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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ripping with my mil about this

416 replies

mineallmine · 20/10/2014 15:45

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 20/10/2014 16:23

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

:(

It sounds very much like this is the reason OP.

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 16:25

Agree that it needs dealing with now - be clear, they have to be consistant, so they can't give your DS a gift if there's no gift forthcoming for DD. It could be (clutching at straws) they intend to give a gift for DD in person, but have the conversation now.

Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 16:27

They're home for a family occasion in November and dh says he'll talk to her then. I'd rather have it done and dusted before then so that any ruffled feathers are smoothed again before they come home. We have only two children and ds would be very happy to support dd by not accepting a present because he noticed the lack of money in the birthday card.

I'm hoping it was just an oversight but two years in a row? And a poundland present for Christmas? I don't think it was an oversight. Part of me thinks it MAY be because they think we're very comfortably off financially and think she doesn't need it? I hope that's it. It's still not fair but preferable to the alternative.

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 20/10/2014 16:28

Sounds like the perfect timing to tackle the issue what with a birthday and being before Christmas and everything.

I'd just calmly say 'oh €20 that's very kind of you, but the ds don't need the money and as dd didn't get any I'd rather they were treated the same'. Or something...

DealForTheKids · 20/10/2014 16:28

I'm also grasping at staws here, but is it possible that it's a currency thing? You mention Euros and the fact they live in a different country, I wondered whether she was sending pounds to the other kids who live in the UK, whereas she doesn't think she should send you pounds as DD wouldn't be able to use them?

To be honest I can't see a reason for ever treating one GC worse differently to another, be it a bonding thing or (and god I hope it's not) an adoption thing. Sad

moxon · 20/10/2014 16:29

I guess the adopted thing is on my mind too but, possibly, is it not perhaps an age thing? You say the next youngest is 10; maybe they just feel that money or fancier gifts can wait a while til she's older, and can understand, like Ds and other cousins?
Your post made me feel quite sad. :(

Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 16:31

I'd hoped it was because they intended to bring home a present but I spoke to them the day after her birthday and wouldn't they have mentioned it?

Yes, they've been away for 12 years but are very close to their dd's child ( the 11 year old) because SIL visits them quite often and they stay with her when they come home.

DH phone his sister and asked her straight out if her dd (the same 11 year old) got money in her card! He's no problem being straight with his siblings, it's his mother he's wary of!

OP posts:
Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 16:31

We're in Ireland so euros are the currency in both countries.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 20/10/2014 16:32

Your PILs are being unreasonable and sadly adoption may be the reason. To avoid you becoming the enemy in this their son needs to deal with and ask why his children are being treated differently

GrouchyKiwi · 20/10/2014 16:34

I too think you should sort out before they come over. But I also wanted to say that your DS sounds like a great kid. Smile

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 16:37

I would sell it to your DH that if he wants to give his mother chance to "save face" if she has been excluding DD because she's adopted and hasn't realised this has been noticed by the other members of the family (including DD) then it's best he says something now so that when she does come over, she can bring a gift with her for DD - while you and DH will know it's because of your 'chat', your DS might just think "oh, Granny isn't being mean, she sends me cash because I'm older and she brought a gift in person for my sister".

Right now, it's not just you that feels badly about her, she's ruining her relationship with her DGS, your DS.. And as your DH has asked his siblings, they must realise your mum is leaving out your DD and unless they are hideous people, they'll feel a little bit less of their mum for doing this (even if they publicly back her if she complains about you 'having words').

The most 'face saving' and 'big family fight avoiding' action is to say something in advance, giving opportunity for your MIL to fix this.

Waiting until she's arrived empty handed for DD but with gifts for DS means she is backed into a bitchy person corner.

Kindest thing your DH can do is talk to her now...

Xenadog · 20/10/2014 16:46

I agree 100% with mary about how to deal with this woman. If your DH hasn't got the backbone to speak to his mother then you need to say something and I'm afraid I can't imagine things ending up pretty. It sounds like your MIL is treating your dd differently because she is adopted (could there be any other reason?) and that is just not on. She needs to change the way she treats your dd or she needs to be out of your lives.

tellmeastory · 20/10/2014 17:31

I would let your DS open his card in front of your MIL and if there's money inside say something like 'isn't that kind, let's share it with your sister as she didn't get anything from Gran for her Birthday, did she'.

Or say nothing and just share the money between them anyway.

FWIW, one or two of my in laws often 'forget' to give as much to DS2 as they give to DS1, what they don't realise is we share everything between them anyway. My in laws aren't on our doorstep and although I'm fond of them, distance can be a good thing.

