.....ask him then!

Odd in my book.

I would keep in touch with my son by inviting him to my house but wouldn't bother with his wife.

Often its the woman who is trying to keep relations between sons and mothers going, its the DIL who is reminding of bdays, and buying gifts, so their feckless sons can pass on gifts and cards to their own mothers.

this is what I did anyway even though treated like shit.

once I was well and truly shat on, I can tell you I do not remind him of their bdays anymore there fore they do not get.

treat your dil like crap but remember things may not be what they seem.

Well then I am even more inclined to say it's nothing personal and maybe they just like their own space.

As I say I would happily never have anyone visit and as a rule my family don't (despite me being very close to them all - but my place isn't massive and I prefer to do the visiting as they have more kids and bigger places). OH's family visit a bit more but it's usually a brother popping round for the footy as opposed to PIL?

It's no reflection on how I feel about my family or OH's family, its just a preference. I prefer no guests!!

We're moving to a bigger place next month and now we have a bit more space (and DC #2 on the way) I expect a lot more visitors. Sigh...

OP do her parents go to the their house do you know? If not, maybe they just don't enjoy hosting?

in that case, it sounds as though from their POV they see you lots and the relationship is good, and they've just overlooked inviting you over. it's a bit rude, but unintentionally so, and they may just have not thought about the fact that you don't see them very much at all in their own home

if you're happy with the relationship and the amount you see them, and you're not prepared to just say "it would be really lovely to see your house now that you've settled in - i haven't seen it for ages", then there's not a lot that can be done tbh. either way, i don't think you need to take it personally unless you seek out more information that suggests otherwise

I would be feeling rather pissed off if this was one of my kids (although no rl experience as mine are teens still at school).

Do you have an OK relationship with DIL?

Perhaps the time ou went around they had just had a row and the atmosphere was less to do with you but more to do with them OR yes, it could be for whatever reason they were pissed off with your visit, but that seems odd considering it was arranged and you texted in advance.

I can't vouch for what is normal because I live an hour and a half from my family. What I can say is thank god they dont live around the corner and just pop in because my house will never reach my mums very high housework standards (although she would never say anything). Whenever they do come and visit 4 or so times a year - we have a mass cleaning frenzy. Do you think they cannot be arsed to clean before you visit? Not that I am suggesting they are living in a hovel.

I think my next step if I was in your shoes would be to say next time you get together about how you would love to pop around and see any improvements/purchases they have made to their home. Or do as suggested up thread. Text and say would love to pop over and see you one evening - let me know the day - I will bring cake/wine etc.

Guage the response you get from that before having any kind of heavy conversation ( which I know you are not keen to have).

I think if you'd said from the very beginning OP that you see them every two to three weeks then you'd have different responses on this thread.

As I said earlier on in the thread, I see my own parents this much. Usually at their house. It's never occurred to me the importance of where we meet up. I usually just think, "Haven't seen my parents in a few weeks. I'll ask if I can come over next weekend" or they will text me and ask. Every two to three weeks is probably enough for them and because they come to you and go out for meals, it hasn't crossed their minds that you would be bothered that the meet ups aren't happening at their house.

Then no, I don't believe there is any ishooos over and above that they don't think to ask.

When you visited the first time, the atmosphere could be anything! They had fallen out, they decided they didn't like the colour of the carpet, a rubbish day at work, they had forgotten.

I would simple say 'me and your dad would love to pop around for a cuppa and see they bed/sofa/table in place, just let us know when you are free.'

No guilt trip there.

When they come to you, is it usually/often for a meal?

Maybe they cba to reciprocate?

Next time he suggests that they come over, say that you'll go to them to see the new furniture & make it at a time that they won't need to feed you?

Interesting because unless you are forcing/begging them to visit or go out every few weeks your relationship does sound good. I know you were put off by your one drop in but I think its worth another go. Can you be absolutely 100% sure that the atmosphere when you visited before was because of you, maybe they had had an argument or something? One more go isn't likely to make things worse and I do partly agree with you that asking outright why you're not invited may not be helpful.

Also although you know other visit are you sure DIL' family visit. Its possible she is used to going to her parents and not the other way and assumes you are the same.

