SIL (again)

[iamsoannoyed]

More of a vent than an AIBU.

Some of you may remember my previous posts re SIL/BIL and the farm situation (now resolved in one sense).

SIL and BIL (mainly SIL, I think) are still causing headaches. It's very frustrating. For back story, SIL/BIL have 6 children, SIL has a progress illness which causes her to have significant mobility problems and fatigue. We bought them out of BIL share of the farm, as BIL not able to do much of the work on the farm as he was caring for SIL. He refused to consider other options (paying someone to be SIL carer or someone to work on the farm etc). The brothers had taken it over jointly- PIL are still alive and well, just retired. Well, FIL is technically retired- he doesn't seem to understand what that means though! Quite a lot of bad feeling caused by the whole situation, and SIL/BIL feel that DH is the favoured child. Their demands on others became quite unreasonable, so we have put firm boundaries in place as to what and when we will do things. Happy to help out in an emergency though.

Since this the demands are becoming more outrageous. They seem to have interpreted "we'll help in an emergency" as "if we don't bother to sort anything out, then when it needs done imminently we can call it an emergency".

It's driving me bonkers. I have actually refused to do things, which I know has caused them inconvenience- but I feel that they are well and truly taking the p*! i don't mind doing things that don't cause too much inconvenience- such as picking something up/one of their DC from an activity if I am going that way anyway, or on the odd occasion if I have nothing planned. But I draw the line at taking time off work (seriously, SIL has asked me to do this) or cancelling DC activities to facilitate their demands.

Lately a few things have caused major tantrums and they've put PIL in the middle of it all again, which really annoys me-. What DH and I or do not do for BIL/SIl is absolutely nothing do with, nor the responsibility of, my lovely PIL. PIL do quite a lot for them, but I think they have also pulled back a but so they have more time for themselves.

DH and I are taking the children away to the christmas market in Nuremberg just before christmas, we are really excited (it's a surprise for them) and looking forward to spending time as a family. Cover for farm sorted and it'll be the first time we've all got away together for a while. SIL
upset as her children "don't get to go anywhere" and then said "it would have been nice if you'd consulted us first- then we could have arranged for out DC to go with you". I was gob-smacked! Got quite cross and said something along the lines of "we don't consult anyone before planning a family holiday, and I wouldn't be taking all your DC as it would not be a relaxing time". She got offended as apparently I had said her children were unpleasant to be around. I didn't, but taking 8 children (our 2, plus their 6) is not my idea of a fun holiday. I didn't have a large family for a reason!

Next thing is that she has decided 2 of her DDs should have ponies. My DDs both have ponies and I have my own horse. SIL clearly can't help with the care of a pony, and BIL doesn't like them (and has said he doesn't want to do all the "dirty work" of a pony).

I said that I was happy for them to use our field and there are spare stables- for cost of hay etc, but I wasn't going to be looking after their ponies or taking responsibility for shoeing/worming/innoculations/vets visits etc, nor would I be arranging lessons/supervising riding on a daily basis. I felt ground rules needed to be set, or I'd be expected to be the responsible person for their ponies.

I take DD's to pony club and said I wouldn't be responsible for taking their DD's on a regular basis either (and couldn't as no room in the horse box). SIL helpfully suggested I could buy a horse lorry which could carry 4 ponies! I declined to spend our money on that.

SIL/BIL said they think they'd need me to "help a bit more, as they have no experience and won't always be able to do "all they'd like too due to SIL's ill-health". I suggested they considered finding somewhere that did full livery, in that case- they said they can't afford it. SIL then said that I am "preventing her children from having ponies and that's not fair as your DDs get to have all the fun".

MIL has asked me to reconsider, as the girls are very disappointed (I'm irritated SIL told them of the plan before actually asking me). I admit, it wouldn't be too much more effort to bring in/put out ponies. I could supervise the mucking out and some of the riding, without it being too onerous. Still couldn't do the pony club stuff though. I just get the feeling that I would then be left with the entire responsibility for everything, and SIL would not make her DD's do anything if they decided not to (I'm not suggesting her DDs would, merely that I would end up, by default, caring for these ponies if they didn't). And I'm not up for that. At the same time, MIL doesn't ask for much and I don't want to leave 2 little girls very disappointed. I've said I'll think about it. DH says we could "give it a try".

