SIL (again)

[iamsoannoyed]

More of a vent than an AIBU.

Some of you may remember my previous posts re SIL/BIL and the farm situation (now resolved in one sense).

SIL and BIL (mainly SIL, I think) are still causing headaches. It's very frustrating. For back story, SIL/BIL have 6 children, SIL has a progress illness which causes her to have significant mobility problems and fatigue. We bought them out of BIL share of the farm, as BIL not able to do much of the work on the farm as he was caring for SIL. He refused to consider other options (paying someone to be SIL carer or someone to work on the farm etc). The brothers had taken it over jointly- PIL are still alive and well, just retired. Well, FIL is technically retired- he doesn't seem to understand what that means though! Quite a lot of bad feeling caused by the whole situation, and SIL/BIL feel that DH is the favoured child. Their demands on others became quite unreasonable, so we have put firm boundaries in place as to what and when we will do things. Happy to help out in an emergency though.

Since this the demands are becoming more outrageous. They seem to have interpreted "we'll help in an emergency" as "if we don't bother to sort anything out, then when it needs done imminently we can call it an emergency".

It's driving me bonkers. I have actually refused to do things, which I know has caused them inconvenience- but I feel that they are well and truly taking the p*! i don't mind doing things that don't cause too much inconvenience- such as picking something up/one of their DC from an activity if I am going that way anyway, or on the odd occasion if I have nothing planned. But I draw the line at taking time off work (seriously, SIL has asked me to do this) or cancelling DC activities to facilitate their demands.

Lately a few things have caused major tantrums and they've put PIL in the middle of it all again, which really annoys me-. What DH and I or do not do for BIL/SIl is absolutely nothing do with, nor the responsibility of, my lovely PIL. PIL do quite a lot for them, but I think they have also pulled back a but so they have more time for themselves.

DH and I are taking the children away to the christmas market in Nuremberg just before christmas, we are really excited (it's a surprise for them) and looking forward to spending time as a family. Cover for farm sorted and it'll be the first time we've all got away together for a while. SIL
upset as her children "don't get to go anywhere" and then said "it would have been nice if you'd consulted us first- then we could have arranged for out DC to go with you". I was gob-smacked! Got quite cross and said something along the lines of "we don't consult anyone before planning a family holiday, and I wouldn't be taking all your DC as it would not be a relaxing time". She got offended as apparently I had said her children were unpleasant to be around. I didn't, but taking 8 children (our 2, plus their 6) is not my idea of a fun holiday. I didn't have a large family for a reason!

Next thing is that she has decided 2 of her DDs should have ponies. My DDs both have ponies and I have my own horse. SIL clearly can't help with the care of a pony, and BIL doesn't like them (and has said he doesn't want to do all the "dirty work" of a pony).

I said that I was happy for them to use our field and there are spare stables- for cost of hay etc, but I wasn't going to be looking after their ponies or taking responsibility for shoeing/worming/innoculations/vets visits etc, nor would I be arranging lessons/supervising riding on a daily basis. I felt ground rules needed to be set, or I'd be expected to be the responsible person for their ponies.

I take DD's to pony club and said I wouldn't be responsible for taking their DD's on a regular basis either (and couldn't as no room in the horse box). SIL helpfully suggested I could buy a horse lorry which could carry 4 ponies! I declined to spend our money on that.

SIL/BIL said they think they'd need me to "help a bit more, as they have no experience and won't always be able to do "all they'd like too due to SIL's ill-health". I suggested they considered finding somewhere that did full livery, in that case- they said they can't afford it. SIL then said that I am "preventing her children from having ponies and that's not fair as your DDs get to have all the fun".

MIL has asked me to reconsider, as the girls are very disappointed (I'm irritated SIL told them of the plan before actually asking me). I admit, it wouldn't be too much more effort to bring in/put out ponies. I could supervise the mucking out and some of the riding, without it being too onerous. Still couldn't do the pony club stuff though. I just get the feeling that I would then be left with the entire responsibility for everything, and SIL would not make her DD's do anything if they decided not to (I'm not suggesting her DDs would, merely that I would end up, by default, caring for these ponies if they didn't). And I'm not up for that. At the same time, MIL doesn't ask for much and I don't want to leave 2 little girls very disappointed. I've said I'll think about it. DH says we could "give it a try".

