SIL (again)

[iamsoannoyed]

More of a vent than an AIBU.

Some of you may remember my previous posts re SIL/BIL and the farm situation (now resolved in one sense).

SIL and BIL (mainly SIL, I think) are still causing headaches. It's very frustrating. For back story, SIL/BIL have 6 children, SIL has a progress illness which causes her to have significant mobility problems and fatigue. We bought them out of BIL share of the farm, as BIL not able to do much of the work on the farm as he was caring for SIL. He refused to consider other options (paying someone to be SIL carer or someone to work on the farm etc). The brothers had taken it over jointly- PIL are still alive and well, just retired. Well, FIL is technically retired- he doesn't seem to understand what that means though! Quite a lot of bad feeling caused by the whole situation, and SIL/BIL feel that DH is the favoured child. Their demands on others became quite unreasonable, so we have put firm boundaries in place as to what and when we will do things. Happy to help out in an emergency though.

Since this the demands are becoming more outrageous. They seem to have interpreted "we'll help in an emergency" as "if we don't bother to sort anything out, then when it needs done imminently we can call it an emergency".

It's driving me bonkers. I have actually refused to do things, which I know has caused them inconvenience- but I feel that they are well and truly taking the p*! i don't mind doing things that don't cause too much inconvenience- such as picking something up/one of their DC from an activity if I am going that way anyway, or on the odd occasion if I have nothing planned. But I draw the line at taking time off work (seriously, SIL has asked me to do this) or cancelling DC activities to facilitate their demands.

Lately a few things have caused major tantrums and they've put PIL in the middle of it all again, which really annoys me-. What DH and I or do not do for BIL/SIl is absolutely nothing do with, nor the responsibility of, my lovely PIL. PIL do quite a lot for them, but I think they have also pulled back a but so they have more time for themselves.

DH and I are taking the children away to the christmas market in Nuremberg just before christmas, we are really excited (it's a surprise for them) and looking forward to spending time as a family. Cover for farm sorted and it'll be the first time we've all got away together for a while. SIL
upset as her children "don't get to go anywhere" and then said "it would have been nice if you'd consulted us first- then we could have arranged for out DC to go with you". I was gob-smacked! Got quite cross and said something along the lines of "we don't consult anyone before planning a family holiday, and I wouldn't be taking all your DC as it would not be a relaxing time". She got offended as apparently I had said her children were unpleasant to be around. I didn't, but taking 8 children (our 2, plus their 6) is not my idea of a fun holiday. I didn't have a large family for a reason!

Next thing is that she has decided 2 of her DDs should have ponies. My DDs both have ponies and I have my own horse. SIL clearly can't help with the care of a pony, and BIL doesn't like them (and has said he doesn't want to do all the "dirty work" of a pony).

I said that I was happy for them to use our field and there are spare stables- for cost of hay etc, but I wasn't going to be looking after their ponies or taking responsibility for shoeing/worming/innoculations/vets visits etc, nor would I be arranging lessons/supervising riding on a daily basis. I felt ground rules needed to be set, or I'd be expected to be the responsible person for their ponies.

I take DD's to pony club and said I wouldn't be responsible for taking their DD's on a regular basis either (and couldn't as no room in the horse box). SIL helpfully suggested I could buy a horse lorry which could carry 4 ponies! I declined to spend our money on that.

SIL/BIL said they think they'd need me to "help a bit more, as they have no experience and won't always be able to do "all they'd like too due to SIL's ill-health". I suggested they considered finding somewhere that did full livery, in that case- they said they can't afford it. SIL then said that I am "preventing her children from having ponies and that's not fair as your DDs get to have all the fun".

MIL has asked me to reconsider, as the girls are very disappointed (I'm irritated SIL told them of the plan before actually asking me). I admit, it wouldn't be too much more effort to bring in/put out ponies. I could supervise the mucking out and some of the riding, without it being too onerous. Still couldn't do the pony club stuff though. I just get the feeling that I would then be left with the entire responsibility for everything, and SIL would not make her DD's do anything if they decided not to (I'm not suggesting her DDs would, merely that I would end up, by default, caring for these ponies if they didn't). And I'm not up for that. At the same time, MIL doesn't ask for much and I don't want to leave 2 little girls very disappointed. I've said I'll think about it. DH says we could "give it a try".

