to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

[runningonwillpower]

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

I think you should just be glad they are happy. Perhaps if you took on a second job or got a bit busier with your own life this would cease to be such an issue for you.

I am glad they are happy. I love them.

And I do have a job.

And I was only asking in the first place because I didn't want to make it 'such an issue' if it were only me being over-sensitive. That I was prepared to hear and said so up front.

Totally normal, don't worry , my PIL have been 'formally' over maybe twice in our whole 2years of marriage, my parents have never been over for dinner.

Very very occasionally my mum pops in for a cuppa but always texts first.

Have a good relationship with both sets of parents and see them regularly doing other stuff.

I expect it will increase when we have kids, but for now we would rather go out, less washing up!

As another issue, it was a little awkward when we first got married as we hadn't lived together before and I guess we were just getting used to it all, so I wouldn't worry about that. You never know they might just have had an argument and it was nothing about you at all.

I think you sound like a lovely sensitive M/MIL. I wonder if they're waiting for you to invite yourselves round?
Next time you go out for a meal say "we'd love to come & see the dining room table, it looked for perfect in the photos". You could call in for coffee on the way home.

I think how often you see them is more important than where you see them. If you're seeing them every 2-3 weeks that sounds quite alot to me.
We both work and I have having visitors. we do have relatives round but that's because they visit some distance away. If they lived locally I'd rather just meet at a pub or restaurant.
If older relatives are coming (sibs are OK) I feel I have to have everywhere tidy which is just too much of a fangle. I do invite my inlaws round for dinner sometimes but because his mum does multicourse meals feel I should do the same so don't do it that often as its time consuming. If we could all just get a take away or go out I'd have more fun. Being visited isn't fun for me it's stressful.

"hate" having visitors not have, although hate is a bit extreme, I'd just rather go out and let someone else cook and not have to worry about the state the house is in (mess not dirt)

OP, when I was married, my (Ex)H much preferred to visit his parents, and the old family home, than invite them to ours. I think there were all sorts of possible reasons.

I know he was ridiculously ashamed of our normal clutter, which used to annoy me as we had small children and we could hardly be minimalist. But I honestly couldn't be arsed with the argument, so we just went to his parents'.

And he just liked going home, I reckon.

Why do you have to go to their house? If you see them out for meals ect.. What's the issue ?

I lived on my own with dd1 for a long time before I met dp snd moved in together.

What a shock that was MIL and FIL just walked in, no knock, phone call anything then sit there for hours expecting me to make conversation while dp messed about in garage, kitchen , phone . I hated it.

Now at least I get a knock 30 seconds before they march in. None if my other family member come to my home because they know I like my personal space.

I don't visit dd1 at her apartment either - we meet every Friday on her lunch break.

Don't get too hung up over it.

God yeah "We got a time to visit but when we got there it was obvious we had intruded. It was so uncomfortable my husband noticed!"

They were probably in the middle of a massive row and it was nothing to do with you. Or maybe e.g. your DIL was feeling really ill and had asked your son to invite you another day, and he had refused. Or they'd had some bad news. Could have been anything, but if you still get on I bet it's nothing to do with you.

If you don't want to sit down and talk it out (and I agree, we're not in Dawson's Creek and it can be hard!), how about you just invite yourselves over again? They've probably long forgotten the first visit, and wonder why they always have to visit you at yours :)

I have friends (I know that's different) who when we want to meet always invite me round to theirs, never suggest the other way round, and to be honest it makes me feel like they prefer to host and maybe CBA to come over to my place.

And if you do go round, for the love of God don't mention ANYTHING about the decor or state of the house, or offer to do anything to it. It will probably be perceived as criticism even if you're trying to be nice.

I'm one of those who just hates having people over to my house.

It's nothing personal, obviously I love my family and friends, it's just my space.

I wouldn't take this to heart, there are probably a wealth of reasons why they haven't invited you (although you really could just ask?)

Why don't you invite them Elephant? I do think it's more polite to wait to be invited than invite yourself so they maybe wonder why you never invite them round.
With children it's a bit different though, my son has just started at uni and I phone and ask him if there's a good day to pop round and take him out to dinner. I suspect if it was one of my kids I'd phone them (not their partner) and ask if I can see the house and visit or if they prefer not to have visitors.
Some of this is a generation thing with younger people more used to socialising outside the house.

YANBU
Would it be possible to for you ask if you could pop round for a quick cup of tea one day ? I know you wouldn't outstay your welcome because from your post you sound very sensitive. If you get a negative response I think you would be reasonable to have a quiet word with your son and ask what the problem is. Is the wife excessively house proud for example so does she feel intimidated ?( unnecessarily ) I used to have a SIL who couldn't have anyone over unless she and the house looked perfect. Ridiculous, and upsetting for family who just don't care about mess etc.

I think it's a bit weird but not at all unusual for a guy not to invite people over. If your DIL is not inclined towards being a hostess and being the organiser, then I can see why it wouldn't happen.

I take it there are no invitations forthcoming for Christmas, cocktails, NY etc. ?

