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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

182 replies

kiwicatastrophe · 13/10/2014 22:38

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him Confused

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

OP posts:
Springheeled · 15/10/2014 21:14

He sounds an arse really. You're focusing too much on him and nowhere near enough on you.

Original poster
kiwicatastrophe · 15/10/2014 21:21

It's all come to a head. I think he's just walked out.

OP posts:
raltheraffe · 15/10/2014 22:06

quick! change the locks

Mitchy1nge · 15/10/2014 22:12

Grin raltheraffe

MiscellaneousAssortment · 15/10/2014 22:17

Are you ok?

LittleBearPad · 15/10/2014 22:23

Are you safe?

kokomaloko · 15/10/2014 22:39

Maybe he has attention issues because his mum put him in boarding school?!! Some personalities i guess don't suit that environment. Sounds like a diva. My ex was very much like this. Was an interesting relationship to say the least! I don't have lots of experience with bipolar but from the two people i do know with it they don't behave like this.

Dragonfly71 · 15/10/2014 22:48

Hope you're ok, kiwi. He is behaving in a manipulative way as you've said. Just be careful and maybe tell someone in RL what's happening, so you can keep in contact with them and get help if he comes back and starts making threats to harm himself again. Don't try and deal with any difficult behaviour all on your own.

Original poster
kiwicatastrophe · 15/10/2014 22:57

He walked out and txt me to say he was going to kill himself. now his phone is off Hmm Confused

OP posts:
Mitchy1nge · 15/10/2014 23:00

god what a worry

call the police?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2014 23:03

You need to call the Police and advise them of what he has said.

In the longer term, you need to decide whether someone who manipulates you into physical affection, threatens suicide and turns sour and sulky when you need some time to think is someone you can be with, regardless of diagnosis.

Mitchy1nge · 15/10/2014 23:04

can you call his (and your?) family too? this is too much to go through on your own

kokomaloko · 15/10/2014 23:20

It's either a cry for help or a cry for attention, either way he needs help you can't offer. No one should need to get attention in such a neg way. Not healthy for either of you!

Bogeyface · 16/10/2014 00:04

If there is one way to find out if someone means it or not, it's to dial 999.

They will find him and they will either give him the bollocking of his life or they will take him to hospital, either way he will get what he needs.

Dont let him manipulate you with this, call him on it.

Oldraver · 16/10/2014 00:19

OP you have to call the police...either he will get the help he needs (if he genuinly needs it or it will call him out on the abusive arse he is

Thumbwitch · 16/10/2014 00:26

Call the police. Really, you need to.

fourwoodenchairs · 16/10/2014 07:40

How are things this morning?

Original poster
kiwicatastrophe · 16/10/2014 07:57

hi four. He came back last night and told me to log onto his bank account and check his statement as he's bought me a really expensive ring and was planning on proposing in two weeks as we're not married. Genuinely not sure if it's just another excuse for his behaviour. He refused to leave and has gone to work this morning. It's exhausting and never ending. He admitted that he's like a small child that needs constant attention and love but can't see anything wrong with that or why I shouldn't give it to him.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 16/10/2014 08:13

Really sorry you are going through this, OP - it is no way to live. He sounds immensely immature, though at only 23 maybe there is hope for him in the future... but he would have to actually want to change and grow up.

Could you and the DC live without him? It's possible that chucking him out would give him a wake-up call, and if not you're better off without him anyway.

LittleBearPad · 16/10/2014 08:46

This must be exhausting for you, I'm sorry.

I don't think the engagement ring excuses his behaviour or makes it acceptable in any way. The fact that he thinks it does underlines his immaturity.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 16/10/2014 09:04

OP - I've not read the whole thread, but most of your posts and I wouldn't say bipolar (first hand experience) but I'd certainly look at the personality disorders, and Borderline Personality Disorder at the top of the list.

Thing is, no one can diagnose on the internet. Not even a consultant psychiatrist could. He has to go to a GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for evaluation.

If he has borderline, then he needs DBT and YOU need help on how to live with it, if you decide to.

livingzuid · 16/10/2014 09:10

A ring doesn't make it all better.

He needs assistance of some sort as his behaviour is not normal. For whatever reason. It's up to the doctors to diagnose what the problem is, not him or anyone else.

In the meantime you are perfectly entitled to take your dcs and live a more settled life elsewhere. You don't have to help fix him or anything else. Think about what is best for your state of mind to enable you to provide for your children.

If he wants to get better he needs to get that help on his own rather than depend on you.

merrymouse · 16/10/2014 10:01

he's been through so much supporting me

Support does not come with strings attached. In the same way you could be the most perfect stepford wife ever and you would still be misguided to expect that to change his behaviour.

If he is genuinely suicidal, he needs help not a wedding. If he is threatening suicide on a regular basis to manipulate then that should be the end of the relationship. Either way your question should be how you can create some distance from this person, not whether you should.

comedancing · 16/10/2014 10:09

Can you get counselling for yourself. Does he drink to excess or take drugs? I would recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward. A good thing to do meantime is to say lm sure you will sort it out when he goes on and on about his illness but never goes to a doctor. Pass the respinsibility back to him. Also that book recommends saying..lm orry you feel that way and then leave it. Do not get sucked inti the drama.He enjoys the drama for whatever reason so make sure you dont engage in it. Dont tell him you are doing that. Just be very calm say lm sorry youre upset and go to the bathroom. He needs psychogical help but you will never say the right thing to make him access it. In the longer term you will need to decide what you want to do for your own sanity. Counnselling will help you here but meantime do not engage in drama.

raltheraffe · 16/10/2014 10:19

Bipolar or not he sounds like a total bell end.