AIBU Bipolar or Drama queen?

[kiwicatastrophe]

Have nc for this as quite frankly I may be being terribly selfish and, well a twat to dp. I posted a while ago about him coming out and telling me he thinks hes bipolar and has thought so for years, which I was incredibly supportive of.

When things are good between us, things are brilliant (I mean like, lust and love better than films brilliant), but things have been so tough the past month or two and he had a few strops about things that I decided not to pander to and treated him a bit like a child. He threatened suicide, obviously at which point I pander to him. I have been completely clean cut with him, encouraged him to go and get a proper diagnosis which he wont accept. In the end we went and had a chat with his DPs. Were still fairly young and his mum takes no shit. She shouted at him and told him of course he diddnt have bipolar hes just a drama queen which obviously he diddnt like.

He does have ups and downs but the thing is, when hes happy hes the most infectious person to be around and just bloody delightful. But he only gets down when he doesnt get his own way or wants to get out of doing something. This is never particularly harmful in any way or erratic or dangerous, just bloody dramatic and sulky. His DM thinks its because he went to boarding school and they mollycoddled him there, that he has always got away with behaving like this and that he has never lived in the real world or had a proper job until now (furthered his education as much as he could so always lived as a student).

He is the most supportive person in the world to me and others and a joy to be around but occasionally he gets it wrong, and if you don't just ignore that he's done something wrong or tell him how great he is and how much you love him he goes into this spiral of "its not fair you treating me like this", "you're not showing me much love right now", "this isn't very loving, I need you" and kind of tries to emotionally manipulate the situation so hes the loved one again. Its not that theres uneven love, he treats me like I'm the only woman on earth so I know Im going to come across as really really selfish here and maybe I need telling that, It just seems that he makes excuses for things and gets away with things by feeling sorry for himself and If I dont agree then I dont love him

After the week with the suicide threats and talking to dp, I basically told him that if he has felt like this for years (bipolar) then he has a problem that needs a professional opinion/diagnosis. I said it would be different if he was just saying it for attention, at least I'd know he wouldn't actually do it, but how do I know if he will or not? At which point he said "of course its for bloody attention I just want you to love me when Ive fucked up".

So he's admitted he does things like that for attention, but still thinks he actually has bipolar? But hes the most tactile gentle loving person ever. I think hes just being a drama queen.

I dont mean to come across as rude to anyone that does have bipolar disorder. I genuinely really want your insight. I just dont feel like DPs problems are serious enough to be bipolar?

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how cruel and insensitive am I to him?

I'd say his problem's with his mother, who passed him off to boarding school then decided they were too nice to him there ('mollycoddled'). Sounds like he's never got past needing to be mothered, because his actual mother is and was emotionally absent.

He needs to go to the doctor and get an official diagnosis, but I feel that his reluctance to do so may be because he knows he won't get one.

He may have something else going on; or he may be an emotional manipulator, or in fact both.

But only you can decide if you want to live with his self-diagnosis and ongoing spoilt-brat style behaviour, or if it's too much to be constantly threatened with his suicide whenever he doesn't get his own way.

OP whatever his difficulties, it sounds as though he's making some tiring and unreasonable demands of you.

I'm all for love and support for any mh problem or other illness but no illness can be managed by that alone and this situation must be draining for you.
He needs to get professional help and diagnosis.
He's manipulating and controlling you with these scenes and putting emotional pressure on you and you need to put yourself and your boundaries first.

Kiwi It's not bipolar. Mum had it and was sectioned twice. When up (usually in the summer) she was vibrant, busy to the point of mania and couldn't sleep. When she was down, it was the opposite of up not an arse like your DP. She was depressed. She went to bed for weeks at a time (usually in the winter) could not cook, clean or function at all.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I suspect your DP is actually the most manipulative man on the planet and he is playing you and everyone around him like a dime store banjo. When you have called him on it, he has admitted it even.

