SIL (again)

[iamsoannoyed]

More of a vent than an AIBU.

Some of you may remember my previous posts re SIL/BIL and the farm situation (now resolved in one sense).

SIL and BIL (mainly SIL, I think) are still causing headaches. It's very frustrating. For back story, SIL/BIL have 6 children, SIL has a progress illness which causes her to have significant mobility problems and fatigue. We bought them out of BIL share of the farm, as BIL not able to do much of the work on the farm as he was caring for SIL. He refused to consider other options (paying someone to be SIL carer or someone to work on the farm etc). The brothers had taken it over jointly- PIL are still alive and well, just retired. Well, FIL is technically retired- he doesn't seem to understand what that means though! Quite a lot of bad feeling caused by the whole situation, and SIL/BIL feel that DH is the favoured child. Their demands on others became quite unreasonable, so we have put firm boundaries in place as to what and when we will do things. Happy to help out in an emergency though.

Since this the demands are becoming more outrageous. They seem to have interpreted "we'll help in an emergency" as "if we don't bother to sort anything out, then when it needs done imminently we can call it an emergency".

It's driving me bonkers. I have actually refused to do things, which I know has caused them inconvenience- but I feel that they are well and truly taking the p*! i don't mind doing things that don't cause too much inconvenience- such as picking something up/one of their DC from an activity if I am going that way anyway, or on the odd occasion if I have nothing planned. But I draw the line at taking time off work (seriously, SIL has asked me to do this) or cancelling DC activities to facilitate their demands.

Lately a few things have caused major tantrums and they've put PIL in the middle of it all again, which really annoys me-. What DH and I or do not do for BIL/SIl is absolutely nothing do with, nor the responsibility of, my lovely PIL. PIL do quite a lot for them, but I think they have also pulled back a but so they have more time for themselves.

DH and I are taking the children away to the christmas market in Nuremberg just before christmas, we are really excited (it's a surprise for them) and looking forward to spending time as a family. Cover for farm sorted and it'll be the first time we've all got away together for a while. SIL
upset as her children "don't get to go anywhere" and then said "it would have been nice if you'd consulted us first- then we could have arranged for out DC to go with you". I was gob-smacked! Got quite cross and said something along the lines of "we don't consult anyone before planning a family holiday, and I wouldn't be taking all your DC as it would not be a relaxing time". She got offended as apparently I had said her children were unpleasant to be around. I didn't, but taking 8 children (our 2, plus their 6) is not my idea of a fun holiday. I didn't have a large family for a reason!

Next thing is that she has decided 2 of her DDs should have ponies. My DDs both have ponies and I have my own horse. SIL clearly can't help with the care of a pony, and BIL doesn't like them (and has said he doesn't want to do all the "dirty work" of a pony).

I said that I was happy for them to use our field and there are spare stables- for cost of hay etc, but I wasn't going to be looking after their ponies or taking responsibility for shoeing/worming/innoculations/vets visits etc, nor would I be arranging lessons/supervising riding on a daily basis. I felt ground rules needed to be set, or I'd be expected to be the responsible person for their ponies.

I take DD's to pony club and said I wouldn't be responsible for taking their DD's on a regular basis either (and couldn't as no room in the horse box). SIL helpfully suggested I could buy a horse lorry which could carry 4 ponies! I declined to spend our money on that.

SIL/BIL said they think they'd need me to "help a bit more, as they have no experience and won't always be able to do "all they'd like too due to SIL's ill-health". I suggested they considered finding somewhere that did full livery, in that case- they said they can't afford it. SIL then said that I am "preventing her children from having ponies and that's not fair as your DDs get to have all the fun".

MIL has asked me to reconsider, as the girls are very disappointed (I'm irritated SIL told them of the plan before actually asking me). I admit, it wouldn't be too much more effort to bring in/put out ponies. I could supervise the mucking out and some of the riding, without it being too onerous. Still couldn't do the pony club stuff though. I just get the feeling that I would then be left with the entire responsibility for everything, and SIL would not make her DD's do anything if they decided not to (I'm not suggesting her DDs would, merely that I would end up, by default, caring for these ponies if they didn't). And I'm not up for that. At the same time, MIL doesn't ask for much and I don't want to leave 2 little girls very disappointed. I've said I'll think about it. DH says we could "give it a try".

AIBU to say no, when I could do it without too much effort?

What is BIL actually doing? He doesn't work yes seems to need shit loads of help with his own children?

Agree about doing some call screening and just repeating 'ask BIL to do it" or when she says things aren't fair for her children "yes, that's why we stopped at 2, it's very different having 6 to 2 children. Opportunities will always be different"

illness aside, it just sounds like they have issue with you being able to give your kids more in general really. I wouldn't take this on, it is a huge request and who is it going to make happy really?

