Holidays and in laws!

[outofcontrol2014]

My MIL is being very clingy these days. Completely understandable because she lost GFIL at the start of the year, after a long illness. DH and I are trying to be supportive, speaking regularly on the phone, sending gifts, seeing her and FIL as often as we can (they live a 5 hour drive away, which means this has to be for a weekend, which we manage 4-5 times a year).

MIL and FIL have recently started to press extremely hard for a family holiday away. However, while I am comfortable to go for a weekend, I know that I cannot emotionally or practically be there for a whole week.

There are several aspects to this. Firstly, DH has a very responsible job and is often able to take less than 10 days' holiday a year. (Yes, he has a statutory entitlement to more, but feels that he has to be present more often to keep on top of things and look after the people he looks after). If we spent a week with PIL, it would be literally almost all of that time used up. We barely get time to ourselves! Selfishly, I would like us to be able to take a holiday alone.

Secondly, I am quite a private person, but PIL insist that the entire day from 9am to 11pm has to be filled with Activities, and all of those Activities have to be done as a group - meaning that there is literally no time for people to do their own thing. If you opt out, there is sulking! You even have to go together in the same car, which means there can be no escape. For someone as pathetically introverted as me, I find this a real challenge!

Thirdly, PIL are extremely loud and they talk without stopping from one end of the day to the next. If there is no-one in the room, they will talk to themselves. Naturally with so much talking there is very little space for them to listen to anyone else. I have health problems and sometimes I can't do the activities they want to do - and however clearly I try to express this (and I have been quite blunt about it) they simply bulldoze me and go ahead anyway. I find this very difficult to deal with, particularly as it often leads to embarrassment/pain or anxiety about embarrassment/pain on my part!

WIBU to say no to the whole week, but yes to a weekend as part of it? How should I go about dealing with this. I can't emphasize enough that PIL mean well and have had a rough time lately, but are just very used to having their own way.

Tying up a big chunk of holiday leave with extended family limits what free time you have together. Bad enough DH has to put in so many extra hours at work already, especially when health-wise he has already given cause for concern.

You say he is terrible at saying no to them! yet he doesn't have trouble fobbing you off.

God willing your PILs could live for many years to come, and when your DCs grow up and are old enough to want to do their own thing, you and DH will be sitting ducks, unless you put your foot down now. Use DH's health as well as your health if need be.

And you too need a break in routine, it is not all about DH. Devotion to work, attention to detail and micro managing at work can all detract from helping out with DCs and domestic stuff as well as 1:1 time with you.

Nuclear family time is very very important, especially when one parent is working a lot of hours and during weekends. Really important. Important enough to let the in-laws go hang and keep the summer holidays just for you, your DH and children.

4-5 weekends a year is a lot, given your DH's commitments (though I agree not taking all his holiday requirement is daft, short-sighted and should change). And as you say OP, the demands are likely to ramp up the more you agree to, so this would be a good time to set a firm boundary in place.

I also think you probably need firmer boundaries anyway, so you don't get railroaded in activities etc. However nice your in-laws are, it doesn't sound as though you are getting much adult-to-adult respect from them, and that is not good.

Honestly, keep summer holidays for yourselves.

NO NO NO DO NOT DO IT! Don't spend your precious holiday with your inlaws. We did that two summers ago. NEVER again. It was a disaster (for the adults - the kids barely noticed) A weekend maybe. Not an entire week. My MIL - I like her - but she has no tolerance for early risers. And when I say early, I don't mean proper early - I mean 7am, which is pretty standard for young children. She also doesn't understand why active children get fidgety at the table and many other things. There were also many issues with food/cooking and organising day trips and so on.
We get one whole week a year for a 'proper' holiday. I will never ever spend it with anyone but DH and the DC again.

