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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays and in laws!

180 replies

outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 13:53

My MIL is being very clingy these days. Completely understandable because she lost GFIL at the start of the year, after a long illness. DH and I are trying to be supportive, speaking regularly on the phone, sending gifts, seeing her and FIL as often as we can (they live a 5 hour drive away, which means this has to be for a weekend, which we manage 4-5 times a year).

MIL and FIL have recently started to press extremely hard for a family holiday away. However, while I am comfortable to go for a weekend, I know that I cannot emotionally or practically be there for a whole week.

There are several aspects to this. Firstly, DH has a very responsible job and is often able to take less than 10 days' holiday a year. (Yes, he has a statutory entitlement to more, but feels that he has to be present more often to keep on top of things and look after the people he looks after). If we spent a week with PIL, it would be literally almost all of that time used up. We barely get time to ourselves! Selfishly, I would like us to be able to take a holiday alone.

Secondly, I am quite a private person, but PIL insist that the entire day from 9am to 11pm has to be filled with Activities, and all of those Activities have to be done as a group - meaning that there is literally no time for people to do their own thing. If you opt out, there is sulking! You even have to go together in the same car, which means there can be no escape. For someone as pathetically introverted as me, I find this a real challenge!

Thirdly, PIL are extremely loud and they talk without stopping from one end of the day to the next. If there is no-one in the room, they will talk to themselves. Naturally with so much talking there is very little space for them to listen to anyone else. I have health problems and sometimes I can't do the activities they want to do - and however clearly I try to express this (and I have been quite blunt about it) they simply bulldoze me and go ahead anyway. I find this very difficult to deal with, particularly as it often leads to embarrassment/pain or anxiety about embarrassment/pain on my part!

WIBU to say no to the whole week, but yes to a weekend as part of it? How should I go about dealing with this. I can't emphasize enough that PIL mean well and have had a rough time lately, but are just very used to having their own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 13:55

Ooops - we see them 4-5 times a year normally, obviously more this year since family circumstances have been so challenging. Sorry for the confusion.

OP posts:
anyoldname76 · 20/10/2014 13:58

Well what does your dh want to do? They are his parents

Spadequeen · 20/10/2014 13:58

No is a complete sentence.

Leeds2 · 20/10/2014 14:00

What does your OH think about it?

Could you go on a longer break than a weekend, say 3 - 4 days, somewhere different (as opposed to going to say at their house)?

Or go to a hotel with them, and you come home before they do?

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 20/10/2014 14:03

Having recently been away with my PIL (and resolved never to do so again unless we are staying in our own accommodation!), I would take a stance that you have already made holiday plans for next year/following year/etc etc, but if they want to organise their own break, you will see if you can fit into part of it. Then, when you do acquiesce, you'll be seen to be compromising.

They must know how limited your DH's holiday is??

NickiFury · 20/10/2014 14:03

Well it's once in a life time, you never have to do it again and you can be firm on the all day activity schedule.

Original poster
outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 14:06

Sorry, I should have said about DH's attitude, shouldn't I? DH definitely does not want to go for the whole week, but is terrible at saying no to them! They are good at making you feel terribly guilty.

We regularly do have breaks where we arrive on the Friday and leave on the Sunday morning while they stay on over the Monday, but PIL complain that this isn't long enough! Neither of us feel that we can really manage more though.

One problem is that they simply don't understand the nature of work commitments. BIL has very much more flexible hours, and they simply don't understand that DH's work doesn't allow for that and indeed that he has to work a lot of evenings and weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 14:09

NickiFury - if it were once-in-a-lifetime, I would go. It won't be, though. It'll be this holiday, then another, then another, then another. The demands are really ramping up.

I wonder if others have experience of this happening as parents get older? They are v sprightly still and have far more energy than we do, but wondering if psychologically something has changed??

OP posts:
arna · 20/10/2014 14:18

Agree - it'll set a precedent (speaks the bitter voice of experience!) I have a similar issue and after enduring a few years of a week's holiday with the ILS, I refused to do it this year which has caused a huge amount of tension as well as being cast as the villain. I would try to argue for a long weekend and try to stay in separate accommodation. Some space and privacy will definitely help otherwise make DH take the kids by himself (something my DH was loathed to do - funny that!)

Primrose123 · 20/10/2014 14:23

Don't do it. I like my in-laws, but don't enjoy their company very much if that makes sense. Have a day or afternoon out with them, but don't sacrifice your only holiday to spend it doing something you don't want to do with people you don't want to do it with. If you do it once it will be expected every year, trust me.

And there is nothing pathetic about being introverted - it is the best way to be!

KERALA1 · 20/10/2014 14:28

I would not go on a summer holiday with anyone least of all in laws. That's our time to hang out as a family - in the evenings dh and I lie on sofas drinking wine. We have a week with my family in the spring which is great but we both find long sociable dinners every evening wearing by day 3. Dh works long hours and we are sociable the rest of the year but our 2 weeks in the summer is to recharge. The thought of having to be with other people let alone annoying ones would fill me with dread!

