to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

unicycle, would you have written the same post if the OP's daughter had not been adopted, but if the OP had not asked her MIL for permission before trying to conceive?

Unicycle... What a quite sickening message you are purporting in your posts. Along with being sickening, it is the most daft and illogical argument I have EVER read on mumsnet.

Unpleasant and thick. That's how you come across. Goodness, I desperately hope you don't have children, I really do.

What the fuck, Unicycle?

Good on you quints , op çoukd try that one marvellous.

unicycle - it's not about feelings, it's about behaviour. I wouldn't expect any family member to feel exactly the same about my 2 children (both mine and DH's biological children BTW), but i would expect them to treat them the same. I didn't ask anyone in the wider family if they wanted us to have DCs or ask their opinion on how many we should have. Regardless of their feelings about my family, I expect them to be treated the same.

I don't expect the same feelings for each child - i do expect behaviour towards them to be similar/equal.

Why is it blackmail to say you won't allow people who treat your DCs badly to be part of their lives? Would it be better to not give the MIL a warning her behaviour is unacceptable and will lead to her being cut out, giving her chance to change her behaviour, or would it be better to just let her carry on and then cut her out?

So you think it's fair enough that the grandmother treats biological gc differently to the adopted gc unicycle? It's £20 in a card we're talking about, why the strong negative feelings? What a peculiar view you have.

Good point unicycle - this is exactly why I don't buy my mother a christmas present. After all, I didn't ask to be born, did I? She should bear the brunt of her decisions

Wtf are you smoking unicycle?

I would have it out with her before the party. This has happened enough times that you don't need another instance of favouritism to prove to you that your dd is being treated differently.

Also your dh seems unlikely ever to stand up to her. The fact that he couldn't pick up the phone to her and then again made excuses when she was with him shows he won't do it.

The ideal would be to take mil up on it having agreed with/warned dh of what you are planning to do. Also if he could be with you physically it would show mil he agrees with you without him actually saying anything. I appreciate that might be difficult. It's worth reminding dh of the potential negative impact on your dds self esteem If he can't stand up for her. It doesn't matter if she's 3. He's not suddenly going to grow a spine when she's 10.

I hope this turns out better than what it looks like.

So Unicycle what should the OP do. If it were me I would tell the MIL to go to hell in a handcart. The person suffering here is an innocent child, how can that be right.

And what a strange world you must live in if you think that grown adults should be seeking permission from their parents to have children/split up from their partners/remarry/adopt.

I would ask your ds what he thinks - he sounds pretty perceptive.

I would chose option 3 personally and also feel very let down by DH.

Good luck OP.

Y to quints idea. At party give mil a wrapped present "and here is your oresent for dd", as you must have forgotten earlier...

Unicycle, you haven't the faintest idea what you are on about and you seem to have no understanding that you are being deeply offensive to those of us who have adopted.

ODFOD.

Excellent suggestion by micah (Mon 10-Nov-14 19:09:47)

"Could you ask her if she put money in the card "as I know you usually do and I worry it's gone missing in the post"

"If she says no then say it's fine, and you'll know not to expect money in ds's card either if she's not doing gifts any more...."

Your DH is a coward. He refuses to deal with it at the time, claiming it's better to do it face-to-face. Then when that opportunity arises, too much time has passed? My respect for him would be in the gutter along with his spine.

I thought your MIL's behaviour was odd and wondered if she might just be forgetful or crap at online shopping -- until you said your dd is adopted. I have friends who have adopted and longterm fostered. The two unrelated GM's in each of these cases were horrid about the adopted and fostered children — "it's not like they're real family" one said and the other pretended like the adoption had never happened at first, nothing to do with her. One of the one of my friend's brothers has not even met her adopted children. Some people are dicks. I hope your MIL isn't one of them but... it is more than odd.

I think your husband needs to confront her about it, it's his daughter too -- and it's his mother who appears to be showing some very dodgy favouritism. What a git.

As an adoptive parent, I am reading this thread and thinking how fortunate we are to have relatives that have welcomed ds with open arms and warm hearts and exact the same treatment as every other child in our extended family. OP, I hope this all works out for you. DH needs to stand up for his dd now, right now. Four years old is old enough to notice the difference in treatment. I would think he would very eager to protect his dd's feelings.

Thanks everyone for the contributions. Unicycle, I don't know how to respond to your posts. I presume you have a personal reason for your opinions but on behalf of my dd and all children who have been adopted,I am offended and affronted.

Maybe, just maybe, my MIL wasn't thrilled about dd's adoption - although she professed joy at every step of our journey and seems very much to enjoy hearing of dd's achievements- BUT she is an adult and as such should be able to do the right thing even if she doesn't have the feeling behind it. I don't like her but every time she comes, I welcome her, cook for her, sit and chat and do all the things that a DIL does because my DH loves her and I love him and that's the RIGHT THING TO DO. I don't feel the love but I go through all the right motions. She's probably doing the same with me. So she can frigging well do it with my dd, HER GRANDDAUGHTER. She can stick €20 in a card even if she doesn't 'approve' of our adoption.

I agree that my DH needs to find a backbone with his mother. He really is a good dad but for some reason, he and his siblings are all nervous of upsetting their mother. She is the queen of passive aggressive. I'm nervous of her too but have had difficult conversations with her in the past so am not afraid to confront her at all. I just wish dh had done it. Devora, I agree totally that now is when he needs to step up and show his family that he won't tolerate dd being treated differently.

