AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

Hello. Do you know that not all psychiatric professionals believe that giving someone with a certain constellation of behaviours a "label" is necessarily helpful? Especially if that label propels them down the road to taking psychoactive drugs (which can have unpleasant side effects and some people find very hard to wean themselves off). Eg cepuk.org/2014/04/30/council-evidence-based-psychiatry-launches-today-data-showing-dramatic-rise-mental-health-disability/

Best wishes

I'm confused. Does he have a bipolar diagnosis?

Because people with bipolar don't cycle downwards just because they didn't get their own way. Sometimes it happens when there are no reasons in the world to be sas.

Added to the fact that he has admitted he does it for attention, I'd say he's just being a cock and blaming it on a serious mental illness.

am suspicious of anyone who professes to have one of the more severe mental disorders which they magically manage for years without meds and even more magically somehow never end up being scooped up by police or ambulance people and sectioned on multiple occasions for months on end and so on

or maybe am just bitter

Has he said why he doesn't want to get a professional diagnosis? I was reluctant to go to the doctor with MH issues until my friend pretty much grabbed me and frogmarched me there, having been constantly told when I was younger that I was being attention-seeking whenever I was feeling low. I was scared they would just say the same thing... Could that be why he's struggling with that part, given that his parents don't sound particularly supportive?

No Infinity he has no bipolar diagnosis. He refuses to go and talk to anybody about it because he is convinced it will end his career (he will be sacked and not get another job).

Mitchy this is what makes me suspicious, he has never been sectioned or needed police help or anything like that. His moods are never erratic, dangerous or unstable. Just really sulky if things dont go his way.

Alaswad it sounds like you had great support in your friend. I dont feel like Im giving him much either at the moment, I guess because Im not convinced anymore that it is serious. If I dont pander to it consistently, he sulks and snaps out of it. And that doesn't sound like bipolar to me.

People with Bi-polar don't just spiral down when they don't get their own way not do they tend to recover without significant medication and psychiatric support. That said if he's concerned then he should speak to his GP and get a referral to a psychiatrist.

He won't lose his job if he has a bi-polar diagnosis. For one thing the disability discrimination act will apply.

it depends on his job doesn't it, I know people who have chosen never to disclose their diagnosis to make things easier at work, legislative protection only extends so far in the real world

anyway there are milder sorts of bipolar he could have (bpII? cyclothymia?) but I still find it hard to believe that someone could just get away without ever having any kind of noticeable breakdown or behaving oddly

most people with bipolar, as in more than half, will attempt suicide at least once - obviously that still leaves thousands of sufferers who don't but the depression is really really debilitating, so much so I didn't even know it was depression

and when manic I had no idea there was anything wrong with me at all, it was a terrible shock to find myself in hospital and I'd never even heard of bipolar. I thought I was there because there was something wrong with my kidneys!

If he only behaves in the fashion when he doesn't get what he wants then I would say no, he's not bipolar. It's a very complex disorder that isn't just 'mood swings' and sulking.

He needs a diagnosis.

Do you think he genuinely believes he has bi-polar and is honestly scared for his job, or do you think he doesn't want to address the issue through official channels because he know that they will laugh in his face? Do you think his alleged bi-polar disorder is just a convenient way for him to avoid taking the blame when he's been a twat and get everyone to do what he wants for fear of him throwing a strop if you don't? Do you think the threat of suicide was a strop that got out of hand?

Honestly, from what you've said, it sounds like you definitely think he is a drama queen rather than some with bipolar disorder, and unless you're really either exaggerating his control or downplaying his moods, then I would tend to agree.

anyway I don't think it's reasonable for him to expect your support and understanding for a self-diagnosed mental illness he isn't willing to discuss with a psychiatrist or even a GP

I 100% agree with Mitchy. It gets right up my nose when people wander around telling others 'oh I'm bi-polar' without a diagnosis. It is not, in my (admittedly limited) experience, a glamorous illness, or one I would ever want to have. Nor is it, in my experience, something that you would be on the fence about recognising. Or at least, I definitely became very quickly aware of a very, very serious problem.

I suspect your husband is a slightly pretentious, possibly quite spoilt dick. But he should maybe see someone, just to set the whole thing at rest. Though I suppose if he wants to pretend he has a serious mental illness then that's his business.

And surely if he was genuinely suffering bipolar episodes then wouldn't his work have already noticed? Or does his particular brand only manifest itself when he's at home...?

This sounds like insecurity, poor me, love me more, or I will sulk. You have to keep calling him on it. Don't adapt your behaviour or pander to him. He is a grown up and needs to express himself as such. If he can't learn how to do that, well.... I'm not sure I could put up with it tbh.

We had a good friend with bipolar (we've moved and lost touch) and before he was diagnosed he really did cycle through phases of mania and depression. I imagine that you can have more or less serious symptoms, but our friend was actually slightly scary when he was manic, really out of control (his diagnosis came after he punched a policemen he thought was attacking him). When he was depressed it wasn't in response to anything going on in his life particularly, as I understand it it is about chemical imbalances in the brain.

