to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

unicycle, I certainly hope you are a troll because I can't believe anyone could possibly be so ignorant! As an adopted child, I find your posts offensive.

mineall take the bull (or cow as it were) by the horns and ask her what she means by it. Now me, I'd probably announce when DS opens the card and pulls out the money "Oh MiL, I thought you weren't given the grandchildren money for birthdays any more!". When she or someone asks why I thought that I'd say "Well, because she didn't send any to DD for her last two birthdays!" with a puzzled expression. Yes, I know, very PA of me.

I thank my lucky stars that my beautiful adopted son has immediate family in the shape of Grandparents and an Uncle who adore him and love him unconditionally. Before we adopted him we obviously spoke of our wishes etc to our immediate family and they were publicly and privately very supportive. Yes unicycle we considered their feelings and yes you are right that if they hadn't been in agreement my DH and I would sTill have gone ahead and adopted our son and no doubt our relationship with them would have become different. If my parents hadn't have loved my DH I would have been sad but I would have gone ahead and married him anyway. I guess in your book I am a completely selfish person for doing what I wanted. I'm not sure what personal experiences have led you to this viewpoint but I am very glad you are not one of my immediate family. My son has brought us immense joy and I hope when he is older he will feel,glad that we became his parents and his Grandparents and Uncle could not love him anymore than they do and the feeling is mutual.

Another vote for Quints' idea here. Also, as a PP sald, it's about ensuring that your daughter knows she is as loved as every other child in the family. Good luck with The Talk, OP.

Mineallmine, why does your DH enable his mother's bad behaviour?
It is his job to discuss this with his mother. If you do it, she will create a fuss & turn on you. Would he support you then or continue to enable his mother?
Your DS should certainly not get involved.
Tell your DH to man the fck up & protect his family from this. He is concerned about how his mother might react feel? He should be concerned about how his DD, his DS & his DW feel, first & last. Full stop! For you, your lovely DS & DR!

DD!

I think I would do it before the party on Saturday.

Your DH should have spoken to her long before now, certainly he should have done so face to face when he had the chance this week.

Waiting to speak to her face to face and then claiming that he couldn't because too much time has passed are just excuses. He's been cowardly, and he's let his daughter down very badly.

If your DS is so keep to stick up for his sister and make things fair, your DH should feel even more strongly about doing the same thing for his DD.

The problem with you speaking to MIL instead of your DH doing it is that she may not take you as seriously as she would him.

I'm struggling to explain what I mean, but if she can see it matters to him she may be more likely to listen and accept what is being said to her and start acting like a decent human being.

If you do it, depending what your relationship with her is like, it could well just be put down to "mineallmine making a fuss over nothing" and her playing the injured party.

In your OP, you said PILs, so what does your FIL have to do with any of this? I appreciate in many families it's the wife who does cards and presents, so he may not even have realised your DD is being singled out. But he still has a part to play in this. Would your DH speak to him rather than to his mother? Would FIL actually listen and/or care?

I would have to say something, and leave dh out of it because he clearly isn't going to do anything. It needs sorting before Christmas, or the poisonous woman will do it again. Your dd is 4 now, she will notice of the other children are getting gifts. Sort this now and I agree it's very probably because she's adopted. This is such a sad story and its making me very angry.

My jaw has literally just dropped reading the post from Unicycle. How fucking awful.

Eat, your mum sounds great. You have a fantastic attitude towards your dad's twatish family.

Unicycle surely you can't be serious.

We intend to adopt at some point. I can see my FIL being upset about it. If he can't feel the same way about all of our children that is his right; you can't help how you feel. But he will treat them all the same or he will see none of them. That's not blackmail, that's being a parent.

Can you not arrange to speak to MIL yourself before the party? I think you're right to want to be direct. I would probably phrase ut as saying that she shouldn't worry about not being able to give birthday money any more , you realised when you got DD's card so you'll have a quiet word with DS so he knows not to expect anything. You could also offer to mention it to DH 's siblings.

That way she is on the spot but you haven't accused her of anything she could flounce about.

I agree mineallmine, but in the future if they aren't going to treat dd fairly, I would return ds card and money to them, and hope it sends out a clear message, or tgey will continue to think it's acceptable despite your chat with them. Yes they may give an outward impression tgat they love dd and are delighted with her, but tgeur actions do not follow this. She needs telling, but not at tge party. You can tell her that if she does not send anything for dd, ds card and money will be returned to her.

Unicycle is on another planet, there is no logic to her argument, it's just nasty and offensive. Like op said, she doesent particularly like her mil, but is kind and makes her welcome as DH does and it's the right thing to do. Are you reading unicycle

I'm agreeing with Alice's points below...
And I also think your DS is lovely looking out for his little sister

Good luck OP. YY to speaking to her (and FIL) when your DH is there too so that you are showing a United front.

OP, I'm sorry but as I read your post I was thinking, "Is the DD adopted?" And that's purely because this kind of problem has appeared a couple of times before on Mumsnet. It's incredibly sad but that's how some people's minds seem to work. You wouldn't think it possible that your DH's own mother could be so callous.

OP- you sound like such a lovely mum to both your children.

