to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. Your poor dd

Oh dear I think first of all you have to accept your DH isn't going to step up here so in your shoes I would wait and see what happens. If he gets money I would say something for sure.

My sister has done similar this year with my ds's birthdays (well I think she did but my dm tried to cover it up by giving ds some money on my sisters behalf. My mum is the worlds worst liar and I'm 99.9% certain the money isn't from my sister) If she does the same at Xmas I will be returning the gift she buys for one and telling her in no uncertain terms to get knotted.

Your DH must - yes, must - tackle this before it happens again. If it is a deliberate attempt to treat your daughter differently because she's adopted, you have to call it out and be clear that it won't be tolerated. If its nothing to with that, you need to know that for sure - and find out what's going on.

One of my boys is not biologically mine. He is as much my son as the others are and as much as your daughter is your daughter. Your daughter's dad needs to stand up for her.

Failed has it.

If your DH says nothing then he is enabling your Mil and allowing her to see her behaviour as something that is acceptable.

I'd be warming up to give them both hell.

Depending on how ds feels I'd go for 1. Or 3.

Not sure I'd want to wait until Christmas - it will be even more obvious if everyone else is getting presents and dd isn't. (Or you could get an "emergency" present ready for Dd if your mil continues to be a bitch then confront her later. If you do this then dd could write her a lovely thank you letter.....)

I would wait til the visit after the party...not fair on your ds to put him in the middle....then you need to be very clear how unacceptable it is...sod Christmas .. It is a shame Dh isn't up to it but momma bear will be more than capable Why give them a chance to do it again?

I don't think you should wait for Christmas, I think you should explain to DH that if he doesn't have the conversation and get to the bottom of it then you will do it - otherwise there's just more time for wondering / resentment etc

If your DS is feeling ballsy, if they put the €20 in his card maybe he could ask GPs to swap.it for two €10 "as I would like to share with DD as she didnt get any birthday money in her card"

Oh and it sounds like your DH will.never be willing to tackle this, so its now down to you.

Could you ask her if she put money in the card "as I know you usually do and I worry it's gone missing in the post"

If she says no then say it's fine, and you'll know not to expect money in ds's card either if she's not doing gifts any more....

Yes your DH has to talk to his mum about it, this is unacceptable! There was a similar thread a couple of years ago where op parents sent all her chikdren Christmas oresents, but the ds who was adopted. It was very sad, they went NC with her, and mailed her presents back. I would not accept anything for your ds until dd gets an equal value present. Next time it ds burthday send the card with money back, I am sure your ds won't mind as he has noticed and us upset for her. Yes DH needs to talk to her, not on!

If DH has no backbone, you do it, needs to be done!

It may not be because your dd is adopted, but because your dd IS adopted it is even more important that she is not given any cause to think she is being treated differently/less favourably.

IME (as an adopter) adopted children often do get overlooked by relatives who don't intentionally hold any bad will, but who just forget to include them. It's like they don't really count. I was very shocked that when I adopted dd2, only a very few (I could count them on the fingers of one hand) of my very large family and network of friends bothered marking it with a card or a phone call. Huge difference to when I gave birth to dd1, when I was inundated with gifts and flowers. That may be second childitis, rather than adoption per se, but it sent a very powerful message and I think we have to be very proactive in protecting our children from these sorts of messages.

My uncle dickhead gave all my siblings a Christmas present and left me out. My parents returned the gifts immediately and in front of everyone.

I would ring before Saturday and ask what her gift plans were. You can then react or say thanks but no thanks if it's not the same. I wouldn't involve your ds. You can be proud of his kind heart but don't involve him. If your ILS do give him an unequal gift I'd let him keep it this last time. I would say fair gifting is required at Christmas or it will be returned and explain to your ds if that happens.

I think your DH has completely bottled any chance to avoid public upset. I think the only option left is to get him to call her and ask what her gift giving plans are and ask in relation to DD. Get him to explain that if she tries to give a gift to DS after missing out DD, you will publically return it to her and refuse to allow DS to accept anything from someone leaving out DD.