Its funny because you sound like a lovely Mum, polite/respectful but interested in your son's new life. My Mum never wants to visit and always demands I visit her. She visits occasionally now to see DD but makes a big deal out of it and thinks I should call in to see her every 5 minutes!

they almost certainly see your home as the "family home" OP, which is the way DP sees his parents' i think. if they like us don't have children, it's easy for that to be the pattern

i don't think you can set too much store by the atmosphere the first time, which could have been caused by anything and be completely unrelated to you

I just thought of something else. The first time they asked us to babysit, they wanted to bring the children (both toddlers) to our house and they would pick them up at 11:00 pm or so. DH said no, we will come to your house so they can go to bed because they will be bouncing off the walls until all hours at ours. They ended up taking the children to her parents instead. It's obvious they really don't want us in their house. But I don't think her parents are invited there either.

this is definitely making me consider whether we invite dp's parents to ours enough. his brother (who lives at home) comes over to watch rugby with dp which is obviously a very informal and last-minute thing, but not his parents

Are you sure you just hadn't caught them at a bad moment, post argument or something so it wasn't anything to do with you bur more a general atmosphere?

I rarely invite my mum round - she can't drive, its a pain in the arse as you have to get her and bring her back and it's a big "event" and I get all stressed, FiL pops in occasionally.

How often do you want to see them?

Did you go over to their old house, or is this the first time they have lived together? Erm i don't know how to say this without being rude, but could it be you stay a little too long? So they rather come to you so they can leave when they are ready, sorry i am sure that is not the case, .... maybe they have a secret room (thinking 50shades) and are worried you might spot it !

It depends on what is normal for your family. Do you have other children and if so how often do you see them?

I think you should send a text suggesting that you call at a particular time for coffee and if that time doesn't suit then ask him to suggest an alternative time. Keep the visit short and see how it goes - build on things from there.

As an aside - I have two sisters in law who live less than half a mile from each other in a rural location. SIL A is constantly giving out to me about SIL B about how they are never invited to SIL Bs house. Yet whenever I invite SIL A to our house (an hours drive) she has an excuse and doesn't come. People can be odd about visiting. I think you can't go too far wrong with suggesting a short visit every now and again.

And you never know what is really going on in someone's life - it sounds awful but maybe they've sort of "forgotten" about you when they are dealing with other stuff?? Maybe they are dealing with infertility? Maybe one of them had an affair? And they are too immersed in their own lives to deal with much else?

i think both sides are odd and you need to ask him and chat about it.

when your with them, so frequently listen to yourself talking, are you being respectful, do you critise, how is your dil with you, can she enjoy herself and have a laugh?

does she feel or seem formal, uptight, un able to relax?

what do you talk to her about? does she chat to you?

are you more wealthy? are all backgrounds roughly same ( just thinking some people are intimated by money ) do you view/treat her like you have gained a dd, do you have other children a daughter? do you treat your dc the same?

ask your dh to watch interactions next tiem.

I don't think this is odd - we don't really like either sets of parents being in our house. My parents have been maybe 3 times in 2 years and they live 1/4 mile away - we do see them twice a week at their house.
ILs have been once by invite which was fine and turned up once uninvited which was horrible and really upset me.

Ohmypants, my DM does this. A weekday visit is a day long event. It's not too bad now DS is at nursery in the morning, so I usually suggest coming over after or going straight out for lunch somewhere. But when DS was a baby and she would come visit on a weekday, she would come at 10am in a taxi (she doesn't drive and neither do I) and stay until 6pm! When my DF would come collect her straight from his work. Now DS is at nursery we would usually go out for lunch and then she stays until 6pm when DF picks her up

I am slightly wondering why, when you see them regularly for meals out (so not always at your own house) and have a positive and loving relationship with both DS and DDIL, you feel that you need this invitation? I'm not attacking you, just saying that it sounds like you already have a good relationship and that you're perhaps worrying unnecessarily here.

I realise there is a natural curiosity etc. but some people are, for a variety of reasons, very private about their own space. Since this is a relatively new house, it could also be that they are waiting until they have finished doing work to it to have guests so that they can show off the finished article! Alternatively, they may be knackered and dislike the whole hosting thing - hence the emphasis on going out. All legitimate reasons for the lack of invitation.

I think it's odd that they haven't once invited you in 14m.
I understand that you want to wait for an invitation after your first uncomfortable experience; but I think that it's possible that they've got the vibe that you don't want to go around to theirs.
Equally it's possible that your DIL fears that you will judge her housekeeping etc. and so doesn't invite you.
Or that they just don't think of it.

However, I do think you're being over-precious not wanting to suggest that it would be nice to see them in their home because you don't want to be invited out of guilt - this is the way that misunderstandings are perpetuated, because no one will address them.

So next time you're out with them, just say you hope that the piece of furniture is fitting in well with their decor, how's that going by the way, you haven't seen it since they first moved in, is it looking very different now? If they skirt offering an invitation, then they don't want you to come around, and you may need to address this directly with your son and ask him if there's a problem.