AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

Also, marriage is not about expensive jewellery. Anybody can flash a credit card. You don't even have to leave the comfort of your own home.

Equally, once you have a household and children and share commitments, it's debatable whose money he was spending.

Just to put this into context. I have had several suicide attempts (but thankfully none for 4 years now). Last year one of my best friends jumped off a motorway bridge and my uncle died of an overdose.
Although I appreciate everyone acts differently, I have NEVER texted anyone to say I am killing myself. On the occasions I have tried to take my own life I either told no-one (as I did not want them talking me out of it), or I went to A&E and told the medical staff. I should add that when I did do it I was that distressed I was incoherent and could not talk properly as I could not stop crying.
What he has done, texting you and then switching his phone off is absolutely disgusting. It panicked you and probably made you feel very guilty for rowing with him. Once you had spent a few hours understandably upset he returns to the house and miraculously is no longer suicidal. Like suicidal tendencies can just come and go in a space of a few hours. He did not get professional help.
I may get a flaming from other people who will tell me everyone is different, but the way it looks to me is he was never suicidal and this was just emotional blackmail.
So he is now buying an expensive ring? You need to look up the cycle of domestic abuse. Straight after the abuse comes the making up phase and that is where he is now.
He sounds like a toxic manipulative idiot. I would tell him to piss off.

Honestly, the cynic in me says that he's using that as excuse for you not to leave or get angry with him. I suppose he is terrified you may actually decide not to deal with this behaviour anymore.

He does seem to have stepped up his behaviour.

Did you speak to his mother?

Reading down this thread in chronological order I saw "It's all come to a head. I think he's just walked out" and my first thought was, "Prepare for the suicide threat". Hey presto! Suicide threat and then turning his phone off.

Then came back home unharmed and, it seems, unapologetic. (Not that apologies mean anything if he keeps repeating the behaviour. If he were truly sorry, he wouldn't do it again.)

The grand gesture (expensive engagement ring in this case) does not make up for all the crap! It's just meant to keep you tied to him and within his power. Do not marry this man!

Oh fuck sake OP please please please don't marry him.

I found to my detriment that anything that is wrong in a relationship is magnified 1000 after they've got you trapped.

Please don't do it. He's an emotionally abusive arse.

Kiwi I don't think I've ever said "LTB" but that's the only thing I can advise, for the sake of your own sanity and for the sake of your children having a chance of growing up in an emotionally healthy environment.

The most productive thing you could do now would be to get your financial affairs in order, look into what tax credits / benefits you would be eligible for if it's just you and the children, seek legal advice if property etc is involved.

You will not change him. He doesn't want to be changed. If you leave or throw him out, he will up the suicide threats for a while but the likelihood of him going through with it is infinitesimal. With him it's almost certainly a control mechanism, not a sign of severe mental illness.

One of two things would happen. Your splitting up would act as a wake-up call and he would seek the professional help he's currently avoiding, in which case you would have done him a favour. Or he will pursue you with alternate suicide threats and cries of "but I luuuuurve" you until he finds his next too-compassionate, too-malleable victim partner, and you will become part of his mythology that he uses to control his new woman: the uncaring abusive ex who didn't take his illness seriously. And she'll fall for it for a while and think she can be the one to change him, when he has no intention of allowing himself to be changed.

My DH has a bipolar diagnosis, and through him and his support groups yadda yadda I have come to know others with BP. His and their illness bears virtually no resemblance to what you describe. God, my DH would love it if his depression only kicked in when he didn't want to do something! We would have saved so many wasted tickets and deposits for enjoyable things we had booked and then couldn't attend...

Good luck OP.