AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

Loads of cross-posts! I agree with fizzy about not throwing the label around too. I'm also surprised that more people haven't picked up on his mother's behaviour - surely shouting at your child that they're a drama queen isn't a normal response to them saying they thing they have a mental health problem? If she's always like this I wouldn't be surprised if that's contributing significantly to the problem, whether it's an illness or attention-seeking through low self-esteem...

cross-post again! Sorry kiwi.

he could have a personality disorder or some other thing where he needs help to learn how to regulate his emotions - mentalisation therapy or something

but it's his responsibility not yours, you can only do your best to encourage him to find out what's wrong

kiwi his behaviour needs investigating properly really by a professional. What you describe is not 'normal' in the sense that suicide threats are not usually part of everyday life. I find your comment that you will not 'reward' these threats with attention rather sad. Grown men do not routinely threaten suicide just to get their own way!

I am glad at least that you are taking it more seriously than you appeared to be when you were name calling and joining in with the horrible posts slagging him off.

I hope that he can get the help and support that he needs.

fizzy - I dont mean to be name calling, and I know i'm being incredibly harsh (or it feels that way without knowing what the problem is) and he behaves in a way that is spoilt and he does act like a complete dick but then uses a really serious mental health problem as some kind of excuse that means I should just ignore it and tell him all of the reasons why I love him (which I do the rest of the time but not when he behaves in this way).

I talk all of his feelings through with him and encourage him all of the time to go to the gp (which he wont), it just feels like this has worked for him as a child and he hasn't grown out of it. Its like the more I try to understand him, the less I actually understand it. And the more I listen, the bigger the gap seems to be between people with bipolar and what he describes. Ill always support him and I'm not sure whats wrong, I just think if it was bipolar, would it only be on nights we dont eat out for dinner? Or nights he has to work late? Or only when its his turn to get up to dc in the night?

Sounds like his mother has the measure of him, although that said it could be that his need for love to be shown/proved comes from his being sent to boarding school.

But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. Funny that. It doesnt just happen does it? Only happens when someone says the "N" word....NO! H's cousin was bipolar, he committed suicide in his thirties. He was funny, charming and incredibly kind. He was also scarey, OTT and dangerous when he was manic and inaccessible when he was depressed. There was no pattern, it just happened whenever his brain decided it would. He could take knocks, making mistakes, not getting his own way, he could take it all in his stride when he was "normal". When he was manic it would spur him on to prove everyone wrong with some very scarey things and when he was depessed it barely registered. When he died he told no one. He disappeared and was found hanging several weeks later, no note, nothing.

What you describe is not 'normal' in the sense that suicide threats are not usually part of everyday life.

You've never been with an emotionally manipulative/abusive man then? Because to some people it really is how they control others.

I just think if it was bipolar, would it only be on nights we dont eat out for dinner? Or nights he has to work late? Or only when its his turn to get up to dc in the night?

No it wouldnt. It would be on his days off, when he has a lie in, when you eat at The Ivy. It would still be happening on your all expenses paid luxury trip to NY followed by a month as Disneyland.

He is no more Bi Polar than I am, he has just found your "button" and keeps pressing it to get his own way.

Do his "episodes" last several weeks/months?

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/04/11/how-long-is-a-typical-bipolar-episode/

Thanks Bogey, they last between minutes and hours. Never days. Because there is always something that will make him at ease again. Ie usually me telling him how much I love him, going out somewhere nice for dinner (if we don't he tends to strop), he feels better if it works as an excuse to not finish his work, or if it means he just gets to sit on the couch and eat ice cream.

It does not alter the fact that it is not normal to be threatening suicide. It may not be bipolar but it is certainly not a normal reaction to something. He needs to speak to a professional.

I was told I was a drama queen and was diagnosed with bipolar in 2012. I have never disclosed it to an employer and have no intention of doing so. Your DP will not lose his job and they need never know

• unless it is some sort of high risk deep sea diving for an oil rig with high insurance costs type job. I'm presuming not?

Bipolar is not a condition to bandy around and takes a long time to get a diagnosis. Too many people wrongly self diagnose all kinds of conditions.