This will be embarassing, upsetting, possibly ruin any relationship between MIL and you and also the DCs, but it's the only option left if your DH won't quietly do it.

You will have to show your DS his sister isn't 'less' than him. If MIL has to be shown up to do it, so be it.

Tell DH if he doesn't stand up to his mummy you will lose all respect for him. He sounds utterly pathetic.

You need to get your dh to say something about treating the girls the same. When I was young, my great grandma would send me £10 in a card every birthday and Christmas and nothing for my brothers (our birthdays are close, mine in the middle). I hated it. It always made me feel upset. I used to give the money to my mum who would save the money and treat us all to something after my brothers birthday.

I agree with some of the others - this is where your dh needs to make his stand. This is it. Is he prepared to sanction and endorse the differing treatment of his daughter vs his son? For me, it's that simple - does he love his mother more than his daughter? It's one of those defining moments. You know it is.

I would ask dh to confront it now on the phone then there's no build up to the visit.
He has to do it whether he's scared or not as you and your dc's are what's most important here.

I think your dh has to realise that as an adoptive parent it is absolutely his role and his duty to advocate for your daughter here. Adopting has turned me into a tiger mother, because you realise how many people react intrusively, insensitively or dismissively. It is massively, massively letting down your daughter (and also your son) to let this slide. Adoptive children are often acutely sensitive to these things and he has to start training up his family NOW - before she is old enough to really cotton on, because it's too late after.

I have had to do something similar - to make clear, firmly but not stridently, that I will not expose my children to being treated like a shameful little secret, or as somehow less valuable than other children in the family. It really is hard, but he has to do it. He can see it as practice for the many other challenges ahead: he needs to show all his family that he will always stand up for them.

Sorry, bit of a rant: as you can see I feel strongly about this! I honestly think that if you're not prepared to do this sort of thing you shouldn't adopt. So, more positively, maybe this situation will force your husband to realise that.

I think wait and see at ds bday - perhaps she will bring dd's present along with her dbro's? If not then have it out with her the day after the bday - both you and Dh - tell him he needs to be with you together face to face.

Part of me wants a show down at the party in giving the money back in front of everyone but it really would be a step to far IMO - and it is ds's party and would really put a damper on things - if ds is agreeable give the money back when you speak to her.

Do go in with a positive spin - tell her how much you want her to bond as a gp - it gives her an opportunity to turn it around with less bad feeling - whilst letting her know her behaviour was wrong and that it won't be tolerated.

Then sit back and see what Christmas brings - she may well learn her lesson and sort her head out - if still no joy then you'll know where the lines are drawn and can draw your own accordingly.

I honestly think it is because dd is adopted, everyone else us given a present and nit her, awful . You need to talk to DH about this and tell him there are no ifs or buts, he has to rake a stand on this with his mother. It's disgraceful! If he won't, you most certainly do, and will not accept any oresents from them until this changes.

Tell ds that yiu will not accept a present from them because they are treating his sister badly, I am sure he won't mind you giving back his present.

Did you get your MIL's permission before you adopted? If she'd asked you to please not adopt because she didn't feel she could truly accept an adopted child what would your reaction have been? Would it have stopped you or would you, like many people who form blended families, believe that other people have no say in your relationship choices but nevertheless their feelings should automatically fall in line with yours, including feelings about newly-acquired stepchildren?

Whilst to some extent people should try to support those they love even when they make decisions they don't agree with, there are many people merrily making decisions that impact on others without caring much about that impact, and are surprised when they don't get care and consideration in return.

In short, you have no right to decide how anyone else SHOULD feel about your child, your step-child or your adopted child. They were not a party to your decision to adopt. Oh, the poor child, not getting presents. Well, that is your problem, not everyone else's and you should have considered whether your family members supported genuinely your decision to adopt, not expected to have some sort of lien over their feelings. Care and consideration work both ways.