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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ripping with my mil about this

416 replies

mineallmine · 20/10/2014 15:45

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
mineallmine · 22/12/2014 22:56

I'm chuckling away about the whole situation. I know she feels she's got to show me who's boss, she always has. I threaten her in some way.

While she was speaking to ds on the phone, she was asking him 'When are you coming over with your dad?' and in my head I thought 'Those days are over, you just don't know it yet.'

Financialwizard, is you ds also adopted?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2014 23:04

What did she say to,dd. Yes because she now has to give to dd as she's been pulled up,on it, to highlight the difference, she has given more to ds.

Original poster
mineallmine · 22/12/2014 23:08

I did think of that, Down but I think I've made my point and as Katie said above, she's playing a game now and I'm not playing. I'm just going to withdraw as much as I can. Thankfully they're abroad and come home only a couple of times a year.

OP posts:
ssd · 22/12/2014 23:11

good on you, op!

RandomMess · 23/12/2014 10:42

What an utter true cow your MIL is, yep absolute game playing and your DS will see through it and back off slowly. Then MIL will weep and wail and be melodramatic.

Just let it be water of a ducks back Flowers

Original poster
mineallmine · 02/02/2015 22:11

Shit....just lost my bloody post.

Quick words of advice would be appreciated. PILs are visiting this Thurs, arriving around 3pm and staying the night before moving on to dh's siblings on Friday. DH asked if this would be ok with me so he knows that all is not rosy in the garden. So they're coming and I'll cook for them and put them up BUT I really don't think I can just act as if nothing has happened- and this is exactly what MIL will do. I last spoke to her when she phoned dh's family on St Stephen's day and dh shoved the phone into my hand. I spoke for a minute and then excused myself because I was putting dd to bed at the time. I just don't think I can sit looking at her all night without having some sort of words with her.

SO what do I say? What I want to say is 'What happened at Christmas can't happen again. I asked you to treat the children equally and you didn't. You may have your own reasons which are valid to you, but you ignored our express wishes. I don't want this to happen again.'

But that sounds very wordy and rehearsed and whatever I say will have to be quick because I'll have to get her on her own to say it. I've learned my lesson and won't be telling dh that I can't let it go.

Anyone good with words who could put it nicely and succinctly for me? I want it to sound reasonable and rational and not combative - but taking no shit at the same time. I want MIL to know that she has made an enemy of me but for her to come away from the conversation not being able to complain about me, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2015 22:26

She isn't going to pay any attention. You've asked her nicely, then told her, fwiw I think she's just going to carry on doing exactly as she wants to Sad

Personally I would be icily civil to her, nothing more. She will know that she has made an enemy without you having to openly say anything. I'd find it fucking hard to bite my tongue though - you're a better person than I am, she wouldn't be setting foot through the door if she were my mil.

Clutterbugsmum · 02/02/2015 22:30

I wouldn't bother she is never going to treat you children the same, as she thinks she the one with the all the power and is game playing with you.

I would cook something easy egg and chips, a quick pasta dish not anything special. Once dh is home I would go out, then straight to bed when you get in. And then Friday morning I would go out straight after dropping the children off at school and not get home until they have left.

Original poster
mineallmine · 02/02/2015 22:35

Thanks to you both. You're probably right. I just HATE her to think that she's 'won.'
I'm planning to cook a chilli early in the day that dh can just reheat and I'll go and do the shopping or something to get out of the way. I always go for a long walk with the dog after dropping kids to school and dh promises to have them out of the house for 10.30 so I'll stay out til after then,

OP posts:
Waitingonasunnyday · 02/02/2015 22:38

She hasn't 'won' and she will know it. I agree with the icily civil. Is she likely to bring any gifts do you think? As you might want to have a planned reaction in place...

mineofuselessinformation · 02/02/2015 22:49

Is there any possibility FIL doesn't know what she's up to? Could you take him aside and ask him what's going on and tell him how painful it is for you and dh.
If she's being an evil witch without his knowledge, you'll have dropped her right in it.
And if they're both in the know, it arms you with more insight into your relationship with them.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2015 22:50

"I just want to have a quick word about presents, MIL.

I know we have talked about this but I think I need to make myself clearer.

I have asked that, in future, all gifts that you send to my children are equal. You chose to ignore this last time and I am now asking that you leave it at that and start respecting my wishes.

It is important that DD is never given a reason to think she is less important to our family than DS. You may not agree with this but you need to understand that the well being of both of my children will always be my first priority.

If I see any obvious inequality in the way my children are treated in the future, I will do whatever I need to in order to stop it happening again. I would prefer not to have to screen their post and I really would like us to be able to put this behind us and rebuild our relationship.