OP, I remember your previous thread very well - in fact I think I posted on it

First of all, I'm really glad you sorted something out financiall (buying BIL out of the farm) and am even more glad you're planning some nice times together with your own family; I recall the stress it all placed on your DH, so it's wonderful you're making more time for yourselves

Unfortunately, your BIL/SIL had a very long period of manipulating the situation to suit themselves without considering others, and getting used to the "new way of doing things" will take a while; quite clearly they're kicking against the new reality it's all placed on them. You're absolutely doing the right thing in refusing to take on any more for their family - in fact you'd damage them if you did, by delaying the day when they'll learn to look after themselves wherever possible

Stay strong, and sooner or later they'll come to terms with it - there really is nothing to be gained by allowing them to consider themselves the main priority any longer

DH says I should suggest to MIL that if she wants DN to have ponies, she could agree to help out where BIL can't/won't.

No because then that becomes your arrangement and your responsibility to pick up after them.

Your DDs have ponies because they have a parent who has the inclination and resources to look after them.

Your DNs cannot have ponies because they have a parent who has the resources to look after them but not the inclination. Why does the heat get turned on you because your BIL is choosing not to facilitate this? If he were willing to look after the ponies most of the time and ask his mother to step in when he couldn't, he would already have suggested this.

You need to factor him out of the arrangement altogether and accept that, if your DNs get ponies, they will be your responsibility both in terms of caring for them and probably paying for them too.

The decision is whether you personally are prepared to take on ponies for your DNs.

Don't take on ponies for them.

I feel that your SIL is out there somewhere complaining about you and how unsupportive/mean etc you are.
And she still will be, even if you do this.

Superb post goldmantra - brilliantly put and absolutely to the point

Working livery at a local riding school sounds the perfect solution and would take you completely out of the equation. That way your DN's can have a pony and BIL will need to take ultimate responsibility.

I can relate to your situation. I was in a very similar one many years ago and I allowed it to go for years until I snapped and put my foot down. SIL hasn't spoken to us for years, it's bliss .

YANBU at all, definitely don't take this on as well. I've read your previous threads and your SIL/BIL are unbelievable!

I don't have the time to look after a pony for my DD, and we couldn't afford full livery, so she doesn't have a pony. Its fairly simple. I wouldn't dream of assuming someone else would just do it for me! It's a ridiculous request and you're right to say no. I also think based on your previous thread that it would be the thin end of the wedge and you'd be fully responsible within weeks.

I remember your previous posts very well OP.

On Ponygate it's a NO from me! The only real reason you are being looked to on this, is because your bil doesn't want anything to do with it. HE is the reason they can't have ponies...not YOU. If you don't fancy doing the dishes, do you call your bil to do them for you? No...of course you don't - it's not his responsibility! Well the same applies here.
Do not accept this manipulative crap.
Say. No.

YANBU. You could never be unreasonable around these users. I have now read a couple of your previous posts. Did your pil get their full break in the end?

I would not get involved at all with any ponies for your dn. Your mil should also not be involved. It is a shame that they can't share your dd ponies but thems the breaks. Your dh also needs to stop feeling guilty about bil. You have all bent over backwards for these 2 and what thanks do you get?

As for the Germany trip, Wtf? Seriously.

Is there anyway you can totally cut bil and silver out of your lives?

As to being annoyed that they weren't consulted on your family holiday...that just demonstrates just how entitled to trample over your lives they feel!

6 kids and they think you ought to take them on holiday with you?? Hahahaaa...I am laughing how very NO I would be regarding that request!
Fuck. Off.

I remember your other threads and replied under a different name. You are SO not being unreasonable!

It's sad that your SIL is ill and it sounds like life is hard for them. It sounds like you are helping a great deal already - but trips to Nuremburg and ponies go a great deal beyond what you are required to do.

And so what if her DDs want ponies? Hell, I would've killed for a pony when I was young, and I remember begging for one. But I didn't get one. Because you can't always get what you want, unfortunately. But against all odds, I somehow managed to have a happy life without riding lessons.

Just say no. No no no no no. Who cares if they think you're a cow?! They sound unhinged and way more trouble than they are worth.

After these latest piss take attempts, I actually think you should do less, not more. Be less available. Keep repeating "you could buy in care so bil could work, it's your choice."

They have got used to seeing their dcs as not just their own responsibility, but the whole family's. Step right back.

No don't do it. The more you give the more they take.

You need to go back to with the hard facts.

They chose to have 6 DC
BIL chose to give up work and be his wife's carer
They live in a home which has been paid for and adapted for them by you In laws
They have just got a large sum of money for their share of the farm
Your MIL looks after their children at least 3 times a week when not at school
Your MIL cleans at least twice a week for them.
They are trying to muscle in on your family holiday, just like they did in the summer when your in laws took your dc away for couple of days.