So no I don't think from what you have said that your DP is bipolar. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have issues. I do think his mother is showing a real lack of empathy if the main issue is that your DP is insecure about people loving him - the boarding school connection is much more likely to be that he felt rejected by his parents (I went to boarding school and enjoyed it, but it can be very problematic for some children). Plus it's incredibly dismissing to have your issues dismissed as 'being a drama queen' especially by a parent. dh and I sometimes say that our dd is being a drama queen, but only about very trivial things, never when she is in distress.

That said your DP could be emotionally manipulative and sulky for no good reason at all, and he should stop self diagnosing (especially with a serious mental health condition). Do you think he might be persuaded to see a counselor/ psychotherapist perhaps?

You are seriously asking a bunch of internet poster if your husband is bipolar? Really? He needs to see a GP initially and then go from there. You and his mother sound very unsympathetic and I hope that for his sake he is not ill because I think he would have a hard time with you both.

He should not throw around the label or label himself and he needs professional medical advice. There could be a problem there though because people who need help the most often are those who think they need it the least (speaking from experience). And I fully understand his concerns re work but they may not access his medical records without his full consent so he should be fine on that sore.

People who talk about suicide are not just having strops - it is not normal to do this and so for that reason alone I think that he should seek help. Good luck.

It is not, in my (admittedly limited) experience, a glamorous illness, or one I would ever want to have.

Agreed. A close relative has it. It took 10 years to get a diagnosis, which I understand isn't uncommon. It is a pretty brutal illness for her and for her family. If he's actually concerned then he should seek a diagnosis, otherwise I think your sympathy should be limited.

Dojo Im definitely not downplaying his moods, but I wouldn't say he is controlling either. Just mollycoddled and very childish and brattish when things dont go his way. But otherwise I agree with you word for word.

shaska not sure what his issues are, most of the time he genuinely is such a kind hearted loving person that would go far out of his way for anybody. But on these occasions, spoilt dick suits so well.

mitchy it definitely is more sulky, definitely not debilitating depression. If you say the right thing to him (what he wants usually lets go out to a posh restaurant for tea or something just as stupid) hes happy as larry again. Its ridiculous. Starting to become clear now.

Im a mug

And I have to say that some of the responses on here are frankly rather disheartening. I suspect that if this was a woman threatening suicide and clearly having her worries cast aside by her husband and mother, the responses would be a lot more sympathetic.

He has threatened suicide. You consider him a 'spoilt dick'.

Really?

he could be manipulative, sulky and meet the diagnostic threshold for bipolar

anyway if his work involves driving then it's definitely best kept quiet, every time I have an episode I am disqualified for at least six months or until I am deemed to have regained insight and be compliant with meds but unless his dr informed dvla I think it's up to the individual?

it's actually a huge force to reckon with, you lose jobs, friends, money, you do dangerous and impulsive things, the mood swings go on for months and when they are over they can take months to recover from and each time it chips another bit of you away and even when you are sort of well it's something you have to actively manage and are always aware of and tiptoe around - I bet that can look a bit drama-queenish to an external observer

he really needs to go and talk to his gp about it, there are lots of other explanations for bipolar type symptoms, some of them physical conditions, so it would make sense to get himself checked out

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being critical of how you're dealing with this and from what you've described it does sound like he's just being attention-seeking (I've dealt with several people like that and it's very difficult, so my sympathies). I'm just very aware that we only have one side of the story, and from experience of my own MH problems I know they can sometimes manifest that way even when they are serious problems - I managed to look fairly normal to most people most of the time, but sometimes I would be pushed over the edge by what to other people might have looked like not getting my own way over trivial things. It was a case of building tiny things up in my head until I was convinced that no-one I loved cared about me, or even that they were deliberately trying to hurt me, if you see what I mean.

I'm not saying he does have a mental health problem, but ultimately none of us on here are really going to be able to say one way or the other, given that we don't know him, and most of us presumably aren't mental health professionals. I imagine you probably know that deep down as well - even if all of us here agreed that it was nothing, there would still be part of you thinking 'what if'. It does sound like the only way for you to be sure is to get him to see someone who can give a proper diagnosis

Mitch good post. Some sense at last.

fizzy, I am not unsupportive at all. I have and will continue to support him through all of it, but what I will not do is reward suicide threats that are in his words "just for attention".
I know I come across as harsh here but thats because its genuinely concerning me that he is doing it /using it as excuses for things.
Ive sat up all night with him trying to figure out ways of helping, making things easier and just listening to him. When I pander to him, kiss him cuddle him or just hold him he is the nicest person in the world.

But sometimes he does something wrong, and if hes hurt me and Im not kissing and cuddling him straight after it turns into this big drama where I dont have a choice and I have to show him unlimited amounts of love or he will commit suicide (in his words for attention).

Its not that Im not supportive, Its just I've done everything within my power to support him and it feels like the more I do, the more dependent he gets and the worse it gets. Its like I have to treat him like a child. Im genuinely not sure if its mild bipolar and its just the suicide thats for attention or if he is actually doing it all because its worked for him in the past to get people to do what he wants.

For the record his mum is ok, it was his choice to go to boarding school and I hope if he really did have it that she would be more supportive, I think she is just feeling the same way as me, that you cant do this everytime you dont get your own way. Theres either something wrong or theres not.