Perhaps some of your PILs are dreadful people but honestly it is so depressing to read this. I have boys, I have a DIL I really like. I now wonder if she likes me or eventually will start to keep me away from my son just because she can. I was a DIL once too and I don't think I acted as 'gatekeeper' to keep my PILs at a distance; they weren't my parents but they were nice people and they were my partner's parents; similarly he didn't try to keep my parents away from my family. Don't spend a holiday with them if you don't want to but this prevalent MN attitude that PILs are something to be resented is so sad. It's just possible you know that your MIL doesn't think you are perfect but she loves her son and her GC and wants to spend time with them. You might be a MIL one day - karma is a curious thing!

angstridden, perhaps many more people than you think have perfectly lovely PILs. But in that case, they are far less likely to post how lovely they are.

People use this place to vent, so of course you are going to see far more posts about problem PILs.

FryOneFatManic that is true of course; hopefully these forums (fora?) are not representative; if they are, anyone with sons is in trouble it would seem.

I think the amount of time you are spending with them is more than reasonable, given your schedules and what sounds like unbearable togetherness requirements. I am definitely not an introvert but it sounds awful - I am very grateful my PILs don't get the hump when I prefer to do my own thing (not that I would railroad them into dong something they didn't want to, either). Say no to the holiday. Your DH is just going to have to man up and do it - he should mind at least as much about your happiness as that of his DPs.

We took my mum on a self-catering holiday a couple of years ago 6/12 after dad died. For a fortnight what were we thinking?.

It was awful she thought it marvellous as she was selfish, cringingly loud & embarrassing in restaurants, did nothing to help, hogged the bathroom, made rude comments about DH, set DS up to get him in trouble he was too polite to tell me till after the holiday & we have said never again though she keeps angling.

I think your dh should speak frankly to his parents about how little holiday he actually has to play with, and then go on to arrange a 3 night weekend somewhere that suits you all.
It's a compromise, and sometimes that's the best you can hope for.

In other news, I find myself agreeing with angstridden as well. There is a definite overtone on here that encourages gatekeeping as though it were reasonable.
"My mil expects to be included in our lives. I know she's dh's mother and all that, but frankly who gives a shit? I'm here now and I call the shots, right?"
To paraphrase.

There are those who have genuinely difficult in-laws, then those who just can't stand the competition and feel compelled to blow poor old mil out of the water, just because they can.
Angstridden makes a good point.

Why would you waste all your free time hanging out with your husbands parents? You're adults, do what you want in the company of people you enjoy, life is too short to be spent indulging bored, needy grown ups who can't be arsed entertaining themselves.

Your DH doesn't want to. They are his parents. If he really wanted to do this, then I'd say try to force yourself but only on the clear understanding that it's a one-off, not the start of an annual event. But he doesn't want to. So don't do it.

Oh no mil wanted that this summer. Kept saying she wanted a 'family holiday' whilst she was still around. Strange how she couldn't give a shit when she had FIL around to holiday with. I would have killed her within a day. She witters on and on and on saying same thing over and over and not actually listening to anything anyone else says. If I hear one more time the car door story I may run x teaming for the hills. She also has very different ideas on holidays to myself and would just sit back and let us pay for every meal, excursion, drink etc....

I can understand those dismayed at the tone towards in-laws, but I think on these threads people replying are not necessarily revealing a general attitude or how they see their own in-laws, but factoring in that the relationship is already difficult and advising accordingly. I certainly did.

I did holiday with my own in-laws. I never really thought about it, it was just the natural thing to do. But then, despite some tensions in their relationship with DH, they were always decent to us during those visits. I just think where there are real issues no one should feel they nevertheless HAVE to spend extended periods with in-laws. Apart from anything else, it could end up fracturing the relationship beyond repair,so no one spends time together anyway.

Gosh, they sound extremely selfish and self-absorbed.

In fact they are so toxic they get their son to a point where he literally has to throw up

Like a pp said, if it was FIL who died maybe understandable, it was MIL's father? How old is she?

I lost my parents in the last few years. Shit happens. It's life.

I think both of you put far too much weight onto PIL's needs, look after your own!

And I am an introvert, and have boisterous ott family. I do not go on holiday with them anymore cos it's always their way is the highway. and they think me weird wanting to stay behind and read a book

Holidays is about recharging the batteries however you see fit.

