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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be ripping with my mil about this

416 replies

mineallmine · 20/10/2014 15:45

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 20/10/2014 15:47

Pin the bitch up against the wall. I'll help.

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2014 15:47

No you shouldn't let it go

You should your DH to what he said, and make sure he speaks to them.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 20/10/2014 15:47

I'd ask her straight out, but I'm not one for anything, but straight talking.

QueenofallIsee · 20/10/2014 15:47

Oh dear, I think you are correct to be upset and would in your shoes immediately assume that she was behaving that way as your DD is adopted. Sorry OP, I hope that is not the case.

I wouldn't let it go - I would ask your husband to address it before DD gets older and DOES start noticing

CatThiefKeith · 20/10/2014 15:48

Is there any other reason why your dd might be treated differently?

Is she the youngest/only girl/perceived as spoiled for example?

I would have to ask outright if it were me.

becominglessofalurker · 20/10/2014 15:49

YANBU .
Personally I would nag oh to bring it up with her.

wheretoyougonow · 20/10/2014 15:49

I would not be happy about this. She may not notice but her brother has. Has she a rep for being toxic?

CookieLady · 20/10/2014 15:49

Your DH needs to broach the matter with his mother.

CaptainAnkles · 20/10/2014 15:49

I think it needs to be addressed. If that is the reason your DD is being treated differently, it's utterly shite of your MIL. Unfortunately some people can be fucking idiots about whether people are related to them by blood. I really hope it's just an oversight and not sheer ignorant cowbagishness.

Lottapianos · 20/10/2014 15:50

Trust your gut OP. Do you think your DD being adopted is the reason this is going on? Can you talk to your DP about it? I think he should be the one to ask his mother for answers here. If you're right then shame on her for being so utterly rotten.

PintOfTeaPlease · 20/10/2014 15:53

I couldn't let this go. What could a three year old possibly have done to be seen as less worthy by mil? I would have to assume it was because she is adopted Sad.

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 15:57

I think you need to push your DH to address this now, along with pointing out that your DS has noticed, and if she is going to continue to not give gifts to one of your children - which she is entitled to do, you will refuse all gifts for your other child.

It's terrible lesson for your DS to see his sister treated as "not really family" because she's adopted. your DH needs to have the confrontation. Failing that, do it yourself.

BrendaBlackhead · 20/10/2014 15:57

Mil was a bit like this with dd. For example, she said she had a Christmas budget for the dcs of £20 (!) and because ds's present had cost £17 she could only spend £3 on dd. Dh was steaming with fury but it was pointless ever trying to say anything to mil.

Fwiw mil's random behaviour was (in part) due to her galloping senile dementia, but maybe your mil, OP, isn't that old.

Ticktockblock · 20/10/2014 16:02

That would really really piss me off. How fucking dare she treat your DD different from the other grand children. What an absolute cow. I would not let this go.

diddl · 20/10/2014 16:06

She might not know or care yet, but she will.

Would she tell you the truth if asked?

Sadly I think that you have the reason.

trulybadlydeeply · 20/10/2014 16:07

It does sound like it is the fact that she is adopted that means that they are treating her differently Sad.

In your situation I would email them (or write) and just say that you politely ask that you treat DS and DD the same at birthdays/Christmas (tell them that DS noticed that DD didn't have a present), and that you appreciate it is costly for them, so it would be preferable to not give either of them any presents at all, rather than only giving presents to one of them.

Leave it at that, and see what they come back with.

WooWooOwl · 20/10/2014 16:09

I'd pull her up on it. Getting DH to do it would be the best way, but if he won't then you're left with no choice. You can't leave it until your dd is old enough to notice, so you have to male sure something is said sooner rather than later.

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 16:10

The only other thing it could be, if not the adopted thing, you mention she's a lot younger than the other DGC, did MIL see more of the others at this age/younger? It could be she 'bonded' more with the other DGC if she was more involved with their lives. Obviously ignore if she was equally involved with all of them.

Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 16:11

Ok so it's not me then. I'm generally quick to find the bad in MIL so I don't trust my judgement regarding her. My gut says it's not the adopted bit because she was delighted when we got dd. As I said, they live abroad so are quite hands-off grandparents anyway. I just can't think why else they're making her different. She is the youngest grandchild-the next youngest is 11- but she's not spoiled and is absolutely and completely the cutest girl in the world.

They'll be home in November for a couple of weeks. It'll be ds's birthday while they're home so that will be interesting. I'd already decided that if they give to ds on his birthday, I'm going to tell them that it's not ok to give to one and not the other. I'm just expecting there to be fallout after the conversation - MIL and her two dds bitching about me behind my back. Nothing new there and I don't give a shit what they say but for dh's sake, I don't want to make things hard for him. He says he'll talk to her when they're home but they're all afraid of her. I, on the other hand, am not afraid and am a momma bear when it comes to my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 16:16

MaryWestmacott, it may well be that she's not as 'bonded' to dd as to the other gc but I don't see why that means she can't stick €20 in a card like she does for all the others. They're not at all short of money despite her constant poor mouth and they can do it for all the others. They moved abroad when my ds was around 2 and have always put money in a card for him so why not for dd? And again I say, dd doesn't need the €20 and neither do we, it's just what it represents.

OP posts:
Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 16:17

And I should also add, they have 6 grandchildren in total.

OP posts:
AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 16:19

Pin the bitch up against the wall. I'll help. Grin

for the moment give benfit of doubt and assme its an over site

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 16:19

but either way, it's not acceptable, if your DH isn't going to have words, you're going to have to do it, preferably now, well before Christmas. If she's not going to give anything to your DD at Christmas, then that's her decision, but you therefore can't accept gifts for any of the rest of the family.

tinylttletrotters · 20/10/2014 16:22

don't wait until they come home , you need to deal with this now

your dd may not be noticing now but she will at some stage

confront her

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 16:23

oh, my last post was delayed for some reason!

Anyway, I wasn't saying it was acceptable to not give to your DD because your MIL hasn't bonded due to living overseas, but more looking for another reason to treat her differently other than the adoption. It doesn't make the treating differently any more acceptable.

If she moved abroad when your DS was 2, that would also suggest some of the cousins were born after they moved, have they always received similar amounts to your DS? Is there any way to ask your SILs without opening a great big can of worms?