SIL (again)

[iamsoannoyed]

More of a vent than an AIBU.

Some of you may remember my previous posts re SIL/BIL and the farm situation (now resolved in one sense).

SIL and BIL (mainly SIL, I think) are still causing headaches. It's very frustrating. For back story, SIL/BIL have 6 children, SIL has a progress illness which causes her to have significant mobility problems and fatigue. We bought them out of BIL share of the farm, as BIL not able to do much of the work on the farm as he was caring for SIL. He refused to consider other options (paying someone to be SIL carer or someone to work on the farm etc). The brothers had taken it over jointly- PIL are still alive and well, just retired. Well, FIL is technically retired- he doesn't seem to understand what that means though! Quite a lot of bad feeling caused by the whole situation, and SIL/BIL feel that DH is the favoured child. Their demands on others became quite unreasonable, so we have put firm boundaries in place as to what and when we will do things. Happy to help out in an emergency though.

Since this the demands are becoming more outrageous. They seem to have interpreted "we'll help in an emergency" as "if we don't bother to sort anything out, then when it needs done imminently we can call it an emergency".

It's driving me bonkers. I have actually refused to do things, which I know has caused them inconvenience- but I feel that they are well and truly taking the p*! i don't mind doing things that don't cause too much inconvenience- such as picking something up/one of their DC from an activity if I am going that way anyway, or on the odd occasion if I have nothing planned. But I draw the line at taking time off work (seriously, SIL has asked me to do this) or cancelling DC activities to facilitate their demands.

Lately a few things have caused major tantrums and they've put PIL in the middle of it all again, which really annoys me-. What DH and I or do not do for BIL/SIl is absolutely nothing do with, nor the responsibility of, my lovely PIL. PIL do quite a lot for them, but I think they have also pulled back a but so they have more time for themselves.

DH and I are taking the children away to the christmas market in Nuremberg just before christmas, we are really excited (it's a surprise for them) and looking forward to spending time as a family. Cover for farm sorted and it'll be the first time we've all got away together for a while. SIL
upset as her children "don't get to go anywhere" and then said "it would have been nice if you'd consulted us first- then we could have arranged for out DC to go with you". I was gob-smacked! Got quite cross and said something along the lines of "we don't consult anyone before planning a family holiday, and I wouldn't be taking all your DC as it would not be a relaxing time". She got offended as apparently I had said her children were unpleasant to be around. I didn't, but taking 8 children (our 2, plus their 6) is not my idea of a fun holiday. I didn't have a large family for a reason!

Next thing is that she has decided 2 of her DDs should have ponies. My DDs both have ponies and I have my own horse. SIL clearly can't help with the care of a pony, and BIL doesn't like them (and has said he doesn't want to do all the "dirty work" of a pony).

I said that I was happy for them to use our field and there are spare stables- for cost of hay etc, but I wasn't going to be looking after their ponies or taking responsibility for shoeing/worming/innoculations/vets visits etc, nor would I be arranging lessons/supervising riding on a daily basis. I felt ground rules needed to be set, or I'd be expected to be the responsible person for their ponies.

I take DD's to pony club and said I wouldn't be responsible for taking their DD's on a regular basis either (and couldn't as no room in the horse box). SIL helpfully suggested I could buy a horse lorry which could carry 4 ponies! I declined to spend our money on that.

SIL/BIL said they think they'd need me to "help a bit more, as they have no experience and won't always be able to do "all they'd like too due to SIL's ill-health". I suggested they considered finding somewhere that did full livery, in that case- they said they can't afford it. SIL then said that I am "preventing her children from having ponies and that's not fair as your DDs get to have all the fun".

MIL has asked me to reconsider, as the girls are very disappointed (I'm irritated SIL told them of the plan before actually asking me). I admit, it wouldn't be too much more effort to bring in/put out ponies. I could supervise the mucking out and some of the riding, without it being too onerous. Still couldn't do the pony club stuff though. I just get the feeling that I would then be left with the entire responsibility for everything, and SIL would not make her DD's do anything if they decided not to (I'm not suggesting her DDs would, merely that I would end up, by default, caring for these ponies if they didn't). And I'm not up for that. At the same time, MIL doesn't ask for much and I don't want to leave 2 little girls very disappointed. I've said I'll think about it. DH says we could "give it a try".

