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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

249 replies

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 13:56

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 22/10/2014 15:43

I moved out four years ago and have never invited my parents over. I moved 50 miles away just over a year ago to live with my DP and I wouldn't dream of asking them to visit the flat, I just simply hate having people in my home. I feel anxious and uncomfortable.

I visit my parents when I have time, they come through here and we go for lunch and do a bit of shopping, they bought us a beautiful dining table and chairs as a present and seemed perfectly happy with the photo I sent to say thanks. Maybe I'm weird.

pinkpeoniesplease · 22/10/2014 15:44

We see my husbands parents very infrequently. We have a 6 month old whom his father has seen 3 times. They live a couple of hours away which obviously has some effect on this.
I have come to realise that men (sorry to generalise) just do not think to initiate contact or make arrangements. I am very clear that they're his family to include in our lives and whilst I (mostly) welcome them I do not want a situation where it is my role to facilitate meet ups, family events etc, I have that with my own family.
Recently our son was in hospital and my first reaction is to call my Mum for advice and support whereas it is not even on his radar to inform his parents. I would actually describe their relationship as fairly close.

My point is, don't take it personally, why not suggest get togethers and see what response you get? You don't want this to be the course your relationship takes...

pinkpeoniesplease · 22/10/2014 15:45

Also, I personally don't enjoy having people over. Even people I love dearly.

SomeSunnySunday · 22/10/2014 15:48

Do you think that your DIL just does things a bit differently to you? We don't 'invite' PILs round much, although I am trying to make more of an effort with this. The thing is that we never invite my parents round, and don't have to - they regularly call and ask when they could come over to see the GCs / whether we'll be in on X day because they are passing nearby. It's all very ad hoc, and we might see them 3 times in a week then not again for 3 weeks, but nobody is keeping tabs.

By contrast PILs do seem to wait for an invitation (and for something specific - e.g. a lunch), and because I'm not used to this I'm bad at forgetting to invite them, or just filling up our weekends with other things, so that we don't have time to invite them over (as it's always a "big deal" that knocks out a whole day and involves me cooking etc). I wish they'd be a bit more proactive about meeting up, because I would like to see more of them and I do realise that they get overlooked a bit by us. It's a fine line though - I'm glad that neither of our sets of parents are the sort to drop in completely unannounced, but at the same time I find it odd, with family, to always have to issue a formal invitation.

Pico2 · 22/10/2014 15:48

We live with a rather chaotic house. Not dirty, just untidy. I hate people dropping in.

Also when a house is new, parents can make "helpful suggestions" which can be really grating. My DM has a habit of this. Things like "here's a plan I sketched of a design for your kitchen" or "I think you should switch DD to the other bedroom". I find this irritating as it isn't her house. DH finds it really intrusive.

SomeSunnySunday · 22/10/2014 15:50

And (just to add) DH is so bloody disorganised that he barely manages to organise meeting his own friends for a beer after work... Although he loves them dearly, I wonder whether, if I left it to him, we would ever see his family again! Unfortunately he leaves the social side of things entirely to me.

soaccidentprone · 22/10/2014 15:53

Pico2. My fil does this too. And we have lived here 12 years now. He doesn't seem capable of saying positive things, only criticising. He's a lovely man most of the time, but i find him very hard work (and always have done).

docpeppa · 22/10/2014 15:54

YANBU at all, stories like this upset me. My grandmother went through the same thing with my uncle and his wife.

She was never invited round and hardly got to know her grandchildren. Who are 19 and 22 now. This is all because of my uncles wife and my stupid uncle for wanting a quiet life.

They Have two sons and I hope his wife gets a taste of her own medicine when the two boys marry and have children.

I saw how much this hurt my nan over the years and she has eventually accepted it, which I think is sad.

With my own MIL, I try to go out of my way to include her in our home and with her grandchild, as I don't feel any mother/grandmother should have to endure what my nan did. Apart from when DD was first born we have always had a wonderful relationship and I value her as a second mother.

