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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

249 replies

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 13:56

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/10/2014 14:50

Well I think it's a nerve. I don't agree with people living in each other's pockets and visiting several times a week but it's really bad of them to have invited you once in all that time. I would keep in touch with my son by inviting him to my house but wouldn't bother with his wife. And if he doesn't come that would be up to him. I wouldn't set foot in their house as a point of principle. Really all this pussyfooting round people whose behaviour is disgraceful is not something I do any more.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 14:52

running

Why cant you talk to your son, why on earth would it have to be awkward forever more if you merely asked in a nice way about visiting?

Can you not just say to him - i feel very bad we seemed to have intruded in past, we would never want to do that, if there another reason we have not been intimated round, i know relationships with in laws can be tricky and your father and I do not want to impose on you, but at the same time, we do think its odd we have not bene invited round and we are worried we have upset you or the wife in some way, and if so can we dicuss it and perhaps clear the air?

Op often, when son gets married etc it can show up the relationship he had with his parents, which sometimes isnt good.

it shows in that you feel you cant simply chat to him. ask him if everything is OK.

RandomMess · 22/10/2014 14:52

how often do you invite them around to yours?

PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 14:53

really viviennemary? without more information that seems a bit antagonistic, especially if the OP won't even sit down and talk about it openly with her son

Mammanat222 · 22/10/2014 14:54

all this pussyfooting round people whose behaviour is disgraceful

It's hardly disgraceful behaviour is it? I mean yes it's bad etiquette, a bit weird and could be construed as a rude BUT I'd draw the line at "disgraceful" Shock

I am assuming they have a decent relationship other than this issue (OP has not alluded to any other problems)

Chippednailvarnish · 22/10/2014 14:54

so, we're never again popping round and we're never again asking when would be a good time to pop round

Then sit in silence and suffer. Your choice.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 14:58

When my DH first moved out to my house, I encouraged him to ask him mum round.

I think this massively put her nose out of joint, she only stayed for a cup of tea ( i wasn't there) and the invitation to come round put her nose out of joint because later she said to friends in front of us " we could never pop in to so and so;s house"

At that time they would have been more than welcome to pop round but saldy not anymore because every single time they had been round since they critised us o the house.

diddl · 22/10/2014 14:59

So how often do you see them?

Maybe they prefer to visit at yours?

Maybe they thought that you felt uncomfortable at theirs?

Viviennemary · 22/10/2014 14:59

I know it was harsh. And that's how family feuds start. But the point is why go somewhere you're not wanted or even ask why. It's horrible treatment and no amount of excuses will make it right. Unless there is some kind of backstory and the OP has them at her house every week. It does depend on how often she sees them.

diddl · 22/10/2014 15:00

Maybe they are waiting for t=you to ask when you can visit?

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 15:00

my DH parents wouldnt see this though they think they are lovely and wouldnt understand why they are not so welcome anymore.

HearMyRoar · 22/10/2014 15:00

Do you think there is a thread on mn somewhere from the dil saying 'Why does my mil never visit? She came round once but it was really awkward and she has never come back. What did I do wrong?'

To me this all sounds like everyone being rather over sensitive. Maybe they had been having a hard time moving and decorating (or had just as a row over the carpets) last time so just weren't feeling all that sociable. Maybe they found it awkward too and thought it was you rather then them, so think you don't want to come round. Perhaps they are worrying that if they invite you round you will only come because you would feel you had to and 'nobody wants that'.

Seriously, get over it and just ask to visit. If it's still crap a second time you maybe have something to worry about.

WitchWay · 22/10/2014 15:02

Seems odd you "intruded" when they had texted a time you could visit, rather than your just turning up PILs did that once & we were in bed on a Sunday afternoon

What happens with her parents?
Do they come to you?
Do you meet them for meals out?

You need to discuss it with them, otherwise this is going to run & run. Perhaps they're thinking "we're never going to contact them again because it was a bit awkward last time"...

diddl · 22/10/2014 15:02

When I married it seemed really awkward having parents round to "our house".

i think that we all felt a little odd, it was a new thing!

Original poster
runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 15:04

Cailindana - life is not an American soap when you can just sit down and sort it out over a conversation. It's really not. Every conversation has a consequence. And I can see no good consequence from such a conversation. He behaves pleasingly to me through guilt? That's one outcome but I don't want that.

The tone of your post suggests that I am less of a mother because I'm not confrontational. I'm not 'skirting' or sulking, I'm just trying to figure it out whilst being respectful of his and his wife's own right to their lives.

OP posts:
PumpkinGordino · 22/10/2014 15:06

do you see them frequently outside their home? who does the inviting?

cailindana · 22/10/2014 15:07

Fair enough. If you believe he won't be honest with you and just see you out of guilt then it's a bit pointless anyway.

Steben · 22/10/2014 15:10

My SIL has never once, in all her 44 years (moved out when 19) invited PIL to her house or for dinner. To my knowledge they have seen her new house once and that was when they insisted on stopping by to drop off a gift. I find that seriously odd, but MIL IS NOT AN EASY WOMAN and a bit of a clean freak so maybe that is why. Oops no idea what's going on with caps there

MaidOfStars · 22/10/2014 15:10

OP, I haven't seen an answer to the question about how often and where you do see them?

diddl · 22/10/2014 15:13

Op you didn't intrude before as you didn't just turn up.

For some reason things were odd, but are you saying that you haven't been there since or seen them since?

If the former then they perhaps just think that you don't want to go there.

If the latter then they are surely wondering what they have done wrong?

He's your son, just call up & say that ypu'd love to see the new furniture & can they let you know when?

Mammanat222 · 22/10/2014 15:13

OP, you have been asked several times now

Do you see them at your house?
How often do you see / speak to them?
Is your relationship in general OK?

I really don't see what the big deal is with asking your son - considering how much it seems to bother you?

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 15:14

He behaves pleasingly to me through guilt? That's one outcome but I don't want that .

why on earth do you think this?

you sound un sure of your relationship with him full stop,

take a massive step back from the whole situation and have a good look at your relations with your son. ask people you know for their honest opinions, do they think your a good MIl, do they think your behaviour has affected them in some way. be brutally honest with yourself and look at your own behaviour.

i know from personal experience some people would rather do anything than simply look at their own behaviour which is fine, but if GC come, i assume you want to see them?

scrutinise yourself first.

AugustaGloop · 22/10/2014 15:15

Why wont you answer how often you invite them to yours (or see them on neutral territory).

My MIL once called DH on not phoning her often enough. He now phones more often. You could say this is through guilt, and it is maybe guilt that prompted him, but in reality it had never really occurred to him that she might like to speak to him more often and he enjoys their conversations.

On the other hand, one of my brothers treats my parents terribly. They never, ever, call him on it because they are scared it will make things worse. Because he is never called on it, he has become worse. I really cannot see how my parents calling him on it could make it even worse than it is.

Do you know how often her family visit?

HoneyTits · 22/10/2014 15:15

Hmm, I'm on the fence here.

IME I've never invited pils round but if they want to come over anytime want, they don't need an invite. Same with my dm. The only thing I would want is a text/call so I can have a quick tidy up (not bothered about my dm ringing first though as I know she won't judge me haha) so maybe it's the same for your ds and dil. They might be thinking you don't want to visit and don't want to ask in case they get a guilt visit. The time you went over they might have just had an argument and the atmosphere was because of that?

Saying that, as a dm to two ds's I would like to think I could pop round after a text/call but maybe future dil wouldn't like that so I would hope to be invited round for a cuppa every now and again.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 15:17

Op you didn't intrude before as you didn't just turn up
exactly there is more to this.

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