AIBU to say no, when I could do it without too much effort?

You need to place their disappointment firmly where it belongs back on BIL. Every time they bring it up say that like BIL you don't want to do it either!

Do not give in you will be left doing all the donkey work with minimal appreciation or recognition of your effort. They expect it so why would they be grateful?

do they really need their own ponies? why can't they occasionally use yours?
Disclaimer: I know nothing about horses/ponies

If they cant afford the ponies and the things that come with having ponies, then they dont get ponies, simple as that.

Say no, otherwise you'll be forking out for the next unreasonable demand they have.

As the Nuremberg thing, that just takes the almighty piss.

Of course YANBU. I too think you have been amazingly patient and fair to your SiL.
You are absolutely right to make sure ground rules / expectations are clear before they commit to getting something like ponies for their dc. It's a massive commitment (and one that's likely to still be there once these dc have lost interest or gone away to college or work).

There is no way in the world that I would consider taking them on your family holiday either.

I know it's sad that she has become ill, but ultimately, they chose to have so many children in the first place, and now, that's the situation they are in. We all have to deal with what life throws at us, and can't expect the rest of the world to jump to are every request.

Tell them to investigate local riding stables for ponies on part loan. riding stables do farrier, vets, worming, welfare, insurance. DNs get use of a pony (and the chores) for a few days a week. They can have their own pony when they are old enough to take responsibility for it It's not that expensive either.

But there's lots of pony-related fun to be had helping their cousins to look after their ponies , riding the existing ponies, going along to pony club meets to support their cousins and soak up the pony-mad atmosphere

If you all do that for a year or two and the DNs prove themselves to be really committed, then that would be the time to consider taking on all the extra time & financial commitment of them getting their own ponies

At this point it seems to be another case of SIL deciding what she wants, BIL once again ducking responsibility for it and the extended family all deciding that the buck stops with iamso and her DH

I've said it before on your threads (May have been under another name) that in my opinion, although it's mostly SIL you complain about, it's really the perfectly able-bodied, unemployed and financially comfortable BIL who needs to step up for his own 6 DCs

Not you just because you're female

You are right to be wary about getting yourself in a situation which would be difficult to get out of.

Your nieces are not your responsibility and you need to keep telling yourself that.

SiL is a massive piss taker and trying to guilt trip you, keep those boundaries in place and don't fall for any emotional blackmail from anyone.

PS - I don't think I'd sell a pony to someone in your SIL/BILs situation anyway. But maybe I'm being naive.

I wanted a pony when I was young. My parents looked at one and looked into livery, but it was too much time and money, so I didn't get one. I was disappointed, along with probably hundreds of other children across the country. That's life. If one of my cousins had a pony, I would not complain.

Hell No. It's a bloody pony- it's hardly a necessity. They'll just have to go without like 99% of the rest of country who don't have the time or money to keep horses.

YANBU!
I wanted a pony when I was younger. My parents couldn't afford it and would not expect someone else to look after one for me.

I had riding lessons every week which was enough. Can your DN's have riding lessons at a riding school as a compromise? And sometimes visit your ponies.

Even if I'd had family with horses I would've understood even as a child why I couldn't have one and expect them to look after it for me. It's a shame you SIL can't as an adult.

I remember your previous posts. I can't believe they are being so fucking stupid. It's unfair you're taking your own children on holiday and you should have taken theirs?

No advice how to handle it. Torn between thinking you should just withdraw completely for a bit. Be 'busy' whenever they call. Have DH talk to his brother and basically tell him to fuck off for a bit.

Just because someone is ill or disabled, it doesn't mean they are a nice person. SIL probably would have been a nightmare even in full health.

Definately say no. Horses and ponies are time consuming (I have 4) and have been there with my own kids. It was hard enough with my own without doing it for someone else.

I've read your threads before and personally I think it's time to say a firm no once and for all. If your SIL wants to take her children riding I imagine there's plenty good riding schools around. It would be different if you were guaranteed to be helped with them. If their father is so desperate for his kids to have ponies he should be facilitating this to happen and not trying to guilt trip you into doing it.