I also want to add that if my life partner (DH in this case) threatened suicide and then afterwards told me he did it for attention, that would be the deal breaker for me. My Mum committed suicide but that is not the reason why. You really need to think hard about his behaviour and his actually threatening to kill himself how manipulative is that? I would wind the kettle lead round his neck myself after that episode. He's working you. Quite what you do about it is a big problem though. From his mothers reaction it is entrenched behaviour I imagine. I would have ended it after the suicide threat/admission of fakery, for the sake of the DCs mainly but also for the sake of my own sanity.

Thank you for all of the responses. A lot of it is spot on. I think I've put his mum down here in a bad light. she has never shipped him off to boarding school, I don't think she wanted him to really go. He chose to and sorted it all himself and exercised prize stubbornness but once there he used any little excuse for getting out of anything and apparently this was quite molly coddled there.
let's just say he has a medical condition (pain) that there is no cause for and it's not in any specific place. He's seen specialist after specialist and his dm has even paid to go private. everyone's silently convinced it's psychological because he only ever mentions it when someone asks him to make a cup of tea or help with something ect and then all of a sudden it's really bad. I don't think she's been cruel to him (maybe unsupportive at times) but when he won't seek help nobody really knows what to do for the best and the only thing that seems to not make it worse is ignoring the behaviour.

He sounds like a pita rather than bipolar. But I was more than a bit disconcerted by his mother's notion that he was "mollycoddled" in boarding school. It seems to me you've got the source of his emotional damage right there.

Maybe molly coddled isn't the right word, but more allowed to act like this at boarding school as there would always be someone who would rise to it and or get him out of doing something because of it.

Poster up thread is correct - a bunch if strangers in the internet can't tell you if your DP is bipolar. Fwiw it is sounding like he probably isn't. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't have a problem. Whatever it is or isn't - his behaviour is extremely controlling of you. This you need to address. There's a lot going on here - and a loving relationship at stake. I think you need counselling - together. I very rarely say this but I think it might help.

Incidentally I'm following this with interest because he sounds EXACTLY like my brother. It's all wonderful when it's wonderful but all falls apart at the slightest challenge. Only he has for several years been flying into violent rages with me. During the summer I went NC after a really awful time with him on a holiday. Outcome? My mum has sent up to family therapy! So that's just beginning and I really hope this helps.
I have racked my brains for a "label" to put on my brothers behaviour, which has been disfunctional for years and have come up with the term "fragile narcissism". Does this have any resonance for you?

...meaning a euphoria and self-love that crumbles at the slightest pressure and leaves him angry and bereft, and the feeling that something has been taken from him. It's not easy to deal with!

I would be looking closely at the relationship with the mother myself (as I am in my brothers case). Was he a very adored child and then "it all went wrong"!

Sorry that should have been a question mark.

It does sound vaguely familiar although I'm not sure if I'd use the word narcissistic. its never violent or angry, he just gets really upset after things he's done wrong and if I don't jump in hugging and kissing him it's "not fair" and I'm "not loving him".

I have bipolar disorder. Without medication I would quickly get ill and get sectioned.
What I want to pick up on are the suicide threats. When people are serious about suicide they tend to keep it quiet from others, in case loved ones talk them out of it. It sounds to me more like he is using suicide threats as a means to manipulate you, so you are treading on eggshells not to upset him further.
In recent years bipolar has become quite fashionable, due to the likes of Stephen Fry. Many people are self-diagnosing with it.
What you have described does not sound like bipolar. I cannot stress enough it is a severe MH problem and without meds normally results in being sectioned.
It sounds to me more that he is manipulative and this is probably due to traits of a personality disorder.
Either way he should be seeing a specialist.

Thanks ralthetaffe, sorry to hear you have it too. What you have said is pretty much what I was thinking. Thanks for the advice. I'll look into personality disorders. getting him to see someone is the hard bit.

When people are serious about suicide they tend to keep it quiet from others, in case loved ones talk them out of it

Absolutely agree. My relative with bipolar has never talked about killing herself. But she tried to. She did tell her psychiatrist she'd thought about it but said she wouldn't do it.