But I think it is important that you tackle this issue sooner rather than later. It's not just a question of your DD or your DS (who sounds ace!). But also about your wider family and particularly any young cousins they have who will also be picking up on it.

I have a pal who was adopted - albeit a long time ago. She didn't know until she was an adult but some of her young cousins did. She was treated very differently by the adult extended family and some of the young cousins certainly picked up on it and were pretty mean to her. They were too young to understand what they were doing really, but it has had a long term impact on her.

Good luck.

I agree with Alice, I would be having a strong talk to DH, about his loyalties about putting his dd an innocent child above his mother. She will notice, that's a certainty in the future, she will notice her brother and cousins getting money and gifts, and not her. It DH does not, that's a whole different thread, you have to Op, ok she might not take it as seriously as she would DH, but you have made it clear it's unacceptable.

I've been in a similar situation to your ds. My grandmother was ok to me (hands off, not close but not bad iykwim) but was distinctly different to my younger sister. Our birthday and Christmas presents were markedly different in value and thought. My parents obviously saw it before I noticed but nothing was ever said. When I asked about it (about aged 10 I think when I had a few things for Christmas and Dsis had a selection box and no presents) I was simply told to share mine and not to say anything.
I spent years trying to get my presents first so I could give some to dsis before she realised the difference. And feeling awful that 'gran' liked me but not her. In the end, me and dsis talked about it and decided not to see her anymore (dsis had noticed years before but didn't know what to say because we all seemed intent on covering it Nd pretending that it was ok).

It has led to very confused feelings in both of us regarding why the difference from my gran and why my parents didn't just deal with it. Your Ds and Dd will both eventually notice and it will be horrible for both of them. Your DH needs to understand this. You and your Dc are his family and he needs to put you first. Just say to MIL your dc get the same or nothing because it's just not fair.

Would love to have a follow up from the messed up unicycle and reply to everyone who is stunned, shocked and appalled at his/her comments. Or has unicycle gone into hiding because he/she realises that the comments do not reflect the intelligent masses???. You are basically telling people it is okay to treat adoptive children as second class citizens and they should 'accept' that they are to be treated differently. would you expect a black child to be treated differently in a white family and vice versa??? Would a disabled child be treated differently???? You are a bit screwed up!!!!!

mineallmine you seriously need to discuss this calmly with your MIL. Phone her up and say something along the lines of;
Something has been bothering me and I didn't want to upset you but it is upsetting me and my family. Why do DS and cousins receive gifts on their birthdays and at Christmas but DD not? Explain that for the past (however many birthdays and Christmases) DD hasn't received a gift but the others have? Is there a problem?
Don't imply anything; give her the opportunity to explain herself and follow through acording to what she says. But in all honesty, if my PILs and family were treating my adoptive child differently, I would not hesitate to keep my distance from them and if DH objected, he would be told that under no circumstances are people allowed into the home that cannot fully accept a little girl as part of the family. I wouldn't stop DH from having a relationship with his family or DS at the age of 14 (who sounds like a caring big brother by the way) but I would make it VERY clear that his choices would actually reflect his true feelings for his little girl.
Would he react in the same way if it was DS being shunned? Would be interesting to see if HE feels differently about DD compared to DS or if he would react in the same way.

I agree junk, unicycles views are horrid. She views setting tge standard and benchmark for all chikdren in that family to be treated fairly as blackmailing. No I bloody is not, it is sending the message that all the chikdren are equal, it is not acceptable to leave one out. No excuse for that shoddy behaviour.

I agree junk I actually thought that. What if ds was being treated like that, woukd he behave the same, or if dd was biologically theirs.

Not much to add except that you sound like a lovely lovely family - your DS and DD sound thoughtful and brilliant fun.

unicycle, I have seen some crap posted on the internet, but yours is just about the hugest steaming pile I have ever seen. Thank whatever heavenly beings there are that you are a minority and I raise a glass to all you amazing people that have adopted.

Perhaps I’m naïve, but I read the situation differently. As someone who is not great at sorting out presents in time and has been known to exaggerate stories about things getting held up in the post to cover up her own lack of planning, the story about the lost Amazon gift sounds to me like your PIL might simply be a tad disorganised. Sticking money in a card is a quick and easy present with which your average 11-year-old or 14-year-old will be delighted. However, four seems far too young to be getting cash. What on earth would a four-year-old do with €20? Personally, I do find buying presents for very young children trickier than for older children (to whom I can just give cash or a book I used to like at that age).

Could it be that your PIL thought it wasn’t appropriate to give a four-year-old cash, had the very best intentions of getting her a present instead, didn’t manage to sort it out in time, and had a last-minute panic and simply sent a card/gave her that little golf set? Of course that doesn’t excuse their behaviour (especially if they managed to to get non-cash presents for some of the other grandchildren), but it would explain it without attributing malicious motives to them.

I like Devora’s suggestion. Even if it’s true that your PIL are just disorganised, it really is important that your daughter feels as loved as the other children in the family and that she does not misinterpret their actions, so that’s a good way of framing it to them.

Definitely sort it out now, before it is repeated at christmas.

I'd be having strong words with DH too. He has let his family down by prioritising his mothers feelings over yours, ds's and your dd's future feelings. There is no excuse for this.