It's now up to you to decide whether we will be able to do this."

Suefla62 · 02/02/2015 22:57

I agree with the icy civility bit and getting out of the house as much as you can.

I had a run-in with my MIL once and did the same thing. She tried to pull me up on it and I told her that I didn't approve of the way she behaved and that we had discussed it before. She started blustering and I told her there was nothing else to discuss and that I would be civil but that I had seen her for what she truly was and didn't like it, and unfortunately one could choose their friends but not their family.

We ended up with a civil relationship but I never really liked her.

DisappointedOne · 02/02/2015 23:17

My inlaws are a law unto themselves when it comes to DD (see my first thread). Being 300 miles away means that they just don't bother.

I've just completely forgotten one niece's birthday for the first time and it feels marvellous. Let them know what it's like to be treated unfairly.

thegreylady · 02/02/2015 23:18

Let it go now. You have 'won' just by having the courage to speak up to her and she did give your dd something. She is , and always will be, your dh's mum and your dc's grandma. Don't be the one who makes for a coldness in the family. She was careless and arrogant where you were loving and assertive. You are the better person. Be cool not cold, hospitable not gushing, generous not smallminded. I think you are an amazing wife and mother and they are all lucky to have you.

maddening · 02/02/2015 23:21

I would give her half the portion of everyone else and say "as we get older you need less calories - it's an age thing isn't it"

Ohfourfoxache · 03/02/2015 00:18

at maddening Grin

TheSkiingGardener · 03/02/2015 06:18

I think suefla has it. Moral high ground time.

MariosYoshi · 03/02/2015 07:10

She'll be wanting you to say something as no doubt she has a perfectly rehersed excuse that sounds relatively plausible to everyone else who will brush it under the carpet-out of embarrassment if nothing else.

Be civil & hospitable to a point, it will put her off guard and make her feel on edge. She's never going to be ashamed or care about her own behaviour, it's all about power games with you now as you dared to say something. Don't give her the satisfaction of engaging, as she'll play innocent and hurt-you'll look bad.

Fact is your DS and dh have her measure already, she is just continuing to show her true colours.

MinceSpy · 03/02/2015 07:45

I actually don't think there is anything wrong with giving different cash amounts to siblings with such a big age gap. My grandparents did that to acknowledge that we were growing up.

Sadly some people don't see adopted children as being equal and sadly you can't make the pils. Just be civil when they visit don't give them any ammunition.

Nomama · 03/02/2015 09:47

Serve a veggie meal...." I have adopted a new diet, it's worth so much less than the other one"

Not really. Take the moral high ground, smile a lot, nod a bit. Wait til they leave then ask DH for a hug!

bloodygorgeous · 03/02/2015 09:50

I really don't think you should say anything else about this.

You've said it. Made it very clear.

You can't do any more, you can't control what she does.

You 'win' if you don't give her the satisfaction of playing her games. Just be pleasant enough and know that you have 'won' really as you don't give a shit about her or her weirdnesses or cruelty or feelings.

Original poster
mineallmine · 03/02/2015 10:52

Thanks everyone. You're right, I'd be best to rise above it, as my wise mother would say.
She'll be wanting you to say something as no doubt she has a perfectly rehersed excuse that sounds relatively plausible to everyone else who will brush it under the carpet-out of embarrassment if nothing else. This is so true- she thrives on confrontation with a smile on her face and I'd come out of it looking bad.
I would give her half the portion of everyone else and say "as we get older you need less calories - it's an age thing isn't it" Love it!!!

Ok, so my plan is to be civil but not friendly without making anyone else feel uncomfortable. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Waitingonasunnyday · 03/02/2015 10:56

Civil but not friendly and spit in her tea

solitarywalker · 03/02/2015 11:47

I do not understand at all why someone would want to make an adopted child, who has had a bit of a rough start in life by definition, feel worse Sad. I can't even imagine how your MIL is rationalising this to herself.

I think I would be tempted to try and get at the rationalisation - so I would take goldmantra's brilliant suggestion above and add:

"I know we have talked about this but I think I need to make myself clearer.

I have asked that, in future, all gifts that you send to my children are equal. It is important that DD is never given a reason to think she is less important to our family than DS. You may not agree with this but you need to understand that the well being of both of my children will always be my first priority.

You chose to ignore this request last time. I am not sure why you feel that it is necessary to treat her differently. What is your reasoning here? Why is she less important in your eyes?"

I think this should give you the absolute high ground, and you can then end with goldmantra's suggestion that you basically give an ultimatum: do this, or see neither child.

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