I think also that some homes are just naturally more sociable than others? If it's a new home, with brand spanking new clean carpets and not a lot of comfy tatty armchairs to pile people into it can be a bit of a deterrent to the owners to an impromtu casual invitation? Does that make sense? Even more so if your DIL and DS are not experienced hosts. Weirdly it can take quite a bit of practice to get good at having people over without it being a stressful occasion.

Sorry OP-my parents live 3 miles away & rarely come to our house, even though we're at theirs most days & they look after the kids. It's just busy lives & home from work is downtime. Have they any children?

I can't be bothered with the effort of cooking a meal for people. Try to instigate a conversation about a good local takeaway & say maybe sometime they could come round to you for said takeaway or you go to theirs if it's easier.

It clearly bothers you as it would me so I think you. Should address it. Good luck

We always agree end times too by the way so everyone can get the precise time in their diary and organise their meals and day around it. We find families who just pop in or have chaotic lives very different. No one is right or wrong - it's just that people differ. Nothing worse than not knowing how long someone is staying. Last visit to my daughter we said we would be there about an hour and would eat once we got back to our own house so she knew what to do about her own dinner that evening and how long we would there to fix her work and social ife around it. That would be very different from other families of course where people seem to sit around with acres of time doing very little not sure how to fill it in.

If I saw my PIL every 2-3 weeks then I'd be concerned that in iting them over would double that.

How sad CMOT. Yes talk to him and ask to come round. They say a daughter is a daughter all of your life, a son is a son till he gets him a wife

Op I think you have a brilliant attitude. Absolutely, why make more of it than it is? I dont think it's particularly odd- it's clearly more about them than you, who knows maybe they indulge in mildly unusual sexual practices and would be mortified if you saw something incriminating? and as you say, you have a good relationship with them.

On a side note I do love - genuinely- greengrow's posts. Everyone is very rich, very organised and with fabulous social lives. The exact opposite of me and my family . They are, aren't they green? Everyone wearing boden. And going to parties at Matthew Freud's house and having dinner parties. Amazing

By the sounds of it they probably haven't thought of inviting you as they see you so much anyway or perhaps their house is a bit of a tip.

You sound very considerate and aware so not the type of person who turns up and refuses to leave (if you are that's the problem) so I think that the first time you showed up you interrupted an argument/ bad news/ sex/ illness.

AskYourselfWhy - I wouldn't say it's automatically a DIL issue because she'll host other people, as I said earlier, it could well be they have a 'deal' that whoever does the inviting does all the work (very common arrangement) so if the OP's DS can't be arsed cooking and cleaning for his mum, he just arranges to go to a restaurant or round to theirs. Whereas the DIL might do the work for her friends/family.

I don't like the assumption that all the "effort" in keeping family bonds together and hosting should automatically fall to the woman, particularly as in this case there's been no mention of DCs and I assume both the DS and DIL work.

While I'm a SAHM, and I do the bulk of the family organising, I do assume when PILs are coming over that DH will do a lot of more of cleaning/cooking than I would if my parents are coming over. I don't buy his parents' birthday or Christmas gifts, unless he's asked me to pick up a particular thing (eg. I'm going to a book shop anyway and he's asked me to pick up a specific book while in there, not do the planning and sourcing). I don't do present wrapping for his side or card writing.

My family is from Cyprus and it would be considered to be really rude nit to invite parents occasionally to your house, unless they are toxic of course. Op sounds like she is not of the toxic variety. They are happy accepting expensive gifts from you, but don't want to invite you fir a couple of hours fir a cuppa, very rude IMHO.

Not to invite you round to see the new furniture you had bought but to send a photo is bizarre.

To make you feel you intruded when they agreed a time for you to visit is also bizarre

I assume you don't "take over" when you get there (in the early days my MIL did this until I got DH to have a word with her!)

I would definitely ask your son though.

I will say, as the parent in this situation, that I do think there is a tendency sometimes for adult children to continue to consider their parents' house their home (the adult children's home, I mean) in addition to their own home, so that they go to their parents often but don't always think about reciprocating hospitality in their own home. I prefer the relationship I have with my daughter which is more adult, I think, where we invite them and they invite us to theirs, but I accept my son and DIL's preferences in the matter.

I'm reasonably sociable, have a nice-ish house, but would always choose meeting up in town/out over having people round. I've got a dog and am a bit paranoid that my nose no longer detects what a visitor's nose would detect, plus I work very long hours and never feel I'm on top of the housework. And if you meet for lunch or a coffee, you can all leave when you feel comfortable, with no reflection on anyone's hospitality/lack of. I've been in this house nearly six years and still haven't had my neighbours over, despite seeing them most days out with their dogs.

So, no, it's not totally unheard of. And as others have said, you might just have caught them at a bad moment, that one time.

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread. I would possibly not read too much into it. I get on with my mil but I am a very private person and don't like people calling round unannounced. I sometimes like to laze around, I can also get quite hormonal and emotional some days and have been in the middle of a weep when people have just turned up, I just don't like it.

We also would have seem mil about as often as you see your son and dil usually at her house out out so maybe they feel like they see you anyway so don't need to invite you round?

Try ringing or texting and asking if it's ok to call round at a certain time/ day. My mil is welcome in my house but I just like to know when she is coming so I can tidy up