In the other hand

You work FT
Your DH works FT and then some
Your dc are in paid childcare or in school.

I'm betting as a family you do not spend much time together as a family.

I think it's time to be blunt with both your BIL and SIL and your in laws to a degree that while you are sorry that your SIL has MS your BIL needs to stop being lazy and start looking after his OWN family including their children and home and stop relying on everyone else to pick up his slack.

oh she is the gift that keeps on taking giving. so sorry that you are at the sharp end of our incredulity about her latest requests.

got any animals over there? my son fancies being a farmer... sure you could help out... oh no wait.. he is not your responsibility and neither are your dns. the only reason that they have not got ponies is becasue bil can not be arsed.

so are you being unreasonable NO WAY!

should you take on the ponies? NO, NO AND THRICE NO!

It's horrible you're being dragged into this. I think as pps have said, the only thing to do is just repeat 'no, I'm not stopping the DNs having ponies, that's something their dad needs to take charge of.'

If MIL approaches you about it again then you reiterate that DNs hobbies are their parents responsibilities and that you just don't have time. If she talks about how much BIL has on his plate bla bla boo hoo, then you'll say that you work ft any only have time to sort out your own kids.

I've read your other threads. =TBH even if your SIL was being publicly crucified on a weekly basis, I'd still say she is breathtakingly entitled.

6 of their children to the Christmas market abroad? Having to consult them first? Ponies? Really?

I think you need to say no, I also think you need to say very clearly to MIL, BIL & SIL that you and DH made a conscious decision to stop at 2 dc so that you had the time, money & energy for them to have hobbies and interests, family holidays, etc, etc.

They need to accept the responsibilities for their situation - they continued having dc!!! We have 4 dc, we can't afford holidays etc. etc. we chose a loarger family hence we have to lump it.

This isn't about her illness, they are jealous of your lifestyle IMHO!

There is no way you can compromise in this situation and not end up losing your time which will be spent looking after the proposed ponies and probably your money as well on their general and vetinary care.

For your own family's sake, you need to say NO now, before any of them try more variations of the emotional blackmail on you. You have already been more than fair in your dealings with them, in fact you have bent over backwards to help them several times already.

It's a blessing in disguise that your DN's are too big for your DD's ponies, it cuts out a lot of possibilities for further emotional blackmail. Your DN's already have riding lessons, that's a lot more than many other children have the opportunity to do, so they are not missing out on an equestrian lifestyle or opportunities to do other things at their riding school. Your DN's and both of their parents need a short sharp lesson in appreciating what they already have, rather than being so grasping.

Stand firm from the outset and say no, you can also say that No is a complete sentence

Keep saying no, you know they will be taking the mick so don't let them and ask mil to stop passing on messages because you have already discussed and dismissed bil and sil stupid idea.

My brother and sister both have disabilities. They also both have more children than me. They never ever ask for anything. Therefore, I would be happy up help out if I'm ever asked.

She sounds like she has a severe case of "keeping up with joneses". Why does she she her kids are entitled to have/do exactly what yours do?!

You chose to have a smaller family so I don't see why you should be burdened with her larger family.

Don't agree to the ponies. You know it won't end well.

Definitely no, you have no reason to feel guilty OP. You know now you'll end up entirely responsible practically and financially for those horses and all that comes with them. The girls are learning to ride, they're not deprived, they have the rest of their lives to own horses if they want to. As for expecting you to shepherd a school trip of children on your holiday...

There seems to be something at the root of this about your SIL coping with or accepting her diagnosis. I'm disabled and yes it really sucks to have to live and plan within your energy/ability budget, it's hard to do but it's like staying within your financial budget. Its what a responsible adult has to do. Living through relatives - or expecting them to handle your responsibilities for you - isn't coping. There's almost something angry about it, an expectation that you should remove the boundaries from her life without her needing to contribute, because you're well. If she'd said we'll do this, we'll plan for it like this, would you mind giving us a hand if we hit a really bad patch, and this is what we'll do if it doesn't work out - it might have been more reasonable.

I remember your previous threads. They are such pisstakers. You need to draw some really clear lines in the sand with this couple. Putting the disability aside if you choose to have a large family you have to accept that the leisure options each child will get are likely to be more limited than if you have a small family. And it is absolutely not your choice to facilitate 2 x pony ownership which is, let's face it, a luxury item out of the teach of most. An any form of compromise won't be met with gratitude, you'll be cast the one who is atill standing between them an what they "deserve". So you may as well say no altogether.

It sounds like they have got used to using your SILs illness as a stick to beat people with which is a horrid position for you.