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt OP, maybe try and arrange some visits, rather than waiting for an invite. If excuses keep pouring in then it's time to have a chat with your son xx

outofcontrol2014 · 22/10/2014 15:56

I have in laws who constantly, constantly angle for an invitation to our house. Because they live 5 hours' drive away, they used to come for 5 days!! By dint of strong effort, we managed to get this down to them arriving on the Thursday night and leaving the Monday morning. The Monday thing is a PITA because they have no notion at all that we have to go to work, so they will spend hours in the bathroom, then faff about packing their stuff so they don't normally leave until at least 11am by which time DH will have had to leave I am usually going spare.

They are very difficult house guests, who demand a constant programme of activities (there has to be an itinerary!), three course meals, and lots of expensive wine. It is absolutely draining and it costs hundreds and we simply don't have the money.

We haven't invited them for a bit because we spent weekend after weekend visiting them in the first half of the year due to GFIL (who lived close to them) being very ill, and then sadly dying. Already in the second half of the year, we have seen them for two weekends away from home, one to celebrate a family birthday which cost over £1000!! They can afford this, but I have been working less lately due to ill health and it crippled us. Despite this, they act like we have been negligent not inviting them and we get hint after hint on the matter, which is wearing because we literally exhausted ourselves physically and financially trying to support them earlier in the year and we haven't actually had a holiday ourselves at all as a result! No matter what we sacrifice it isn't enough.

Thumbwitch · 22/10/2014 15:57

My DH, otoh, is always suggesting his mother comes over.
When we first moved out here, we stayed at her house for 6w before we moved in to ours; and then she was over here every bloody day, it felt like, some days before feckin' breakfast! I had a Word with DH and said it needed to be reduced drastically - he'd be happy for her to be here every day, I can't cope with more than 2 or 3 times a week.

MaryWestmacott · 22/10/2014 15:58

OP - you see your DS regularly, it might just not occur to them they need to arrange additional meet ups at theirs.

I also wouldn't assume the akwardness at that first visit was because they never want you there, like others have said, they could have been mid argument. Your DIL might not have been told until just before you were coming that your DS had arranged for you to come over (DH did that to me a couple of times!). Your DIL might have had a list as long as her arm of things to do that day and was pissed off DS arranged for you to visit without checking with her first.

You might have been a little pushy about when to visit on a weekend they didn't really have the time if they were mid-house rennovation...

That they will come over to yours or go out with you suggests that both your DS and your DIL like your company, it could well be the case that your DIL has said that your DS has to do all the 'effort' involved with hosting his side, cook any meal, do the 'pre-visit clean' - he can't be arsed so just arranges to see you at yours or out. (which might explain why they do seem to host other people)

Another thought, do you make Delia look like an amateur/keep your house like a show home now you don't have small DCs in it? It could be your DIL feels a bit intimidated and doesn't feel she can measure up, that might explain the inviting you to go out with them when it's their 'turn' to host.

Thumbwitch · 22/10/2014 15:59

outofcontrol - I'd be pretty blunt with them and say "you can come if you like, but we haven't the time to organise your stay and we haven't the money to feed you as you'd like - but if you still want to come and see your family then you're welcome. Here's a key - lock up when you leave on Monday morning as we both have work to go to"

everygalaxy · 22/10/2014 16:04

I feel reassured that other people don't like having others in their home (even people they love and get on with). I had always thought that was just me Smile

Iggi999 · 22/10/2014 16:08

We always visit the in-laws, they never come to us. This does offend me sometimes, even though I wouldn't want excessive visits, it feels like they won't make the effort.

JessieMcJessie · 22/10/2014 16:18

Just arrange another visit in the same way you arranged the last one. If the atmosphere is odd again you'll know there's a real issue. But perhaps they were just having a bad day the last time.

Original poster
runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 16:20

Another thought, do you make Delia look like an amateur/keep your house like a show home

That's a hell no.