He needs to see his GP and he needs to have an assessment done by a professional. All this talk online is really quite irrelevant until that happens. There are many things that could be the problem, psychological as well as psychiatric.

it doesn't mean there isn't something else going on, something that could be helped if he wanted

do you think he wants things to be different or does it suit him as it is?

and of course bipolar and life events do interact and are shaped by one another, I have been extremely violent when people have 'crossed' me or when I was under some delusion or other or even just under unbearable stress. I might just be an evil person though

precious Sounds like H's cousin. There was a night out in London that ended badly through his sexual activities.

Bi Polar is not having a bad day followed by a good day, yet thanks to the tabloids people think it is.

Bogeyface I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's cousin My best friend has bipolar - largely treated since I met him - I love him more than anyone and it breaks my heart to think of anything happening to him. It makes me really angry when people casually throw around terms like 'depression' or 'bipolar' with no idea of the reality behind them.

(Although I still maintain that there's no point asking a group of strangers on the internet to diagnose someone they've never met, without even hearing anything in his own words.)

When I was depressed I also had 'episodes' that lasted only hours, sometimes triggered by seemingly minor things (although if other people had seen them they would probably have seemed random, because I was really bad at talking about what was wrong). They were still serious though - I thought about suicide a lot and sometimes hurt myself, and while I don't think I was in any actual danger it was really, really unpleasant to live with and I wish I had got help a lot sooner. It might not be bipolar but that doesn't mean it can't be a mental health issue of some sort (sorry for multiple negatives!) Again not saying it is, just that we on here can't be sure.

You say things have been difficult in the last months, but he's thought he's had bipolar for years - can I ask how long you've been together? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this)

Incidentally Bogeyface my friend also keeps very quiet about his issues, even when people dealing with far lesser things go on and on about how hard they have it (including me sometimes ) That was actually the reason why I immediately took him seriously when he told me, despite having inherited a bit of an 'almost anyone who ever mentions mental health issues is automatically a drama queen' attitude from my family and older friends.

Oops! Pressed too soon. Me and an old friend have suffered from different types of bipolar for some time. The NHS is stretched but they've been brilliant with us. We both have decent careers and are parents.

You need to get that diagnosis then work out what can and can't be done to help him and if whatever he has can be managed and his behaviour modified.

If it is something he can't get much help with...well I don't mean to be harsh, but you really sound at the end of your tether, do you think you could carry on doing this for another 50 years.

He doesn't sound like he has bipolar from what you are saying in your post and maybe it's more likely he has emotional issues. However it's impossible to say that for sure from a brief post on Internet and so a proper assessment is needed! He could have a personality disorder or just struggle to manage his emotions effectively. I agree with other posters who said go to GP and get a referral for assessment. Then whatever the outcome the right treatment or therapy is available.

I think you should get your dh to a gp. No idea if drama queen or bipolar. Just see the gp if worried. Any suicide threats should be reported.

We have a close family friend who bipolar. Great when he manic, awful when depressed. His verbal suicide threats were ignored as he been saying it for 20 plus years by us all. then one day he carried it out with intent. By luck he was saved, sectioned, medication sorted, councilling given etc but just goes to show dont ignore.

Please report to gp and maybe post on mental health board. Again i have no idea if your dh has a mental health issue just if concerned you need expert advice. Sending you support op x

Didnt mean great when manic sorry typo. See gp op

Doesn't sound anything like bipolar at all. And he needs to do a bit more research because he clearly doesn't understand what bipolar disorder is or how it presents!.

Sorry, but I think he sounds needy, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Sorry, just to say that the DM described does not inspire confidence: 'He was mollycoddled at boarding school' ???? WTAF? Let's just say boarding schools are not generally known for spoiling children, certainly not beyond what a mother would offer.

Sounds to me like an unsupportive DM/family, which never bodes well for self esteem and sound mental health. He may not be bi-polar, just unhappy. Either way, it is worth seeking diagnosis and treatment. I don't think 'drama queen' labels are very helpful whatever is going on. That doesnt mean you put up with any kind of behavior. But you can respect what he's going through.

he could have a personality disorder or some other thing where he needs help to learn how to regulate his emotions - mentalisation therapy or something

but it's his responsibility not yours, you can only do your best to encourage him to find out what's wrong

What m1tchyInge said (nearly called you Minge there ;) ). A lot of people who believe they have bipolar disorder, when in fact hey have personality disorder. The two are different and need different care.