Original poster
mineallmine · 20/10/2014 18:12

I spoke to dh again and said I thought it would be better to have the conversation before they come home but he's adamant that it should be a face-to-face conversation so will wait til they get home.

I appreciate all the posts. I always second-guess myself when it comes to my MIL and out of loyalty to dh, I don't want to talk to friends about it (and anyway they'd side with me because they're my friends) so outside views are great.

OP posts:
gingee · 20/10/2014 18:19

You and your dh need to present a united frnot and confront her ASAP. Be adult, polite and honest about it and see how she responds. If it's an adoption thing, either she grovels to within an inch of her life and you cautiously let her in your lives, or you cut her out totally and forever.

Kewcumber · 20/10/2014 18:22

"Darling Mother,

You have forgotten to send DD anything for her birthday or Christmas for the past couple of years. Obviously she is too young to notice so no real worries there but DS is certainly old enough and has noticed so if you want to stave off some rather awkward questions from him about why you've been treating her differently (he is at that age and asks the most awkward questions and does not care who he asks them in front of, it really can be terribly embarassing don't ya know) then you'd be wise to bring her a nice present along with his. I thought you'd prefer the heads up rather than deal with the wrath of DS who can be sweetly protective of his little sister! Hope all is well chez vous and looking forward oodles to seeing you and Grampy in November.

Love and kisses

Your devoted son

Fred"

But then I am a passive aggressive bitch.

Alternatively just burn the witch.

Lunastarfish · 20/10/2014 18:23

Do you have more children than your DH's siblings have? Maybe she isn't giving anything because, as you say, she receives all the hand me downs and doesn't want for anything. However, I suspect it is because she is adopted

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 18:29

If he's determined to do it face to face, then I guess you've got to go with that. Unfortunately, that means when they have arrived without anything and it's going to be more of an issue, but it's his parents, I guess it's his call.

Mammanat222 · 20/10/2014 18:33

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again

I think - sadly - it could be very relevant!

I agree that your DH needs to speak to her about this, but he needs to do it soon before DD notices.

If it is the reason above I'd completely support your decision never to speak to the bitch again!

VenusRising · 20/10/2014 18:34

This reminds me sadly of the reaction of some family members in Ireland when my cousin adopted a little girl from china.

They were farmers and bred cattle and sadly all they could think about was the strength of the bloodlines yadda yadda.
It took them years to accept the little girl as one of their own, but now that they have had more comtact, they absolutely adore her.

Sometimes it takes a little time and an understanding ear to find out what the problem is- ime most times it's just ignorance rather than malice.

Having said that, you could dump them in it in publically and say that they are getting a bad reputation by treating your dd differently to your DS. Nothing like a bit of public shaming to snap people out of their prejudices.

Hope the visit goes well, and all survive, and leave on better terms.

Hissy · 20/10/2014 19:14

your H needs to man up and make the call to give them the chance to save face.

if they do nothing YOU have full carte blanche to pin her up against the fucking wall take it up with her directly.

tell her that ALL gifts will be returned/refused until she treats ALL your family members equally.

who the fuck would do that to a 4yo?

frazmum · 20/10/2014 19:21

It needs dealing with - I was the DD who got less than the others from our Grandma. Weirdly my brother was adopted and was treated the same as the other cousins who weren't. Apparently it was because she wanted me to be a boy. Christmas was especially tough when the whole extended family got together to open presents.

In my early teens she had a complete turn-around, realised what she'd done, apologised and we ended up have a great relationship.

Original poster
mineallmine · 10/11/2014 18:39

OK, so MIL is now home on her visit and called to see us yesterday afternoon. I was out for a couple of hours, leaving dh and dd at home alone with his mother. I came home and as I came in the door, he whispered 'I didn't say anything.' And when I asked him why he didn't say anything, he said it didn't feel right and too much time had passed, it was too close to the family do that's happening next week. I told him he's afraid of his mother. He says 'There's no point is creating bad feeling now.'

Urgh! I want to strangle him!

So, wise MNers, as I see it my options are:

  1. DS's birthday is on Sat, same day as the family do. They will most likely give him a card with money in it. Give the money back and say it's not fair to give to one and not the other. Don't know if I'd have the balls to do it and don't really want to involve DS.
  2. Wait til Christmas and see what happens regarding presents. If there's a repeat, say it myself to them because DH will never have the balls to do it himself
  3. Let DS accept his card and still say it to MIL before she goes home. They'll probably make one more visit here before they go home. They usually stay here the night before they travel home because we're near the airport.
OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSanity · 10/11/2014 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rembrandtsrockchick · 10/11/2014 18:47

In all this awful mess what stands out for me is that your son is lovely. MiL sounds awful at best but your son is just great.

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