AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

No idea about the diagnosis but the thing about suicide...a friend with MH issues (not sure what the diagnosis was but suspect bipolar) told anyone and everyone he would kill himself after his dog died. We all thought he would never do it that it was to get attention. He gassed himself in his car.

Kiwi sorry for advice that was irrelevant, you already have children.

I do wonder though as they get older how this will play out. I would try to get him help now. I grew up with a very narcissistic parent with mh difficulties but he has never sought proper help and it's so tiring and boring and essentially all about them and this hasn't changed to this day (four decades later). As toddlers we weren't threatening to that, but when we grew up and didn't respond in the loving cuddly way of a small child, things got very difficult indeed. I wish myself that my mum had left sooner it is not very pleasant growing up with someone who is self-centred and whose moods dominate the house- but that is a different situation and perhaps you have happier times than we did (there was an underlying stress and tension all the time, especially when we were teens, as well as self-medication/alcoholism on his part).

The genius thing could be a grandiose delusion which is a feature of hypomania/mania. Or it could just be he is big-headed.

I cannot stress how much this does not sound like bipolar.

He sounds incredibly spoiled and is using emotional blackmail to get what he wants.

OP I do not think you are being insensitive at all.

I would also look at borderline personality disorder. It has a similar (in some ways) presentation to bi-polar. They can also often be co-morbid.

But really he needs to see a psychiatrist. It's the only way you'll get an actual answer. If he isn't willing to seek help and it's affecting you both then I'd be packing my bags - it's not nice living like this.

Thing is, even if he gets a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis, where will that take you? There is no magic pill to pop and even with lengthy therapy (which it doesn't sound like he's interested in engaging with at all) things may persist (if he was up for a diagnosis and up for really challenging ongoing treatment, it may be different).

My thoughts would be- he is who he is, it may be unlikely that he will change, and that his downside is that he's very over-dramatic but his upside is the love/attention/passion you still have. Only you can decide if this is good enough/works for you and the children.

At risk of sounding stupid, I know dp but I don't really know how these things work. Is there any way I could get him to a psychiatrist bypassing the gp? he won't go anywhere near the doctors but may be persuaded to have a chat with a psychiatrist if he didn't have to go to the gp first.
One of his other worries is that if he was diagnosed with it social services would be involved? is this true too?

Thanks hair today. Very true! is there a spoiled brat dp disorder that a few days in the doghouse resigned to washing up can cure? joking of course!

What about this quiz

If he had a serious mental illness I think his employer would notice.

I presume you can book a private appointment with a psychiatrist if you want to but you'll have to pay and many may still want a GP referral. I don't think social services will be involved although the local mental health services would.

I don't think ss would be remotely interested from what you have said, unless he discloses something that makes them think the children are at risk.

My issue with this is that you are doing all the hard work and running about after him. He is not driving this you are. Even if you get him to see a psychiatrist, unless he was prepared to engage afterwards, it will just be another visit to a doctor (which has already been done many times, if I've read that correctly that he has a pain issue, didn't quite understand that bit).

He's not engaged with changing, he just wants you to be nice to him all the time and pay him attention. Part of this is you seeking help for him all the time for his problems. I feel tired reading about it all really- although you do say there are many upsides to your relationship.

social services don't have time or the will to keep every family with bipolar in it under surveillance - if anything children in these families are still overlooked by the agencies that should have a role in their care when, for example, they are young carers or their well being when a parent is hospitalised. I've had to pursue them for support (as a single parent) at times to have the children recognised as 'in need' rather than the other way around but the resources aren't there unless the situation is already beyond dire

So he also has a mysterious "pain" that only appears when he is asked to do something he doesnt want to? What amazing bad luck this man has that his "health issues" only appear when he wants a lie in or a day off!

He is playing you like a fiddle. I would suggest that the person who needs counselling is you OP to have your eyes opened to how manipulative and emotionally abusive this man is being. He is sucking the life out of you.