AIBU to say no, when I could do it without too much effort?

We are a veeeeerrry horsey family - personally I would do it but get 2 natives that could live out all year.

They'd be hardly any hassle if you weren't getting them in.

If you've got the land then it would be a great kindness to your nieces, and if you're already faffing about with 2 horsey kids then 2 more aren't going to cause too much more hassle.

I too agree with big family meeting, where you express your sympathies re illness, but that they are not your children.

Should have consulted them on your choice of holiday indeed!

This isn't about the horses or the amount of work involved, it's about SIL and BIL taking advantage by expecting OP to take care of their children. Give into this request and how do you say no to other things?

I remember your previous threads. I have sympathy for your SIL, life has not turned out the way she had hoped but sadly none of us are guaranteed a healthy life. She clearly is struggling to accept her ill health & the new life circumstances. However, your BIL is magnifying the problem & needs to step up & extract his head from where it is buried. Their children do not need to miss out on things but your BIL & SIL need to get more organised.

So no, YANBU, I would suggest before buying horses, the 2 DN & their parents join you daily to understand the work in caring for horses, if they are still so keen in a months time I think you can be confident they will uphold their share of the agreement.

As for consulting them about a holiday, good grief, the level of entitlement really does beggar belief. I can only presume that they discussed the conception of their large family with you all & hence now the expectation of you all willing sharing the parental responsibility....yes, thought not.

Is there a local person they could employ to come in and help?

Run like the wind - distance yourself completely from any serious discussion of looking after their ponies. You will definitely get stuck with them and loads of cost.

Good grief ! I would say no too , and I've got a history of collecting other people's ponies !

Who really wants this ? The nieces , or the SIL ? It might work for a while , but what happens 4 years down the line when they potentially get to that point where ponies lose that appeal , and other stuff gets more interesting ? Are you going to be the one doing all that mucking out ? Probably . And for what thanks exactly ? Because I can't see anyone putting themselves out to thank you for anything .

The fact that your SIL is ill , doesn't entitle them to your lifestyle , particularly when they appear reluctant to do anything to facilitate it . It's not like they're unable to pay for the services to acheive it , is it ? The world doesn't owe them a lifestyle , and nor do you .

I've read your previous posts. You would be massively unreasonable if you agree to this. As you say you will end up with all the responsibility. Your dn's desire for a pony is not your responsibility. Don't let anyone guilt you. How many dn's/ponies are we talking about anyway ? My advice would be the same regardless.

I know they've 6 kids but I can't believe they're short of money after being bought out of the farm.

You know you have to say no. You'd never get the money back for hay, vets etc. And what would happen if your own kids decided ponies were not their thing any more?

I do sympathise with your sil and bil, and have done all along...but her illness is not a licence to control. Your bil could do it, but he can't be arsed. Why the hell should you?
They are being v v v unreasonable.
Gawd I do feel for you being in this position...but it has to be a firm no.

I would also say no. If they insist, ask them to do something equivalent for your dc in return, and watch them back off really quickly.

Your SIL is irrelevant here, as she cannot do it. Your BIL, on the other hand, could and is choosing not to.

YANBU

I agree with pp who say you need to keep pointing out that it is BIL who won't do the work to let them keep ponies.

I also agree with the poster who said they'd be distancing themselves even further from SIL/BIL.

I think you & dh need to have a proper discussion with mil & fil & lay it straight that you are not bringing up your dn, you have your own kids & working full time you are going to focus on your own family.

I remember your previous threads too! I didn't comment because you had some fab advice and you dealt with the situations well.
This is getting out of hand!
They want to have their cake and eat it but eat yours too!
Would a passive aggressive approach work? Laughing in her face and asking her if she's been on happy baccy?

Thanks all

I showed this to DH. He has agreed that this is a no go, as BIL won't do the work. I will suggest working livery to them, or suggest they look for a share/part loan.

We'll also tell MIL that while I can see it would be nice for DNs's it really not going to work.

I have about had it- we have agreed that we need to have a chat with them and lay down the rules. I will only help when it suits me or in a GENUINE emergency.