AIBU to say no, when I could do it without too much effort?

Not at all.

In fact, I think it's important that you continue to say no!

They sound like they think that they have a right to all your time, money and attention and you are going to have a constant battle.

I think that every time you do a little, they expect and demand a lot more.

I think you should withdraw the offer of the field, tbh. Because what are you going to do if the ponies arrive and they simply refuse to do all the things they need to? You'll feel obliged because it will be the animals that suffer.

and it will be yet more reenforcement in their minds that you owe them everything.

and what happens if you 'give it a try' and it doesn't work out?

how would you get rid of the ponies?

you wouldn't, would you?

so you'd be stuck.

If your mother in law is so keen, she has the option of taking care of it.

YANBU in the least. Just keep saying no. They are taking the piss.

Say no, seriously it will only end badly

I know I've posted on your threads before but your sil and bil really are unreasonable and piss takers. I say that as someone who is severely disabled with six children and a DH who is my carer. I am gobsmacked by how entitled and rude they are

The more you offer they more they will take because really their circumstances are irrelevant, they are selfish and grabby and that is not caused by disability

Please don't ever feel bad for not bending over and giving in to their demands, you are not the one in the wrong and you have your own family to look after (and do you really think they'd do the same for you if the situations were reversed?)

I have read your story before and I have to begin by saying that you and your DH have been amazingly patient and kind. You have gone well beyond what I could manage and I am astonished you are still speaking to these people. Yes, your SiL is ill but you can be disabled and still be an entitled pain in the arse.

Say No. YANBU. You could suggest a pony share with someon who might help with the work in return for a free use of a pony, or similar. Equally, you could suggest a loan and a trial period to see if it works. However, I would do neither of these things because I am the sort who puts my own family first. I think you should do too, without guilt!

Please please please say no. They are taking the piss !!! If your BIL/SIL can't or won't take full responsibility for the ponies then they should not be getting them. Just because your dds have them does not give you dn a right to have them.
If you say yes you will have to do everything for the life of the pony or until they get bored (you then may be stuck with 2 ponies you don't want!)

No, just no. Why is your BIL not stepping up to prevent HIS DDs from being dissapointed?

They are his responsibility, not yours.

I remember you other threads. I think that despite you buying them out, they still believe that you somehow 'OWW' them.

I understand that she's ill. But It sounds as if they are using that to use you. Very entitled.

If you really want to reconsider for your MIL, could you give your DNs a trial of 3 months of mucking out/riding your DDs ponies first?

owe, not OWW

I think you are entirely right to be concerned that you would be left to do it all. I would also say no, as you know what will happen.

Tell PIL to talk to BIL who can do it all if it is that important.

It is just another stick to try and beat you.

Stand firm.

Yanbu in the slightest to continue saying no.
I have read your past threads on this. I know it's hard when you feel you are being the mean one but you have your own family your nieces disappointment is not your problem.
You are not the only solution to her dd's having ponies if you were I could see why you would feel bad but she can do this without involving you at all just chooses not to.
It is neither your fault or your problem that your dc's have and do things her dd's don't. If she wants her dd's to do riding or any other activity it is up to her as their parent to sort it out not you or anybody else.

Buying two ponies when you are unwilling or unable to look after them sounds ideal....
What age are the nieces in question?
From the age of about 8 I did all the work required for my pony..but I was supervised
Can't they share your daughters ponies?

thanks, I know deep down I'm not being unreasonable. If it weren't for PIL, I wouldn't really have much more to do with them. As it is, I am doing very little anymore.

DH feels guilty about the farm situation (although he does know it's really not his fault)- I think that's why he tries to be conciliatory.

