Holidays and in laws!

[outofcontrol2014]

My MIL is being very clingy these days. Completely understandable because she lost GFIL at the start of the year, after a long illness. DH and I are trying to be supportive, speaking regularly on the phone, sending gifts, seeing her and FIL as often as we can (they live a 5 hour drive away, which means this has to be for a weekend, which we manage 4-5 times a year).

MIL and FIL have recently started to press extremely hard for a family holiday away. However, while I am comfortable to go for a weekend, I know that I cannot emotionally or practically be there for a whole week.

There are several aspects to this. Firstly, DH has a very responsible job and is often able to take less than 10 days' holiday a year. (Yes, he has a statutory entitlement to more, but feels that he has to be present more often to keep on top of things and look after the people he looks after). If we spent a week with PIL, it would be literally almost all of that time used up. We barely get time to ourselves! Selfishly, I would like us to be able to take a holiday alone.

Secondly, I am quite a private person, but PIL insist that the entire day from 9am to 11pm has to be filled with Activities, and all of those Activities have to be done as a group - meaning that there is literally no time for people to do their own thing. If you opt out, there is sulking! You even have to go together in the same car, which means there can be no escape. For someone as pathetically introverted as me, I find this a real challenge!

Thirdly, PIL are extremely loud and they talk without stopping from one end of the day to the next. If there is no-one in the room, they will talk to themselves. Naturally with so much talking there is very little space for them to listen to anyone else. I have health problems and sometimes I can't do the activities they want to do - and however clearly I try to express this (and I have been quite blunt about it) they simply bulldoze me and go ahead anyway. I find this very difficult to deal with, particularly as it often leads to embarrassment/pain or anxiety about embarrassment/pain on my part!

WIBU to say no to the whole week, but yes to a weekend as part of it? How should I go about dealing with this. I can't emphasize enough that PIL mean well and have had a rough time lately, but are just very used to having their own way.

Are you much younger than your husband? If he is older than his mid 30s then animal shapes for a woman in her 30s or 40s is strange. It's more appropriate for a 6 year old. I'm surprised you didn't say anything when this started.
You sound a bit keen to get overinvolved in other people's emotional problems if you'd go up to an adult you didn't know who was crying and ask if you could help. I'd do that with an unaccompanied child, but if I was crying about something I'd be pissed off if randoms kept coming up and fussing rather than leaving me to cry in peace, probably why many people avoid crying in public.
If I want help I'll ask for help, if I want to cry then please let me cry. It's just an emotion.
It sounds as though the amount of contact you have with them will never be enough so I'd stick to what suits you and tell them if they nag that the nagging and clinginess makes you want to spend more time with them not less as they are never happy and you feel manipulated by their moaning.

We have had 3 breaks with PIL. They live 130 ish miles away and FIL has a chronic health condition which flares up and is debilitating. He can't drive any more so MIL has to do that. They are good company, kind, funny and we get on incredibly well with them. Wha I have learned is have to be private times where people can opt out and do what they like without offending ayone, and that we all need space physically.
A whole week in a cottage in Argyll in the rain almost did me and DH in. We drove so MIL got a break - so only had one car. It turned out DH had booked a cottage with one double room and a tiny room with bunk beds- which we took of course. We never slept a wink. The bunkbeds were rickety, tiny - for children- and the room was big enough just for the bunkbeds and a stool to put a lamp on. I had to sleep on the top because DH is so tall he could not get up there without banging his head on the sloping ceiling. Everytime he turned over in the bottom bunk the top one shook.
I am quite a private person, I like space and peace and it drove me mad. One day DH and I went out for a walk in the rain alone and I cried with the stress of it all for about 5 minutes non- stop.
It was in the middle of nowhere so we could not book into a hotel. But we never complained because PIL were having such a lovely time. We had lovely days out, sailed on the loch (which FIL loves) and saw some beautiful places and when the sun did shine it was fab.
When we got home we spent days just recovering-sleeping, laughing, having sex, there had been none of those three for a week when we were alone. The bliss of being in our own house was over- whelming. DH had a lot of making up to do over that booking.

So space and private time to do as you want are my bottom line now. We spend money making sure it is a very nice hotel or a large cottage- last time we found one with two cottages next to each other, one on one level and adapted for physically challenged which suited FIL as he had not been well.

Agree with Lulu. The last time we went away with extended family we had neighbouring apartments. Meant no-one got the crap bedroom and you had your own space. My husband the kids and I all quite like our own company at times to read/ go online/ playgames etcand are quite happy to tell anyone wanting to live in each other's pockets that we need some time to ourselves.
The most sociable person in the group shouldn't have more say than anyone else.

I was given a copy of this few years to late but found it enlightening.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B002RI9IPG?btkr=1

I've seen recommended on here many times:

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic--Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage-ebook/dp/B003WJRE4Q/ref=sr_1_1?

and

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward-ebook/dp/B003Q6D5PM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1414319174&sr=1-1&keywords=Toxic+parents

PIL treated them very much like children

^^ This rings bells.

However we never feared physical violence form them and they are not socially inept in anyway - if fact opposite. I did get very stressed before and during some visits.

If I wrote out the stunt they have pulled over the years I expect people who be telling us to go NC - which has never been an option - I often wish I could with my own difficult parents though their issues mainly come from their parents - I never could in reality.

I've met a true narc though work - she couldn't understand that she wasn't the most important thing in the world it was like that doesn't compute when she encountered evidence of that fact - my IL were more than capable of understanding other had feelings and different needs they were choosing/trying to make them less important than their wants.

I did wonder if I was the problem at times - it all got so much worse after we had DC possibly not helped by accommodating many times prior to DC - DH wasn't always on board despite sometime being upset by them wanting to minimise and ignore and hope things would magically improve- and they had friends who would ring up and take me to task - they got polite short shrift.

I had to hold my ground which was hard. Luckily MIL always overplay her hand - she lost support when she told her friends she was actively trying to split us up so she get the DC went ever she wanted - and DH finally realised how hurtful her constant little digs when she started doing it to him - and I found she didn't like it back so she stopped.

Horrible for few years - absolutely horrible then suddenly they stopped and started respecting boundaries - after a period they didn't see us though phone calls still happened.

I'm looking forward to their next visit - they stop in nearby hotel not with us which helps no end. They are great company and surprisingly good GP - though do have to keep an eye on them and boundaries ie not undermining us.

It was hard - I only manage to let go of the bitterness at their behaviour when something bad happened and they were only ones to offer support. ( I have to ignore their re-writing of history which can get irritating). I've no idea if we are some kind of exception though.

sorry - that was so long.