to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

I think you're right to let this go unless she turns up with more gifts on this visit and there is further glaring inequality.

If that happens you need to either stop the contact and intercept all future gifts or let her know that's what you will be doing, maybe by writing to her if you feel she will win in a fact to face confrontation.

I feel for you OP. We have had an estrangement from Oh's stepmother. Again, like you, it is not about value of presents, it's about treating everyone the same.

When she stopped speaking to us (long winded story, but basically was having an affair with OH's godfather and ignored us for a year, so we called her on it) she initially sent a present to Dd1 of much less value than she normally did (has spent on our children and still spends on cousins £100 each for birthday/Xmas), then she sent £5 presents to the kids for Xmas - posted for more than the presents cost (she lives 10 mins away). This year nothing for Xmas or for 2 of the kids birthdays - even cards - but a card and £30 gift voucher for dd1. We don't have to cross the bridge until October now but if the bitch does it again this year the card and present will be intercepted and returned with a very terse note saying to treat all our children the same.

It's absolutely maddening and rude, and in your shoes I wouldn't be giving her houseroom, especially after she refused to speak to you on the phone. Hope the visit is short and not too upsetting for any of you

How's it going Mine?

I'm channeling civil and polite. I spent the last couple of days getting worked up about her and their visit but I made a decision yesterday that one thing I would do differently this visit, one thing I was going to take control of, was that I wouldn't allow MIL to hug me. I hate it, have always hated it. It's false and makes me uncomfortable. So I had my plan to keep her at bay without making a 'scene'. And the bitch didn't try to hug me!!! She may try again tomorrow when they're leaving but I'm ready for her.

I made dinner today and then buggered off to ikea for the evening, only came home at 9.30. I'm now flaked out on one couch and they're on the other and I'm off to bed now.

Only a couple of hours in the morning to go...

It sounds like you're handling it beautifully.

Can we assume that she didn't arrive bearing gifts?

Sweeties for both children, see she can do it when she tries!

Yeah, she's just a model grandmother, eh?

Oh good. Let's hope she continues to try for some considerable time then.

I hope you are successful in your hug dodging tomorrow!

You could hug her close and whisper so no one else can hear ' don't fuck with my family again' then pull back smiling and declare loudly ' it was lovely to see you'

maddening God I'd LOVE to have the balls (of steel) to do that!
Goodnight all, will update when they've gone tomorrow.

@ Maddening

Well they're gone and there were no hugs but I did wimp out a bit. MIL was putting bags in the car and FIL said goodbye and leaned in for a kiss and I said 'No, I've a rotten cold, I don't want you to get it' (which I do and I don't want him to get it because he's very nice). Then MIL came back in to say goodbye and put the arms out for a hug and I put my arms up and said 'No hugs' but then I said 'You don't want this cold.'

So I'll have to do it all over again next visit. I wish I'd just shut my mouth after saying 'No hugs.'

I was however cool and civil all morning. DH and FIL were out of the room and MIL and I were alone together for 25 minutes!!!! and I politely answered anything she asked but no more and eventually she picked up a newspaper she'd found in their suitcase from May 2014 and read that while I baked and we had blissful silence for about 10 minutes until FIL came back into the room.

Good on you mineallmine

Well done, but DH to get a phone call from her about this visit once she get home.

Well done mine!

Well done! You've got through this visit very successfully - lets hope she was bloody uncomfortable - she may not want to come back