NickiFury · 20/10/2014 14:30

Well I wouldn't allow it to set a precedent but I would do it once. They won't be around forever. But you clearly don't want to and just want people to agree that's ok, which of course it is. It's completely up to you.

anyoldname76 · 20/10/2014 14:34

Tbh I would have a holiday with them, just set ground rules of once every 3 years or so. I would hate it if my children didn't want a family holiday with us when they were grown up.

RandomMess · 20/10/2014 14:37

I find it a bit worrying that they are so needy to spend so much more time with you just because GFIL has died, it's not like MIL has lost FIL - why do they need you to fill that void?

I would say no - yes to a couple of extra weekends meeting half way or something but they can do lots of activity stuff without you guys being there...

Original poster
outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 14:40

Primrose - that puts it perfectly! I love my inlaws (and I really mean that sincerely), but I find them hard to be around for any lengthy period of time.

Part of the issue is that they absolutely run on rails and any departure from the programme they have decided on fills them with consternation. Neither of them has really had to compromise for many years, so it doesn't come easily to them - and I mean that they genuinely find it very hard to see the world from another person's perspective rather than that they are awful! DH had a breakdown a while ago (thankfully he's better now) and even for that there was no departure from the demands - for the first, and I hope only, time, I had to get a but stroppy with them. MIL has a habit of cutting across anyone when they are talking and literally repeating one word at increasing volume until they stop and pay her attention and DH was physically flinching to the point that he went upstairs and was sick in the loo.

They don't mean to be domineering, but it can feel oppressive after a bit. One other difference is that they have been retired for eons, so they are honestly bored most days and see holidays as a time to race around doing things. Whereas DH and I are knackered most days and see holidays as an excuse to lie around, go for walks, and drink wine. I feel bad because I think a lot of the loudness and bustle comes from their complete and utter excitement at the family being together, which is very very sweet and lovely in a lot of ways.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/10/2014 14:40

sounds awful.

So your husband rarely takes days off, but will do so now that mummy & daddy have started demanding a holiday with him-nice!

no way would I holiday with an adult who sulks.

randomAXEofkindness · 20/10/2014 14:47

Don't go, obviously. It's enough to say that you just don't fancy it. You don't need a more substantial justification for declining. They don't have a right to your company simply because they're related to you.

RandomMess · 20/10/2014 15:00

I wonder if you can plan a week long itinery for them somewhere about 1-2 hours away where you can join them for a couple of days???

Keep suggesting/finding things for them to do that you can tag on.

You will need to be firm about your boundaries though it seems.

OnlyLovers · 20/10/2014 15:05

You don't need to 'feel bad'. You're not 'pathetic' or 'selfish'. You and your DH work hard, get little time off together and deserve to spend the time you do get in exactly the way you want to.

Your DH needs to say no to them. You don't need to make excuses or explain anything beyond 'We have other plans for our time off.'

Neither of you have anything to feel guilty about. If they start a guilt trip, ignore it. Or say 'There's no point trying to make me feel guilty.' If your MIL does the one word repeated at increasing volume thing (Hmm is she three?), put the phone down/leave the room.

Take the holiday YOU want to take and enjoy it!

Penfold007 · 20/10/2014 15:11

Your DP has boundary issues, there really is nothing good about not taking your statutory leave, it not good for employees or the organisation.

He needs to tell his patents that a short break is possible but not a full holiday.

amicissimma · 20/10/2014 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottapianos · 20/10/2014 15:47

Agree with Penfold - your DH needs to start taking all the leave he is entitled to.

Your description of the non stop activities, all travelling in one car and sulking if you don't join in makes me want to scream on your behalf! There is no way I would even entertain this OP. You are not a child and do not need anyone to organise your holiday time thank you. Like you, I really value peace and quiet and I just would not be able to tolerate these demands. You are more than justified in not wanting to go.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 20/10/2014 15:50

My ILs are 72 and 73 now and just recently their desire for the family to be together has ramped up. After this year's horrendous holiday, they have booked a house for next year - my BIL and his family are already going but we're going to have to say no.

And the Christmas guilt has suddenly started as they 'want us all together'. Everyone together is three under three, running around like maniacs, and no peace whatsoever! It's hell for me so I can't imagine what they get out of it.

So I wonder if it is an age thing and we'll be like this one day! But I like to think we'll be able to appreciate that other adults have their own responsibilities.

It's a shame they can't find the motivation to fill their retirement with other interesting ways to spend their time, which might keep them entertained (and out of your hair!).

Lottapianos · 20/10/2014 15:59

Love your last paragraph MustBe. Just spent weekend with ILs - both retired and have been for some time. They have hardly any hobbies and minimal social life and seem to feel that its DP's job (only child) to provide all their happiness and excitement. He had the Spanish Inquisition about Xmas, knowing that if we don't visit, they will be sitting there on The day in separate rooms like they do every other day Hmm its a huge burden for him

OliviaBenson · 20/10/2014 16:06

No way would I do this- we also have a clingy MIL and holidaying with them would be my idea of hell!

That said, you need to get your DH to readdress the balance- him not taking his leave is outrageous. Why is work more important than his family (you!)? He also needs to tell his parents to back off a bit.