I also feel a bit guilty, as I know how much fun having a pony as a child was for me- I guess I'd like DN's (who are lovely little girls, really) to have that joy to. I just don't want to be responsible for their ponies.

I really feel for the children who are watching their cousins having fun on their ponies but are unable to do the same.

However, I get the impression that whatever you do you will be pressured into doing more. If your SIL wasn't the sort to be constantly pushing the boundaries, I would suggest you looked for a loan pony for them and took it for a trial period but it's pretty clear that you would end up doing all the donkey work plus laying out a fair bit financially and you wouldn't be able to stop it without breaking their hearts by sending their pony back.

I actually think it's kinder to the children to say a firm no right now and stop everyone building their hopes up.

time to stop being so patient I say, go postal and say hell no to everything.
tell them that emotional blackmail in all it's direct and indrect forms will be publicly challenged, no matter who is in earshot and will automatically lead to a categorical refusal.

they're not going to stop taking the piss.

yanbu. her dds cant have ponies because

mother is ill (if she wasnt was she the sort to have looked after ponies)

father has no interest (he is the one with the farming background)

they cant afford livery.

this applies to almost every little girl in the country! i let one of my dds learn to ride but on the understanding that we could never facilitate pony ownership.

the only reason they are considering it is because you exist.

so the answer is no, because you dont want to.

I would seriously be saying no.

You will end up paying for everything for those ponies as you can imagine it will be 'Well the farrier is coming to see yours so can't he see mine' or 'But the dentist is coming anyway....'

I think the situation does sound very sad, and I honestly feel for your SIL, but she is making her illness your responsibility by asking you to take on her role with her children. It might be different if you were blood relatives, but you are not sisters and have only become family through marriage.

So in your situation I would feel exactly the same. Initially sympathetic but now down the line, thoroughly pissed off and put upon.

I wonder if there is a compromise here. Instead of two horses, one placid pony that the two children could ride when the whim takes then but otherwise is a good doer and can be turned out in the field as a companion to your children's ponies. You can make it clear that you will not be responsible for any associated costs but you are happy for the pony to use your field and stable free of charge. I would even go so far as to write something up to make sure they understand what you have agreed as the likely result will be your role steadily increasing.

Having read your previous threads you are so no being unreasonable. They are pushing the boundaries again and dragging PIL into it which is grossly unfair of them.

If they cannot afford full livery they cannot afford to give their DDs ponies full stop. What about if the other 4 turn round and want them later on?

Stand firm.

I think the loan at a full livery of ONE horse they could share would be the best bet.

you havent said but are the girls actually horse mad or just saying yes because it sounds like fun. I have always been horse mad but also had a realistic outlook from about aged 8 that we couldn't afford it nor did I want to do all thethe mucking out or feeding at 5am in winter before school!

I worked as a helper at a stables and got free rides in return is there anything like that around yours?

How old are the girls because thats very relevant?

Also agree with whoever said that if the girls get ponies what do the other 4? get?

If you can, could you sit down with them and point out that you are not there to facilitate their lifestyle (or the one they would like to have)?

You are happy to do 'normal' family stuff but things that require parental involvement are outside your remit.

It's a shame, but they are going to have to start adjusting to their own circumstances, which, if you didn't live close by, they would have to do anyway.

You also have to very kindly point out to ILs that they mustn't interfere in the decisions you make about your family.

I've read your previous posts on this difficult topic and this is the first time you have sounded irritated by your boundary-pushing and frankly piss-taking SIL. I can appreciate that life is very difficult for her, but she seems hell-bent on making yours difficult too.

YANBU about the Christmas market, and YANBU about the ponies. The person she should be trying to persuade is your BIL, not you, and the reason her DD are disappointed is because SHE made them a half-promise, not because you said no: if she hadn't told them that Aunty X would look after the hypothetical ponies, they wouldn't have expected said ponies.

It is not fair on the possible ponies, either: you never, ever get an animal which your family cannot care for or pay to be cared for. Yes, now and then, ask a friend to walk your dog, but don't get a dog you can't walk and expect your friend/sister/neighbour to walk it for you.