I wasn't actually looking for advice on how to deal with this, I just wanted an objective take on it because I don't want to see a problem where there is none and I don't want to make a problem where there is none.

Having read through the posts I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm being over-sensitive. It is what it is.

Thanks to everyone who has responded.

OP posts:
DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 22/10/2014 16:26

It's normal to not be invited, there are any number of reasons for that.

It is completely NOT normal for them to agree a time for you to visit and then to make you feel uncomfortable while you're there. The only explanation I can think of for that is they'd just been arguing and the atmosphere was nothing to do with your visit.

Otherwise I'm flummoxed, because that's awfully rude.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 16:39

I am sorry you feel defensive.
I am just sure there is more to this and two sides and all that.

I would be very hurt not to be invited to my DC house when older, but I would have to ask myself why that is, should that ever be the case and look at my own behaviour first.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 16:40

BTW I think you have read what you want to read Grin

Original poster
runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 16:45

I would be very hurt not to be invited to my DC house when older, but I would have to ask myself why that is, should that ever be the case and look at my own behaviour first.

BTW I think you have read what you want to read grin

I'm curious to know how you justify those remarks. Seems like a lot of speculation based on little or nothing I have said about my relationship with my son.

OP posts:
Greengrow · 22/10/2014 16:47

I wouldn't dread of just popping in. My parents never did and their parents never did. Also it depends on the family. In ours people leave for university and tend to move hundreds of miles away and see each other a few times a year. Even my daughter in London we aren't in and out of each other's places all the time because we are busy or have better things to do. I think you should just be glad they are happy. Perhaps if you took on a second job or got a bit busier with your own life this would cease to be such an issue for you.

What about other contact? We have a family whatsapp group and we do emails too (which are much less intrusive) and that works well. Other people chat on phones a lot.

PeppermintInfusion · 22/10/2014 16:48

My DH complains about his dmil never "popping round", they live a similar distance away. She says she doesn't want to impose, he reckons she should just call in (if we're not in, it's hardly out of her way etc). So perhaps it's just the same situation in reverse? My DM calls a little more regularly, though tends to text in advance anyway.
I would test the water and see what sort of reaction you'd get.

MrsAtticus · 22/10/2014 16:53

YANBU, although all families are different of course. Maybe you could approach the issue in a non-confrontational way, and try to come to some arrangement whereby everyone is happy. I can understand about not wanting to be popped in on unexpectedly, it's nice to know when people are coming.
We see my parents, who live 1 hour away, almost every week (they normally come to our house due to transport issues), I think it would be less if we didn't have kids as they clearly like the grandchildren more than us
My in laws are abroad.

AgathaF · 22/10/2014 16:55

I think you are a little over-sensitive. You've had some great suggestions on this thread, but you say you don't want them. You just want to be told it's normal. It's obviously not that normal.

Maybe you should ask yourself why you are at such pains to let this be, without raising it with your son. The situation is unlikely to improve without some kind of intervention now. Perhaps they are offended that you don't offer to visit them? Perhaps they don't feel good enough for you? You will never know unless you ask, yet you are just happy to let this state of play run on?

AskYourselfWhy · 22/10/2014 16:56

I think it's probably a DIL issue. Possibly a control thing. If they have other people over then it can't be because the house is a tip.

I have two brothers and a sister who all live close to my parents. My parents do go to their sons houses but its much, much more infrequent then how often they go to my sisters or mine (and I live miles away).

I don't think my brothers would mind my parents going over more often but they are too lazy to actually act on it. My SILs are both controlling and a bit lazy. (...I am lovely too them in person) They are happy to go to my parents to eat and drink but they are too lazy to reciprocate and as it should really be both my brothers responsibility to organise an invite nothing ever gets done.

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a similar senerio with your son, it's not that they don't like you, more that both your DS and your DDIL are too lazy to actually do it.

I think it's pretty shabby behaviour but I'm not sure there is much you can do. You have to wonder that if they have kids they might suddenly start wanting you to visit so that you can babysit.