He won't lose his job if he has a bi-polar diagnosis. For one thing the disability discrimination act will apply

I did and won a lawsuit but it destroyed my career.

That's rubbish Ral, I'm sorry. I shall amend my statement to 'won't automatically lose his job'

To be honest if he has undiagnosed and untreated Bi-polar then I imagine his employer already is aware there is something wrong. Unless it's only an issue at home...

I don't know whether this person has a disorder of some type, but what I do know is that it must be exhausting and tiring emotionally to live with this. I don't know if you are planning on having children but please think twice- he needs to be the centre of attention all the time (with the pain condition and now this, all of which has no formal medical diagnosis) and you must attend to him, not have your own emotional needs and put him first even when he's done something annoying or wrong. Imagine if you had children, which take up a lot of your time and energy- he would be in a permanent sulk and life would be unpleasant in the extreme, not least for the children.

You are all like stars orbiting his planet, he is keeping himself where he wants to be. Perhaps this is immaturity, perhaps it is a touch of narcissistic disorder, perhaps perhaps. What is clear is though is that he has you dancing to his tune, staying up all night to reassure him and talk things through, tell him you love him even when he's annoyed you, it's all about him. He's not prepared to go to a doctor though, or do anything about it, which would be a condition of me continuing anyway.

I wouldn't personally be signing up for a lifetime of that, you as his nurser/carer/attention-giver, it's going to be tiring and I'm sure he's delightful if taken out for meals and doing the romantic hearts and flowers thing, but you need to know he'll be there for you when the real hard times hit in ways you haven't even imagined yet and I just don't think he sounds like he could cope with that.

Some more questions:

1. does he believe that he has special powers eg psychic or telepathic
2. does he get episodes where he gets ridiculous carbohydrate cravings and sit there eating his way through crisps or chocolate
3. does he hear voices
4. does he misplace a lot of items
5. is he able to complete simple tasks without becoming distracted
6. does he sometimes speak louder and faster than a normal person, and get frustrated that everyone else is slower
7. does he go on crazy spending sprees (I bought a Porsche and Mercedes in the space of a week once)
8. does he struggle at work and get irritable with colleagues
9. does his sleep pattern change with less sleeping when manic

10. does he ever complain his thoughts are whizzing round very quickly in his head and he cannot stop them 11. does he self medicate with alcohol or drugs

The only one I could answer yes to ral is the spending. and even then, it's not on the level of a Mercedes and a porche. I think he just has never had to work full time before and always had the bank of mummy and daddy to fall back on which has given him a poor concept of managing money/saving/budgeting. There's no real correlation to his mood.

It is exhausting especially as we already have two dc and they are much more emotionally stable even as toddlers. I don't want to leave him but I don't want it to affect the dc, or to live with a problem for years that is never tackled.

Might I add that although his immediate family are aware of his behaviour (mum dad and siblings), as far as I am aware he has never come I to any problems at work (other than occasional sulky day off with a million silly excuses because he hadn't met said deadline) and he doesn't behave like this around the children. so it does seem to be controllable.

I don't have a huge experience with bipolar but I'm guessing people at work might have an inkling? or that you would struggle to hide it from kids sometimes?

mania is difficult to hide! Even hypomania, I suppose it could look like over exuberance and short temperedness or an incredible drive to work on something. Drs can't always readily distinguish it from, say, schizophrenia, so it's not the case that colleagues or friends would know what was wrong but they'd notice that something was.

I don't think he's bipolar, I think he's a cunt. You can tell him from me that he's a cunt, because people using "bipolar" as a euphemism for "badly behaved arsehole" makes the lives of people who actually do have bipolar disorder much harder.

interestingly enough I had never considered narcissism but narcissistic personality disorder really fits. He is convinced he is some kind of genius although his intelligence is above average but not great. He gets worse when he doesn't get special attention. It all seems to fit to that.