to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

[runningonwillpower]

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

@wowzer1

am i being unreasonable in beingdissapointed that my son and his girlfriend dont ever invite us round to visit them my son bought his flat with our help a few years ago, but moved in with his girlfriend 2.5 years ago. in that time we have never been invited over. not even for a cuppa. we have really helped them in so many ways, both financially and with support. however i know that her parents have been over and she has her sister to stay. i cant bring myself to bring up the subject with him as i dont want to argue with them and i certainly dont want them to argue amongst themselves, but both my husband, his dad, and myself are very disappointed in him. we brought him up in a loving family environment with family values and morals, but he seems to have forgotten them. i know they work and of course they want time to relax together, but surely to make time for his parents and grandparents every coyple of months isnt too much to ask. they seem to make time for their friends and her family.

You’d probably be better starting a new thread instead of posting on this really old one, you’ll get more replies

I want to be told this is normal!!!!!

Hmm, I guess everyone is different but that certainly wouldn’t be normal for my family. They live locally and we see them loads.

That’s quite sad, OP. Did you go to theirs much where they lived before they got this house/married? How is your relationship generally?

Oops, didn’t see this was a zombie!

Tbh I never invite my in-laws round, except on DD bday or if I know they will be in the area and they are 9 miles away. We have a much smaller house, that we are doing up bit by bit. They don’t have much reason to be passing where as there house is on the way to closest town or village for us etc. It’s much more comfortable for us all to be at theirs. I like it this way as MIL is pretty rigid about times she wants to visit/be out and about e.g. 10/10.30 and I just can’t face that on a day off at mine with a baby/toddler. They’d rather we go to them anyway and never offer to come here so I don’t worry about it.

Why is someone digging up threads from 2014?!

this is bizarre! OP are you sure he isnt a secret hoarder and his house is actually a dive?!

My folks let themselves into my house even when im not in, different as i am the daughter and they are my parents not in laws! but yikes!

yes they are unreasonable and i feel really bad for you OP, people have been really awful to you on this thread!

Hi OP

I rarely invite my parents round to mine as it’s stressful for me having them here (getting things clean/ wearing something presentable lol).

However I will pop in once a week so we have a balance that way. We also, like you, regularly go out for meals etc. So I don’t think the situation is totally weird! As long as you’re seeing them at yours and have a good relationship otherwise I think it’s all fine.

What is with all the zombie threads today!?

Wow I'm on this thread! I suddenly feel really old!

I wonder what happened to the op and her son.

I think I’m one of the least in your face MILs there are but actually I do find that a bit odd (especially the photo of the furniture).

In my family we invite ourselves round to visit. We rarely invite others to us, for risk of putting them out. Maybe DIL is from a similar family?

@areyoubeingserviced

I am really close to my mother , however she rarely visits my home. I adore my mother , but I prefer to visit her at the 'family' home

Same. I'm married and live a ten minute walk from my mother. I have had her over for dinner maybe ten times in ten years we have lived here, but we both see her every single day. As other posters have said - I was born in that house - it's still the family home to me, and why would I invite her to my place? You have made me think OP - that perhaps I am wrong and should invite her here - even though it isn't a very warm or comfy house tbh.

If you see them every 3 weeks I don’t think there’s a major problem. 14 months isn’t super long. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt.

You've been there once in 14 months? That's very strange. Ask him outright why they never ask you round.

I've only just seen that this was originally posted 7 years ago!

We are guilty of not inviting either set of parents to visit. This isn’t because we don’t love them or even like spending time with them it is purely because we are so busy with jobs etc and any time off is rare. The thought of having to ready the house for visitors and plan food etc is not as exciting as the opportunity for a pj day and a Netflix binge. We do see them but it’s not usually at our house

Hi OP,

My mother has only visited one of my adult homes, once. I love her dearly and we have a great relationship but a) her home is more comfortable b) it means I do the travelling and don’t make her do it c) I’m a little ashamed I don’t have a posher/nicer/tidier home. I’ve just realised she may feel as you do thanks to your post, never crossed my mind.

Cailindana - life is not an American soap when you can just sit down and sort it out over a conversation. It's really not. Every conversation has a consequence. And I can see no good consequence from such a conversation. He behaves pleasingly to me through guilt? That's one outcome but I don't want that.

That is one outcome…or you could just have a conversation where you understand each other’s POV more. He might say ‘oh - never crossed my mind!’ You might say ‘love, we don’t mind if the ironing is out - truly!’ Yes, conversations have consequences and it does seem odd to me that you have predicted a single negative consequence out of having this perfectly normal conversation with your son.

Offs ZOOMMMMBIIEEEE

Seems a bit extreme to stop popping round after a single awkward visit. There could be lots of reasons - just had a row themselves, tired, in a rush, upset about something at work. Maybe try it again before you stop going round

Drives me nuts that MIL thinks she has to be invited to our home. She is more than welcome to call and ask if she can come up on x date, just as the rest of my family does.

Do your children wait to be invited to your home?

Offs ZOOMMMMBIIEEEE

Gah! I missed that too! I wish MN would put a block on responding, you can’t always tell on the App!

Don't do this. "I'll pop round", as if the decision is already made. Completely oversteps any boundaries and just a complete lack of respect.

If you see them often and your relationship is good, why do you feel the need to go to their house?
It's a genuine question as you sound lovely, I'm just wondering if you're truly missing out on anything as long as you see them?
Maybe they just prefer to come to yours, for a change of scenery, maybe they're just not keen on having visitors, or they can't be bothered to clean/tidy for visitors. It can be as simple as that.
I much prefer to be at my ILs and my parents than receiving them. We have a very busy life and I like ve being catered for. The payback is that we always travel to see them

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

It was 10 years ago