AIBU to say no, when I could do it without too much effort?

Maybe a horse owner can give some perspective on why Op can't even consider having these ponies purchased for her nieces?
Op already has 3 of her own to look after (2 ponies and her horse). Every day they need to be turned out on to grazing, the stables mucked out, feeds made up. Later on they come back in, are groomed and stabled. That's the minimum. Fine if the children help willingly, and they probably will in good weather, but let's look at the bad weather scenario, when they won't come out in the snow and their darling parents are saying they can't possibly... Op has to go to the stables, change rugs on 5 beasts, possibly turn them out and put hay out in the field (in a blizzard maybe) for them to eat during the day. 5 stables need mucking out. 5 come back in to have wet, cold rugs taken off and hung up and stable rugs put on. Or worse - they are staying in 24/7 meaning they need mucking out twice a day!
Op, you need that family conference and there you need to point out that you are two separate families. You will help when you can, but you can't agree to take on regular ongoing commitments. And in future PIL are to be left out of discussions about what you will or won't do. Good luck!

Vycount- yes, that's exactly it. My DDs help a bit (but they are quite little) and they will be expected to do more when they are older. I have no authority to force my BIL or DN's to do anything if they decide not to. I will then have to do it all, as I can't let the ponies suffer.

No, no, no and no again.

Lots of children don't have ponies. Some may be friends with children who do. Its tough shit if some 'have all the fun' and others don't because of circumstance. Its called Life. Its an important lesson for her girls to learn. They can still ride horses without actually owning one anyway.

Your SIL needs to learn to take responsibility for her children rather than dump it all on you. That includes teaching her children that life isn't fair and sometimes they can't have everything, but they can have what is within their means - which includes practical as well as financial means.

I would only agree with very strict guide lines about your limits. Maybe suggest a loan pony and see how the girls go. From 10 my dd was up at 6 every day to climb over the field fence to catch, bring in, feed and brush her pony. My involvement was to pay the bills drive the trailer and plait up on show day until she was old enough. My ds was a bit more casual but would do evening stables if his sis caught his pony for him in the morning and fed it. I do understand honestly and I have read how your bil takes advantage. Would your older nephews and nieces help? Sorry I know YANBU at all it is just a story that tugs my heartstrings x

I really feel for you OP.

If I were you, I would - when the next issue crops up, and probably when you have to (once again) put your foot down on this ridiculous situation - keep making the point to PIL and DH that what you are doing, essentially, is trying to KEEP THE PEACE.

Because what will eventually happen, if you (and PIL) keep giving in in the face of increasing piss-taking, is that there will be a full-on family fallout, which will affect the children too.

E.g. with the ponies. You KNOW that to take this on would spell disaster. You'd start by keeping an eye. You'd gradually end up taking on all the work. You'd find that you ended up with all responsibility - and probably sneaky costs too. The situation would become intolerable - and what then? What's better - to tell them now you're not in a position to help out, or end up having a screaming row where you literally have to refuse to care for their ponies any more and the whole family has to essentially force them to sell them?

You've learned your lesson here, several times - keep to it. Broken record technique. 'NO. We don't have the resources/time/money to do this/ we do not WANT to do this, and I am not going to make the mistake of committing in error as I do not want a serious falling out.' Repeat...

thegreylady

I agree- tugs at mine too! However, I worry that even with strings attached and conditions very clearly laid out that the rules would not be stuck to- leaving me with all the work.

I don't think it's fair for the older children to facilitate this- it's down to their parents. It sounds like your DD did most of the work. I'd just be worried about letting the children on the yard without some form of supervision (especially as they are novices when it comes to day-to-day caring of a pony).

I think allowing them to have a pony on loan, then make them send it back if it didn't work out would be worse than just saying no in the first place.

As I said, if BIL said he would do more (and I believed he meant it) then I would agree to let them have the field and the empty stables.

You're doing the right thing. To state the obvious, animals are living creatures and a lifetime responsibility, not a responsibility you assume on a whim. Wanting to acquire pets (and high-maintenance pets at that) but expecting someone else to care for them is just not on.

Lovely as it would be for your DNs to have ponies, having ponies is not a right. They're already massively lucky in that they have riding lessons, an opportunity available to few children their age.

