to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

Unicycle - I didn't ask my MIL's permission before I shagged her DS and got pregnant with DC1 or 2, but even though she wasn't consulted, I expect her to treat each child the same.

The OP's MIL might not be happy they have adopted a child, but she should be grown up enough to say so, not just ignore the child.

More importantly, she should realise she has no right to a relationship with her biological grandchild either, if she wants to avoid being cut out of the OP's DS's life, she needs to avoid being a problem for him and the rest of the family.

and while you are right that care and consideration works both ways, as a parent, your priority must always be your children over all other family members. In this case, it includes an adopted child, and a biological child who's grandmother risks damaging his relationship with his adopted sister. For both children's benefit, if the MIL can't act with kindness to both children, then she should be cut out of both children's lives. They come first. It is not in either of their best interest to have someone turn up and treat them differently.

Unicycle what a bunch of shit sorry what the hell are you talking about! Do you consult your wider family on your decisions, if you read op posts, her MIL seemed delighted. Anyway, the important thing is a little girl us being treated badly by an adult who should know better. It is not acceptable, to give to all grandchildren but 1, adopted or not. She us part of that family now, op and her DH are fantastic giving a home to a child who needs a living and caring home. Unicycle what you wrote was awful!

What Mary said. Siblings should be treated the same, whether their grandmother gave permission for them to become part of the family or not.

What a weird post unicycle. Are you the MIL?!

It is true that blackmail will often keep these troublesome relatives in check. The OP would be well advised go down that path if she cares to maintain a relationship between her MIL and her children, biological or otherwise.

Wtf unicycle?! Do people normally ask for their MIL's permission before adopting? Or TTC?

What a weird post unicycle. Are you the MIL?!

Exactly what I was thinking!

Blimey unicycle you sound vile. What complete nonsense you are talking!

Unicycle WTF is your problem?

It's not blackmail unicycle, it's ensuring all chikdren are treated the same. Op dd nay be too young to notice but in another year it 2 she will notice her siblings getting birthday and Christmas gifts from granny and not her

What a foul thing to say unicycle.

The situation is no different to if the DD was her birth child and MIL hadn't 'agreed' to her being conceived, but had of the son. Step children are completely different from adopted children. It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder about a step family issue and you're taking it out on OP.

Even if she WAS a step daughter, singling out a 3 year old and making her feel the odd one out from her family is much worse than inconveniencing the MIL having to buy two presents, MIL should suck it up either way.

The same way you would not invite a whole class but 1, same principle. You don't leave 1 grandchild out, even if you do not agree with the adoption, it's part of being a decent and kind human being.

Unicycle - it's not blackmail, it's telling someone what you will and will not tolerate in the way they treat your children. No one, other than parents, have a right to a relationship with children. Grandparents only get to be part of their grandchildren's lives if the parents want them to. And most parents take the decision that if a grandparent is actually going to be a negative influence on their children, then their exposure to the children should be limited, or stopped all together.

It doesn't really matter to the adopted girl right now that she's being treated differently, she's young enough not to notice, the one it's actually damaging is the biological DS. He's the one seeing his sister being treated badly and questioning why.

Even if the OP and her DH do bodge over this and not deal with it, the boy seems to have noticed enough to realise that granny isn't being nice to his sister. He might draw different conclusions from that information, but I know several "favoured" children who take the decision not to have anything to do with the person favouring them once they are old enough to make a choice.

There is no excuse for this and I'm usually one of the people on here who think mils get a rough deal.
It is disgusting and I think it may be because she is adopted and mil refusing to acknowledge her.
Your dd will notice as she gets older and feel so rejected really what an adopted person needs to feel, NOT.
Please don't let this go and make sure your dh speaks to her asap.
I can't believe this, it is awful.

Or lettuce, op conceived a girl and mil wanted another grandson. Really the mentality of some!

This is for your husband OP
So he knows what one looks like.

The OP's daughter is 100% as much the MIL's grandchild as the OP's son is, and deserves equal treatment.

Unicycle, your post was very offensive to me and to other adoptive parents who love their kids and don't give a flying hoohah about whether relatives "wanted" us to adopt them or not. We love them and they are ours, as much as our birth children. Relatives need to realise that. Normally I try and see the other person's view before jumping in, but I honestly can't see how you thought it was reasonable to post that, or how it wouldn't cause massive offence. I just can't get inside your head, here.

OP, I really hope your DH decides to do the right thing and call this behaviour out for your daughter's sake.

How does your apparent misogynistic bullying and commercially driven career fit with your Hare Krishna beliefs and purported anti capitalism? I would be interested to hear how you reconcile these, including your views on gender equality, on tax avoidance and on redistribution of wealth.

Is that one question? :)

Oops that was meant for Russell brand!

If you don't care about the impact your decisions have on others, don't be surprised when those others are not pleased about your decisions. It's common sense, surely? People don't usually consider what their wider family feel about their relationship decisions/step-children/adopted children, just strangely seem perplexed when they aren't thrilled at all their decisions.

Sometimes people have strong negative feelings, perhaps feeling they didn't expect, sometimes they're confused, sometimes they need time to get used to the idea, build a relationship with the child. You can manage your family how you want, including the use of blackmail, but no-one has the right to insist that anyone feels a certain way, especially about a decision they had no say in.

I just can't get inside your head, here.

Probably for the best - it doesn't seem like a very nice place to visit.

Unicycle what feckung planet are you on. Do you consult your wider fami,y before you go into a relationship, or if you shag someone. How ridiculous. It has nothing to do with that for god sakes, have you not read anybodies posts. It's about being a decent human being, you just do not treat a child like that. How hard is it to pop some money in a card, or get a present for a child.

My dhs aunt was like this with our two sons. I took a different tactic.

When it was Christmas, and she arrived with presents for ds1, I had prewrapped presents for ds2. After she had finnished cooing over ds1 (3 years older) having ignored ds2s expectant little face, I gave her the present I had bought and wrapped, and said "and this is your present for ds2, as you dont want any resentment and ill feeling brewing between them". She looked mortified, and gave ds2 the present, and it was never a problem again.

You might try the same thing, as if you are trying to save her face and her embarrassment.

Op, her DH and her ds are a family, their opinions should matter on the decision to adopt, nobody else's! It is up to the wider family to act like decent human beings and treat tgat adopted child like tgey would any other member of that family.