They're at it again! Just say no and keep saying no. It will be a rod for your own back if you let them stable horses on your land. A nightmare to get rid and cause even more ill feeling.

Sounds like SIL just wants her dc to have same as yours regardless of practicality or cost.

Stick it out. Better some annoyance now than a boat load of hassle later.

I you like dns I'd suggest allowing them to ride and muck out occasionally if they do have riding lessons.

Of course Yanbu.

where's the father in all this?

Is he out of the house working so that it would be hard for him to do?

SILs health problems aside, surely when you have 6 kids, family holidays are hard to afford, let alone owning ponies!!

Do they have to actuallt own ponies, can't they have lessons somewhere?

Yanbu - your BIL and SIL are really cheeky and manipulative.

I think that you should just say no. It's not worth trying to compromise as it will only end up with you being taken advantage of even more.

Im glad you are saying no to them more often. It must be difficult but it's actually in their best interests.

If you really feel you need to offer a compromise then how about giving them a year to share the care, use and expenditure of your ponies? Would that be possible?

No no no no no.

"then we could have arranged for out DC to go with you"

The word entitled is used quite often of here, but it really, really is apt in this case!

Oh and when she says it's not fair again tell her that what is not fair is their continued expectation that you spend your time and money raising their children. It's BIL's responsibility and if he's not prepared to do it that does not confer an obligation on you.

Cheeky fuckers

Thanks for all your replies. I am really annoyed with their piss-taking- and I agree maybe should speak more to BIL about it- it tends to be SIL who phones so I think she gets the brunt of my irritation.

I think she gets that I am seriously pissed off re the holiday thing- she hasn't mentioned it to MIL again, which usually means she realises she's not going to get her own way.

I agree, BIL could absolutely do more- especially in relation to ponies. As I said, I am happy to put out (I am already putting out 4, another 2 is not a massive problem) and if it was just that, I'd probably say ok. But I don't think they will uphold their end of any agreement the minute it doesn't suit them.

DN's are pony-mad and already go to riding lessons. They are too big to ride DD's ponies- ponies are 11hh and 12hh- DNs are 8 and 10 (ish), but tall for their age and would be far too big. It is a shame, and I think they probably would do what is asked of them.

I may suggest ideas around working livery at the riding school, or part-loan/share of another pony.

DH says I should suggest to MIL that if she wants DN to have ponies, she could agree to help out where BIL can't/won't. I don't think this is a good idea- it's really not up to us to give their DD's things their parents want them to have, but can't be bothered to facilitate.

"DH says I should suggest to MIL that if she wants DN to have ponies, she could agree to help out where BIL can't/won't."

I'm sure MIL can work out for herself that she could do this!

I wonder if you'll be asked to buy the ponies as a Christmas gift...

I would say no. And then use some serious call screening. Stop talking to this woman and get your DH to deal with his family. It sounds exhausting. How can your SIL think her family is your responsibility?

I was going to suggest that your DNs ride or maybe 'share' your DD's ponies, but just read that that wasn't possible. My DDs would love ponies, as would millions of other little girls. It just isn't going to happen. I suppose we could afford it, but would have to give up so many other things, and I'm not prepared for all the hard work that goes with it. It's a shame that your nieces can't have their own ponies, but really, they'll just have to put up with it like many other girls. I really don't think you should agree to helping them get ponies, your responsibilities will just increase all the time. If they already go to riding lessons, that is more than many other horse mad kids have.

As for 'consulting' you about the holiday, my PIL used to be a bit like this. They wanted to come everywhere with us when we were first married, out for a meal, on holiday, day the beach etc. I don't dislike them, but I don't enjoy their company much and we had to be really firm until they got the message. They still think we should spend every saturday evening at their house, and I just won't do it! I think you need to put a stop to it now, you have no obligation to take their children anywhere, even if they are lovely. A holiday with two kids is hugely different to a holiday with eight kids!

I gather you live in closer proximity than most extended families, but when I was growing up my cousins had loads of stuff I didn't have. So did other kids at school. It's just normal. No one is doing these children any favours by saying they must have everything their cousins have. The world just doesn't work that way.

My uncles both worked for an airline and my cousins travelled all over the world for free, whereas we holidayed in Ireland with grandparents. We're all close as adults and it never occurred to us as children to be upset about it.