Putting the disability question aside for a moment, it seems to me that your SIL and BIL don't realise that different families make different choices, and have to live with the consequences. If you decide to have six children, you may not have the same range of choices open to you, economically and financially, as a family with two children.

They want their DDs to have ponies, but they don't want this enough to take responsibility for the ponies' care. Says it all really.

Of course mine did have the owner of the stables on hand I suppose and my son was quite a bit older (though less committed) than his sister. I don't know how we'd have got through without the ponies but I am projecting my situation onto yours! It was me, their mother, who was willing to do what it took to ensure the ponies stayed. I guess YANBU really. I'd have done it for neices but I wasn't asked to I should shut up really and apologise op for interfering. Good Luck.

Keep making the point to PIL and DH that what you are doing, essentially, is trying to KEEP THE PEACE

You're right, of course - but I doubt that will suit BIL/SIL; they seem to feel entitled to demand and have those demands met without question

I'm actully quite surprised that BIL hasn't promised to make sure the kids help, in order to get what they want. Of course he wouldn't keep to it, but to not even try that old trick somehow makes his entitlement worse ... it's as if he feels he should do nothing

Tbh thegreylady, I do think that you are projecting too much.

OP has offered a field, stables, to put the ponies out & take them in.

It's their father who can't/won't put any effort in.

YEs diddl I realise that. It was the MS that did it. My own dad, my dh1 and dh2's sister all died with it so it jangles a bit when I hear about another family blighted by it. I apologised to op.

Just say no.

it sounds like they are trying to keep up with you guys, but can't and want you to pick up the slack.

They have 6 dc, and need help with them by the sound of it. Adding two ponies to the mix is will be a fucking disaster. Not for the dc, but for the ponies when their dds can't be bothered/lose interest.

Your sil also has far too much to say on every subject concerning your lives.

The thing is that there's no need for OP to be involved, they have a father that could do it if he could be bothered.

Sadly even if he could, I think that there would be lots of "emergencies" necessitating OPs involvement.

I think that she has no choice but for it to be a flat no.

Their past behaviour is coming back to bite them, on the bum.

I also think it's time for a bit of frank conversation with your PIL - they need to hear that you chose to have only 2 DCs because you believe that's all you can cope with, mentally and emotionally as well as financially.

No one needs a horse, it's not an emergancy situation. However, if they get a couple of ponies they can't afford and don't have the time to look after, then there will be lots of emergancy situations where you need to put the time in or provide the funds for the ponies.

Point out to PIL that if SIL and BIL can't cope without lots of help with every day life, why would it be a good thing to throw a couple of large, expensive, time consuming commitments into the mix?

Step back, and tell your PIL you are stepping back, that they should only ask you for real emergancies, and "I want" is never an emergancy, "I need" is, but no one needs a horse. BIL and SIL need to know the difference, and MIL needs to know she's being unfair on you to pressure you into giving more than you can.

Fwiw, I think you're totally doing the right thing OP and good luck to you X

Dear Op, i have just noticed that you also have a thread dedicated to a sister in law, yet you haven't been accused of being a troll. Can you explain this? Am i missing something?
B X

Was that to me, Dorset? Sorry, OP, I can see it did look dubious. I'll get it removed.

Dorset, don't bring your hairy handed crap onto the OP's legitimate thread

My own family is afflicted by multiple unrelated bonkersnesses involving step-cousins, remarriages, half-sisters, plural sets of inlaws and unreasoning favouritism to the squeakiest wheels. No trollhunting intended, but v poor phrasing. Have asked for the post to go.

WeirdCat, I think Dorset was assuming I was trollhunting rather than intending to do so. Multiple aarrgh at derailing.

Bird, nope, Dorset has a couple of threads - one with a ridiculous jolly cooper rip off of a story, and another complaining that people on that thread called troll.

Dorset is a massively obvious troll, not sure whether a teenager or a drunkard but clearly just here for kicks. The OP of this thread is an established mumsnetter. There is no comparison.

I've reported Dorset's post so hopefully we can get back to normal on here :)

/ignore Dorset (i'm new here and by god shes on a wind up)

RE SIL? see if you can borrow a LARGE dog or two, drop them off at hers and say "my kids wanted a dog, but i dont have time or money to look after them, so i thought you could, you dont want my kids to miss out eh?"

then tell her to sod off