I enjoyed the suggestions that I should give MIL a present for her to give to dd but I just couldn't do it. I'm quite a straightforward person and generally don't hide my emotions well. It's the módh díreach for me (for any other Irish MNers!)

I spoke again with ds this evening and told him that he should stay out of it and accept his card graciously. He offered to give dd €10 of it. (Obviously, I won't ask him to do that! He's 14 and not a saint and would obviously rather keep the money and spend it on xbox games.) He truly is a lovely boy and he makes me proud every day. I'm not going to say anything at the party because it's a celebration for another family member who is lovely and deserves to have a hassle-free celebration.

I think I'll wait until after the party and hope we'll see them on their own before they go back. And that was a good suggestion to say it when dh is there so that she sees that it's how we both feel.

Thanks everyone. I feel easier in my mind now that I have a plan.

I am an adopted person and knew I was adopted before I even knew what it meant.
My gps and the wider family treated us (my adopted siblings, not biological), and still do, the same as all the biological children born into the family.
I was never aware of feeling any different to my cousins.
Every child needs to be a part of a family and every child deserves this.
Adopted parents go through far more to have their children than biological parents do.
The gps are a very big part of the family and I think the OP needs to take action to stop this, right now.
I'm sorry OP but your dh is out of order, he should be considering his daughter and not let it get this far. He is forgetting that its the child that matters, shame on him.

I should point out that dd is utterly and blissfully unaware of this and that's why I was in a bit of a quandary. She was thrilled to see her granny yesterday - and granny gave a good impression of being delighted to see her too. So she doesn't see it now but ds does. And dh and I do. And this will be the last year when dd doesn't know. So I feel that now is when we need to draw the line in the sand.

And also, my family all live very close by and dd is paraded up and down my parents' road until someone comes out to talk to and admire her so she is utterly loved and accepted by all in my family. It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be. She sees them a couple of times a week whereas she sees dh's parents and siblings a couple of times a year. I'm sad because until this, it didn't occur to me that she wasn't on dh's side of the family.

And also, I know without a shadow of doubt that MIL will deny to the death that it has anything to do with adoption.

She may deny it verbally, but her actions say otherwise. Good luck.

Best of luck, mineallmine.

unicycle, everyone else has already said it but be in doubt that you have been very offensive to adoptive families. And this is not about trying to control other's feelings: I'm quite aware that my MIL does not see my dc in the same way as her 'real' grandchildren, the ones she is biologically related to. There was a time when she gave that feeling free rein and I was forced to consider keeping my children away from her, not to punish her but to protect them. She now does a pretty good job of covering it up and although I would prefer her to feel the love, I respect that she is behaving decently and that is all I have the right to ask.

I note you are outraged about 'blended families' who don't ask permission for their choices, but not for biological children. But this happens in all families all the time, surely? I didn't get a say in my siblings' relationship choices, and I haven't always been thrilled by them, but I never felt I had the slightest right to show that. I can't get my head round the idea that it's ok to indulge your preferences at the expense of a small child's emotional wellbeing, but there you go.

It will be very interesting to see what she does pin it on.
Good luck and get that dh sorted out.

You sound a wonderful mum and it is clear you love your dc very much.
BTW, your ds sounds a lovely lad, i'm not surprised you are proud.
So glad your family are normal and have accepted your dd
Best wishes to you. x

mineallmine, I wouldn't get into a war of words about whether this is about adoption (and it may not be). Just point out to her that it is really important that your dd is not in any shadow of a doubt that she is as loved as every other child in the family, that she cannot misinterpret the innocuous into something more sinister. You could acknowledge her loving behaviour to dd and say, "I know you wouldn't want dd to think she is somehow not valued as much as ds..."

And if that doesn't work, then you'll REALLY know you have a problem.

Unicycle I wonder what you wanted out of your extraordinary posts.

I, like everyone else, found your words baffling, illogical, nonsensical and offensive. I'm sure that's made you very satisfied and superior. Bravo.

Good thing is, we don't know you or have to ever interact with you or meet you in rl. Phew. That's a pleasing thought :)

You need to nip this in the bud before your DD notices and it won't be long.

My dad isn't my bio dad, he brought me up from age of 2/3 though and the only dad I have known. His brother and his brothers wife just couldn't accept me. When out meeting people he would introduce my siblings has his nieces and nephews while I was ignored.

When questioned who I was I was referred to as '

My dad never once stuck up for me. My mum on the other hand did. My dads brothers wife was a nasty cunt who would refer to me as the 'basterd child' though she wasn't married when her kids were born

My mum would never let them in house. They would have loads of gifts for siblings but not me but mum would send them away. Dad wouldn't say a word, anything for an easier life.

Mum didn't know I know that's what I was called. I didn't tell anyone til after I was visiting my dad with my son and when he said 'grandad' and walked to my dad she sniggered. I went for her and I'm not ashamed of it. 22 years of that shite.

Im now 24 and still most of my dads family won't accept me and my son. I did notice at a very young age what was going on.

My dad did adopt me eventually. They hate the fact I have their surname and still try to refer to me as my bio dads name. It doesn't phase me so much now as I know they are nobs but growing up it really dos hurt as I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I wasn't wanted by real dad and was a dirty secret basically so most of his side don't know I exist and then the family I think is mine don't want me because I'm not blood related.

It was like a double rejection. Now I'm not arsed. Fuck the lot of them