Those concerned about their DiLs one day treating them like the OP would like to treat hers (and she has said several times she is very fond of them), if you don't try to railroad your son/DiL into all day plans and activities willing or not that stress them out, allow them no downtime on holiday or understand they might want some time to themselves occasionally, don't sulk if you don't get your own way, and don't stress out your son by cutting across everyone to repeat one word louder and louder to make the room stop and pay attention to the point he goes upstairs to throw up..... my guess is that you'll be fine.

It's not the degree of relationship, it's the behaviour the OP is asking for support with. Being a PiL doesn't mean you get to be a PITA.

I go on holiday with my PILs but that's because they are reasonable people who allow us to do things the way we want occasionally.

OP, perhaps you need to write to your in-laws and explain why you don't want to go on holiday with them. Instead of doing it in a blaming way, you could write what YOU NEED during a holiday and see if they offer it.

Chances are they won't, then you will have at least let them know why you're saying no.

My SIL was a bitch to go on holiday with, and one year we just told her why we didn't want to holiday with her any more. She was furious but TBH from our point of view it was a relief.

I'm a MIL, with DGCs and I agree with you. Don't do it.
They sound quite awful and inconsiderate.

Maybe they should consider putting their boundless energies into some sort of charity work instead of hijacking your lives.

Stay strong and resist.

How old are your DCs?
Would you trust the ILs to take your DCs on holiday on their own?

Or would the ILs not want that?

We spend several weeks a year and multiple weekends with my in-laws as DH's family live overseas and clearly he wants to see them as much as possible. 2+ weeks this summer was hard for me but bearable because we always stay in our own place - that's the only way it works.

I assume your ILS are just wanting quality time with you all. Do you work? Could they not either spend a week at yours or near to yours,whilst your husband is still working.You could work out a nice itinerary of trips but explain that you are only available for one or two of them and in the evenings you could all be together.Maybe DH could take some time owing by being home early every day that week or working a half day one day so you can all do something nice? I know this might be a bit of an IL overload but it might be a compromise to using up precious annual leave.

I think that you should book a holiday for you and DH, then see what days you have left to fit in visiting PIL for the rest of the year. Given your DH'S breakdown, he will head for another one if he doesn't step back from his work occasionally and allow himself to relax and recuperate. If there is any chance that the PIL might try to muscle in on it, don't tell them where you are going because this is strictly for both of you and it would be pointless to have a holiday for R and R if the PIL were there. Simply having the choice of what you do and when, and what suits your capabilities and health needs takes a lot of pressure off. This should be your priority.

Also, could you plan your week-end visits to them so that you are only with them for a short time, and maybe staying in a B&B or Travelodge if you need the escape. If you went on a bank holiday week-end for example, you could arrange to pick them up for a day out on the day you see them, then deliver them home and you go back to your B&B, have a peaceful meal out and a restful night's sleep, and the rest of the week-end is your own. Take the opportunity to see places that you've not been to before but always wanted to, or even just go home and spend a quiet day or two. Don't feel that you must answer any calls either. The fact that you are not staying in their home changes the dynamic so that they are not the hosts, therefore you do not feel bound to comply with their wishes. If you are taking them out you get to offer what you are happy doing and when you take them home.

We had a couple of holidays with my parents when the children were young, and it was fine. But our taste in holidays is similar, they travel more than we do, and they are fine driving abroad. It wasn't us taking them, or them taking us.

So each time we rented a house for a fortnight, arrived there, and a few days later my parents turned up for week so we also had time to ourselves at the end as well. That meant we had two cars, no need to spend the day together if people wanted to do different things (and in fact on a few occasions one of us went with one of them, the other with the other), we went out and ate a few times in the evening thanks to the on-hand babysitting, they went out and ate to get away from small children and we all spent time together when we wanted to. The second time the house had what amounted to a granny flat, which was even better.

The fundamental things were two cars and parents who were perfectly happy to go off on their own for a day. Without that, it would be hell.

Sorry if I missed this, is DH an only child?

Bereavement can sometimes make people feel very aware of what family they have left and draw them closer. You and DH have put thought into being supportive. But I wonder if the proposed holiday may be a precursor to the topic of where you all live being raised. If PILs have been living five hours' away to be near to the older generation with the loss of GFIL they could start to look at moving closer.

Just a thought.