Sister77

When she said the holiday thing- I was totally surprised and thought "surely she's joking?" and sort of laughed in a "ha, that's quite funny" way. Then looked at her and she was definitely not finding it funny. I was speechless for about a minute. Totally ridiculous- I'm not sure why she thought that was appropriate.

I actually think in this case, you shouldn't be offering solutions like share or working livery, because you are taking it on as your problem to solve.

"no." will do, they can think of other options themselves, if it really means so much to them, your BIL can do his own research.

You are still trying to fix their issues. Just step back, say no and stop trying to find other solutions, including ones to fix the problems not involving you. They can think of the other options themselves.

We have agreed that we need to have a chat with them and lay down the rules. I will only help when it suits me or in a GENUINE emergency

I think you're very wise - though you certainly won't get any thanks for it from BIL/SIL. That said, you won't get any thanks if you run yourselves ragged with their unceasing demands either, so you might as wll refuse most of them and avoid the hassle

Frankly I'm still boggling over the expectation that you'd take their six kids on holiday, and even that you should have consulted them about it ... their behaviour really does beggar belief

Unfortunately, meetings and laying down rules usually doesn't do much good for types like BiL and SiL. Pisstakers will continue to push boundaries and demand no matter what. They may 'lay low' for a bit, but just be prepared for it to continue.

FWIW, you are absolutely justified in everything. After ponies would come horses. What next, cars? iyswim. You can't be expected to finance and facilitate their children's needs and wants. They and their children need to live within their means and abilities. It's one of life's most important lessons.

BTW, have fun in Nurnberg. I lived there aeons ago and the Christkindlesmarkt was just magical. Have a glüwein & lebkuchen for me!

we have agreed that we need to have a chat with them and lay down the rules.

I wouldn't bother. They aren't going to listen. They never have before.

They will only learn from experience of you refusing to be pushed around. Unfortunately this will undoubtedly involve you feeling guilty because their children will miss out or be let down at times. When that happens remind yourself that this is the result of their parents' decision to put them in that position, and not your responsibility. They will have chosen to use their children's feelings to manipulate you, just as they have with the ponies.

Be firm and clear with your communication and your boundaries, just as you would with toddlers.

No is a complete sentence. You're too nice.

NO.

My children would quite like a dog.

I can't be arsed, can I just get my sister to do all the work so they can have what they want?

Life isn't fair. Some children have ponies, some don't. Ponies are not a necessity.

I might let them keep ponies on my land if I were you. That's it - all the other responsibilities and costs associated would have to come from them, including fetting them into the stables at night and letting them out in the morning.

The holiday whinge is ridiculous.

it's really not up to us to give their DD's things their parents want them to have, but can't be bothered to facilitate

That's correct. Yanbu OP, glad to see from your latest post that your DH has also agreed to say no.

You need to give them a very clear definition of what is an emergency. "It's happening tonight and DC really want to go" isn't an emergency. "I'd rather you did it than pay someone else to" isn't an emergency.

It's an emergency if the situation could not possibly have been foreseen 48 hours ago so there was no opportunity for them to make better arrangements, and also that there will be serious negative consequences if no-one can help.

You also need to state clearly that you need to be last-resort person to ask if all other options fail, not first-resort go-to dogsbody.

These people take the piss far too much. I'm glad you laughed at the take-my-kids-on-holiday-entitleness. You have been brilliant tolerating as much as you have and are quite right to be saying no now.

I'd love a pony- my mum and dad couldn't afford one as I was a one of five. I accepted that at ten- it isn't a difficult concept to grasp. The girls must realise money is tight.

I agree a straight no without suggestions is best, OR make the suggestion that perhaps if THEY accessed the outside help and funding available to them THEY would find it easier/affordable to do these things. I remember from previous threads that this was an issue.

I have followed your previous threads Iam and I think you have handled this extremely difficult situation fantastically.

I definitely agree that part-loan/share of another pony is probably going to be the best option in this situation.

It is extremely unfair of them to expect you to do all that they ask, it goes so far beyond the usual family advantage taking.

While MS is an awful thing to live with, they chose to have six DCs knowing how things would be, it is therefore their responsibility to find a way to live with it.
It sounds like they genuinely believe that it is reasonable to expect you to pick up the slack when it comes to taking care of their family, they need to learn that this will not be the case.

You definitely need to have a serious talk with them.

Good luck Iam.