You can see a Psychiatrist privately but NHS would need a referral from his GP. I used to triage GP referrals into MH services and depending on where you live and how stretched services are; there's no guarantee he'd even be offered an NHS MH assessment as nothing you've said is really suggestive of a severe mental illness. Of course, if there's more than you've spoken about, that could change the situation.

And no, social services are not involved with families where a parent has a mental illness unless there are specific concerns about risk of harm to a child.

If someone is emotionally manipulative does that mean they are emotionally abusive or can you have one without the other? do you think it's possible to grow out of it. wondering how malicious it is.

kiwi I don't think there's a clear dividing line between emotional manipulation and abuse, nor between a disorder and plain bad behaviour. Even if someone was diagnosed with a disorder, this doesn't let them off the hook, or mean you have to stay around to be emotionally abused (if you feel you are). These things are often a mixture of mh issues, narcissistic/selfishness and plain nastiness at times, although your partner doesn't sound so much nasty as self-obsessed and needy (the middle of the night dramatics if I had small children would do my head in).

I think it is extremely unlikely a person is going to change a lot as they age, if anything my experience is they just get older. Entrenched behaviour patterns don't change unless the person wants to change and seeks treatment for them- and that's what I don't hear your husband wants to do (you want him to). Or at least, he is happy to believe he is bipolar, but not to get diagnosis/treatment.

It is possible to change but only with hard work with a therapist and determination to change. He doesnt want to, this is learned behaviour that has always got him what he wants.

I personally believe that anyone who is emotionally manipulative is abusive, some may disagree but my feeling is that if he is messing with your mind in order to get his own way on everything then that is abusive. He is the one with the supposed disorder so why are you questioning yourself? It should be the other way around surely? He should be the one asking what can be done, can this be fixed and if so how? But he isnt, which says to me that these so called health issues are just a convenient way to get out of things he doesnt want to do and have you running around after him pandering to him all the time.

I would agree with Hair. I don't think there is a clear dividing line but neither is good is it. He's either emotionally abusing you or emotionally manipulating you.

In some ways a diagnosis is irrelevant. You have a right not to have your actions dictated by somebody else's threats of suicide.

I know 'LTB' is over used, and I am not saying 'LTB'. But the reason it is used so much is that you can't control another person's behaviour. Really the only true power you have in a relationship is your ability to decide whether to be in it. Obviously you have the power to empathise, to care, to share responsibility etc. etc. but you cannot make another person respond in kind.

Even if you persuade him to see somebody, they aren't going to have a magic cure and any course of treatment will require his agreement and be a long term commitment. You have neither the power nor the responsibility to 'cure' him.

Sorry what is LTB?

Sorry: "Leave the bastard".

Leave the bastard. Hi kiwi , I'm a MH nurse, like others have said it sounds unlikely that your DP has bipolar. I agree he may have personality disorder traits. However, if he doesn't want to go to his GP to at least request an assessment with the CMHT or psychiatrist , it's not going to happen. When he says he's going to hurt himself , does he tell you how? Does he have a plan? Or is it just I'm going to kill myself?

I think him not wanting to seek help for his behaviours probably gives you your answer. Some people with serious mental
Illness will at times lack insight into their illness, but I don't think your DP is one of them.

Even if you are right and he is successfully compartmentalising his behaviour now, as your children grow older (I assume they are young as you say you are young), it will not be possible to hide the fact that to keep the house on an even keel you have to tiptoe around him and keep him happy.

social services don't have time or the will to keep every family with bipolar in it under surveillance - if anything children in these families are still overlooked by the agencies that should have a role in their care when, for example, they are young carers or their well being when a parent is hospitalised

Why? Should they be? Am I a "bad parent" for having bipolar? Should I be under "surveillance" by social services?

Social services were involved when my son was born and concluded I parented to a high standard.

I think your post is prejudiced and ignorant.

It is exhausting especially as we already have two dc and they are much more emotionally stable even as toddlers.

He was doing this low level grizzling before the DCs arrived on the scene, I take it?

If he has relatively recently stepped this up to include suicide threats I would be pressing him now to get a professional opinion. If he mentions this again say in that case you will have to call the police or an ambulance.